Finally, I'm accepted by my peers

Over the years, I've made many sacrifices for Our Leader's Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution and his Eternal War to Resubjugate Brown People, but, I've never really felt the acceptance of my comrades in arms, the brave men and women of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders.

I don't know why they haven't embraced me. I suppose it might be because they're threatened by my über-manliness, unyielding heterosexuality, and the wild rumors that I'm blessed with a monstrous three-inch slab of manhood. Still, you'd think they'd recognize that I work as hard at silencing dissenters and persecuting brown people as they do.

That changed today when both Ace of Spades and Allahpundit formally welcomed me into the Fighting Keyboarders' ranks by calling me a racist and a chickenhawk. Now, I can finally wear my Dark Stain of Valor confidently as an acknowledged member of their very frightened, but patriotic, fraternity.

Elsewhere: The Jivester penned a disco anthem to honor me, Ace, Allahpundit, and the rest of the 101st:

Pissing Our Pants
(sung to the tune of “Staying Alive”)

Well, you can tell by the way I stain my pants
I’m a patriot: just read my rants
Muslims make me want to hiss, when they come at me
I start to piss
And now it’s airtight, it’s inside
I have hung onto my pride
We just want to all be safe
But when I walk I tend to chafe

When you are so frightened the tension is quite heightened
You’re pissing your pants, pissing your pants
Feel the bladder leakin’, everybody freakin’
And we’re pissing our pants, pissing our pants
Ah, ha, ha, ha, pissing our pants, pissing our pants
Ah, ha, ha, ha, pissing our pants…

See the rest of the lyrics here.

Proudly wearing the Dark Stain of Valor

Our Lady of the Concentration Camps, Michelle Malkin
Hugh Hewitt, Townhall
Bob Owens, Confederate Yankee
Pamela, Atlas Shrugs
Biggus Dickus, Blue Crab Boulevard
Ace, Ace of Spades HQ
Allahpundit, Hot Air

Dear fellow Fighting Keyboarders,

After seeing our reactions to the capture of various vaseline-wielding senior citizens and brown people in ninja costumes, my wife, Ofjoshua, suggested that we might consider creating a product that would prevent us from soiling our pants. She even came up with a name for it, "Patriot Pampies."

Although I promised I'd run it by all of you, I don't think much of the idea, myself. I'm not ashamed of the sudden incontinence I experience when I see a swarthy person. The dark stain that radiates from my crotch isn't an external display of fear. It's a warning symbol to all around me that I've spotted a potential terrorist and will report him or her to the State Security Apparatus the moment I stop shaking enough to dial my cellphone.

I like to think of it as a kind of self-awarded medal, a "Dark Stain of Valor" or "DSV" if you will. It's a commendation that almost anyone, no matter their class, can obtain. Just as Sen. Specter wore it deservedly and proudly when he attempted to pass his warrantless wiretap legislation, so did Allahpundit when he risked a coronary reporting on the "Ahmadinejad virus" and the dangers of petroleum jelly. Their respective stations in life made no difference. Each earned the DSV solely on his own merit.

I guess, I'm not really giving Ofjoshua's idea a fair hearing. I suppose there are advantages to wearing Patriot Pampies. They'd save us a little in laundering costs and the French would stop laughing while pointing to our crotches (although I still get a lot of that even when I haven't soiled myself).

So what do you think? Would you buy Patriot Pampies if they were available? Or would you rather wear your Dark Stain of Valor, proudly, like me?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Katherine and Her Mighty Chainsaw of the Lord

Rep. Katherine Harris
Candidate for the US Senate

Dear Rep. Harris,

I've come to the conclusion that your campaign is cursed. From the very beginning, you've suffered nothing but humiliation after humiliation. First, it was the Kabbalah water/citrus canker controversy. Then, it was the very public attempts by Karl Rove and Jeb Bush to convince to pull out of the race followed by wave after wave of campaign staff resignations, the constantly increasing probability that you will be indicted on bribery charges, and polling trendlines that resemble the left side of Our Deputy Leader's mouth.

Then yesterday, you suffered the worst humiliation of your campaign thus far at your big endorsement event--nine prominent Republicans were scheduled to endorse you; none showed up. Although your explanation--they missed the event because you had to move it to a new airplane hanger after the original venue, another hanger, was crushed by a tree--was good, the press and most of the public thought you were lying. That has to hurt.

Anyway, I think the only possible explanation for your troubles is that you're cursed. Obviously, you got on the wrong side of the Lord when you peddled that magic Kabbalah water to the State of Florida. The only way to lift the curse is to get right with God, and thankfully, there's an opportunity for you to do just that waiting for you in Texas.

As you're probably aware, the frequency of miracles has increased tremendously over the last few years. It seems like every time you turn on the TV lately, Jesus or Mary is either miraculously appearing on a food item or their plaster likenesses are crying or vomiting blood. These events haven't gone unnoticed by the druids, and now they've struck back with their own miracle, a water-gurgling tree.

Of course, such druidic showboating is offensive to our Lord. He doesn't like that kind of competition. In fact, he hates it so viscerally, he addressed it in his very first commandment.

That's why you need to go to San Antonio and chop that tree down. God will appreciate it and will certainly reward you by lifting the curse. It'll also make for a great campaign event. I can almost see the headline now, "Harris fells false God with her Mighty Chainsaw of the Lord."

I hope you'll consider it. It's the only hope your campaign has.

Heterosexually yours in a way of which my wife, Ofjoshua, would approve,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Killing "Cubby"

Troy Lee Gentry
Montgomery Gentry

Dear Mr. Gentry,

It ain't easy being a country music star. That's especially true for someone like you whose entire image is centered around his masculinity. Heck, with all the hunting, war, and beating-up-people-for-Jesus imagery in your videos, I bet you're afraid to kick back for even a few minutes on the john and pee, sitting down, lest someone catches you--not that I'd ever approve of that kind of unmanly behavior, but I think you get my point.

That's why your recent arrest for shooting a caged tame bear with a bow and arrow is so damaging. It causes manly men like myself to lose respect for you. How can we continue to enjoy watching you taunt inexperienced impoverished young men into going to Iraq to fight our war now that we know that you shot Cubby in his cage?

As sad as it is for me to say this, your career is over unless you take drastic measures to save it, and by taking drastic measures, I mean you need to fight a wild bear.

I'm talking kicking his ass using nothing more than your fists. No guns, no bows, no cages, no "Cubbies" this time. Just you and a big, angry, wild bear. Make that a big, angry, wild, drunken bear--I think you'll need to get him really drunk first, or he'll literally eat you for lunch.

I'd be glad to videotape it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

On YouTube: You Do Your Thing, Montgomery Gentry's paean to hunting, war, patriotism, and kicking ass for Jesus.

Sen. Santorum loves a good Rachel Corrie pancake joke

Sen. Rick Santorum
United States Senate

Dear Sen. Santorum,

I wasn't surprised to learn that you're a big fan of the blog, Little Green Footballs. I suspect it's the first blog many of your caucus mates read in the morning. That is with the exception of Sen. Allen. He's obviously more of a Stormfront kind of guy. You can tell by his vocabulary.

I'd be thrilled if my blog made it onto a senator's favorites list. I'm hoping you could help me do that by telling me what it is exactly that that you like about LGF. Is it the Rachel Corrie pancake jokes that became an LGF staple after she was crushed by an Israeli bulldozer or how LGF's creator, Charles Johnson, attacked the media for publishing a "barrage of images of Corrie looking Caucasian and saintly"? If not those things, could it be LGF's constant vilification of brown people, or perhaps the recent news that the FBI is investigating LGF for threatening the lives of Muslim spokespeople?

What ever it is, I'll do the same. I want Jesus' General to be one of your favorite blogs too.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Crossposted to Little Green Fascists

Drinking Liberally

I'll be at the Drinking Liberally in Richland tonight. Stop by Atomic Ale at 7 and say hi.

George Allen is not a racist

What is a "macaca," anyway? The uber-white folks at Stormfront show us how it's used.

And why doesn't George show us his cats?

Ned Lamont undermines America's kitten warriors

I gathered my kittens around me the moment I heard about the Kitten War. "Who among you," I asked, looking upon each kitten in turn, "will take up arms against the evilest of kittens, a cream-colored siren named Bitsy and defend our freedom and our right to torture, disposses, and kill the weakest amongst us?" "I will," shouted Lazy Joe, the 5-week-old kitty with the heart of a lion.

And thus, our brave little Lazy Joe went off to war.



But he was stabbed in the back by those who oppose the Kitten War, calling it an abomination, a wasteful, illegal conflict in which our kitties are ground into dust for no better cause than to feed a spoiled rich boy's quest for glory. Led by their hero, Ned Lamont, who some call "the Bitsy candidate," they betrayed Lazy Joe by questioning the wisdom of attacking Madameduhamel and thereby invoking the anger of the hairless, instead of attacking Bitty, our true enemy.



So I gathered up my kittens again and asked, "Who will avenge Lazy Joe?" "I will," yelled Panther, the kitten with a ferocious demeanor to match his name.

And thus, brave little Panther went off to war.



Sadly, Panther faired little better due to the treachery of Lamont and the Kossian Hoard.

I gathered up the remaining kittens for a third time, asking them once again, "Who will go to fight in the Kitten Wars?" "Not I," said Moe, "I will fight the war from under the bed by meowing loudly." "Nor shall I," mewed Smokey, "I was accepted to the Wharton Kibble School."

That's fine with me, because I don't worry about Bitsy anymore.



Update: It looks like the RNC has entered into the Kitten Wars. (Helmet tip to Andy)

The war at home

Roger Ailes
Fox News Channel

Dear Mr. Ailes,

I hope the recent ratings news isn't getting you down. You've accomplished a lot at Fox. Your viewers are the only people left in the country who still believe we're winning in Iraq--that's an incredible accomplishment. And then there's the bigotry. Not only have you and your on-air talent made it socially acceptable to be a bigot again, you've turned it into an act of patriotism.

And boy how your viewers have embraced it. Why just last Saturday, a man intimidated Maryland Legislative candidate Saqib Ali's campaign staff by sitting in front of their office with a sign saying "Islam Sucks." Surely he's a guy who's watched a lot of Bill O'Reilly and John Gibson--I mean he'd have to have heard a lot of rants about Islamofacism to proudly display his bigotry in the open like that.

There will be those who will try to downplay the importance of this incident. They'll say that it's a minor thing; that waving a an anti-Islamic sign isn't that big a deal, but what if he had held a "Jews Suck" sign outside of Russ Feingold's office? I don't think they'd call it a minor incident then.

Given your ratings problems, you'd be missing a great opportunity if you didn't capitalize on this kind of activism. I'm thinking a Fox News Special with your own 21st Century Father Coughlin, Bill O'Reilly, at the helm. Have him put together a mob composed of conservatism's most popular bigots, people like Michelle Malkin, Charles Johnson, and Rush Limbaugh. Add Marty Peretz for a little bipartisan cover. Then, send them out to burn a cross on Ali's lawn, and bingo, you have a ratings bonanza. Follow up specials could follow the mob as they burn down Ali's house and beat up his staff.

As always, I'd be glad to help you develop the idea further.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

.

Ask Joe Lieberman

The Jivester pens another hit.

How many stones must a man hurl down
Before you bleed from your hands?
Yes, ‘n how many votes must a candidate get
Before you strike up the band?
Yes, ‘n how many crimes must the White House commit
Before you make a last stand?
The answer, my friend, is ask Joe Lieberman
The answer is ask Joe Lieberman

Read the rest here.

Where's Beria when you need him?

Bourgeois plots against Our Leader's Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution.

Lazy Joe

I don't think Lazy Joe has appeared in my Warrior Kitty pics in a couple of weeks. So here he is:

How democracies wage war

I'm almost completely lifting the following from the Angry Arab. I've never done that before, and I'll doubt I'll ever do it again, but I think it's important that you see how our client state, Israel, a democratic nation, uses precision munitions, paid for and provided for us, to take the fight to the terrorists.

Samira's story is so sad. She reached Tyre hospital today, but she was injured on Friday when Israeli strikes hit her house in Dhayreh in South Lebanon. She was taken on a donkey ( yes a donkey) to Nakkoura , and from there they had to hitch hike to Tyre. By the time they got there she had lost all her blood. She will not make it , the doctors say. she was wounded in the leg and had she been able to reach the hospital sooner , she would have been fine. But due to the fact she bleeded for so long, her brain was damaged and she is now considered clinically dead.

Mohamad is not related to samira, but he reached the hospital in Tyre today too. Hewas with his dad on their motorcycle when some pilot decided to see if he can get them. He did get them : the father is now in the hospital in a critical condition : he doesn't remember his own name. Mohamad , 11 , will not die , but he lost both his legs.

Remember, we are better than the terrorists because we use only the best, most expensive precision weapons to kill and maim civillians.

The Seventh Seal is Broken

And the Kitties of the Apocalypse are unleashed.



Smokey takes a chunk out of Bandit as Panther waits for leftovers.