Who would Jesus waterboard?

L'shanah tovah

Happy New Year.

Warrior kitten update.

JC II's accepted the fact that we have to work ourselves down to one warrior dog and two apocalyptic kitties.

Smokey's moved in with a lady who recently lost both her dog and cat to a pestilence. We hear she likes it there.

Lazy Joe and Bandit will soon be moving in with our youngest's mother-in-significant-otherhood.

We're keeping Little Panther because all our friends are racists.

If it's good enough for our kids...

Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-GOP)
United States Senate

Dear Sen. Lieberman,

I bet you're still all tingly after the fundraiser Mel Sembler held for you. After all, not only is Amb. Sembler one of Our Leader's greatest fundraisers, he's also the man who pioneered some of your favorite interrogation techniques--the so-called "strong methods;" things like humiliation, beatings, and shoving things up a suspect's ass.

If it wasn't for Amb. Sembler's early experiments on children like "Donald," Richard Bradbury, and little Samantha Monroe, our nation might be decades behind in the race to perfect methods for causing pain approaching, but not equal to, that experienced during organ failure. Indeed, reading accounts made by his former wards is like listening to Abu Ghraib testimony.

"Donald:"

There were an immense number of times where I was forced to urinate and defecate on myself because they basically took my bathroom privilege away. I wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom. And I witnessed a lot of other people in there ending up urinating and defecating on themselves because being in a restraint. They told you were too dangerous to get up and go to the bathroom, those who asked. If you asked to go to the bathroom, you were afraid because if you did ask, then you'd be afraid to end up getting your tooth through your lip and I had it done many times.

Bradbury:

You don't understand what they did to these kids. They put stuff up my butt.

Monroe:

...beatings, rape by a counselor, forced hunger, and the confinement to a janitor's closet in "humble pants" -- which contained weeks of her own urine, feces and menstrual blood...

"It sticks inside you. It eats at your soul."

Now that your friend, Sen. McCain, has finally rolled over on Our Leader's torture bill, I expect that you'll be attending its signing at the White House, soon--at least, I hope that's the case given your support for torture in the past. You might consider inviting Ambassador Sembler along as well. It's only fitting that he be present at the moment his life's work becomes the law of the land.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


More on Ambassador Sembler here, here, and especially here:

Only Ray Bradbury knows what documents he has found in the trash through the years, but the whole world knows that one day he found Mel Sembler's penis pump.

[...]

Bradbury says the pump belongs to him because the ambassador threw it away. The ambassador says it belongs to him and he wants it back.

Update: Lindsey's (Majikthise) father investigated Straight Inc. She writes about it here and here.

Silly Lambert

We never tire of hearing Our Leader extol the virtues of his "potent tool."

George Felix Allen proves he's not Jewish

He had his friends at the CCC check him out.

Happy Birthday

to Street Prophets.

Mary's last name was Knudson

I hope Sen. Allen protested hard enough so that he doesn't catch hell at the next CCC heritage appreciation meeting.

The Prince of Peace's Terrible Swift Sword

That French bastard, Greenwald, has more.

Middle Ground

There's a lot of talk, recently, about bipartisanship and "finding the middle ground." I often wonder what that means exactly. When I see a Joe Lieberman or a John McCain speak about bipartisanship, they usually mean that Democrats should get in line and support one of Our Leader's policies.

After the last election, franco-filmmaker Michael Shea decided to travel into the Heartland to see if he could find a middle ground between his liberal views and those held by patriotic Christianists. He approached the task earnestly, knowing, as only liberals can know, that if people just sat down and discussed their differences reasonably with each other, they'd find that they shared a lot of the same basic values. Indeed, he was certain that the commonalities would outweigh the differences.

He was wrong, and the film he made during his journey, Red State, documents how he finally came to the realization that there is no middle ground between the faith-based and reality-based communities.

This is a dangerous film. It exposes our private views--the ones we seldom share with the unchurched--for all the world to see. It could prove to be a very powerful mobilization tool for leftists and secularists who are clever enough to share it with their friends or show it at regularly scheduled events like Drinking Liberally or conversation salons.

Imagine if you will, how the French would react to the following exchange between Shea and Gladys Gill, the State Director of the Mississippi chapter of Concerned Women For America:

Mrs. Gill: I think we lost more than we gained with civil rights. I hope to see them repealed.

[...]

Mrs. Gill: Well I don't know where you folks were when we were trying to hang on to state's rights

Shea: I was two I think.

Mrs. Gill: Yeah, right

Shea: In fact I was born in the year the Civil Rights Act was passed.

Mrs. Gill: Yeah. Right. So you don't remember what life was like when we had liberty to do what we needed to do in our own lives.

You won't find that kind of honesty on the CWA website, because the public isn't quite ready for it. We're getting there with the help of traditionalists like George Allen and Conrad Burns, but we still have a way to go before we air these kinds of views in prime-time.

The same is true of the comments Boise Republican activist Dennis Mansfield, made in the film:

Those of us who are conservatives and call Christ the king of our lives realize that we really serve a kingdom and not a democracy. In a sense we're citizens in two cultures at the same time. We are Americans, but we really realize that the longer, bigger picture, sort of the eternal picture, is that we're also citizens of a king, and his name is Christ; his name is Jesus.

[...]

Christ is love, but he's also the god, Jehovah, that had tons of people taken out because of their complete idolatry.

Here again, it's not time to us to fully spring Republican Jesus on the public, at least not until Our Leader makes a few more of his "crusade" speeches.

So while I urge you to buy a copy of Red State to help you better understand our values, I hope you'll guard it carefully. We can't allow it to get into the hands of our domestic enemies. We haven't finished marketing the Christianist States of America. It's better to keep these kinds of views to ourselves until we're ready.

Olbermann III

He's doing it again.

Joe's divine right to park where he pleases

More here.

Retail Politics

John N. Nordstrom
Director, Nordstrom Inc.
1617 Sixth Ave
Seattle, WA 98101
Phone: 206-628-2111
Fax: 206-628-1795

Dear John,


Given the terrific success of Nordstrom’s stock over the last five years, I can certainly understand your decision to donate money to Washington State Initiative 920 (I-920) campaign that would repeal the State Estate Death Tax. In fact, I noticed in the most recent Public Disclosure Commission report that you have contributed a total of $75,000 to the I-920 campaign.


Please don’t concern yourself, John, that Nordstrom’s customers will perceive you as a skin-flint tax dodger, or as anti-education just because I-920 will gut State revenue for education. I really believe that once your customer base understands the fine, Christian patriots that have put this campaign together, they will see that you are part of a bigger, more glorious movement.

I am referring, of course, to the fact that the sponsor, campaign manager and chairman for I-920, Mr. Dennis Falk is head of the Washington State John Birch society and part of the Christian Patriot movement, as well.

Since your generous contributions are now part of Mr. Falk’s salary, I think you deserve part of the credit for the resurgence of constitutionalist, survivalist, and militia organizations in Washington State. Indeed, your customers may well view you as an ambassador in the causes of the John Birch society, the Posse Comitatus , the Christian Patriots, and the larger Christian Identity movements .

If I-920 passes, I think you should celebrate by marketing a commemorative line of Christian Identity merchandise in Nordstrom stores all over the country. I’m thinking things like camouflage bibles, “Soldier Jesus” bobble head dolls, and survivalist flasks with tiny metal communion cups. I think they would be a big hit with your new customer base.

Your verily,

Darryl
hominidviews.com

Update: Emails were bouncing, so I've put the contact information for the corporate headquarters in the header.

Of Boobs and Bulges

Dr. Ofglenn
Instawife

Dear Dr. Ofglenn,

Although I am as shocked as anyone that a woman would dare appear with a former President without first binding her breasts with an ace bandage, I think you and Ofwaterpic are missing the most important aspect of this story. Indeed, yea "heh" and "indeed," I'm amazed that it was the boobs in the photo that caught your attention rather than greater, more obvious danger displayed on either side of those iniquitous breasts.

Of course, I'm referring to the crotchal bulges thrust mockingly at us by the men at each end of the Francoblogger flock. Make no mistake about it, these are not mere random packages, they are deliberate bulges, displayed to taunt and humiliate good, patriotic men like your husband and myself.

And, by God, they served their purpose. The bulges haunted my dreams last night. They hunted me down in the misty recesses of my unconscious, and upon cornering me, pointed their gigantic four-inch appendages of evil at me screaming in the language of our enemy, "J' ACCUSSE, GENERAL, J' ACCUSE!"

I imagine Glenn suffered similarly. I hope you now understand why he woke up in a cold sweat, shaking, crying, and demanding that you acknowledge the fact that a man's size is too often exaggerated in our culture. And I hope you answered his pleadings with kindness and understanding, because the worst is yet to come.

I know, because I've been here before. The mojo of the francobulge is very powerful. Now that it has conquered our dreams, it will invade our waking thoughts, beating down our will by playing it's image on an unending loop inside our heads, until we give in and one day awaken naked on the floor of one of those bars where everyone dresses like a biker but no one owns a bike.

That's when the truly hellish part begins--the self-recrimination, the doubts about orientation, and the repeated trips to Seattle or Knoxville seeking redemption from the man who spanks people with a spatula for money.

So perhaps you should forget about the breasts and concentrate on Glenn. He needs you now more than ever.

Heterosexually yours (in a way of which my wife, Ofjoshua, would approve).

Gen. JC Christian, patriot