Mrs. Malkin's America

I don't get it. Why would this Jewish guy get upset because a bunch of patriots wanted Muslims to be tatooed or forced to wear special armbands?

From Kos Diarist Rock Strongo:

On Sunday afternoon, Washington, DC radio host Jerry Klein of WMAL was commenting on the Muslim Imams kicked off a flight. Klein suggested that all Muslims in the United States should be identified with a crescent-shape tattoo or a distinctive arm band, the phone lines jammed instantly.

Among the callers:

"Not only do you tattoo them in the middle of their forehead but you ship them out of this country ... they are here to kill us."

and:

Another said that tattoos, armbands and other identifying markers such as crescent marks on driver's licenses, passports and birth certificates did not go far enough. "What good is identifying them?" he asked. "You have to set up encampments like during World War Two with the Japanese and Germans."

Finally a half hour into his show, Klien revealed the game:

"I can't believe any of you are sick enough to have agreed for one second with anything I said. For me to suggest to tattoo marks on people's bodies, have them wear armbands, put a crescent moon on their driver's license on their passport or birth certificate is disgusting. It's beyond disgusting.

Update: Listen to the show.

A helmet tip to Mike Stark.

This, Mitt Believes (Volume 2)

There is nothing more sacred to Mormons than our temples. It's where we are sealed (married) to our partners. It's also where we perform marriages and baptisms for the dead so they can be saved. Most importantly, it's where we receive the endowments, or tokens, we'll need to get into the Celestial Kingdom (heaven). What are these tokens? Well, let's take a look at the script for the temple ceremony:

THE FIRST TOKEN OF THE AARONIC PRIESTHOOD
ELOHIM: We will now give unto you the First Token of the Aaronic Priesthood with its accompanying name, and sign. Before doing this, we desire to impress upon your minds the sacred character of the First Token of the Aaronic Priesthood, with its accompanying name and sign, as well as that of all the other tokens of the Holy Priesthood, with their names, and signs, which you will receive in the temple this day. They are most sacred, and are guarded by solemn covenants and obligations made in the prescense of God, Angels and these witnesses to hold them sacred and under no condition, even at the peril of your life, will you ever divulge them, except at a certain place in the temple that will be shown you hereafter.

The First Token of the Aaronic Priesthood is given by clasping the right hands and placing the joint of the thumb directly over the first knuckle of the hand, in this manner.

(The Officiator, representing Elohim, takes the right hand of the male witness, who represents Adam at the alter, and demonstrates the token. The male witness, who remains kneeling, is obliged to raise his hand above his head while receiving the grip, thus enabling the patrons to view the manner in which the token is to be given.)

[...]

SECOND TOKEN OF THE AARONIC PRIESTHOOD

PETER: A couple will now come to the altar. (The witness couple kneels at the altar as before.) With the robe on the left shoulder, you are prepared to officiate in the ordinances of the Aaronic Priesthood. We will now give unto you the Second Token of the Aaronic Priesthood with its accompanying name, and sign. This Token is given by clasping the right hands and placing the joint of the thumb between the first and second knuckles of the hand, in this manner.

(The Officiator and the male witness joins hands in the token, and slightly raise their hands to demonstrate in to the patrons.)

[...]

FIRST TOKEN OF THE MELCHIZEDEK PRIESTHOOD OR SIGN OF THE NAIL

PETER: We will now give unto you the First Token of the Melchizedek Priesthood, or the sign of the Nail, with its accompanying name and sign. This token is received by bringing the right hand into this position: the hand vertical, the fingers close together, and the thumb extended; and the person giving the token placing the tip of the forefinger of his right hand in the center of the palm, and the thumb opposite on the back of the hand of the one receiving it, in this manner. We desire all to receive it. All arise.

(After Officiator and male witness demonstrate token at the altar, temple workers circulate around room to administer this token to the patrons.)

[...]

SECOND TOKEN OF THE MELCHIZEDEK PRIESTHOOD, THE PATRIARCHAL GRIP, OR SURE SIGN OF THE NAIL

PETER: We will now give unto you the Second Token of the Melchizedek Priesthood, the Patriarchal Grip, or the Sure Sign of the Nail, with its accompanying sign. This token has reference to the crucifixtion of the Savior. When he was placed upon the cross, the crucifiers drove nails through the palms of his hands then fearing that the weight of his body would cause the nails to tear through the flesh of the hands, they drove nails through his wrists. Hence, in the palm is the sign of the nail, and in the wrist, is the Sure Sign of the Nail, or the Nail in the Sure Place. This token is given by clasping the right hands, interlocking the little fingers, and placing the tip of the forefinger upon the center of the wrist, in this manner (The Officiator demonstrates this token with male witness.). We desire all to receive it. All arise.

(As the witness couple returns to their seats various temple workers administer the token as before, and each patron sits after receiving it.)

As I said at the beginning, you can't get into Heaven, or as Mormons call it, the Celestial Kingdom, unless you know these secret handshakes. Obviously, you wouldn't want to screw up at the Pearly Gates, so the temple workers give you an opportunity to try your new skills in a dry run held at the end of the ceremony:

CEREMONY AT THE VEIL.

(At this point, a temple worker motions to the patrons, row by row, directing them to the various Veil segments. A worker stands at each segment to introduce the patron to "the Lord" who is on the other side of the Veil. The worker gives three distinct taps with the mallet.)

LORD: What is wanted?

WORKER: Adam, having been true and faithful in all things, desires further light and knowledge, by conversing with the Lord, through the Veil.

LORD: Present him at the Veil, and his request shall be granted.

(The Lord gives the First Token of the Aaronic Priesthood through the opening in the Veil.)

LORD: What is that?

PATRON: The First Token of the Aaronic Priesthood.

LORD: Has it a name?

PATRON: It has.

LORD: Will you give it to me?

PATRON: I will, through the Veil. (The patron gives the New Name).

(The Lord gives the Second Token of the Aaronic Priesthood.)

LORD: What is that?

PATRON: The Second Token of the Aaronic Priesthood.

LORD: Has it a name?

PATRON: It has.

LORD: Will you give it to me?

PATRON: I will, through the Veil (The patron gives the first given name of the person for whom the temple work is being done).

(The Lord gives the First Token of the Melchizedeck Priesthood.)

LORD: What is that?

PATRON: The First Token of the Melchizedek Priesthood, or Sign of the Nail.

LORD: Has it a name?

PATRON: It has.

LORD: Will you give it to me?

PATRON: I will, through the Veil--the Son.

(The Lord gives the Second Token of the Melchizedek Priesthood.)

LORD: What is that?

PATRON: The Second Token of the Melchizedek Priesthood, the Patriarchal Grip, or Sure sign of the Nail.

LORD: Has it a name?

PATRON: It has.

LORD: Will you give it to me?

PATRON: I cannot. I have not yet received it. For this purpose I have come to converse with the Lord through the Veil.

LORD: You shall receive it through the Veil.

(The Lord and the patron, still holding the grip. The patron's left arm goes through the mark of the compass, and the Lord's left arm goes through the mark of the square.)

LORD: This is the name of the Token--"Health in the navel, marrow in the bones, strength in the loins and in the sinews, power in the Priesthood be upon me, and upon my posterity through all generations of time, and throughout all eternity."

LORD: What is that?

PATRON: The Second Token of the Melchizedek Priesthood, the Patriarchal Grip, or Sure Sign of the Nail.

LORD: Has it an name?

PATRON: It has.

LORD: Will you give it to me?

PATRON: I will, through the Veil.- Health in the navel, marrow in the bones, strength in the loins and in the sinews, power in the Priesthood be upon me, and upon my posterity through all generations of time, and throughout all eternity.

LORD: That is correct.

(The Lord and patron break the ceremonial embrace, and the temple worker gives three taps with the mallet.)

LORD: What is wanted?

WORKER: Adam, having conversed with the Lord through the Veil, desires now to enter his presence.

LORD: Let him enter.

(The Veil is now parted and the Lord takes the patron by the right hand, and pulls him gently through the Veil into the Celestial Room.)

Wow, there's a part of me that thinks God's going to have me clipped for revealing this.

Loving your neighbor

Our Savior's followers respond to the Bastard Fairies video I linked to earlier:

solidnem (1 day ago)

Those parents should be shot in the face for teaching this little idiot to speak out what she thinks is a natural cause of human misery, violence in religion? That may be true, but the last thing this god forsaken earth needs is another emo driven kid growing up to build a concentration camp

CaptainGhrei (4 weeks ago)

She's doomed to destruction unless she can get away! 8 yrs old? Insulting people? cursing? taking the Lord's name in vain? I feel sorry for this child! I just pray she can get away from the monsters who are raising her and soon! Or it will be too late for her.

hairdye (3 weeks ago)

That little girl needs to be slapped on the mouth.

kungfujesus (3 weeks ago)

The teachings of christ are peaceful. BUT HE CAN KICK OUR ASS.

kingofallhacks (3 weeks ago)

Shut the F#%K up, you liitle brat.

BuddyGz (3 weeks ago)

The parents should be beaten.

hairdye (3 weeks ago)

She probably doesn't have parents. That's why she's become a little tramp.

haterdrinkinhaterade (2 weeks ago)

She dresses like one of those emo kids who are known for being homosexuals, alcoholics, and drug addicts at an early age. Nice way to raise your kid loser.

haterdrinkinhaterade (2 weeks ago)

Those monitors behind her actually suck they are Behringers. Seems like that's a Mexican family who made it big selling watermelons on the street corner or something so they turn to "creative expressionism" via hatred towards religion, pathetic 'unique' clothing (like the little girls), and he probably creates hiphop on Reason and posts it on his myspace trying to get popular. Hahaha, what a Mexican loser.

TanzMan6 (3 days ago)

This little chink should shut the fuck up. We should have killed her parents in Viet Nam when we had the fucking chance.

Burn the bitch.

Update: You can leave a comment for the last guy, TanzMan6, here.

Update on the update: It looks like that page has been pulled down, but here's another.

Update on the update on the update: A new place to leave comments for Tanzman6.

Here's the video again:



Update: Here's the trailer for the Bastard Fairies' documentary, The Canary Effect.

Update from my inner Frenchman:

I can't believe the responses I'm getting from people. You'd think that this kid was reciting Mein Kampf while torturing a kitten the way folks are responding. Let me respond to a few themes I'm seeing.

The kid is being coached.

Of course she is. It's called acting. Do you get this upset about Dakota Fanning?

It's wrong for parents to indoctrinate their children like this.

All parents indoctrinate their children. It's called "passing on values." I was indoctrinated into Mormonism. My wife and I indoctrinated our kids with a liberal world view. Mrs. patriotboy also added a good dose of Judaism. My grandson is being indoctrinated in much the same way. Earlier tonight, his mother explained to him that Jesus wasn't real. It made Mrs. patriotboy and me very happy to see our values being passed on to another generation. That's our legacy.

She cussed a lot.

She said "God damned" and "ass" once each. Nothing more. In my culture, that would be acceptable if you explained to the child that there is a time and place for such language. It's appropriate if the script calls for it in a video, but isn't in everyday life. The kid's parents may live in a culture where it's always appropriate. I don't know. In any event, I thought it added an emotional impact to the script that wouldn't have been there otherwise.

The kid was dressed in a sexually provocative manner.

I don't get this at all. Look at this picture.



She's wearing a top that nobody would give a second thought to if they saw a little girl wearing it in a store or at a birthday party. Go anywhere on a summer day, and most little girls will be wearing something similar.

My guess is that it isn't the top that has people bothered, it's the scarf, the leopard print arm things, or the flower in her hair.



Get a grip. Little girls love playing dress up. If you're excited by leopard print sleeves on a little girl, you need help.

Her parents are teaching her to be intolerant.

Is tolerance of stupid and harmful beliefs really a virtue? I don't think so. I didn't receive any negative feedback when I wrote about Rev. Moon's sacred sex hankies. Why is that?

The little girl was too hard on Christians.

I'm assuming that she's Yellow Thunder Woman's daughter. That would mean that her grandfather was Greg Zephier, an American Indian Movement Leader. Read In the Spirit of Crazy Horse, Agents of Repression: The FBI's Secret Wars Against the Black Panther Party and the American Indian Movement, and The COINTELPRO Papers: Documents from the FBI's Secret Wars Against Dissent in the United States and then tell me if this family should have any respect for America's dominant culture.

I'm watching you, Mr. Turk

There's just something funny about a guy who can't enjoy a video tribute to a fine, god-fearing, patriotic quarterback.

Don't blame the war lobby

Who lost Iraq? Was it the keyboard warriors of the patriotsphere, the cocktail generals of the punditocracy, the courageous sycophants in Congress, or the bold and resolute Caligula from Crawford?

"None of the above," shout Kondracke, Kurtz, and Jacobs, "it was the American people."

What the ACLU hath wrought

Readers lpetrusha and Monkeyboy report this act of blasphemy against Oberchristfuhrer O'Reilly:


Update: Watertiger beat me to it.

And Olbermann's subversion continues. This time he's attacking Leader-in-Waiting Gingrich for wanting to whittle the Bill of Rights down to its final two amendments. Heck, screw free speech. The ability to own guns and to refuse the quartering of soldiers in one's home are all the rights a man needs anyway.

And what the heck, let's check the latest dispatches from the aristocracy.

An FU away from rhetorical victory

Glen Reynolds, Instapundit
Ian Schwartz, Hot Air
Biggus Dickus, Blue Crab Boulevard
Ace, Ace of Spades
Bob Owens, The Confederate Wankee

Dear Mr. Reynolds, Mr. Schwartz, Mr. Dickus. Mr. Spades, and Mr. Owens,

With the exception of Mr. Yankee, you've all written posts expressing anger toward NBC for calling the Iraq Phase of Our Leaders Glorious Eternal Struggle to Resubjugate the Brown People a "civil war." I'm not sure where Mr. Yankee stands on this issue, but given other recent news, I'm afraid to exclude him from this email.

I'm sure you've heard the reports that the various factions in Iraq are mobilizing their troops in preparation for large scale battles. Once such battles occur, the rest of the traitorous, America-hating, francoslamunistofascist media will certainly follow NBC's lead. It won't matter that there isn't a Stonewall, a Nathan Bedford Forrest, or a Bobby Lee leading any of the militias. As soon as they can find a Sherman, they'll start screaming, "civil war."

We need to push back now, before that happens. That's why I'm asking you to join me in calling the situation in Iraq what it truly is: ethnic cleansing. If we're successful, it'll be at least six months, an entire Friedman unit (FU), before the media starts thinking "civil war" again. By then, everything will be better. I just know it will.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Darwin's Missionaries

More anti-Mormon bigotry!



A helmet tip to reader Brian.

Jim Webb is a lucky man

Jim Webb is a very lucky man. Our Leader would have torn him to pieces for his insolence had not First Lady OfGeorge, Secretary of State OfGeorge, failed Supreme Court Nominee OfGeorge, and Under Secretary of State for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs OfGeorge restrained him. Yes, you read that right. The only reason Jim Webb isn't in a hospital bed today is because the OfGeorges intervened. It took all four of them, but thank God, they prevented a massacre.

Webb's also much wiser than I would have guessed. Had he chosen to act on his impulse to punch Our Leader, there's only one way the Decider could have responded. He'd have taken out a straight razor and said, "Now, I've gotta cuts ya." That's the way things are handled in the vicious preparatory schools where Our Leader learned to be a Texan.

It's just too bad we can't get a bunch of Iraqis to punch him. He'd be on them like a white hood on a Republican strategist. It'd free up enough troops to repeat our Iraq success in Iran and Syria.

Update: It looks like Our Leader did get a kick in.

Gifts that'll stop baby Jesus from destroying your village

If you're looking to find fun, inexpensive gifts for your more God-fearing and patriotic friends and family members, you can't go wrong by checking out the advertisers in my sidebar.

Miss Poppy Dixon's been a Christmas advertiser here for a number years. I love all of her stuff, but you should avoid her anti-masturbatory gum if you're thinking about rescuing spermatazoan-Americans (and of course ladies wouldn't need it anyway since they don't have little soldiers to touch inappropriately). Instead, you might consider a Lock 'n Load Jesus ash tray. Her blog, Adult Christianity, and Cafe Press shop are pretty darn good too.

Carry a Big Sticker has advertised here pretty much constantly over the last few years. Please consider thanking them for supporting the General by picking up a T-shirt or a couple of stickers.

Both have special deals for the General's readers. See their ads for details.

I think Red State: The Movie will be advertising here soon. Buy a DVD even if they don't. I guess I should also mention This Divided State while I'm at it. We need to support French filmakers so Jason Apuzzo has someone to oppress him.

And lets not forget our readers.

SeattleDan and SeattleTammy can satisfy all your reading needs. Call or email them at their independent bookstore, Jackson Street Books, (206) 324-7000.

If any other readers have a business they'd like me to plug, please put the info in the comments and I'll post it over the weekend. It'll be nice to have a list of God-fearing, heterosexual businesses to patronize.

Ted Stevens ain't no dirty commie

Contrary to what Citizen Steve says, Comrade Stevens (R-Incontinent Rage) is simply implementing an important piece of Our Leader's glorious Five Year Plan.

The comments take a very literary turn

The Hot House Flowers comments have gone all French on me.

Reviewing Hot House Flowers

My review of Judge John H. Wilson's children's book, Hot House Flowers, is up at Amazon. If you're not familiar with this fun little storybook, here's how the New York Post describes it:

Criminal Court Judge John Wilson's "Hot House Flowers" warns of "effects of unregulated immigration" in a plot line about beautiful flowers that wither when dandelions sneak into their greenhouse.

...the flowers are saved at the end by a benevolent master who plucks out all the dandelions. The flowers learn never to let dandelion seeds grow in their greenhouse again.

Although I felt compelled to pan the book in the end, there's a lot to like about it:

A "Final Solution" to the "Dandelion" Problem, November 28, 2006

Reviewer:

Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

It's very difficult for me to give this book merely one star. After all, how can a true American patriot not love a children's story in which a "benevolent master" saves a hot house by rounding up undesirables and destroying them? Unfortunately, the list of undesirable plants the master eliminates is limited to simply dandelions. That's very disappointing.

Surely others could be added to that list. How about plants with minor defects? Why should the hot house's resources be shared with them? The same goes for gardenias. I think most of the other flowers would be offended by the fertilizer gardenias enjoy. And do I even have to mention the pansies?

Hopefully Judge Wilson will correct these oversights in future books.

Here's another fine review:

Botanical miscegenation, November 27, 2006

Reviewer:

Jonathan Cohen "author" - See all my reviews

The best story of the dangers of out-of-town dandelions coming in and destroying the greenhouse with their Camaros, mosques, and ethnic cooking flavors.

You'll be flipping the pages until the climactic finale where the hot house flowers, who love the dandelions despite the different colors of their petals, burn a vitamin spike on the dandelions' front lawn. Highly recommended.

P.S. Also worth noting is the scene where one of the weeds tries to bust up a chiffarobe for a hot house flower, but ends up in hot water as a result!

A helmet tip to reader Elizabeth and Above the Law.

Inside baseball

Happy blogiversary Annie. You're still banned.

Conspiracies everywhere

Bob Owens
The Confederate Wankee

Dear Mr. Owens,

Your ability to sniff out Demoslamunistofascist conspiracies never ceases to amaze me. First, you uncover Google's use of unholy algorithms to promote buttplugs featuring the likeness of our infant Lord. Now, you've delivered up evidence that Reuters is pasting Our Leader's bold and resolute image over the faces of burqa-clad mourners.

Of course there are those who will fail to see your genius and will refer to you using word combinations like "delusional douchebag," "fucking nut job," and "Michelle Malkin." Pay them no mind. They are simply trying to distract you from examining the photo more closely. They're hoping you will miss the other areas of the photo where there is obvious tampering.

Look at the woman below Our Leader for example. Obviously, her face has been replaced with Mel Martinez's. And the woman on the right looks suspiciously like Junior Leader Jeb. And what about that suspicious bulge poking out from Leader woman's back? Could it be that Reuters photoshopped a burqa fold to hide Saddam's weapons of mass destruction. That deserves further inspection, but I'll leave it to you since it requires someone with your imagination.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

And what about the War on Easter

Commenter eimel has an excellent idea:

General Sir,

In the coming War on Easter, I recommend that all employees of Walmart be instructed to replace the secular-humanist "have a nice day" with the Passion appropriate "Five Wounds of Christ."

So a typical interchange during the weeks before and after Easter would go:

"That will be $29.99 please."
"Here you are."
"The Five Wounds of Christ."
"God's Wounds."

Or something along those lines.

Why wasn't I notified...

...about the War for Thanksgiving?

Just another day at Minitrue

From the Orwell classic, 2006*:

What happened in the unseen labyrinth to which the tubes led, he did not know in detail, but he did know in general terms. As soon as all the corrections which happened to be necessary in any particular number of web pages had been identified, that number would be edited and republished, the original html code destroyed, and the corrected pages placed on the web site in its stead. This process of continuous alteration was applied not only to the web site, but also to official photographs, video, documents, reports, transcripts, films, audio files, graphics, -- to every kind of data or documentation which might conceivably hold any political or ideological significance. Day by day and almost minute by minute the past was brought up to date. In this way every prediction made by the Party could be shown by documentary evidence to have been correct, nor was any item of news, or any expression of opinion, which conflicted with the needs of the moment, ever allowed to remain on record. All official history was a palimpsest, scraped clean and reinscribed exactly as often as was necessary. In no case would it have been possible, once the deed was done, to prove that any falsification had taken place. The largest section of the Records Department, far larger than the one on which Winston worked, consisted simply of persons whose duty it was to track down and collect all copies of reports, fact sheets, press releases and other documents which had been superseded and were due for destruction. A number of electronic files which might, because of changes in political alignment, or mistaken prophecies uttered by Our Leader, have been rewritten a dozen times still existed in protected files bearing their original date, and no other copies existed to contradict them. Reports, also, were recalled and rewritten again and again, and were invariably reissued without any admission that any alteration had been made. Even the emails which Winston received, and which he deleted as soon as he had dealt with them, never stated or implied that an act of forgery was to be committed: always the reference was to slips, errors, misprints, or misquotations which it was necessary to put right in the interests of accuracy.

But actually, he thought as he reframed the video of Our Leader's speech on the USS Abraham Lincoln, it was not even forgery. It was merely the omission of another piece of nonsense. Most of the material that you were dealing with had no connection with anything in the real world, not even the kind of connection that is contained in a direct lie.

Statistics were just as much a fantasy in their original version as in their rectified version. A great deal of the time you were expected to make them up out of your head. For example, the Army's recruitment forecast had estimated it needed 8,050 recruits for the month of May. The actual figure came in at a little over 5000. Winston, however, in rewriting the forecast, marked the projected figure down to 6,700, so as to lesson the Pentagon's embarrassment. In any case, 8,050 was no nearer the truth about what was needed than 6,700, or 10,000 for that matter. Very likely no number of recruits would save the Army from being destroyed by incompetent leadership. Likelier still, nobody cared. All one knew was that every month astronomical recruitment numbers were produced on paper, while soldiers were deployed for their third or fourth tours in the battle zone. And so it was with every class of recorded fact, great or small. Everything faded away into a shadow-world in which, finally, even the date of the year had become uncertain.

* The title of George Orwell's novel is 2006. It has always been called 2006.

Today's Freeper Words of Wisdom

NeoliberalNot on bigotry:

Recognize this truth -- The bigotry is fueled by the Old Media, the homos, and the ACLU.

Elsewhere: My inner Frenchman will be on Goldy's KIRO radio show in a few minutes, sometime after 7:15 PST.

This, Mitt believes... (Volume 1)

The kerfuffle over Andrew Sullivan's post on Mitt Romney's magical underwear inspired me to do a weekly series of posts on Mitt's Mormon beliefs. As the great great grandson of a Mormon prophet, Willford Woodruff, a holder of the Aaronic Priesthood, and an LDS Seminary Bowl champion, I think I'm more than qualified to do so.

We'll start out with Kolob. It's the star nearest to the planet where God lives. It's important to remember that. We Mormons get very angry when gentiles say we believe God lives on Kolob. It makes us sound crazy. God couldn't live on Kolob. He isn't a sun person; he'd burn his feet.



The story of Abraham's discovery of Kolob is found in the Pearl of Great Price (Abra. 3:3-9), one of the "four standard [scriptural] works" of the Mormon religion, the others being the Book of Mormon, the Bible, and the Doctrine and Covenants:

3 And the Lord said unto me: These are the governing ones; and the name of the great one is Kolob, because it is near unto me, for I am the Lord thy God: I have set this one to govern all those which belong to the same order as that upon which thou standest.

4 And the Lord said unto me, by the Urim and Thummim, that Kolob was after the manner of the Lord, according to its times and seasons in the revolutions thereof; that one revolution was a day unto the Lord, after his manner of reckoning, it being one thousand years according to the time appointed unto that whereon thou standest. This is the reckoning of the Lord's time, according to the reckoning of Kolob.

Joseph Smith translated the Book of Abraham for inclusion into the Pearl of Great Price by using the same Urim and Thummim Abraham used to discover Kolob. A facsimile of the original papyrus is included in the Pearl of Great Price.

The prophet Joseph Smith also used these "seer stones" to translate the Golden Plates into the Book of Mormon. Elder Russel M. Nelson (a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles) describes the stones:

Also, that there were two stones in silver bows--and these stones, fastened to a breastplate, constituted what is called the Urim and Thummim--deposited with the plates; and the possession and use of these stones were what constituted 'seers' in ancient or former times; and that God had prepared them for the purpose of translating the book.

Elder Nelson also tells us how they were used:

Joseph Smith would put the seer stone into a hat, and put his face in the hat, drawing it closely around his face to exclude the light; and in the darkness the spiritual light would shine. A piece of something resembling parchment would appear, and on that appeared the writing. One character at a time would appear, and under it was the interpretation in English. Brother Joseph would read off the English to Oliver Cowdery, who was his principal scribe, and when it was written down and repeated to Brother Joseph to see if it was correct, then it would disappear, and another character with the interpretation would appear. Thus the Book of Mormon was translated by the gift and power of God, and not by any power of man.

Elsewhere:

Calculate your age in Kolob time (Mitt is almost 85 minutes old).

Prepare yourself for Mitt Romney's inauguration by learning the words to the Mormon hymn, If You Could Hie to Kolob. You know Kathryn Jean Lopez is practicing her butt off.

Update: I think the Lord inspired me to tell you what Mitt believes. That's good, because it looks like the Governor is keeping it secret.

Shunned! Apparently, this post got me delinked from the Bloggernacle

The Difference Between Governing And Playing Politics: Abusing Power & Position for Personal & Political Gain

_{Image © Austin Cline
Original Poster: National Archives
Click for full-sized Image}

When we elect people to govern, we should be able to expect that they will actually try to do their jobs and work for the best interests of society. This is also true when the person we don’t vote for wins — maybe we didn’t personally contribute to their victory, but we did participate in the democratic process and this politician does have an obligation to serve all of us, even those who didn’t vote for them.

What happens, though, when we elect people who have no interest and/or ability to govern? What happens when we elect people who are more interested in their own personal power than in the general interests of society? We have been experiencing exactly that with the current Republican Congress and administration.

It may not be possible to document the full extent of Republican malfeasance and mismanagement of this country. Major crises, like hurricane Katrina and the 9/11 terrorist attacks, were addressed in ways that almost couldn’t have been worse. Minor issues have been dealt with in an even more incompetent manner. It might be easier to simply list the areas where Republican governance has been competent and effective.

(*crickets chirping*)

Well, that went quick. Merely failing to govern well isn’t a sign of malice, however — any idiot can fail. To demonstrate malice, we need to observe their behavior when it’s not just competence we need, but a commitment to doing their job even when they might not particularly feel like it. Unfortunately, we have been handed just such an opportunity: rather than take care of long-overdue spending bills, Republicans in the current Congress would rather go home and leave the work for the next Congress.

Why would they do this? Are they just lazy? No, they appear to be hoping that the Democrats will get any blame for unpopular decisions, making it easier for Republicans to come back to power in two years. I wonder if perhaps they may also just not want to do anything for the ungrateful people who didn’t keep Republicans in power now. So what we have are elected representatives refusing to do the job they are being paid for as part of a tactic to regain power later and deny power to their political opponents now.

Remember how loudly Republicans howled over the story that Clinton staffers removed the W keys from keyboards in the White House in advance of George W. Bush taking up residence? There were in fact allegations of massive vandalism, all of which were false — basically, Republicans lied in order to make Democrats look bad. All that happened was that a few Democrats created a minor inconvenience with a practical joke, something which is apparently common — Bush’s father’s staff did similar things to the incoming Clinton team.

Consider the contrast here: Republicans were outraged and promising investigations over vandalism that didn’t happen and a practical joke that was both minor and reasonably amusing. Now that they are on their way out, however, they are deliberately and consciously undermining the very process of good governance in order to create significant problems for incoming Democrats. That’s not a practical joke or even vandalism, it’s a form of deliberate sabotage.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure if there is anything that can be done about this. When the people in charge are too incompetent or immature to do their jobs, how do you force them to — especially when they are leaving and won’t be in charge anymore anyway? This sort of story doesn’t make for good sound bites, though I doubt that the media would do much to report on it even if it did. And as long as Democrats are still in the minority, they don’t have the power to force Congress to do its job.

When do these people get their final checks? Perhaps the incoming Congress can vote to garnish the wages of outgoing Congressional leaders who failed to pass bills that should have been dealt with. If you don’t do your job, you shouldn’t get paid.

Mitt's magical underwear

Andrew Sullivan, a God-fearing Catholic and patriotic foreigner, is taking a lot of heat for writing about Gov. Romney's underwear, or more accurately Mitt's Magical Garments of the Holy Priesthood. I suppose I understand why gentiles like Sullivan find our sacred underwear funny. It is underwear, after all, but does he understand that such mockery puts him in extreme danger. I'm quite certain that it's possible to shoot a death ray out of one of the garments nipple symbols, particularly the pointy compass-shaped one--I've always felt it has a menacing look about it.

While I haven't heard any accounts of garments being used as a weapon in this way, I've sat through many Fast and Testimony Meetings* where my co-religionists have provided first hand accounts of the sacred underwear's protective ability. A few of these stories have even made it onto the internet tubes.

Larry writes:

I was in a major traffic accident the night before President Kimball died in 1985. I was in a subcompact car doing 60MPH when I was faced with a 1/2 ton truck that had gone out of control and was broadside in front of me. I do not know how fast he was going, but we were on a major highway and he was travelling towards me.
I should have died in the accident, according to the police. I was suspected of having massive internal injuries, a broken back, as well as my right leg hanging like a piece of meat below the knee and serious facial injuries. Anyway, when one of the ward members came to visit me in the hospital a week later, he pointed out that all my injuries(other than severe bruising)were above and below the garment line.

annegb tells her husband's story:

My husband went out to cut wood on the mountain and he accidentally cut through his pants with the saw. Well, I mean, he thinks the garments saved his leg because the pants have a big wide cut in the thigh part and his garments weren't cut. So, there is something there. I think it would be very hard to cut through a pair of levis with a chain saw and not through your leg.

Of course the big question is whether garments can protect you against a Rovian whisper campaign on the eve of Super Tuesday.

* Fast and Testimony Meetings are monthly meetings where churchmembers "bear their testimony" about the truthfulness of the gospel. One of my favorite testimonies of all time was one given by Sister "Smith" in which she thanked the Lord for allowing her to have another child (her tenth) long after she'd given up hope of ever giving birth again. She gave this testimony a couple of months after her son, "Bob," and I snuck into her and her husband's bedroom and stole the big box of condoms they kept hidden under their bed.

Note: That was fun. I think I'll do a weekly "What Mitt Believes." What should I start out with? Baptizing the dead? God lives on a planet near Kolob? Indians are Jews who ride tapirs? Joseph Smith and the magical translation stones? Why God embraced integration in 1978? Jesus: using dad's prestige to get his own universe? Why don't the prophets talk about the sunpeople and the moonpeople anymore? How Spartan-style wresting helps you determine whether you're speaking to a demon or an angel? Other suggestions?