Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "gen.jc.christian@gmail.com.")
Thanks!

Friday, August 31, 2007

Best Opening Lines

Earlier this week, Spinner.com published a list of their favorite opening lines in songs. Topping their list was the first lines of Rick James' Superfreak:

She's a very kinky girl
The kind you don't take home to mother

Although I'm not a big fan of the song itself, I prefer the opening to Warren Zevon's Werewolves of London:

I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain
He was looking for a place called Lee Ho Fook's
Going to get himself a big dish of beef chow mein

Or maybe Bob Dylans Hurricane:

Pistol shots ring out in the barroom night
Enter Patty Valentine from the upper hall.
She sees the bartender in a pool of blood,
Cries out, "My God, they killed them all!

And how can you not love the beginning of the Patti Smith's Gloria:

Jesus died for somebody's sins but not mine

This week's playlist for the two or three of you who aren't on vacation is Best Opening Lines. We want to hear your contributions. You can add or search for songs here.

But if you add Kiss' Take Me, Little Petey LaBarbara is going to punch you.

username: jcchristian
password: ourmusic

It's going to be slow weekend, so don't worry about limiting your submissions. Keep adding songs as you think of them. Let's fill this one up.


Thursday, August 30, 2007

When men were men

George Will
Columnist, The Washington Post
Contributing Editor, Newsweek

Dear Mr. Will,

It's not very often that I'm moved by a promotional blurb for a book, but I am very heartened by the lines you wrote to promote Diana West's The Death of the Grown-up: How America's Arrested Development Is Bringing Down Western Civilization:

The most intriguing question about American culture today--even more intriguing than, "When and why did men start to hug each other?"--is the question Diana West tackles in this penetrating and witty book: "When and why did Americans decide to stop growing up?" Actually, I have a depressing feeling that the two questions are related.?

I think it's the first time someone with your gravitas has dared mention the link between the advent of men hugging each other and the decline of western civilization. Men didn't touch each other back when I was a kid. People thought it was inappropriate. Heck, I'll always remember everyone's embarrassment when I hugged my stepfather on the day he married my mother. It was very awkward, and a couple of uncles had to take me aside to explain that man hugging just isn't something that's done--even if you're only 10. I didn't know that--I'd spent a good portion of my young life without a dad to teach me how to be a real man--so I was grateful for their guidance. Just as I was later grateful for the taunting and beatings my stepfather employed to mold me into the kind of man who'd do him proud (which I did six years later when I kicked his ass for choking my brother).

America was strong in those days. Our economy was the envy the world. We kicked communist butt in Chile and Honduras and were within six months of defeating the commie hoards in Vietnam. Men like Tucker Carlson could proudly beat up homosexuals in restrooms without fear of being charged with a hate crime, or any crime at all for that matter. It was a time when being white and male meant something. We were riding high. We were a nation of John Waynes.

Then a generation of Dr. Spock babies came of age. They invaded our land driving VW microbuses and wearing tie died clothes. They preached an unmanly religion based on peace, love, and understanding. And worst of all, the males began hugging each other and calling one another brother--even the black guys.

It turned our world upside down. We lost Vietnam. President Nixon was railroaded out of office. The state security apparatus was no longer allowed to spy on us. We were forced to respect women and brown people. They even removed the gift of cyclomates from our Fresca.

It hasn't been the same since. As Publishers Weekly summarizes Mrs. West's book, these new values have "prolonged [the] adolescence of baby boomers [and] left America open to an insidious Islamization of culture via a misconceived political correctness that can't recognize the dehumanizing ideology of that religion."

It makes you want to punch someone, doesn't it?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Moderates for Torture



Mainesippi Sue: Fighting For Our Right to Torture

In closed door meetings White House officials convinced Senator Joe Lieberman (D-Conn), Congresswoman Jane Harman (D-California), Senator Susan Collins (R-Maine), and Congressman Peter Hoekstra (R-Michigan) to delete the anti-torture provisions before the bill went to the House.

A helmet tip to reader Freereed,

The Width of Your Stance

The Jivester's latest:

The Width of Your Stance
(sung to an obscure little folk song by Bob Dylan called “Blowing in the Wind”)

How many stalls must a man stand in
Before you start tapping your leg?
Yes, n how many knees must a man fall on
Before he stops having to beg?
Yes, n how many times must we knock on the wall
Before you know a heart wags?
The answer is in the width of your stance
The answer’s the width of your stance

Read the rest.

Jay and Silent Bob Rebuke Bono

Sen. Craig believes it

Dancing Liberally

We'll be dancing like it's Election Night, 2008.

Join us Thursday at 7:00 PM SLT/PDT at Cafe Wellstone in Second Life as we dance, discuss politics, and make fun of the president. DJ Rocky the Yak Rancher, ably assisted by Jane, will be spinning the bytes and Dick! Cheney will tapping his shoe behind the bar in a non-mistakably heterosexual manner.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Pardon Begging

Rep. Brian Baird
US Congress (D-Passionately Credulous)

Dear Rep. Baird,

I have to say I was a bit surprised to learn that you'd reversed your position on the war after doing the Pentagon's VIP tour in Iraq. It's amazing how a hug from a sheik, a little asparagus soup and lobster tortellini with the Ambassador, and a couple of briefings by serious looking men in crewcuts can turn even someone like you into fan of Our Leader's Great Iraq Adventure.

Not many people would be convinced so easily. They don't have the special kind of faith you have, the kind of faith that tells you, "hey, the Ambassador is eating well, we're going to win this thing" or "I feel sorry for that Nigerian widow, I'm going to give her my banking information and help her get her money back."

It's that quality, an unfettered willingness to believe anything, that makes me think you're the perfect person to help Sen. Larry Craig get a presidential pardon.

I'm sure you heard his press conference yesterday. He says he's not a homosexual, he just plead guilty to charges of restroom cruising because he thought it'd stop people from accusing him of blowing guys in the john. Hey, I buy that. I'm sure you do too. If not, maybe we can get a sheik to blow you. I bet that'll do the trick.

What do you say? Are you going to help me win a pardon for Larry?

Heterosexually yours (but not necessarily in a Larry Craig kind of way),

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Must have convinced him

Mr. Atkinson responds to my last email:

From: Philip Atkinson
To: 'Gen. JC Christian, patriot'
Sent: Monday, August 27, 2007 9:58 PM
Subject: RE: Defending Civilization

Sir,

You clearly do not have much to do and are delighted with the sound of your own voice.

Please spare me from more of your ravings.

Kind Regards,

Philip Atkinson

I guess I convinced him.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Man of the People



More great pictures from the Our Leader's Glorious Seattle Crusade, here.

Something about Idaho

"Gov. Butch Otter"...I'm pretty sure I've seen that name in the credits of those "special wrestling videos" Cletis is always bringing over.

BTW, it's been a long time since I reminded you that Cletis is a god damned liar. Don't believe a word he says. And I was drunk anyway, dammit.

An unfortunate juxtaposition

Here's what I think happened. Sen. Craig is googling his name. One of the links takes him to a post on the Idaho Values Alliance web site thanking him for voting for family values. Below it, he notices another article about homosexuals being nasty, bad, naughty boys in airport restrooms and decides to launch his own senatorial investigation:



Both of Idaho’s senators, Larry Craig and Mike Crapo, cast pro-life votes by weighing in against this bill, and deserve our thanks for helping to make an override impossible.

One of the tragic characteristics of the homosexual lifestyle is its emphasis on anonymous sex and multiple sexual partners. It is a little-acknowledged secret that many active homosexuals will have more than 1,000 sex partners over the course of a lifetime (the average among heterosexuals is seven – still six more than we were designed for). This sordid fact of homosexual life surfaced yesterday in an AP article yesterday that reports on the number of arrests police have made for indecent exposure and public sex acts in the restrooms at Atlanta’s airport, the busiest in the world. The increased restroom patrols, begun to apprehend luggage thieves, instead uncovered a rash of sex crimes. Airport restrooms have become so popular that men looking for anonymous sexual trysts with other men have advertised their airport availability on Craigslist. One such ad was from a man saying he was stuck at the airport for three hours and was looking for “discreet, quick action."

Helmet tip: Talking Points Memo.

Elsewhere: From the Jesus' General archives, Oct. 18, 2006:

And then there are the reports that Sen. Larry Craig is homosexual. I don't believe a word of it. Sure, maybe it's true that some guy put his little soldier into the senator's mouth a couple of times in train station restrooms, but that doesn't mean Craig's a homosexual.

Being a woman, you might not know this, but that kind of thing happens all of the time to good, Godly, heterosexual men, sometimes as often as four or five times a week. You'll be crawling on the restroom floor, looking for something you dropped when you had your pants down and, bam, somebody will accidentally stick his little soldier into your mouth. Of course, you'll naturally mistake it for a cigar and puff on it for awhile before it starts to taste funny, but it's all very innocent. I'm sure that's what happened to Sen. Craig.

Iraq: The belly of the beast

The Antichrist identified:

Monday, August 27, 2007

Larry Craig wants to punish nasty, bad, naughty boys




Before you jump to any conclusions about what Sen. Larry Craig (R-Carplips) was doing in that restroom, consider his history as a crusading Senator who likes to spank "nasty, bad, naughty boys."

Larry Craig on Meet the Press, Jan, 24, 1994:

SEN. CRAIG: Well, I don't know where the Senate's going to be on that issue of an up or down vote on impeachment, but I will tell you that the Senate certainly can bring about a censure reslution and it's a slap on the wrist. It's a, "Bad boy, Bill Clinton. You're a naughty boy." The American people already know that Bill Clinton is a bad boy, a naughty boy.

I'm going to speak out for the citizens of my state, who in the majority think that Bill Clinton is probably even a nasty, bad, naughty boy.

Read the full quote, here.

He probably thought the policeman was doing something naughty and needed a spanking.

A sad day at Abu Ghraib

Mr. Atkinson responds

Neocon think-tanker, Philip Atkinson. responded to my email that suggested he and James Woolsey should work together to open up gladitorial arenas for the entertainment of the plebes.

His response and my reply to it appear below:

Philip Atkinson
Thinker, James Woolsey's Think Tank

Dear Mr. Atkinson,

Thank you for responding to my email. I'm afraid you misunderstood what I wrote. I fully support your plans to give Our Glorious and Exalted Leader the title of "Caesar," grant him dictatorial powers for life, and defend white civilization against the forces of browness.

I want to be very clear in my reply to ensure that there are no further misunderstandings. To that end, I will respond to your letter, point by point.

You begin with what I assume must be a veiled attack against me:

----- Original Message -----
From: Philip Atkinson
To: 'Gen. JC Christian, patriot'
Sent: Thursday, August 23, 2007 5:21 PM
Subject: RE: Bread and Circuses

Sir,

Hints and innuendo are not a rebuttal of an argument.

That statement is true enough, but by making it, you seem to be hinting and implying that my letter was intended to be a rebuttal of your work. As you see in my explanation above, you misunderstood my intentions. I'm all for reliving the glory days of Rome and driving anyone darker than David Hasselhoff from Iraq and Mexico.

To refute an argument you must point out mistakes in the presumptions or logic of the argument.

Absolutely. That's why your argument can't be refuted. To do so would require that one attacks your assumption that we are on the verge of being enslaved by Mexican Islamunistofascists. That is impossible. The logic underlying your basic assumption is unassailable.

Sure, there are those who call us crazy or insane for making such assumptions, but they are the crazy ones. THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ARE INSANE! Hahahahaha, we laugh at their conventional definition of sanity. They do not know what we know. They do not listen to the exhortations or rifles of feel the sorrow of the lonely jackboot. They don't even watch 24. They know nothing of what it means to be a GIANT AMONG ANTS!, A GIANT AMONG ANTS GOD DAMN IT! Hahahahaha, they're the crazy bastards.

Please note the essay was an attempt to explain how President Bush could start a new world empire and thus minimise the impact of nuclear armed barbarian war bands that will inevitably appear.

Yes, yes, yes. That is why we must nuke their ancestors, now. We cannot depend on the invention of a time machine to save us. Our sentient machine overlords will control time travel. Hahahahaha. Who's crazy now!

911, the attack on the World trade centre by a barbarian war band, was predicted in 1952 by professor Arnold Toynbee in A Study Of History. The work was a study of civilizations and revealed that Western Civilization was declining. This meant that as EVERY previous declining civilization was attacked and destroyed by barbarian war-bands, our civilization would be attacked and finally destroyed by barbarian war bands.

Yes, civilization will be brought to its knees by a handful of people who are angry at us for having dreams of empire. It's another one of your unassailable assumptions. Fuck Paul Kennedy and his assumption that hegemons collapse upon themselves when their imperialistic ambitions cause them to overeach. They exhaust their resources fighting unwinnable wars. Yes, fuck Kennedy and everyone who thinks like him. Hahahaha, they are the crazy bastards, not us.

This raises two significant problems:

Yes it does. But neither problem is insurmountable if we listen to the rifle's wise counsel and try to understand the mournful wailing of the lonely jackboot.

1/ Our civilization is declining, a notion that is not generally understood but is explained for the first time at www.ourcivilisation.com/thdetail.htm.

Yes it is. You even cite your own web page to prove it. Do you know what would make your web site better? You should add a section on Nephilim. They are horny fallen space angels who want to impregnate our white women to create a race of slaves. It's a notion that is not generally understood, but is explained very well at http://www.kingdom-gospel.com/ufo.html.

And while it requires patience and effort to read the articles and so understand just what a civilization is, this task is essential for anyone who wishes to discover what his civilization is, and what is happening to it. Otherwise all opinions expressed about the state of our civilization, our community, or our nation, what this signifies, and what should be done, are based upon ignorance, for there is no other explanation of civilization other than the cited work.

Of course. You are the only person who truly understands civilization. That's why she turns to you when she needs to justify genocide. But be careful, she hasn't been the same since she was violated by the papist southern Europeans and the Jews at the turn of the previous century. She's a little more swarthy and a little less protestant now. She'll break your heart.

2/ How do you defend yourself against barbarian war bands armed with nuclear weapons? What should America do if New York disappears in a mushroom cloud, and Al Qaeda, or whoever, makes odious demands that must be met if Chicago is not to be next?

Given your unassailable assumptions, there is only one course of action we can take. It's the same course of action you suggested in your article and at your website. We must "empty Iraq of Arabs and repopulate the country with Americans" and "halt the Hispanic invasion [by employing] mass enslavement, or execution, of the invaders, [and follow it with] an American invasion of Mexico."

What do you recommend America does to deal with these two problems?

I think I answered that question, above. Your assumptions about the scope and nature of "the problem" leave us with only one solution, your solution, the final solution.

After the slaughter, may we greet each other as fellow veterans of the War For Civilization. I hope to honor you in the only way true warriors may honor each other by wrestling you in the manner of our ancient Spartan warrior forbearers, that is to say, unclothed. May the best man drive his fleshy staff of neoconservative inadequacy deep and emerge victorious.

Or we could catch a movie.

Kind Regards,

Philip Atkinson

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

RFID: The Mark of the Beast

Stay with it past the voice of the angel so you can hear Pastor Crone's opening statement.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Burner v. Bush

Darcy Burner has raised $70,000 so far this weekend in her effort to upstage Our Glorious Leader's fundraising event for Rep. Dave "The Green River Shiller" Reichert (R-sycophant). For God's sake, we have to do something to stop the contributions. This could be very embarrassing for Our Leader.

She's even subverting our generals:

Maybe they are Just Waiting for an Excuse...


Maybe they are Just Waiting for an Excuse...
Image © Austin Cline
Original Poster: National Archives
Click for full-sized Image


Has the General gotten a night job with Family Security Matters? I'd swear that the Philip Atkinson piece that everyone is talking about was written by the General. Sadly, that doesn't appear to be the case. Is there still a place in the world for people like the General when we have people like Philip Atkinson? I'm not sure that a Republican Party or conservative movement where people like Atkinson exist can possibly be satirized — though I appreciate the General's efforts.

Maybe there is some hope in the fact that people aren't yet used to seeing this sort of thing. Some didn't even believe he was real, but I didn't doubt it — and I'm sure the General didn't either. There may be a window of opportunity: on the one hand, it would be good to ridicule them and their ideas to the point where they can't be taken seriously; on the other hand, we don't want to mock them so much that public doesn't take the threat seriously and doesn't believe that they really mean what they say.

How much of a threat are they? That's difficult to say, but I'd wager that few would have thought it likely that someone in Atkinson's position even existed, much less could have been publicized and promoted on the site where it was found. It would be a grave error to continue assuming that there aren't already more people like him, or that could be readily brought around to his way of thinking giving the right circumstances. Unfortunately, there are far too many people with far too much influence who have been seriously pondering just what sort of circumstances would work.

We've already seen a couple of conservative writers positively describe the consequences of another terrorist attack on America, even a nuclear one, because of how it would "unite" the people (by force, perhaps) and refocus our attention on the terrorists (or whoever the President so designates). The government itself has been making plans for squadrons of clergy who can be sent out to counsel the people in the wake of martial law, presumably explaining that obedience to the government — even an authoritarian, dictatorial, anti-democratic government — is the will of God because all governments are ultimately established by God.

There's no question but that there are significant numbers of Christians who would continue to regard an America under martial law as an America that is under God — the Christian cosmology is an authoritarian, dictatorial system so why shouldn't a Christian government be one as well? You don't elect God or Jesus, so why elect a president? Over Christianity's long history, collaboration with democracy is relatively recent and short.

Christianity is readily compatible with just about any sort of government, whether free or not, and I don't doubt that many Christians in America would find it easy to accommodate a new system under a President for Life. It's happened before, and it's unwarranted arrogance to assume that American Christians are any better than Christians in other nations — or that Americans in general are so much better that they wouldn’t fall in line like others have.

It thus seems that there are more than a few people who are waiting for an excuse to forcibly unite America behind a single leader. Even worse is the fact that people who are eager for an excuse don't always have the patience to wait for just the right circumstances — sometimes, they decide to take matters into their own hands and produce the excuse themselves.

We see this in a religious context when, say, believers take it upon themselves to deliver "God's justice" to gays for their deviance. There is certainly nothing stopping them from doing the same thing in a political context (especially since there's an element of apocalyptic religious beliefs running throughout the entire present administration). If that's not enough for you to become concerned, perhaps you should check your pulse.



Saturday, August 25, 2007

Department of Book Reports 30: The Night Gardener



The Night Gardener, by George Pelecanos (Warner, $7.50) In his 14th novel George Pelecanos gives us a tour of the "Other D.C.", far from K Street. This police procedural introduces its characters slowly, and you're going to get to know them very well by the end of the book. Three cops, one retired and aging, one disgraced and now off the force, join Det. Gus Ramone to find justice for the young man (a friend of his own son's) found shot dead in the community garden. The circumstances echo a serial killer who 20 years ago, left his victims in the neighborhood gardens. Pelecanos builds the richness into his book as he lingers at a local watering hole, letting his characters tell their stories, jokes and conquests. The Ramone family is warmly and fully portrayed, and it is here he examines the harm of words. The Ramone's teen-aged sons have reached that age and school level where "That's so gay!" and "You Fag!" are hurled without thought. I hear a lot of this out of kids around here and this book confirmed my resolve to speak up and confront that whenever I hear it.

This is a perfectly constructed and personal novel that I consider his best yet.

I haven't read all of George's books, but I've loved everyone that I have devoured. The Nick Stefanos novels began in 1992, and later he went on to write the D.C. Quartet, which examine the decades after the middle of the last century, beginning in the fifties. More recently, Derek Strange and Terry Quinn have 4 contemporary tales so far. Although George does tend to break things into four books, the characters often over-lap in other volumes.

If 14 books isn't enough George Pelecanos for you, check out the HBO series, The Wire, where he shares writing duties with Dennis Lehane and Laura Lippman.

And Now the Darwin Award™ Contest Results:

1 vote: So, I got out the ShopVac™
~democommie™™™™®©

1 vote: Of course, that was throwing myself into another pit of snakes
~popin-in

Trust me, if you knew her
~Bukko in Australia

1 vote: In the immortal last words of all Darwin Award winners; "Hey, y'all! Watch this!"
~raindogzilla

1 vote: hitch hike speedboat rides on the upper Potomac River
~anne johnson

Good thing I had flip-flops on at the time
~Stu

Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!
2 votes: Didn't just slip off of the rope, oh, no. Didn't just fall on me bum.
~Anntichrist S. Coulter

really nice double-barrelled shotgun, which has the barrels exploded
~mutzali

1 vote: Rolling Rock and sleds do not go well together
~comsympinko

1 vote: So we decided to put a silver salute into the neck of one of those old 7 oz Coke™ bottles
~democommie™™™™®©

I came across a 6" diameter lodgepole whose roots were completely burned out
~MattYoung

And a late entry from: And lucky to be alive.
Mungen_Cakes

Thank you all for being brave enough, or desperate enough to tell everyone your extreme acts of stupidity. I knew you could! There are even more confessions back at the original column.

We have a clear winner in Anntichrist S. Coulter, everyone's a sap for someone who selflessly throws themselves into the Kitteh spay/neuter battles! And, although it's really a tough call, SeattleDan and I throw our votes at raindogzilla for embodying the spirit of the Darwin Awards™ so succinctly. MattYoung, you get honorable mention for doing exactly what I woulda done. Please contact Jackson Street Books for your Prize package! The rest of you knuckleheads who participated should contact us for your consolation prizes.

This Week's Contest!
I have five copies of 101 Things You Need to Know... and Some you Don't! for the first five people to go tell me a joke over at Jackson Street Books' spiffy new blogspot. Bonus points if it's of a literary nature. Keep it fairly clean please, we are a neighborhood bookstore!

We haven't caught sight of democommie™™™™®© since he mis-heard the assignment as "101 things you really DON'T want to know".
Just. Don't. Ask. Him.

Remember, there's always a Fine Independent Bookstore near you.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Crescent City Music

Let's pay tribute to the place where America's soul resides by dedicating a playlist to musicians associated with New Orleans. I'm going to start out with blues guitar prodigy Kenny Wayne Shephard, followed up by a little Neville Brothers, and finishing with Dr. John.

As always, we want to hear your contributions. The playlist is called New Orleans. You can add or search for songs here.

username: jcchristian
password: ourmusic


Mainessippi Sue on basic liberties




She supported Our Leader on the Patriot Act and FISA. I'm sure Our Leader supports her war against videotape. Francoblogger Christy has more.

Lest we forget our triumphs of days past, let's look back at one of my favorite skirmishes on freedom's battlefield.

The battle is joined

Heretical Frenchman are plotting to embarrass Our Leader by upstaging His fundraising event for Rep. Dave Reichert (R-Creepyville) with one for his opponent, Darcy Burner (a not-man). We can't let that happen We can't allow Burner to get a bigger bump from Our Leader's appearance than Reichert. We must defeat her fancy internets francotube fundraising machine by diverting part of this weeks caviar and champagne allowance to Rep. Reichart. I suspect there might even be a lucrative FEMA contract for the largest donors.

Don't wait. Contribute now. It would be a tremendous blow to Our Leader's ego if His appearances helped His enemies more than it helped His cronies.

Don't forget Burner's speech-crime against Our Leader:

We are at a very dangerous moment in the American experience. We are under attack by forces outside of this country: Terrorists who are focused entirely on killing Americans and destroying this country. And we are under attack from the inside, by an administration and a majority in Congress that would destroy those things that the American people have fought for and won over the last 215 years.

[...]

And at this point, they [our troops in Iraq] are sitting over there getting shot at because the Republican Congress and administration in Washington, DC cannot figure out what their plan is to give Iraq back to the Iraqis and bring our troops home, and that has got to stop.

or this, more recent, bit of treason:

The Virgin Mary doesn't rock and roll

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Surgical

Sometimes surgical means removing the gall bladders of everyone in your neighborhood. It has to be done, or soldiers will die.

Great Explanations

I don't know about you, but I'm buying them.

I did it because black people scared me --conservative Christian legislator and McCain Florida Co-Chair Bob Allen after being arrested for offering a detective $20 to allow him to put the officer's little policeman in his mouth.

I did it because lightening scared me--conservative Christian legislator and McCain Florida Co-Chair Bob Allen after being arrested again for offering a Titusville cop $20 to allow him to put the officer's little policeman in his mouth.

Someone broke into my house, and mimicking my voice, used my wife's cellphone to make the calls--GOP political consultant Roger Stone after being accused of making abusive and threatening calls to NY Governor Elliot Spitzer's father.

A maid stole pictures of me and my wife, descriptions of my thingy and my wife's woowoo, and our checkbook information to place the ads--GOP political consultant Roger Stone responding to charges that he and his wife placed ads in swingers magazines looking for "muscular, well hung, single men" to join them in their procreation-related activities.

President Bush's political appointee said soldiers would die if we didn't do it--Congressional Democrats on why they gave Inquisitor General Gonzales the power to wiretap without warrants or oversight.

Frank Zappa: Satan's Roadie

Kirk Cameron exposes Frank Zappa's unnatural love for Satan with this damning quote.

Frank Zappa declared:

"I'm the devil's advocate. We have our own worshippers who are called groupies. Girls will give their bodies to musicians as you would give asacrifice to a God."


Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Happy Blogiversary

Annti's blog is one year old (well, not until the 31st, actually, but I wanted to beat everyone to it.)

Bread and Circuses



James Woolsey
Family Security Matters
Booze Allen Hamilton

Phillip Atkinson
Family Security Matters

Dear Mr. Woolsey and Mr. Atkinson,

Thank you for all the good work you do at Family Security Matters alerting us to the dangers brown people pose to white America. One can only hope that American wakes up soon and embraces your ideas before it's too late. Or better yet, let's hope one American, Our Leader, George W. Bush, embraces the ideas Mr. Atkinson lays out in the article he wrote for Family Security Matters and "cop[ys] Julius Caesar by ordering his army to empty Iraq of Arabs and repopulate the country with Americans...and [then] use[s] his new found popularity with the military to wield military power to become the first permanent president of America," and finishes by "emulating Augustus Caesar and becoming ruler of the world."

Yes, I think that's about the sanest idea to come out of any of the many interlocking foundations you, Mr. Woolsey direct (along with the ubiquitous trio of Richard Perle, Bill Kristol, and Frank Gaffney), and as such, I hope you're doing your part to make it happen. Once Our Leader seizes power (perhaps following a mysterious fire at the US Capital), he's going to need something to keep the plebes in line. That's where you come in. As one of the top consultants at Booze Allen, you're in the perfect position to encourage the ownership class to invest heavily in bread and circuses.

Think of the possibilities. Blood sport is certainly going to make a big comeback, and your clients have an opportunity to get in on the ground floor (or the gladiator pit, to be more accurate). It's a goldmine just waiting for a sharp guy like you to discover.

But who shall the gladiators be? And who shall be fed to the lions once we've swept the Middle East of Arabs? Well, Mr. Atkinson, you have the answer yet again:

Mexico is now (circa 2000) colonising America and imposing its language and culture. Though the Americans still have the strength of understanding to recognise that the Hispanic invasion should be stopped, they are unable to take the measures required to achieve this end. The very least that must be done to halt the Hispanic invasion is the mass enslavement, or execution, of the invaders, which must be followed by an American invasion of Mexico to enforce American language and values upon the Mexicans.

So there's our answer. It's no wonder why Mr. Atkinson is so well respected in neoconservative circles.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Space Angels are Easy

Who says faith and science aren't compatable?

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

It's in Jesus' hands now

You may remember Dr. Wiley S. Drake. He's the Southern Baptist Conference vice president who asked God in imprecatory prayer to take the hair/teeth/life of a couple of secularist press contacts who had angered him. Dr. Drake and I have traded a number of emails since I wrote to him, asking him to use the power of imprecatory prayer to make Mitt Romney's hair and teeth fall out and to cause him to "shart" on Meet the press. I'm reprinting our exchange thus far, below.

Dr. Drake responds, clarifying his intent when he endorsed Mike Huckabee while using tax-exempt, church-owned, resources:

From: wileydrake@hotmail.com
To: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"
Sent: Saturday, August 18, 2007 1:44 PM
Subject: RE: Helping Gov. Huckabee

FYI

FIRST SOUTHERN BAPTIST CHURCH OF BUENA PARK
DR. WILEY S. DRAKE, PASTOR
6801 Western Avenue, Buena Park, CA 90621
Phone: (714) 522-7201 Fax: (714) 522-7202

2nd Vice President 2006/2007
SOUTHERN BAPTIST CONVENTION

August 16th, 2007

Re: Clarification of my personal endorsement of Mike Huckabee

On August 11th I issued the following statement, " After very serious prayer and consideration I announce today that I am going to personally endorse Mike Huckabee"

I would like to clear up any confusion by the following statement.........

"I was speaking only for myself, and even though my letterhead had "First Southern Baptist Church" and " The Southern Baptist Convention" and it was broadcast on the radio station "Crusade Radio", I was not speaking for either of these groups. I said in my statement, "I am going to personally endorse"

Any identification with First Southern Baptist Church, The Southern Baptist Convention, and Crusade Radio was simply my 1st Amendment right to free speech to identify who I am.

I also would like to offer to any political organization equal and/or free air time on my show, "The Wiley Drake Show".

I ask Dr. Drake for further guidance:

From: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"
To:
Subject: Re: Helping Gov. Huckabee
Date: Sat, 18 Aug 2007 14:27:43 -0700

Dear Dr. Drake,

Should we continue to pray, asking God to smite the testicles of Joe Conn and Jeremy Learing, yea, even unto causing their scrotal treasures to whither as the precious grape withers into a tiny raisin in the burning Negev sun?

heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Dr. Drake isn't very helpful:

From: wileydrake@hotmail.com
To: jcchristian@charter.net
Sent: Saturday, August 18, 2007 3:36 PM
Subject: Re: Helping Gov. Huckabee

Do what God tells you to do.

Still, I follow Dr. Drake's advice and discuss it with Jesus:

----- Original Message -----
From: Gen. JC Christian, patriot
To: wileydrake@hotmail.com
Sent: Saturday, August 18, 2007 4:47 PM
Subject: Re: Helping Gov. Huckabee

Dear Pastor Drake,

Thank you. He's telling me we need to continue to work the loins until the filthy secularists can't defend themselves anymore. Then POW, we knock them on their asses.

He also said something about the flesh of donkeys and the issue of horses, but I can't quite figure out what he meant [note to readers: could this be it].

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

After thinking about Dr. Drake's response for a day or so, I send a followup eamail:


From: Gen. JC Christian, patriot
To: wileydrake@hotmail.com
Sent: Sunday, August 19, 2007 1:43 PM
Subject: Re: Helping Gov. Huckabee

Dear Dr. Drake

I've been thinking about your answer for the last 24 hours or so, and I have to say, I'm very disappointed. It looks like you let these secularists bend you over the hood of a candy apple red 1974 Dodge Charger and have their way with you. I mean, are they still our enemies or not? Shouldn't we continue asking the Lord to smite their teeth, hair, and testicles? Those are questions you should be able to answer if those secular bastards don't have you cowering behind your pulpit like a frightened little girl? Indeed, you answered both questions last week when you commanded us to enter into imprecatory prayer, but now you're trying to shift responsibility toward Jesus by telling me to ask Him if I should continue our spiritual assault on these godless men.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Having not received a response to my last two emails, I decide to chat with Jesus again and ask Him what to do. Jesus comes through for me yet again with the best advice a Redeemer, Lord, and Savior can give.

I think it's only right that I tell Pastor Drake what Jesus told me, so I'll send the following email to him after I finish this post.

Dear Dr. Drake,

My disappointment with you grows daily. Not only did you offer yourself up to be the secularists' punk and try to shift responsibility to Jesus for declaring jihadrusade against them, now I find that you are even too cowardly to respond to my emails anymore.

I was going to let it drop, but I decided to ask the Lord for guidance one more time before I did so. He came to me in a dream last night and instructed me what I should do next. I know it was Him speaking to me in the dream because it was unlike the strange, undecipherable dream I have every night--the one where I'm dining with the singer, Prince, and he's stuffing a huge kielbasa into my mouth as a quintet of otters sing the Village People hit, YMCA. This dream was different.

I dreamt that I was living in the times before the Great Flood. It looked a lot like the Flintstones, actually, with Methuselah and Enoch and the rest using domesticated dinosaurs to mow their lawns and wash their dishes. Then suddenly you appeared and began removing the dinosaurs. Once they were gone, you started replacing the people with godless, filthy, socialist, secular-humanist austropithecines.

Obviously, Jesus was trying to tell me that, indeed, the secularists had made you their punk, and that now you're willingly doing the bidding.

The dream shifted gears at that point and suddenly I was faced with a huge bag of sorts. It was wrinkly, very narrow at the top, and very large at the bottom where it appeared to hold two enormous watermelon-shaped objects. The objects looked very heavy, their combined weight stretching the bag to a great length and stressing the wrinkles into a vertical orientation. Upon further investigation, I also noticed a number of long gray hairs emanating from the caucasian-colored bag walls.

Then it struck me. I was standing before an old white guy's crotchal danglings. But these weren't just any old white guy's scrotal treasures. They were certainly yours, because God has no reason to show me John McCain's. I didn't ask Him about McCain or anyone else.

Suddenly, at the moment i achieved understanding, the great watermelons began to shrink until they was nothing there to pull the great scrotum down. Relieved of the weight, it returned to its normal shape, making a rather painful sounding snapping sound.

The meaning, again, was obvious. Our Lord was commanding me to go to the people and ask them to pray an imprecatory prayer against you. And that is what I'll do.

Here's the prayer I'll use:

Our Father who art in heaven,

Dr. Drake hath dishonored you. He hath abandoned you after secularists laid hands upon him an madeth him their punk. He passeth responsibilty for his actions to thine Son. He hath forsaken you.

Oh Lord, we ask you to take Dr. Drake's hair, and, verily, his teeth as well. And Lord, we ask you to taketh hold of his manhood, yea, even upon his scrotal treasures, and taketh his sweet grapes and expose them to the Negev sun, so that they may become shriveled like raisins yet too bitter to serve as a substitute for candy, yeah even as bitter as the craisin of the cranberry.

And Lord, please bless Chris Masters so that he may leave the ring in triumph when he battles The Great Khali for the World Wrestling Federation heavyweight belt.

I ask these things in the name of Our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Amen.


I really hate to do this, but you've brought it all onto yourself. It's between you and Jesus now.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Kickin' it with the homies



A helmet tip to BlatherWatch.

Monday, August 20, 2007

A gift from God

George Allen
Candidate for Governor (presumed)
Commonwealth of Virginia

Dear Gov. Allen,

I like the cut of your jib, Governor. No one would have faulted you for taking a few years off from politics after losing your Senate seat. It was a tough race, and perhaps you could have used some time off to unwind by immersing yourself in your greatest passions, intimidating women and harassing black people.

But, you're not like that. You don't scamper away when you get bucked off; you jump right back on, just like you're doing now as you prepare for a gubernatorial run.

And by God, do you do it with style! Who'd have guessed that a guy who lost his senate seat because he's a racist would be giving campaign speeches at Jimmy the Greek's Restaurant less than nine-months later. That has to be about the biggest "fuck you" a politician could give his detractors (short of an Alberto Gonzales performance at a congressional hearing).

I can't find a transcript of your speech, but I'm sure you made the most of the appearance by echoing Jimmy the Greek's infamous opposition to blacks becoming coaches because "The slave owner would breed his big black with his big woman so that he would have a big black kid. That’s where it all started… [If blacks] take over coaching jobs like everybody wants them to, there’s not going to be anything left for the white people."

I think it's a smart move to embrace your greatest weakness and turn it into a strength, and I hope you'll continue to run a campaign based on traditional confederate values. Have you considered making a return to segregation a central issue in your campaign?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: George Allen is a blogger.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Jose Padilla and Our Civil Liberties

I just read remarks by the psychiatrist who spent 22 hours interviewing Jose Padilla in preparation for his recently ended trial and conviction. The thing I found most disturbing was this: She reported that Mr. Padilla still maintained that if he could just let the Commander in Chief know what had been happening to him that the CIC would understand and get him out of there.

While most people tend to dismiss this as the ravings of an insane person or at the very least, delusional, I found this to be the most heartrending part of the entire interview with its details of sensory deprivation, Stockholm syndrome, methodical brainwashing tactics and finally due to his long period of confinement under these conditions, what the psychiatrist described as actual, organic brain damage caused by the actions of our government.

Mr. Padilla is a US Citizen, and regardless of his past, he still believes in the basic fairness of the OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT, and that if his situation could be heard, fairness would release him from this captivity. Even in the face of the treatment he has been subjected to, he still believes in the fairness of our institutions including the executive branch - and the occupant thereof.

We must not forget, although all the rest of us have been listening and been inundated with the daily list of scandals, cover-ups, whopping mistakes, lies, obfuscations, deceptions, manipulations, gaffes, spin and distortions coming out of this executive branch by and on behalf of George Bush and Dick Cheney, Mr. Padilla is probably been one of the few adults on the planet who knows nothing of all of this. Mr. Padilla has been kept in solitary confinement - absolutely no contact with the outside world - since he was arrested. He has not seen a TV, heard a radio, read a newspaper or book, or been able to talk with anyone other than his jailors and tormenters.

So the part that almost makes me cry is that this man, who has been treated so abominably, still believes in the integrity of the Office of the President. And that the person sitting in the White House MUST be a person of fairness and justice, and that somehow he must not know what is happening to Mr. Padilla because surely if he did, it would not continue to happen.

This is the most powerful commentary on the state of our Union and our Constitution today - that we, all of us, and George Bush in particular, believe that it is okay to treat anyone this way. Our country was founded on ideals of striving towards perfect justice (a high benchmark we have yet to achieve) and a country that has never espoused or condoned torture from our Revolutionary War on - until now.

Mr. Padilla will no doubt spend another long period in sensory deprivation (if you don't believe this look at the most recent photographs of him at the courthouse in Miami - he is transported to and from the courthouse in earmuffs and goggles - and no one seems to think this is untoward) until all his appeals are heard. At that point, if he is to be confined to any one of our civilian prisons, in his current poor mental health state, he is at very high risk among the inmates and I fear for his life. Of course that may be the intent of the "government" now - just have him killed in prison 'accidentally' and all this will just go away.

WE THE PEOPLE must pay attention. Mr. Padilla IS A CITIZEN of this country, like it or not. And if he can be treated this way, so can each and every one of us. It is not enough just to shake our heads, wring our hands and think too bad for him but that won't happen to me. No??? Well, the White House spin on this conviction started moments after the verdict and they are claiming it as a "vindication” of Bush's unrestrained and unaccountable powers to name ANYONE as an unlawful enemy combatant (including US Citizens), hold those persons without charge (writ of habeas corpus - remember that?), make a new law to fit what the person has allegedly done, and then - far after the fact - charge, try and convict them on something that was not a crime at the time they did it. Ah yes, those pesky details.

It can happen to you. To me. To anyone. We need to start talking about these issues to our friends, neighbors, family, co-workers, church groups, anyone. Write letters to the editor – join a blog – start a group. Sign petitions, call/write/drop in on your Congressional delegations either in Washington or in your local districts. When they come home on breaks - make a point to go see them. Tell them this is unacceptable. Do something! It doesn't matter what party you are from - this is not a Republican or Democratic issue - this is a Citizens of the United States of America issue. WE THE PEOPLE need to take back our government - otherwise we have become what we claim to be so afraid of.

Thank you to The General for his gracious invitation to post here.


Rove family heirlooms

I pray that the late Louie Rove's cock ring is returned to the family. I'm sure it would inspire Karl to push his own personal crusade against homosexualislamunistofacism to a level of hatred we haven't seen in almost seventy years.

Sunday Morning Prayer

Dear Lord,

Our little ones will head off to school in the morning with brand new book bags, crayons, pencils, and tablets. The lucky ones will be going to a private school where they will be taught by God-fearing, America-Loving educators who believe that a child’s mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Sadly, the children from lower-income homes will be herded off to that den of iniquity known as the Public School System. There they will be taught awful things that no innocent little child should ever hear such as how their great-great-great-great grandparents were primates, that it’s OK to be Gay, that condoms and not abstinence prevent pregnancy, and that our Commander in Chief, President George Walker Bush, is a buffoon with a personal agenda.

These poor babies will be at the mercy of Godless, pot-smoking, hippy feminists and Liberals who, under the guise of teaching, will stop at nothing to brainwash them into hating morality and learning free thinking. Please send these children one message, that an open mind is a tool of Satan.

If it is your will, Papa Lord, close these babies minds to the left-wing lunacy that they will be exposed to and let this next generation our Your children grow up to be Right-Wing Christian Fundamentalists and staunch Republicans.

In this I pray, Amen.


Mrs. T.D. Gaines-Crockett
Christian, Republican, Child Advocate

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Dancing Liberally

Join us at Cafe Wellstone in Second Life for another edition of Dancing Liberally. The festivities begin at 6pm SLT/PDT. Dick! Cheney will be tending bar and DJ Rocky the Yak Rancher will be spinning the bytes.

Department of Book Reports 29: A Small Death in Lisbon



Robert Wilson’s A Small Death in Lisbon (Berkley $7.99) has long been a favorite recommendation of Pacific Northwest Booksellers for sometime now. Somehow I have put off reading it until now, and I’m sorry I’ve waited so long. It is a superb thriller, and, to use the oft’ used cliché, a page-turner.

Wilson deftly interweaves two narratives. In the first, Ze Coelho, a Homicide Inspector, narrates his own 1998 investigation of the murder of the young and promiscuous daughter of a prominent Portuguese attorney. In the second, and told by an omniscient narrator, the German businessman, Klaus Felsen, is impressed into the SS in 1941 and assigned to go to Portugal in order to obtain as much wolfram, a metal used to make armor-penetrating weaponry, as possible. Although we know that the stories must intersect at some point, we really don’t know how until we are much closer to the novel’s climax. But Wilson leaves subtle clues and guessing is much of the fun.

All the moral complexities of the great thrillers are present. The connections between Nazi Germany and Fascist Portugal are explored. Felsen is slowly, yet inexorably, driven to acts of savagery. Coelho, having grown up during the fascist Salazar regime, has to deal with the many changes Portugal has undergone since 1974. Duplicity and betrayal are constant themes. And ultimately, it seems that history is no more than a series of acts of vengeance.

Though in the end, the loose ends are tied, we are aware that life is not simple; that even if we think we know all the answers, we probably don’t; and to paraphrase Hamlet, “The rest is madness”.
~SeattleDan

And Now, our big announcement: Jackson Street Books has a blogspot! We will be using this as our primary website so drop on by and say Hi! sometime.
As always, Jackson Street Books would love to mail you a copy of A Small Death in Lisbon, and it is available at Fine Independent Bookstores everywhere.





We can't decide! Help us by doing your patriotic duty and VOTE for your Favorite Darwin Award™ Failure in the comments. You can view the full entries here. Here are the candidates:

So, I got out the ShopVac™
~democommie™™™™®©

Of course, that was throwing myself into another pit of snakes
~popin-in

Trust me, if you knew her
~Bukko in Australia

In the immortal last words of all Darwin Award winners; "Hey, y'all! Watch this!"
~raindogzilla

hitch hike speedboat rides on the upper Potomac River
~anne johnson

Good thing I had flip-flops on at the time
~Stu

Didn't just slip off of the rope, oh, no. Didn't just fall on me bum.
~Anntichrist S. Coulter

really nice double-barrelled shotgun, which has the barrels exploded
~mutzali

Rolling Rock and sleds do not go well together
~comsympinko

So we decided to put a silver salute into the neck of one of those old 7 oz Coke™ bottles
~democommie™™™™®©

I came across a 6" diameter lodgepole whose roots were completely burned out
~MattYoung

And a late entry from: And lucky to be alive.
Mungen_Cakes

Tell us here in the comments who should win
Grand Prize:
The Darwin Awards™ DVD plus Darwin Awards™ T-shirt and movie poster!

Second Place:
The Darwin Awards™ DVD and movie poster!

Consolation Prizes to all non-winning entrants: Contact Jackson Street Books for your grab bag of other publisher swag!



P.S. Is anyone else going to Hempfest? I'll be there, spying on the dirty hippies and wearing the colors.~SeattleTammy!

Friday, August 17, 2007

Bill O'Reilly Identifies the Enemy

Media Matters

Dear Media Matters,

After completing hundreds of hours of research by watching The O'Reilly Factor, I've identified America's enemy. It's a Kos reading, eight year old Sioux, Jewish, atheist, Mexican, anti-war, lesbian gangster, son of a World Trade center casualty who has shows on Air America and MSNBC and is using his position at Media Matters to take Christmas away from us.

Unfortunately, that's as far as I could narrow it down. We'll need your help to finally nail this dangerous perp. I'm enclosing an artists rendition of her. Please compare it to the various members of your staff. Once you have a match, convince the perp to sign a terrorist application. That'll give us an excuse to take her into custody, torture her into madness, and then try her in front of a jury composed of knuckledragging crackers.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


The Triumph of the Dobbs-Malkins



Lou Dobbs
CNN

Michelle Malkin
Our Lady of the Concentration Camps

Dear Mr. Dobbs and Mrs. Malkin,

Congratulations. Your message is finally getting through to people.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: the video has been removed. You may have seen a similar one a few days ago. It showed a guy took a potshot at a couple of border crossers. In the video I posted today, he hits one. Read about it at Orcinus.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Mainessippi Sue



Sen. Susan Collins
United States Senate

Dear Senator Collins,

I have no problem with your internet outreach director dismissively calling the blog Firedoglake a "femblog,' and thereby implying that not-men should concern themselves with being seen rather than heard. It doesn't surprise me either. I've always considered you to be a traditionalist when it comes to women's issues. I mean, heck, you've voted 100% in line with the Mississippi and Alabama delegations on judicial appointments--you can't get more traditional on women's issues than that.

It occurred to me that few people would raise a fuss if, say, Trent Lott's or Thad Cochran's internet outreach director said the same thing. I doubt anyone would even notice, because we all assume that their operatives are supposed to say such things. It's different for you though, because the "moderate" label you so proudly wear confuses people. When they think "moderate Republican" images of people like Nelson Rockefeller, Lowell Weicker , and Gerry Ford--all of the folks we ran out of the party years ago--spring to mind. They don't understand that being a moderate means something very different today.

Today's "moderates" unconditionally support wars of aggression like Iraq (we call them pre-emptive wars in polite company). They think a willingness to commit acts of torture or to imprison people without due process is virtuous. And they vote to stack the judicial deck to ensure that uteri become the property of men and that the commons are given to the highest bidder. Indeed, people like Trent Lott and Thad Cochran are today's "moderates."

You need to educate your constituents about what it means to be a modern moderate, so they're no longer surprised when your campaign engages in a little misogyny to undercut your enemies. I've developed an ad campaign to help you do just that. I call it: "Sen. Susan Collins: Our Mainessippi Moderate." I'm enclosing the first ad of the campaign in this email. I think it does a great job of repositioning the public's perception of the center to be more in line with how you actually vote.

I'd like to sit down with your campaign and discuss my ad campaign in more detail. I prefer to be compensated with Velveeta cheese and beef jerky. We can negotiate the amount when I meet with your staff.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and moderate kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Asking Jesus to kick some ass

Dr. Wiley S. Drake
Second Vice President, Southern Baptist Convention
Pastor, First Southern Baptist Church of Buena Park

Dear Dr. Drake,

Most pastors would panic upon learning that Americans United for the Separation of Church (AU) and State had filed an electioneering complaint with the IRS against them. Not you. You simply responded by coolly commanding your followers to call upon our Lord and Savior in imprecatory prayer, to cause AU press contact Joe Conn's teeth to fall out.

I understand that you support Mike Huckabee in his quest to be our next president. Indeed, it was your endorsement of Huckabee written on your church's letterhead that prompted AU to file it's complaint.

I also understand that you are an Ambassador for the Presidential Prayer Team, and as such, I assume you are employing the power of prayer to assist Huckabee. But have you considered how much more his campaign could be helped by imprecatory prayer. Imagine how voters would react to a hairless, toothless, boil infested Mitt Romney. And why stop there, why not ask God to make Mitt fart loudly and scratch himself during interviews. Heck, I can't wait to see Tim Russert squirm as he tries to explain that sharting live on Meet the Press is a savvy campaign move. How about you?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

No wonder he calls it "Hardball"

Chris Matthews
Hardball
MSNBC

Dear Mr. Matthews,

Your hormones have served us well over the years. They've driven your undisguised hatred for the unattainable Hillary Clinton and fueled your passion for any male Republican who possesses even the most minimal cologne application or crotchal enhancement skills. But now, your hormones are becoming a problem. People are starting to talk about your appreciation of prostitutes, on-air sexual harassment of female colleagues, and the way you salivate whenever you show footage of Romney, Thompson, or Giuliani--it's only a matter of time before video of you becoming visibly aroused at the mention of Sam Brownback's name pops up on YouTube or Crooks and Liars.

You are in danger of losing your credibility. We can't allow that to happen, not with an important election coming up. We need you out there shilling for the GOP.

I think we need to take a little of the edge off of your libido, just leaving you with barely enough to fuel your hatred of Hillary and interest in pleasantly-scented and flatteringly be-packaged GOP candidates. In short, we need to find a way for you to engage in procreational-related activities at least once, but no more than twice, a week.

It'll be tricky. It has to be discreet. Employing prostitutes is out--we can't risk a Vitter problem. It also has to be consensual, a condition that under normal circumstances might be impossible for you to achieve, but thankfully, our Lord Jesus provided us with an opportunity to make it a whole lot easier.

It came with yesterday's tragic announcement of Karl Rove's resignation. While it struck us all very hard, the details of the announcement--Mr. Rove will spend more time with his wife and child--must have been particularly difficult for two people to bear.

The first is lobbyist Karen Johnson, who is rumored to serve in the position of "Second Beard" in Mr. Rove's personal procreational-related activities division. She is probably displeased with her exclusion from the list of people with whom Mr. Rove wants to spend more time, and may be persuaded to fulfill your needs for a few brief moments every week.

Another possibility is Jeff Gannon. He was the second person who was overlooked in the announcement. If the stories of his special relationship with Mr. Rove are true, he may be looking for someone new to call "daddy." Lord knows he's up to satisfying you. After years of witnessing Mr. Rove's flabby flesh rippling and his belly and man-breasts bouncing to a frantic conjugal rhythm, the sound of which serving as a kind of Boschian counterpoint to Karl's calf-like bellows, I think Mr. Gannon's gag reflex must be virtually extinct by now. He'll have no problem servicing you.

I hope you'll give it your consideration.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Monday, August 13, 2007

Rockin' God's Kingdom with the Baldwin Boy

With great movies like Bio-Dome and The Prodigious Hickey, Stephen Baldwin has been a superstar in the secular world for many years. Now, he's becoming Jesus Christ's superstar by launching crusades against infidels in the Middle East, battling porn consumers, and promoting Christian rock bands. Today, let's focus on the latter, and take a look at what Pastor Baldwin has to offer:



Family Force Five is capturing the imaginations of young Christian kids every where with their hard-core white urban music and their love of the Gospel. Seeing the boys, Soul Glow, Phatty, Crouton, Nadaddy, and Chap Stique, work their magic is like watching a quintet of Jesi working miracles (that is if Jesus had a bad haircut and wore way too much eyeliner).



Family Force 5 traces it's musical influences to many sources. Most of these influences aren't much of a surprise. I think we'd all agree that Rage Against the Machine, Jesus, and Public Enemy have a lot in common, but how does Kraftwerk fit in?



Then there's Skillet, Christian Rock's biggest bad asses. Look upon them and tremble, sinners.



And when it comes to partying, nobody parties harder than Skillet. Reading their blog is like going on a sightseeing tour of a Christian Sodom and Gomorrah.

Friday, August 10, 2007:

Hey all,
Just got back this morning from Kingdom Bound Festival 2007. What a good time that was!

[...]

I'm gonna go get some iced coffee. The decision between Starbucks and McDonalds. Surprisingly McDonalds has really good iced coffee. You would never guess it but I actually like it just as much as Starbucks'. I make it pretty good at home too. Randomness!

Friday, July 13, 2007:

This is Ben. We're at Lifest for the day. They offered free manicures, haircuts. and hand wax dips and we are not doing anything ALLLLLL day until 11:30 tonight when we play. This is why rock bands get into trouble. Boredum on the road! In case you wanted to know, manicures are overrated. mine was anyways... haircut was nice. wax dip was.... weird... my hand looked like a krispy kreme donut when i took it out.