Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "gen.jc.christian@gmail.com.")
Thanks!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

John McCain discusses Crisis

Thank you, General, for allowing me to use your electrical typing intertubes pamphlet machine for this big announcement.

A few years back, I saw a Matlock episode where the origin of the word "crisis" was mentioned. Apparently, if you look at the original Sanskrit character, you'll find that it's composed of two symbols, the Sanskrit characters for "photo" (cri) and "opportunity" (sis)*.

My reaction to crisis changed after learning that. I no longer responded by taking large amounts of money from savings and loan officials. I began doing photo-ops instead, instead.

You've seen seen me take this approach a couple of times recently. First there was the crisis with the hurricane. I responded by suspending the Republican National Convention so I could fly down to Texas or Mississippi or wherever the hell I was and get in a photo op before the rain started falling.

It was a great trip. Lieberman picked up a really neat electrical ping pong device for the tee vee while we were there. "Pong" he called it. It's incredible. I can't wait until it hists the stores. It's going to revolutionize the toy industry and probably be one of our biggest exports by the end of my first term.

OK, I got a little off track there, but that's ok. I never had a chance to get off track during the five and a half years I spent in Hanoi. My rat friend, Sheila, wouldn't allow it. She'd say to me, "Don't get off track, John, or I'll gnaw off your testicles when you go to sleep." Then she'd make me give her a tongue bath. I didn't mind, because she was my best friend. And she's still my best friend all these years later. I keep her in my wallet. She commands me to kill things and stuff.

So anyway, we were talking about my approach to handling crisis. You saw it again last week when I suspended my campaign to do an economic crisis photo op. The best part was going to a meeting at the White House. They have the best prune juice there. And they have those presidential M&Ms. I stuffed my pockets with them while Buehner and Obama were arguing about something--the economy I think. It was Sheila's idea to take the M&Ms. She says we deserve them. It's our turn to have presidential M&Ms.

Now, we face an even bigger crisis, the cratering of my campaign. I will address this crisis by suspending my campaign so I can spend more time doing photo ops in battleground states.

The suspension applies to my running mate, Sarah Palin, as well, but that does not mean we'll miss Thursday's vice presidential debate. We found a very engaging baby seal named "Binky" to sit in for her. We've spent a lot of time prepping Binky. We believe she'll be just as knowledgeable and articulate as Gov. Palin.

After the debate, Gov. Palin will demonstrate her Commander-in-Chief credentials by clubbing Binky. It was Shiela's idea. She says it'll be a great photo op.

*As far as I know, the Sanskrit word "sis," which, when translated, means "opportunity," is not related to the American term of endearment for one's sister; however, sis does mean both "sister" and "opportunity" in portions of Kentucky and West Virginia.

Monday, September 29, 2008

L' Shona Tovah

May we all see trials at the Hague this year.

They All Laughed



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Passionately Credulous Bigots for McCain Launch Attack Ad

A previously unknown pro-McCain group, Passionately Credulous Bigots for McCain, launched this vicious attack against Barack Obama today:


Elsewhere:
Passionately credulous bigots gas children.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

No Country For Grumpy Old Men



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No Free Lunch! Corporations & Banks Must Be Held Accountable


No Free Lunch! Corporations & Banks Must Be Held Accountable
Image © Austin Cline
Click for full-sized Image


Republicans make a lot of noise about holding people "accountable" for their actions, but the only people they seem to want to actually be accountable are the average people who live along Main Street. In contrast, all their rich donors who work or do business along Wall Street are insulated from accountability. This hypocrisy is directly related to the economic problems afflicting America today and is arguably responsible for incidents like the Enron crash and resulting impact as well as the current banking crisis.

There are, of course, a lot of difficult issues involved in the banking crisis and it's doubtful whether anyone fully understands what's going on, how it started, or how to fix it. However, we shouldn't let the complexities of the economic situation blind us to the fact that the real origins lie outside of economics and firmly in the realm of Republican power politics. Regardless of whether a clean economic fix to the economic problems can be found, a political fix to the political problems must be pursued.

But what sort of accountability can be imposed on America's corporate culture? I think that one of the primary targets should be corporate charters themselves. Corporations can act as fictional persons with a lot of the rights of real persons, yet they can "live" a lot longer and can amass a great deal more wealth and power. It's time to stop treating the corporation as though they have a right to exist in perpetuity — corporate charters are privileges, not rights, and they should only exist so long as it's in the public's interest that they do, which is to say only so long as they behave.

We have to remember that the purpose of corporate charters is to shield people from liability — but they are still supposed to have limited liability. When a corporation goes bankrupt, this doesn't necessarily mean that the people who manage are personally liable for all the corporations debts and this is reasonable. What's not reasonable is for managers to direct a corporation in ways that run counter the to well-being of the rest of society — often with shareholders cheering them on because such behavior can boost profits in the short term.

When corporations stop behaving and start acting contrary to the public's interests, the corporate charters should be revoked. Perhaps they can be allowed to submit a new application and charter within a short time period, but if they fail to do so or if it fails to impress regulators, the government should step in to dispose of the assets. Had Enron's charter been revoked instead of simply allowing it to go into bankruptcy, the assets could have been disposed of in a way that allowed the proceeds to flow to the bottom of the food chain first — all the people whose pensions were destroyed by Enron's unethical behavior.

The same can happen with investment banks that prove to have been behaving improperly. Instead of bailing them out, the government should step in and take control of firms that have been playing fast and loose with people's mortgages. Assets should be disposed of or managed in ways the benefit first and foremost the people whose mortgages are in trouble, not the bankers who have been misbehaving. What it all comes down to is what benefits the people and the public, not what benefits Wall Street, banks, bankers, or CEOs.

A bailout that props up misbehaving banks but allows those banks to keep foreclosing on mortgages is immoral. A bailout that keeps people in their homes while foreclosing on bad banks — even if just a few as examples — will be good for everyone in the long term. The people should have confidence that they won't lose their assets due to bankers' misdeeds; bankers should have confidence that their asses are on the line if they don't fly straight.

And the shareholders? Well, caveat emptor — if they won't hold corporate leaders accountable through their own power, they can't complain much about how much they lose when the corporation they have shares in is broken. The people who should have the most sympathy are innocent employees whose jobs will be interrupted or lost — at least until other firms step in and purchase control of the relevant assets — but the disposal of assets should occur with an eye towards ensuring their future as much as possible.

For too long, corporations have been getting a free lunch by having the status of persons, having assets protected from misdeeds of managers, and not being held fully and completely accountable for their behavior. Trickle-down econcomics has means that the people get pissed on while the wealthy are allowed to acquire ever more power, establishing a virtual corporate aristocracy in which the corporations are allowed to write their own laws and decide how the laws are enforced.

Aristocracies of the past were sometimes eliminated by putting the aristocrats up agaisnt the wall and shooting them, or even beheading them in the public square. We can't quite do that to a corporation, but revoking a few charters may be the next best thing. Corporations don't have numbers, guns, or any other base of power besides money, but even that sort of power can be checked with the right laws and strong standards of accountability. So whom do we make an example of first?



Sarah, you're the agnew in my heart

Saturday, September 27, 2008

On a clear day...

From the cheeseburger people:.

Department of Book Reports: In Appreciation


"When I finally caught up with Abraham Trahearne, he was drinking beer with an alcoholic bulldog named Fireball Roberts in a ramshackle joint just outside of Sonoma, California, drinking the heart right out of a fine spring afternoon."

James Crumley died this past week, one of my all-time favorite authors. David McCumber gave him a fine send off in the Seattle PI. I can't say I knew him well, or we were best buds, but I did get to meet him once. And I did get to go drink at Charlie's years ago.
The New York Times ran an obit this week also. I knew this day would be coming, but, Damn.

Crumley was an important American author. Look to any reference on Crime Fiction and you'll find his ardent fans. This is western Noir at it's finest. One to Count Cadence is still considered a seminal Viet Nam novel.

His mysteries revolved around C. W. Sughrue ("Sug" as in "sugar" and "Rue" as in "Rue the God Damned Day") and Milo Milodragovitch, and a motley crew of regulars who would wander in and out of the novels. Cocaine, booze, weed; check, all here, in abundance. But, quite like a Hopper painting that shows us this so plainly, you can relate, and really wish you were able to stumble down to that bar, grab a stool, and just sit there staring into the mirror over the barback. Listen in to that cranky old fart over on the end. He's got some really good stories. I could stay there all night.

When Mexican Tree Duck was published, I and many other fans would mutter behind our hands "not as good as Last Good Kiss, but ya gotta read it". Looking back today, sure, it could have been better edited, but I haven't seen anything come down the track the way this did:

"When the 3:12 through freight to Spokane hit the East Meriweather crossing, the engineer touched his horn and released a long, mournful wail into the wet, snowy air of our second early fall storm in Western Montana. It sounded a hell of a lot like the first note of a Hank Snow ballad."

Montana has an enviable amount of really good authors. That also is to James Crumley's credit. Most all of them will credit the writing class they took with Crumley for inspiring them to go on, to write, to produce astounding books that transcend place.

Penintent Liberal Lesbian has copies over at her day job, and I'm sure your local Fine Independent Bookstore would love to show you more!

Jackson Street Books Pre-Order your signed and personalized copy of Vex Streeter's Scripting Your World now, delivery in 2 weeks, or so.

Sarah Palin's Gay Friends

I believe Sister Sarah's claim to have had friends who were the gay, and I think it's unfortunate that she can't remember their names. That's why I'm thankful SLOG is helping her to find a new friend who is the gay.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Suspension Suspended


More here.

Who do you trust to work with the Israelites?

Sister Sarah Pain's witch fighting pastor:

The second area whereby God wants us, wants to penetrate in our society is in the economic area. The Bible says that the wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous. It's high time that we have top Christian businessmen, businesswomen, bankers, you know, who are men and women of integrity running the economics of our nations. That's what we are waiting for. That's part and parcel of transformation. If you look at the -- you know -- if you look at the Israelites, that's how they work. And that's how they are, even today.




or Obama supporter Sarah Silverman:


The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Pam Atlas Decries Charges of McCain Sexisim

Note: I've suspended posting to this blog, so I can work on fixing the economy

Yes Pam, the best way to defend Sen. McCain against charges of sexism is to call Campbell Brown a "SEX TOY to Saudi Masters" and a "Muslim whore that pimps for the jihad."

Sarah Palin vs The Economy

Note: I've suspended posting to this blog, so I can work on fixing the economy.

I'm proud to announce that, like Sen. John McCain, Gov. Sarah Palin has chosen Jesus'General as her platform for communicating in the patriotsphere.

Welcome, Gov. Palin. The keyboard is yours.

--Gen. JC Christian, patriot


Thank you, General.

I'm proud of the contribution I've made to the Palin-McCain campaign thus far. By stumbling over simple interview questions and posing for pictures with old foreign guys, I've demonstrated that I'm every bit as qualified to be President as George Bush was in 2000 (and continues to be, today).

Now it's time to open a new phase of this campaign. A phase where I will use my greatest strengths and take bold actions to solve our nations most pressing problems. By doing so, I will prove that I am more than ready to serve as your president the moment John McCain kicks returns to Jesus (let's just hope it's after the inauguration).

So, let us begin.

In the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ, and by the authority granted to me by my witch fighting pastor, I rebuke the economy for its treachery. In Yaweh's holy name, I command it to make our beloved mortgage trading industry whole and continue the $15,000/month stipend our faithful assistant, Rick Davis, receives from Freddie Mac; let him continue to influence our presumptive presidency along a path of adjustable rate righteousness.

Gabba gabba hey! Hokey pokey winky wong! Twiddly, widdly, wit, boom, boom!

Campbell Brown, thou art rebuked in all the sacred names of Elohim for refusing to submit to the political will of thine husband, Dan Senor. And in the name of Jesus, King of Kings, I also rebuke thee for thine sharp words concerning me. He shall surely smite thee with emerods, much like he smote the Philistines of Ashdod, Gath, and Bethshemesh.

Parley magoo gagoo gagong! Pompitous of Love! Handaree rangaree chingaree chong!

And in the name of Our Redeemer, Jesus of Nazareth, I rebuke Levi's man-fluids and Bristol's lady parts for causing me embarrassment at the greatest moment of my life. May the Lord, God of Israel, strike both of these wicked children with the same foul affliction Todd brought home after attending that snowmachine convention in Nome.

Awop bop a loobop, a lop-bam boo! Handaree rangaree chingaree chong! Rama lama ding dong!

Amen

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Wall Street Goes to Dinner



File this one under A Pail Out for a Bail Out...

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The CEO Toaster Compensation Plan

Sen. Mel Martinez (R-FL)
United State Senate

Dear Sen. Martinez,

Your statement about the difficulty of limiting CEO compensation in the Authorization To Use Financial Force (AUFF) is absolutely on target. I mean take another look at it. Who could argue with reasoning as tight as this:

While it is very appealing to think about executive compensation as being a part of this, one of the drawbacks to that is perhaps that we would have fewer entities participate in what is essentially a voluntary act.

It's a shame Our Leader couldn't articulate the problem as simply as you do. His spokesman tries to say the same thing but gets tied up by the fact that he doesn't really want to come straight out and say it:
You have to remember, these are not all weak or troubled firms that own mortgage-backed securities. A lot of them are very successful banks and investment houses that have done very well, have been responsible, are holding performing assets that have value. They were not necessarily irresponsible players, and so you have to be careful about how you deal with them.
I guess I can't blame him for trying to finesse it. After all, it's hard to claim this is an emergency if healthy companies will be getting the money too.

And God knows, CEOs deserve the millions of dollars they earn in bonuses as their companies sink into bankruptcy. McCain economics advisor Carly Fiorina will certainly vouch for that. Her $45 million golden parachute allows her to campaign for the Senator full time while HP picks up the pieces of her ruinous leadership.

But, the average American isn't please with the idea of giving companies billions of dollars to "bail them out" while the CEO's are taking tens of millions of dollars in bonuses. They aren't going to go for it.

And it's not going to be easy to find a way to entice healthy bankers to take our handout while forgoing their golden parachutes, but that's what we're going to need to do if we want to get the AUFF passed.

I think the solution is toasters. Remember back when banks would give out toasters as an incentive to get new depositors? We should offer the same to Wall Street CEOs: "Accept our cash and we'll give you a toaster."

But they'll have to be good toasters, not the simple two-slicers you'll find in the average American home. CEOs will want something better. We should consider turning to Halliburton or some other proven friend to build it. I'm sure they could come up with a great toaster, one that'll toast 4 pieces of bread or 6 Toaster Strudels at a time. And I bet they could do it for under $150,000 per unit.

Heterosexually yours, 

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The Griftkado

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Act IV, Scene V: the Lord High Monetary Chancellor, having asked the assembled for seven hundred and fifty billion dollars of the people's money to save the day for a very select few, faces the Monkeys of the High Court in a mock hearing, meant to buy time while a more clever plan is hatched off-stage.


Lord High Monetary Chancellor

It seems there’s been a huff and puff
About the way I strut my stuff
And just so everything is clear
I’ve come to answer questions dear

1st Monkey of the High Court

Your grace, your lord, high governor
The people are a bit perturbed
They say you want to take their gold
And give it to your friends of old

Lord High Monetary Chancellor

What is the question? Ask it, sir
Refute it not, I can concur
If you aren’t absolutely clear:
Just what is your question here?

1st Monkey of the High Court

Forgive me Lord, I practice tact
And sometimes I occlude the facts
But did I get it from you right
You want the cash sans oversight?

All Monkeys of the High Court

You want the cash sans oversight?
Are we just monkeys in the night?
You want it all, and in a flash?
Sans oversight you’d take the cash?

Lord High Monetary Chancellor

Oh, please, you focus on minutia
Those silly facts will soon seduce ‘ya
I know the truth is very sumptuous
But oversight is most presumptuous

2nd Monkey of the High Court

Dear Lord, please help us understand
You want the largest helping hand
For those who got us in this mess
To bail them out is large largesse

Lord High Monetary Chancellor & All Monkeys of the High Court

The economy must now be saved
For those of us who dug the grave
For lobbyists who feed on meat
For men in suits who cruise Wall Street
The tide that rises lifts all boats
Can you believe the shit that floats?
We must assuage the dragon in its lair
For this we sacrifice taxpayers!

3rd Monkey of the High Court

If it please your majesty
How shall I face my constituency?
Will they get a fair return?
Or will they once again be burned?

Lord High Monetary Chancellor

The taxpayers are a noble race
And we exist at their good grace
We, in sackcloth and ashes, hat in hand
Must make them all to understand
The need for cash is quite acute
It puts the gold in golden parachutes
So face the voters and stall with brio
While the rest of us fly down to Rio

ALL

The economy must now be saved
For those of us who dug the grave
For lobbyists who feed on meat
For men in suits who cruise Wall Street
The tide that rises lifts all boats
Can you believe the shit that floats?
We must assuage the dragon in its lair
For this we sacrifice taxpayers!


(All exeunt.)

End of Act IV

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Jesus is a Friend of Mine


via SLOG

Colonel Reb could learn a thing or two from Sarah Palin or Why is Rusty Shackleford so Angry

Brian Ferguson
Colonel Reb Foundation
University of Mississippi

Dear Mr. Ferguson;

I was very sad to hear that Colonel Reb has been retired as Ole Miss's mascot. It's particularly tragic now that Sarah Palin is so close to boarding the Natural Causes Express to the presidency. She embodies the very values Colonel Reb embodied--secessionism, treason, white supremacy, and passionate credulity. It's ironic that these cherished heartland values are suddenly now in vogue so soon after Colonel Reb's Appomattox. 

One would think your organization could benefit from this return to traditional confederate values. You just need a compelling story to tell. Fortunately, you already have that story. It's found in the history section of your website. It's the tale of your first mascot, a blind black man you call "Blind Jim." It has everything you need: a black man, the son of slaves, who was brought into the Ole Miss family as a "mascot," or kind of pet, and allowed to sell peanuts forty years before the first black student was forced on the university by outside agitators in the federal government.

Best of all, as noted in the article, Colonel Reb is the "spitting image of Blind Jim Ivy, except for white skin." It's a great way to dodge the racism charges. It's like noting that although you are closely tied to the militia movement, attend a witch-hunting dominionist church, and meet with and do videos for the Alaska Independence Party, you're not really a whacked out White Christian Supremacist.

So there's your story. Now you have to push it. You should consider getting Rusty Shackleford's help with that. Considering all the rage and energy he put into this post at the Jawa Report, he's obviously a Sam Graves conservative--that is he's "backed-up," angry as hell, and has way too much time on his hands.

I'd be glad to contact Rusty for you. Just let me know.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The McCain Economic Plan


McCain's Economic Plan For Nation: "Everyone Marry A Beer Heiress"

Monday, September 22, 2008

My Inner Frenchman Called

My Inner Frenchman called his senators and congressman about the "Authorization for Use of Financial Force" and made three seditious points:
  • No blank check - there needs to be oversight.
  • The bill must help people with their mortgages (trickle up economics).
  • It should be paid for with a tax surcharge on incomes of the wealthiest taxpayers.
Here are the phone numbers for your senators and representatives.

Update: Link to phone numbers fixed.

Torturing the Gay Away

President Thomas S. Monson
Prophet, Seer, and Revelator
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Dear President Monson,

I wrote your predecessor, President Hinckley, awhile back after the Church refused to join gentile churches in opposing torture. In that note, I applauded our beloved Prophet for refusing to sign onto a letter backing anti-torture provisions in the 2006 Defense Budget. I thought his response was perfect when he made it clear to the flock that "The church has not taken a position on any proposed legislative or administrative actions regarding torture."

Now, people are asking me why the Church is politically active in measures to deny marriage equality The Gay. Pointing to the Church's decision to be an official sponsor of ProtectMarriage, the people behind Measure 8 in California and the huge amounts of money Mormons have poured into Arizona's Prop. 102, they wonder why the Church can be so against love and so ambivalent about torture.

I'm worried we may be seeing the beginnings of a huge public relations problem. We need to get out there now with our story and put all of this into its proper context. We must tell the public there is no hypocracy here, and that our hatred of The Gay and our love for torture are indeed all part of the same issue: supporting traditional forms of marraige.

It's time to begin trumpeting our success in using forms of torture to turn The Gay into good, God-fearing, heterosexual elders and sisters of the Church. Yes, I'm talking about the aversion therapy experiments conducted at BYU in the Seventies (and perhaps into the Nineties).

We could begin by publicizing the stories of those who participated. As you can see, they are very compelling:

They explained to me that they would place a heparin lock in my wrist and hook an I.V. up to that, and I would be put in a room alone with a phlethesmograph on my penis that would measure my physical arousal so that when I got an erection they would know. Then they started showing me gay pornography. I don't remember if there were films or not, but I do remember stills. I was supposed to go through a stack of photos of nude men and come up with men that I thought were attractive.

No, I was 15! I was only 15 years old. I mean I'd seen like a Playboy before, but I'd never seen sex before at all. They were going to show me this gay pornography and using the I.V. they would inject a drug into me during the gay pornography to make me start vomiting. Then they would switch the pornography over to heterosexual sex and inject a euphoric drug into me to get me to associate euphoria with heterosexuality. I look back on that and think that I would have taken the electric-shock therapy had I known about it since I'm extremely phobic around vomiting.

[...]

Alot of times BYU security would catch people in compromising positions on campus. Those people would have the choice to either be kicked out of school and have their families notified about what they had done or they could go through this therapy. We had quite a few people who were going through it. There were others in the therapy who felt so much guilt for being the way they were or they had been promised that if they underwent the therapy they would be able to marry and have children and they would be turned. Of course they had to have the desire to change, and if the therapy failed which it always did, it was their fault for the failure since they didn't have enough desire.

Anyway, they would come in usually three times a week. I would be behind a glass one-way mirror, and they would be on the other side of it. They had their choice to look at pornographic magazines or watch porno videos. We would tape electrodes to their groin, thigh, chest and armpits. We had another machine that would monitor their breathing and heart rate. If there was a difference in their heart rate when looking at homosexual pornography, we would turn a dial which would send a current to shock them. If they were a new patient, we would use a very low current. From the reaction that I saw there were muscle spasms which looked very painful.

After that was over, we would switch the pornography over so that it was a man and a woman having sex, and we would play very soothing music in the background to try and get the mind to relate to that. For the people that had been doing the therapy longer we turned the voltage way up so that you could see burn marks on the skin and quite often they would also throw up during the therapy.
Here's another account:
Um, hm. And the program was called aversion therapy.

And what did they do in this program of aversion therapy?

He had me go into Salt Lake City and go to an adult bookstore and find pornography that I found erotic, or whatever. And then I had to bring it back to him and he ... . I don't know if it was a BYU photo lab or what, but [the pornography] was turned into slides and then they would put electrodes first on my hands–and I have burns.

You have burns on your hands? Oh, I see those burns.

That's from those. And then they're on my arm and my torso. At first.

What year was this, Jayce? Give me a time frame.

It was '94, the last five, six months of 1994.

[long pause] At first we didn't use the slides or any visual type of stimulation. He just told me to fantasize. And as I was trying to fantasize or whatever, trying to do what he wanted me to do, randomly they would send shocks. And that happened for, like, the first three weeks. And that was about six sessions. And then the slides were ready.

OK, let me see if I understand this. You were told to fantasize male-male eroticism?

Uh, huh.

And then they would send random shocks into your body which caused these scars on your body and on your hands?

Um, hm.

OK. And then what?

[long pause] Then there would be slides. [long pause] There were more electrodes this time and they were on ... . [pause] This is kind of embarrassing. [pause] I mean, they were all ... . I was in a position where they could tell if I was being aroused or not. It was very obvious. And then if there was any kind of arousal whatsoever I would be shocked. And then that happened for about two months.

OK. I'm gonna to ask you a really personal question. Did they also have an electrode on your penis?

Um, hm.

And is there scar tissue there?

Uh, huh. [long pause]

That happened for at least eight sessions. Probably actually about sixteen because it was two months that we did just that form. And then the electrodes were all [in] the same places, but then I had the control that when I was being shocked I could press this plunger or button or whatever and a picture of a woman would come up and the electrodes would stop.

OK. Now, this took place on BYU property?

Um, hm.

OK. Where at? Do you know?

It's the Smith Family Living Center. It was in the basement.

In the basement?

Um, hm.

At BYU?

Um, hm.

The last two months, that's what we would do. And that was only once a week. And then one day I was driving to Provo and I just couldn't get off the exit. I couldn't do it anymore. And so I just turned around and went back to Ogden and told my bishop that I was fine, that I was OK and he said, "If there's anything left, your mission will fix that." And so I left for my mission ... .
Telling these stories serves two purposes. First, it sends a message that being The Gay is so terrible, the Church is willing to scorch a man's little soldier in order to stop it. And second, Jesus wants us to torture people sometimes, so get with the program.

Hey, maybe torture would be useful for missionary work too. Have you considered it? It seemed to work well for the Catholics in Spain.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: My inner Frenchman followed through on this vow and officially became an apostate.



Spiders on drugs

Sunday, September 21, 2008

We Gambled. You Pay.



Of course, there are some who think the wealthy do not deserve to take our piece of the American Dream:

...first thing on Monday morning, [everyone] needs to call their Representatives and Senators and say: No. Blank. Checks. For. Crooks.

Be as polite as you can be and don't use bad words. Personally, this injunction may limit the duration of my calls to under a thirtieth of a second, or shorter.

Congressional phone numbers.

Update: Scarecrow has more:
The most important condition to put on any bailout proposal is to impose a tax surcharge on the incomes of the wealthiest Americans to pay the bailout's cost.
And just go read Avedon.

Two Years Have Passed and Not a Thing Has Changed

The coincidental confluence of two entirely separate events has inspired a rather unusual sermon today. First is the release of results from a rather disturbing poll: 57% of white evangelicals say that the use of torture is "sometimes" or "often" justified. The "good news" here is supposed to be the fact that this drops all the way to 43% when evangelicals are reminded of the "Golden Rule." In other words, when forced to think about themselves being tortured instead of faceless foreigners, a small majority of white evangelicals are able to be selfish enough to oppose torture. That's the good news!

I've already written about this poll in more depth on my own site, so let's move on to the second item: this is just about my second anniversary posting sermons here! Yes, that's right, I've been posting here just shy of two years — and over 90 sermons are available here, now. I was looking back over the list of sermons with thoughts about creating an index of them and I took a closer look at the first ones I posted. My first thought was "Wow, I posted two a day to begin with? I don't even remember it — that sure didn't last long."

My second, third, and following thoughts were fairly unprintable...because in light of the first item above, they are as relevant now as they were then: not a damned thing has changed. I could publish those images and that text today without any of it seeming dated — in fact, that's precisely what I'm going to do. It might seem like "cheating" to simply republish something old, but given the confluence of events here I think it's appropriate. Also, I rather hope that the number of readers has grown at least a little bit over the past two years so these old images will be new to them.

I'm only reproducing the small versions here and clicking on them won't open up the large versions like they usually do. Instead, clicking on the images or the titles will take you back to the original sermons published two years ago. Once there, you can open up the large images by clicking on the small images included in the original sermons. I hope you find them as provocative, disturbing, and even upsetting as they were originally. If they don't bother you, then you simply aren't paying close enough attention.

 


Modern Crucifixion: American Empire and the War on Terror
Image © Austin Cline
Original Poster: Wikipedia
Click for full-sized Image

Modern Crucifixion: American Empire and the War on Terror


 



 

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Department of Book Reports: Some Random Notes


SeattleTammy and I are still in the midst and in the throes of house projects, and neither of us have finished the books we have been reading. Still, there a few thing we would like to remind you fine readers about.

First, ST reported last week on friend Vex Streeter's new book on Second Life. Vex will be appearing at our virtual Second Life Jackson Street Books at 1:00 pm today, Saturday the 20th. He will talk about his book and answer your questions.

Some timely political books are now hitting the shelves. John R. Talbott affords a look at what we might expect from an Obama Presidency in his Obamanomics: How Bottom-Up Economic Prosperity Will Replace Trickle-Down Economics (Seven Stories $16.95). And just how is that trickle-down theory working out for you guys this week? Or ever?

Robert Kuttner's Obama's Challenge:America's Economic Crisis and the Power of a Transformative Presidency (Chelsea Green $14.95) is drawing rave reviews from Fox News personalities. Kuttner argues that Obama, if elected, has a chance to transform our country in ways paved by FDR or Lincoln.

Two books that I mentioned that I am anxious to read are now available. Dennis Lehane's post WW1 historical saga, The Given Day (William Morrow and Company $27.95), will be out on Tuesday, September 23rd. Do yourself a favor and read Lehane. Paul Auster's Man in the Dark (Henry Holt $23.00) is out. It deals with an insomniac 72 year old mind who imagines a different kind of world than we live in now, where America is at war with itself, and Al Gore is just concluding his second term.

Finally I want to note the sad passing of David Foster Wallace, who's Infinite Jest (Back Bay $17.99) has been compared to Ulysses and Gravity's Rainbow. Peter Sagal, host of NPR's Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me, has a fine appreciation of Wallace at his blog.

These books are available at your local Fine Independent Bookstore, and soon, once projects are complete, at Jackson Street Books.

Saturday Sermon

Friday, September 19, 2008

Bill O'Reilly's House of Flying Falafels Ad Campaign Unveiled



Had.to.be.there.

++++

McCain in Spain

Thanks, General, for once again allowing me to dictate my message to Joe Lieberman so he can type it into your electric typing intertubes pamphlet machine.

You all heard how I was treated yesterday. My enemies were relentless in their mockery. They acted as if they've never forgotten something as trivial as Spain's location. But it will backfire on them. I know it will, because we've all forgotten something, haven't we.

Who among you hasn't become disoriented and confused and forgotten where you live as you've walked down the driveway of one of your houses to pick up a newspaper. Then your Secret Service guy comes up and tries to help you, but you think he's Viet Cong so you kick him in the balls as hard as you can.

It's embarrassing, yes, but dammit, it happens to us all. You just have to get past it. You have to go back down that driveway again and concentrate as hard as you can so you don't forget that you're standing in front of one of your own houses.

And that's what I doing here, today. I'm going back down yesterday's driveway and getting it right this time.

My Friends, I know where Spain is located, and I understand its strategic importance as one of our NATO allies. But sometimes being an ally isn't enough. You have to be with us all the way in all things, and unfortunately, Spain's president, Antonio Banderas, hasn't been very supportive of our national security goals. That became clear to me when I bumped into him last week while visiting the Spanish city of Albuquerque.

We talked for awhile and eventually, I said, "Pedro, I'm going to need your help once I'm elected President. As you know, Pakistan has become a safe haven for the terrorists operating in Afghanistan. I'm going to want to launch cross-border operations from Spain into Pakistan's Western provinces. Can you help me with that?"

He didn't respond for quite awhile. I suspected that he was considering what such support would cost him, politically. Spain is a Sunni nation, after all. Eventually, he looked at me and asked if I needed help. I replied, "God dammit, Juan, where the fuck am I."

Everything went blank for awhile after that. The next thing I knew, I was sitting in some hotel room, watching a Secret Service agent hold an ice pack against his balls.

Fucking Spaniards.

Sarah Palin is On the Road to Nowhere

Sarah Palin JESUS CHRIST IS LORD is bringing a new kind of leadership to America DIE SINNERS & BURN IN THE ETERNAL FIRES OF DAMNATION. She is at the forefront of a new movement WHO DARKENS COUNSEL to take back our country from the commie, liberal hippies who are chopping it up and putting it into their bongs. Sarah Palin will take us to that great road to nowhere that will lead to the great Bridge to Nowhere THE RAPTURE IS UPON US where you can get a slice of Earmark Pizza for a measly $350,000,000.00!

As you were!



++++

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Lawrence Welk, Dope Fiend

Noble House Party

Sir Evelyn and Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild throw their first McCain house party since she called Obama an elitist. 



Pam has another Lady Lynn clip.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Hometown Paper

I finally got around to subscribing to my hometown paper, The Tremonton Leader, and I thought I'd share a little bit of it with you.

But first, I better provide a glossary:

Ward - A Mormon congregation of about 200 people who live within defined geographical boundaries.
Primary - A Mormon church service for children under twelve held after school.
Relief Society - A Mormon organization for women.

CORINNE COMMENTS
Sandra Neff
Leader Correspondent
Century School sends a reminder for students to look their best Monday, Sept. 22. That is the day individual fall photos will be taken. Yearbook cover contest entries are due Friday, Sept. 26.
It has been announced that both Corinne Wards will present their annual Primary Programs on Sept. 28.
The First Ward had Relief Society sisters joined in a trunk or treasure night last week. Items no longer needed or those that no longer fit, were offered to other mothers for a trade. A tasting table was enjoyed by all.
The Second Ward has also enjoyed enrichment night. The giggles could be heard throughout the hall as each person tried desperately to remember names of people they had know for years in order to win a candy bar.
Several baptisms have been performed this month including Chock Tracy, son of Lisa and Quinn Tracy, Rachel Draper, daughter of Tanya and Dale Draper and Jeff Rush all of the Second Ward. Jeff is married to Robin, the daughter of Leone Higgins of Corinne.

PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent
Boyd Udy reports loosing a horse to West Nile Virus at his place. When the horse got sick a veterinarian took blood samples that confirmed the diagnosis. We sympathize with the owners of the horse.
Orson and Jeannette Poulsen went to Salt Lake City to the wedding reception of one of son Luke Houston’s dearest friends. While there they made it a point to visit with lots of their grandchildren on Saturday afternoon.
Orson has turned his Halflinger horse out to pasture for a while since the weather is good. He will continue to put up rocks on the front of his new home to “get it done before snow flies.”
Doris and Merlin Larsen were honored at Bear River’s Friday night football game with the game ball for their continuous support during the football season. “It was a nice, big football with all the names of the team players written on it,” Doris says happily.
On Thursday Kaye Draper went to Jordan Park Peace Gardens with friends. They walked and walked and saw many lovely displays.
Cleo and Gary Petit entertained (were entertained by) Jorden and Braxton Menlove from Saturday through Sunday. They enjoyed having them out in this cooler weather.
Cleo is continuing twice a week practice on line dancing getting ready for the big event next week.
We are glad to report that Emily Wilson is enrolled in a gymnastic class. Emily was also in the Peach Days Parade with the Trail Trotters and their horses as entry number 94.
The Richmans are very grateful to Rocky Mountain Power for getting the power back on. “We lost power Sunday night at 8:20 p.m. and got it back on at 2:50 p.m. Monday,” Clynn say. “We’re glad we have plenty of candles.” Winnie laughs. “But how does one put wicks into the largest one?” Thank goodness the Richmans had a slow burning old candle with a wick!
Winnie would like to thank Kathy Burns for her help on her new copy machine. It turns out that the computer is too old for the new printer. The programs are not compatible.” Sometimes I feel like that,” Winnie says.

How I was reborn as a hand virgin

Rep. Sam Graves (R-MO)
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Graves,

While so many other candidates are wasting their time discussing the unfolding international economic melt down, it's refreshing to hear that you're tackling the most important issue we face today, masturbation.

For far too long, libertines, like your opponent, Kay Barnes, have actively promoted the practice as a means to help women achieve "orgasm." But, of course, such efforts are merely a ruse. We know from our own experience that there is no such thing as a female orgasm--sex is not a pleasant experience for women; they invariably react to the very thought of it by vomiting. The libertines' true aim is to sap the strength of the American male by destroying traditional taboos against masturbation.

The end result of all this sapping is a weaker, more vulnerable America. Osama bin Laden doesn't masturbate. That's why he's so angry. That anger drove him to attack us. Most American men don't experience that kind of anger, because the relief one achieves from patting the robertson prevents stress and tension from achieving the needed critical mass.

Fortunately, there are some who resist masturbation's siren call. John McCain doesn't masturbate. That's why he's so prone to fits of anger. And that's what will give him a diplomatic edge as President. All of our potential enemies will have to weigh their ambitions against the fact that a President McCain will be backed-up, pissed off, and have easy access to "the button."

Sen. McCain's reluctance to engage in self-rogering also most certainly played a role in his invention of the Blackberry. What better way to clear one's mind of auto-erotic temptations than to slip off to Canada to create a new revolutionary communications device.

We need more of that kind of anti-onanic genius. That's why I hope you continue to pound the masturbation issue throughout your campaign.

Perhaps, you could even take it the next step and ask your supporters to take a pledge against masturbation and become reborn as "Graves Hand Virgins." Think of all the possibilities that opens up for your campaign. With all those angry men sitting in the audience at your debates, Barnes would be so intimidated, she wouldn't be able to articulate a coherent thought. And official Graves Hand Virgin codpieces would be a boon for fundraising and volunteer recruitment. Heck, I want one, now!

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The "It's Not Because He's Black" Excuse Wheel®

If you're like many of us, you become uncomfortable when anyone asks you why you’re voting against Obama. You can’t just tell the truth and say "it’s because he’s black." That's socially unacceptable. So you come up with an excuse like "I think he’s secretly Muslim" or "he compared Sarah Palin to a pig." But you can only get away with parroting McCain surrogate talking points for so long before people start laughing at you and asking you to become an Amway distributor.

You need to vary your response, so it looks like you're not desperately latching on to the first non-racist excuse that pops into your head. I've developed the "It's Not Because He's Black" Excuse Wheel® to help you do just that. Now, whenever your mind is too clouded with crystal meth or too preoccupied wondering how Noah tricked the dinosaurs into getting on a Liberian-flagged ark to think up a decent excuse for voting against Obama, all you need to do is spin the excuse wheel's pointer.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Fall Fundraiser

I hate to do these fundraisers, but family health issues have just eaten away at everything over the last year or two. I need to justify the time I spend on line or find a second job. If you can give, thanks. If not, don't worry about it. I certainly understand.

Paypal



Amazon Donation Box

Numbing Helps


OK, I'll admit it. At first blush, the news thatJohn McCain helped his wife, Cindy, smuggle stolen charity drugs into the country sounds pretty bad. But you have to put it into perspective. Sen. McCain is a maverick who demands things to be done his way. When that doesn't happen, he offers whatever help and guidance is needed. It's like when Cindy McCain went off message and joked that the Senator's hair was thinning. He responded by calling her a "cunt." It was his way, the maverick way, of offering her guidance.

Being on the receiving end of such guidance isn't easy. That's especially true if it's pretty much a constant thing. Developing an opiate addiction is one of the more affective ways of dealing with it, and that's what Cindy did.

Sen. McCain didn't really mind as long as the addiction helped keep her on task. The hours Cindy once spent crying were now spent numbly following orders and writing checks. She was finally doing things the maverick way, and the Senator wanted to help her in any way he could. He got her a diplomatic passport so she could smuggle the drugs she stole from her charity; he blackballed the whistleblower who objected to the theft; and he worked closely with the DEA to ensure she was never indicted. Nothing wrong with that. It was for the greater good.

I'm sure he'll provide us with the same kind of guidance once he's elected President. He will be hard on us, but only because he wants us to do things the maverick way. That's not too much to ask of us, and heck, with enough Vicodin, we'll be too damned numb to care.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Jeep Pike Palin

I was hoping for Ninja Skidoo Palin, but what the hell. It's good.

Important Issues

I know in my heart that when Obama made the stinking fish comment, he was referring to humble POW Senator, John McCain. It may not seem to be a big thing, but it gives me an excuse to vote against Obama without mentioning his race. That's all I needed. That's all a lot of us needed.

Outtakes from "The Interview"

Sex, Lies, and Republican Government: Just How Corrupt Can They Be?


No You Can't: Republicans Offer Strong Alternatives to Democratic Policies
Image © Austin Cline
Click for full-sized Image


The Republican Party is comprised of a number of different interests groups which have formed a coalition for the sake of winning elections, but not all of these groups see eye-to-eye on how to use that power once they achieve it. One major interest group consists of those who want to see the government largely eliminated because they don't think it can do any good. Another major interest group consists of those who want to use government power to benefit capital and increase the divide between haves and have-nots. So how do they manage to work together?

They seem to have stumbled across an interesting compromise, though I'm not sure how well it will work in the long run. Those who want to use government power for the sake of monied interests are allowed to go as far as they wish, while any scandals resulting from the wanton corruption are used by the "kill the government" faction as further rationale for their own goals. Why wanton corruption in corporations isn't treated as reason to kill them seems to be a question we're not supposed to ask. Maybe we should.

There is an inevitable tension here because too many scandals will deprive corporate Republicans of a tool they need to maintain the current economic system which keeps them in power, while too few scandals will deprive small-government Republicans of a tool they need to kill the current political system. Corporate Republicans need just enough scandals to keep their partners happy; small-government Republicans need to limit the number of scandals to keep their partners happy. In the end, can either side be really happy?

Another problem is the fact that this compromise is only meant to run on the institutional level, not the personal level. It's already a bit hypocritical for Republicans to keep asking voters to put them in charge of institutions they claim aren't any good, never mind that they promise to reform institutions they've been running for years. It's positively schizophrenic, though, for individual Republicans to both promise to be trustworthy, honorable politicians then turn around and demonstrate the most depraved and cynical sorts of personal and political corruption available.

The former is what we have with the recent problems in the Department of the Interior. Republicans there were given free rein to do as they wished when it came to how they ran the department (and of course in how they dealt with various sectors of the energy industry). This led to widespread corruption that is more reminiscent of Caligula than any of the more mundane corruption scandals that have been revealed about the Bush administration. Public servants were literally in bed with the oil industry and figuratively snorted coke off the backs off working Americans. I'm still waiting to find out if a horse was ever appointed undersecretary in some department.

The latter is what we appear to have with both the presidential and vice-presidential candidates from the Republican party. Who helped ensure that Cindy McCain didn't face same sort of justice for her drug abuse that would certainly be experienced by middle-class white Americans, never mind working-class minorities? There are accusations the John McCain himself stepped in with far-reaching abuses of power to protect his wife, which meant also protecting his source of money, his unknown number of houses, and of course his own political career. The only thing he may not have done is act as a middleman to procure more medication for her, but maybe he has servants for that?

Sarah Palin may have been picked for McCain's running mate because she's just as bogged-down with corruption baggage as he is. There seems to be strong evidence that she abused her power to ruin the career of her sister's ex-husband. Granted, the reports don't make him sound like a winner himself, but that would be no excuse for what she did. From what I've read about Republican politics in Alaska, making and ruining others' careers based on personal ties would probably just be par for the course. In that sense Palin may be a bit extreme for national Republican politics, but the mainstream in recent years has been moving closer to her position, so perhaps she is just ahead of the Republican personal and political corruption curve.

If we want to see just how corrupt Republicans can be, then we should definitely elect John McCain. His campaign has already engaged in record-breaking lies, both in terms of how many lies are being told and how blatant those lies are. I've been reliably informed that even the Chinese and Russian judges are suitably impressed, giving McCain and his campaign manager high marks. We can be confident that this lying would continue after they win and may even increase. There can also be little doubt that the personal and professional corruption would continue unchecked as well.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

A Heartbeat Away

Department of Book Reports: Scripting Your World

We here at the Book Report have always striven to actually read the book before we tell you about it. Not so, this time! I've channelled this Book Report for you from Second Life©.
~BookemJackson Streeter

Our Second Life buddy Vex Streeter (he's actually a cousin we didn't know we had until we went on SL!) is a co-author of Scripting Your World: The Official Guide to Second Life© Scripting (Wiley, $39.99)

Just looking at the table of contents tells me there'll be a lot of information here for me. Wiley has a great reputation for technical books and we're proud of Vex for getting his book published by them.

Vex has sent me two chapters and even with my rudimentary building skills, I've found a couple projects I think I can handle. The chapters present complex information, and then recap it in a variety of examples and definitions. The book's website goes live on the 15th, and there will be lots of extra goodies and unpublished chapters there.

This isn't a book for SL beginners, but if you've started monkeying around with objects you'll soon be wanting to own it. I think the folks who are skilled builders will appreciate it for providing valuable reference in a single volume. I can't wait to see what Shinigami will do with this!

démocommié™™™™™©®ç åü courant was unable to contribute to this BookReport as he finally figured out how to post on the blog he set up last year. Do bookmark Polrant to keep up with his gibbering.

Your local Fine Independent Bookstore will be able to get you a copy on the 15th. Jackson Street Books yearns for the day we can sell you books once again. Stay tuned.

If you're still thinking about trying Second Life©, email me, and I'll help you get started!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Imprecatory Prayer of the Northern Wolves

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Sky Goddess
Earth Father
Snow Mother
River Daughter
Cave Son
All

when the hunters flew in the sky
and killed our brothers and sisters
we tried to run but could not escape
the long guns, the bullets hot and cruel
they come at us so fast

the land is our home
the air is our spirit
the prey is our food
the world is our life

when we are gone our children cry
when we howl we are alone
when the sun rises
it rises without us

Sky Goddess
Earth Father
Snow Mother
River Daughter
Cave Son
All

hear this and know:
we are evolving in a dream
we are walking in the hunters' night
we smell their blood money
we mark their minds
we are running in their shadows
we are the endless pack in the forest
this night the mercenary sleep is fitful
this night we arrive in a different world
and take them apart
and break their skin
and turn their arms into branches
and turn their eyes into birds
and set their jaws agape
we are standing as sentries among the killers
this night we howl in their lives
this night will be all nights
and the killers will know us and fear sleep
and the killers will know us and fear sleep

Sky Goddess
Earth Father
Snow Mother
River Daughter
Cave Son
All

when the moon is full
look for us beyond the hills
we are running
we are the hunters once more

Sky Goddess
Earth Father
Snow Mother
River Daughter
Cave Son
All


++++

Brutal

The war against wolfofascism continues.

Sarah Palin Proves She's Almost as Ready as Alice Cooper

In terms of foreign policy knowledge, Sarah Palin is every bit as qualified as Alice Cooper to be Vice President or President.

OK, she's not quite as knowledgeable as Cooper--he apparently knows what the Bush Doctrine is--but she has five months to catch up.

I bet President Bush doesn't know what the Bush Doctrine is either


So Sarah Palin doesn't know what the "Bush Doctrine" is. You don't really have to understand the central doctrine driving our current foreign policy to be qualified to be vice president; you just have to be willing to kick some ass. Sure the Bush Doctrine, which says that pre-emptive war is justified in some cases, was our excuse for invading Iraq and our justification for a potential attack on Iran, but Gov. Palin doesn't need an excuse. She needs an apocalypse to usher in Our Lord Jesus' second coming.

So forget about "Bush Doctrine" segment of her interview with Charlie Gibson. The important part is where she talks about going to war with Russia. That’s our apocalypse. It’s a shame she wasn’t president a month ago, because we’d be ass deep in apocalypse right now, with a possibility of having Christ stop by for Christmas.

Clueless in the Klondike

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Self Evident

Remembering those who were murdered in New York, Arlington, Pennsylvania, and Iraq on and after September 11, 2001.



mp3

self evident
by ani difranco

yes,
us people are just poems
we're 90% metaphor
with a leanness of meaning
approaching hyper-distillation
and once upon a time
we were moonshine
rushing down the throat of a giraffe
yes, rushing down the long hallway
despite what the p.a. announcement says
yes, rushing down the long stairs
with the whiskey of eternity
fermented and distilled
to eighteen minutes
burning down our throats
down the hall
down the stairs
in a building so tall
that it will always be there
yes, it's part of a pair
there on the bow of noah's ark
the most prestigious couple
just kickin back parked
against a perfectly blue sky
on a morning beatific
in its indian summer breeze
on the day that america
fell to its knees
after strutting around for a century
without saying thank you
or please

and the shock was subsonic
and the smoke was deafening
between the setup and the punch line
cuz we were all on time for work that day
we all boarded that plane for to fly
and then while the fires were raging
we all climbed up on the windowsill
and then we all held hands
and jumped into the sky

and every borough looked up when it heard the first blast
and then every dumb action movie was summarily surpassed
and the exodus uptown by foot and motorcar
looked more like war than anything i've seen so far
so far
so far
so fierce and ingenious
a poetic specter so far gone
that every jackass newscaster was struck dumb and stumbling
over 'oh my god' and 'this is unbelievable' and on and on
and i'll tell you what, while we're at it
you can keep the pentagon
keep the propaganda
keep each and every tv
that's been trying to convince me
to participate
in some prep school punk's plan to perpetuate retribution
perpetuate retribution
even as the blue toxic smoke of our lesson in retribution
is still hanging in the air
and there's ash on our shoes
and there's ash in our hair
and there's a fine silt on every mantle
from hell's kitchen to brooklyn
and the streets are full of stories
sudden twists and near misses
and soon every open bar is crammed to the rafters
with tales of narrowly averted disasters
and the whiskey is flowin
like never before
as all over the country
folks just shake their heads
and pour

so here's a toast to all the folks who live in palestine
afghanistan
iraq

el salvador

here's a toast to the folks living on the pine ridge reservation
under the stone cold gaze of mt. rushmore

here's a toast to all those nurses and doctors
who daily provide women with a choice
who stand down a threat the size of oklahoma city
just to listen to a young woman's voice

here's a toast to all the folks on death row right now
awaiting the executioner's guillotine
who are shackled there with dread and can only escape into their heads
to find peace in the form of a dream

cuz take away our playstations
and we are a third world nation
under the thumb of some blue blood royal son
who stole the oval office and that phony election
i mean
it don't take a weatherman
to look around and see the weather
jeb said he'd deliver florida, folks
and boy did he ever

and we hold these truths to be self evident:
#1 george w. bush is not president
#2 america is not a true democracy
#3 the media is not fooling me
cuz i am a poem heeding hyper-distillation
i've got no room for a lie so verbose
i'm looking out over my whole human family
and i'm raising my glass in a toast

here's to our last drink of fossil fuels
let us vow to get off of this sauce
shoo away the swarms of commuter planes
and find that train ticket we lost
cuz once upon a time the line followed the river
and peeked into all the backyards
and the laundry was waving
the graffiti was teasing us
from brick walls and bridges
we were rolling over ridges
through valleys
under stars
i dream of touring like duke ellington
in my own railroad car
i dream of waiting on the tall blonde wooden benches
in a grand station aglow with grace
and then standing out on the platform
and feeling the air on my face

give back the night its distant whistle
give the darkness back its soul
give the big oil companies the finger finally
and relearn how to rock-n-roll
yes, the lessons are all around us and a change is waiting there
so it's time to pick through the rubble, clean the streets
and clear the air
get our government to pull its big dick out of the sand
of someone else's desert
put it back in its pants
and quit the hypocritical chants of
freedom forever

cuz when one lone phone rang
in two thousand and one
at ten after nine
on nine one one
which is the number we all called
when that lone phone rang right off the wall
right off our desk and down the long hall
down the long stairs
in a building so tall
that the whole world turned
just to watch it fall
and while we're at it
remember the first time around?
the bomb?
the ryder truck?
the parking garage?
the princess that didn't even feel the pea?
remember joking around in our apartment on avenue D?

can you imagine how many paper coffee cups would have to change their design
following a fantastical reversal of the new york skyline?!

it was a joke, of course
it was a joke
at the time
and that was just a few years ago
so let the record show
that the FBI was all over that case
that the plot was obvious and in everybody's face
and scoping that scene
religiously
the CIA
or is it KGB?
committing countless crimes against humanity
with this kind of eventuality
as its excuse
for abuse after expensive abuse
and it didn't have a clue
look, another window to see through
way up here
on the 104th floor
look
another key
another door
10% literal
90% metaphor
3000 some poems disguised as people
on an almost too perfect day
should be more than pawns
in some asshole's passion play
so now it's your job
and it's my job
to make it that way
to make sure they didn't die in vain
sshhhhhh....
baby listen
hear the train?