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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008: The Year in Hair

It is that time when the old and new media bid adieu to the past year and herald in the new by writing retrospectives. Most will be tributes to the events and people who shaped our great nation and world, but few, if any, will give proper credit to the hair that brought form to it all.

That's the job left to me.

Like Sampson of old, many of the greatest men and women of 2008 derived much of their power from their hair. This list examines but a few of them, for it is meant to serve only as a starting point for your own recollections on this New years Eve.

Let us begin with the hair of Our Glorious Leader, George W Bush. Gray one day and brown the next, the Chosen One's hair served as a threat level indicator to a fearful public. Times of relative calm were announced with shades of ancient dirty white, while a deep chocolate, symbolic of youth and vigor, signaled a crisis like dropping poll numbers or cash-flow problems in the lobbying sector. Ever-shifting polychromatic hair is not easily managed, but Our Leader boldly and bravely met the challenge by constantly adjusting his body chemistry via an internal application of alcohol.

Mitt Romney entered the primaries wearing a hair-helmet possessing adamantine properties. But alas, although it could withstand the strength of hurricane force winds, it lacked the power to bring him victory. Some blame it on a 0.03 micron shift in the position of hair number 1,327,811-B that occurred during the Great Romney Scalp Quake of January 12, 2008. Me, I prefer to blame it on a conspiracy of gay cosmetologists.

I caught a lot of flack when I first wrote about Staten Island congressional candidate Fran Powers Jr's hair. Some readers felt it was unfair to assume the women-repulsing power of his doo had anything to do with him becoming a libertarian. But hey, how could such an angrily chaotic hairstyle leave him anything but kissless and open to the mentally masturbatorial fantasies of libertarianism? Unfortunately, the power of his coif did not extend beyond repulsing women--he failed in his quest to beat the Republican candidate, his father, Fran Powers Sr.

Powers Sr was selected by the Republicans to run for that seat after the previous occupant, Vito Fossella, resigned so he could spend more time with his families. You see, Fossella, a family-values congressman with a family in Staten Island, also had a secret family in Virginia. He never intended to have two families, but a freak accident caused him to impregnate a very close friend, Laura Fay. 

Fossella's problem stemmed from his hair, which was widely considered to be the oiliest since John C. Calhoon's in the mid-nineteenth century. Indeed, it was so greasy, the oil constantly slid down his body and collected in his briefs. His briefs became particularly oily one night, while he was chatting with Fay, and his little Congressman became overly excited as it slid around against the soft but slippery cotton. It eventually erupted, and the resulting ejaculatory spasms created tremendous hydraulic pressures within his pants. Soon, the fabric was breached and a high pressure stream of oil and man-juice shot out and impregnated Ms Fay.

It is impossible to gaze upon Sarah's magnificent coif without slipping into a nostalgic state and dreaming about hair's glory days in the seventies. She is Karen Valentine astride a van de graaff generator, her traditional rural western schoolmarm hairstyle brought into the kind of fullness that can only be achieved trough the application of at least 100,000 volts. But it's silky softness is deceptive. It has the power to ward off everything from witches spells to Godless logic and reason. It will serve her well in her run for the presidency.

The general consensus about Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich's breathtakingly massive hair is that it's some kind of tribute to the topiary skills of the master gardeners of Graceland. That may be the case, the dramatic curve of its crest no less than six inches above his scalp is reminiscent of the body of a Fender Telecaster shaped from the stems and branches of a juniper hedge. But I think it Blago's hair serves a more utilitarian purpose. Consider the sheer number of pens, paperclips, staplers and other supplies that could be smuggled out of an office in that doo. In just a few short weeks, he could set up an office supply store that could rival Staples or Office Depot.

Finally, let's end this with a tribute to the greatest patch of pseudo-hair I've seen this year, Trent Lott's toupee. A gift awarded to him by the astroturf industry for his work blocking turf-toe legislation, the piece served Lott well during his many years in the Senate. Hopefully it will serve him just as well in his retirement. The funny thing about the piece is that Lott has a full head of hair and doesn't actually need it. He wears it because someone once commented that his bangs "looked a little bit negro." I believe it was Haily Barbour who said that, or maybe it was another former RNC Chair or potential RNC Chair.


Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston

I think it's nice Bristol Plain named little Tripp to honor both her brother, Track, and Levi's mom.

Shock and Awe, Again

Seriously.

In every American news report and every utterance by a politician, we are told that the good are striking out against the evilest of savages and, once again, we buy into it without question.

As always, Richard Silverstein nails it.

Galveston, Oh Galveston

Charles Wiley
Chief of Police
Galveston, TX

Dear Chief Wiley,

It was a great bust by all accounts, or at least the accounts of the officers involved. Called to a neighborhood to arrest three white prostitutes, Narcotics Division boss Sgt Gilbert Gomez and Officers David Roark and Sean Stewart found an even more enticing target, Dymond Larae Milburn, a 12-year-old black honors student.

Officers with lesser training might have missed the suspicious nature of her activities, but not your intrepid trio. They saw a pre-teen, standing in her front yard when white prostitutes were about. It could mean only one thing: she, too, must be a prostitute.

Upon seeing young Ms Milburn, their training kicked in. They jumped her, beat her, and arrested her for prostitution.
Of course, her family, not being as well trained as your officers, objected to her treatment. They pointed to her sprained wrist, two black eyes, bloody nose, and blood in an ear as evidence that your officers had gone too far. Even worse, they wondered aloud if standing in one's front yard was indeed a criminal offence.

That posed a problem for your department. Although the prostitution charge was a matter of who a jury would believe--three cops or a black kid--the physical injuries were harder to explain. Summary beatings of suspected prostitutes is illegal (even in Texas).

You responded the only way you could--by dispatching officers to the young honor student's middle school and arresting her again--this time for resisting arrest.

I'm sure you're very proud of these officers. Given your departments response to the family's complaints, you obvious believe the officers met your expectations in making this arrest in the way they did. But I have to wonder if your guidelines might need revision. I'm worried that your department might be getting a little soft. If this had happened in Florida, the officers would have tased her first to facilitate the beating.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Award

Looks like I've been nominated for another weblog award. This time in the Best Very Large Blog (Authority between 501 and 1,000). I'm pulling for Pandagon.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Never saw it coming

He owned:
- Four shotguns.
- Two handguns.
- Three unidentified firearms.
- A military-style hummer.

Bruce Pardo was just a regular Second-Amendment-loving guy.

He was also a devoted Catholic.

It's no wonder people are surprised that such a nice guy would dress up as Santa, go to a Christmas Eve party, and shoot nine children and adults including his ex-wife and in-laws.

He's being condemned in the press, but, now, Mens Movement activists are touting his story as another example of the sad, sorry plight of the white Christian male.

SonofMichael (Who, not surprisingly, links to a mail-order bride site):
The woman was so greedy that she tried to steal this guys house, money and DOG !!! No way would I let someone take my dog. This is what happens when laws take advantage and abuse men; sooner or later men are going to fight back. 
Milhouse Gregor:
According to the Catholic Church, divorce is a mortal sin, resulting in immediate excommunication, and during the times of church rule, punishable by death except under extreme circumstances.

So instead of focusing on what Bruce Pardo did, we should be asking why the US government didn't beat him to it. This woman was rewarded for divorcing her husband. Yes. In this country, in the United States of America, you may now receive cash compensation for filing for divorce. This is commonly referred to as "alimony payments". Now, if they called it "Reward For Getting Divorced" people would probably not be as accepting of it. But that's what it is.

But woman's eyes were bigger than her stomach, and now she is left with neither. Her body will rot to ashes in the ground and will be consumed by maggots. Mr. Pardo just helped to accelerate the process, and give her an attractive aroma which is pleasing to insect life. After all, we need to be considerate of the insects.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Department of Book Reports

Of course there were books under our tree!
One local favorite that was in high demand this past week is Cliff Mass' The Weather of the Pacific Northwest (University of Washington Press, $29.95). We've been listening to Cliff's Friday weather reports on KUOW for years, it's always been a nice respite from Parka Boy on the teevee screaming about overhyped non-incidents. This year, Cliff has a blogspot that was much more sensible than any of the network hacks, er... forecasters.
Teh kid was very happy to get For Your Consideration, The Firms of Dutton & Riverhead Books Present in the English Language: A Further Compendium of Complete World Knowledge in "The Areas Of My Expertise," Assembled and Illumined by Me, John Hodgman, A Famous Minor Television Personality, Offering More Information Than You Require On Subjects as Diverse as: The Past (as There Is Always More of It), The Future (as There Is Still Some Left), All of the Presidents of the United States, The Secrets of Hollywood, Gambling, The Sport of the Asthmatic Man (Including: Hermit-Crab Racing), Strange Encounters with Aliens, How to Buy a Computer, How to Cook an Owl, and Most Other Subjects (Dutton, $24.95). This follow-up to The Areas of my Expertise picks right up where the first volume left off, on page 237.
DJ Dano got The Pitchfork 500 Our Guide to the Greatest Songs from Punk to the Present (Simon & Schuster, $16.00). This has been getting a lot of book buzz, and rightfully so. Their website looks like a fine place to waste time.

Did you get a book this year? Give a book?

These and other fine volumes can be found at Jackson Street Books and your favorite independent bookstore.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Happy Second Christmas

The Dutch love the Lord so much, they celebrate Jesus' birth for two days instead of one. And when they celebrate, they sing their most popular Christmas song, Flappie. It's a happy little ditty about a father who kills his son's bunny on First Christmas and then is killed by his son on Second Christmas. Translation here (HVJ, Witchy). I think it beats the Hell out of The Little Drummer Boy


Thursday, December 25, 2008

No Guns, But Kaye Is a Swinging Single

The latest installment of Promontory Pointers has me a bit concerned. There's not a single reference to guns or killing. Is all that weaning they've been up to softened the the good men and women of Promontory?

And whats with all the sexual innuendo about Kaye every week? Is Winnie trying to undermine Miss Draper's position as Relief Society secretary?

From my hometown paper:

PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent

Jim and Starr Mitchell are getting ready for their first Christmas in Promontory. Along with Christmas baking, shopping and chopping wood, they are getting warm again in front of their fire after riding their bikes down the road for great exercise.
Boyd Udy is feeding hay to his horses in the field now. He has been feeding the calves in his corral since he weaned them and he is getting his team ready for feeding the cows in the field soon.
On Monday Kaye Draper joined with the Swinging Singles Square Dance Club for an evening of fast-paced dancing. On Tuesday she attended a Christmas party for the member location department in the Relief Society Building in Salt Lake City. A delicious meal of ham, chicken, shrimp, salad and several kinds of desserts, was served. On Wednesday and Friday, Kaye called bingo during the day, and on Friday evening her apartment complex gave a very special bingo party. Although no food was served the prizes were “extra special” for the winners. On Saturday, Kaye attended her ward Christmas party where all kinds of food and desserts were served and entertainment was great.
On Tuesday, Winnie Richman attended the Temple in Logan and granddaughter Mariah Richman’s piano lesson before her recital on Saturday. Wednesday’s art lesson in Robert’s Arts and Crafts in Clinton got Winnie started on a new painting. There will be no more art until the first of January. On Friday Clynn and Winnie met son Lyle at Maddox Ranch house for his birthday celebration and to enjoy Maddox’s new book – fantastic.
On Saturday, Winnie drove to Brigham to revel in Mariah’s piano recital. Many Christmas selections were played and received enthusiastic audience applause.

He Smokes Mistletoe

NBFH has the goods on Santa.

Happy Holidays

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Der Pöpenfuhrer Speaks


More here.

A Special Note Re: Thee Way

This is Jennifer Pomolive, acting CEO of the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution (GC3R).

Most readers know that the views expressed on the General's blog are his own and don't always reflect the views of the GC3R. Such is the case with regard to the General's cartoon about Republican Jesus putting aside partisanship to reach out to Barack Obama so that they might "fuck the gays" together.

The cartoon offended our good friends at Three Way, who believed that the General was advocating that Rick Warren, Obama, and "the gay" engage in some kind of non-heterosexual sandwiching activity. After hours and hours of listening to their crying and wining and the three CD's of songs about livestock they sent to me, I decided it would be best if the GC3R used this blog to officially denounce the cartoon, the General, and non-heterosexual sandwiching activity.

The GC3R has partnered with Three Way on a number of hyper-timid incrementalist bullshit projects - including a community-building effort encouraging men to embrace the cherished Heartland tradition of sharing a communal donkey-wife. We were hoping to enlist Rev. Warren in this effort, but the cartoon may have soured our relationship with him to the point that he will no longer share his donkey, Brittney. We hope that is not the case.

A Little Christmas Music

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Looking for Songwriters

The Netrootsislamunistosatanicofascists are seeking donations of MP3 recordings of original songs from musicians for use as part of a collection to be sold to raise funds for Netroots Nation in Second Life. Email submissions to rev.paperboy@gmail.com. the Rev needs an MP3 and a brief amount of artist info - a couple of sentences is enough- and he needs it ASAP in order to get things put together in time for the inauguration. Not all submissions will necessarily end up in the collection, but the Rev will listen to everything sent in and try to whittle it down to a manageable dozen or so tunes.

I can't figure it out either

Like this poster at the Susan B. Anthony List Candidate Fund Project's new blog, TeamSarah.org, I can't figure out why negroes aren't flocking to our Grand Old Party:
And negroes are pretty conventional when t comes to values. Most are rather conservative, which is why I can't understand for the life of me why the vote for democrats.

Christmas comes but once a year (if that)

Rev. T. Scott Christmas
Grace Community Church
Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Rev. Christmas,

I want to commend you for identifying and publicly rebuking the fornicator in your midst. I'm sure she felt very ashamed when you detailed her sinful acts for your congregation. I bet it was particularly humiliating for her to see the expressions on the faces of her two adult children who were present as you singled her out as a slattern and a whore.

No doubt Jesus wept with joy.

The good ladies of Grace Community Church deserve kudos as well. If they hadn't sat outside her house to ascertain if the fornicatress returned home at night, you may have never learned of her sins.

That said, I feel I must rebuke you for failing to apply all the biblically-required sanctions. Specifically, I'm referring to the punishment outlined in Deut. 22:21, or "Fellowship by Stoning" as I like to refer to it. There's no better way to build a bond between congregants than to get them together for a good, old fashioned stoning. Sharing a bloody homicidal experience always brings people closer together.

But you want to do it right. that means good smooth river stones that break bones while minimizing messy lacerations.I mean hey, who wants to take home a jagged rock with bloody bits of flesh on it as a souvenir? 

And since I mentioned souvenirs, I'm pretty sure I can get you stones from the River Jordan for about $300 a pound (plus shipping). Now that'd make it a stoning that'd be cherished for generations. Think about it. Your great great great grandchildren could hold a stone from the River Jordan that you used to rupture a sinner's spleen. Now, that's what I call an heirloom.

And heck, what about those good ladies who helped you out with the spying. It'd be a shame to ban them from the stoning. Yes, I know it isn't exactly Biblical but would it be all that wrong to hook them up with some fake beards. I hear Gary Bauer knows all about beards. Maybe you could introduce him to the ladies.

That takes care of the fornicatress. What about her partner? Is he a member of your congregation? If so, did you do anything about him? You know what I mean. Did you take him out, buy him a few beers, and call him a "sly dog" as you grinned and slapped him on the back?

I hope so.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Why does Pastor Dan hate Republican Jesus

At Street Prophets:

Were it "just" the stuff about Proposition 8, the outcry would be much less, I think. In fact, Prop. 8 is just the tip of the iceberg. Warren is wrong about everything, from torture to stem cells to AIDS to assassinating foreign leaders to Iraq. Everything.

You couldn't ask for a poorer representative of who Obama is or claims to be than Rick Warren. He doesn't have to agree with Obama or progressives on everything, but it'd be nice if he'd agree on something.

Worse are the calls to trust Obama's judgment in the interests of "healing the divisions" in American politics. Some of those are well-intentioned, others are just smug. But they all peddle the same cheap grace: reconciliation without justice. It's more than just insulting to be told to kiss and make up with someone who's sinned against you when they still have their foot on your neck. It's actually wrong, in that it reinforces the original injustice.
Read the whole thing.

My Inner Frenchman chimes in.

Sixteen years ago this week, I was at a Hanukkah Party one of my professors threw just outside of DC. The place was packed with politicos and pundits--people like Frank Luntz and Eleanor Clift. Bill Clinton was the president-elect and the room was buzzing with the news that he'd overturn the ban on gays serving in the military. I remember talking to Fox News Democrat Mort Kondrake about it. He joked that he was all for it as long as they served as cannon fodder (yes, he's perfect for Fox News).

I've thought a lot about the buzz at that party this week. Bill Clinton, the triangulating DLC centrist, came into office fighting for gay rights at a time when civil unions were unthinkable.

Compare that to what we're seeing now. Barack Obama, a man who many thought was at least slightly to the left of Clinton, is entering office at a time when society is much more gay-friendly--even the Mormons have said they would not fight civil unions. Yet Obama selects a homophobe to give the invocation at his inauguration. It's as if he is looking to have a Sister Souljah with gays and those who support their basic human rights.

Monday, December 22, 2008

America's Country Stars Go to War

When Islamunistosatanicfascism raises it heretical head, the stars of country music go to war. That's the message I received when I picked up my special edition copy of Salute to America And Our Troops ($3.49--available until Dec. 31st) at the local Piggly Wiggly.

Toby Keith went beyond the call of duty in his service to God and country. He told world Islamunistosatanicfascism to go straight to h-e-double-toothpicks by gaining no less than 100 lbs between shooting the cover and doing a little happy dance for our grateful troops. Take that Osama bin Dixie Chick!


And Tracy Byrd, Big Kenny "I'm Not Compensating" Alpin, and Aaron Tipton fight the enemy by getting plane rides. Charley Daniels takes another approach--he airs out his crotch for victory.

Barbara Mandrell and Danielle Peck defend America by skydiving.

A whole host of country music's greatest stars strike fear into the hearts of America's adversaries by painting their guitars in the colors of Old Glory.




Alan Jackson, Brad "I'm not a DFH despite my name" Paisley, Aaron Tipton, Garth Brooks, Toby Keith, the late Buck Owens, Brooks & Dunn, Troy "I Kilt An Old, Caged Bear For Jesus" Gentry, and Charlie "I Love To Air Out My Crotch" Daniels ain't afraid to paint their axes for a quick buck and a great photo.

But most importantly of all, our country music patriots know that we can't fight a war without a huge arsenal of chauvinistic, xenophobic, emotionally-exploitative hit songs.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

How Do I Fuck My Base? Let Me Count The Ways.

How Do I Fuck My Base? Let Me Count The Ways.
A poem by Barack Obama

How do I fuck my base.
Let me count the ways?
I fuck them by reaching out to homophobic pastors
and the bigoted throngs they represent.
I fuck them by embracing war-mongering apparatchiks
and the neo-con wet dreams they blindly followed.
I fuck them by allowing war-criminals and torturers
to  escape the punishment they so richly deserve.
I fuck them by endorsing domestic spying
and allowing the telecoms to profit from their complicity.
I fuck them and smile 
as I reach out to everyone but them.

Republican Jesus: Four More Years

Too bad he wasn't a Palin family associate

I'm thinking God rewarded Sarah Palin for her faith by stepping in and telling the police to withhold information about Sherry L. Johnston's arrest. So don't go blaming the police for not withholding information about Justin McIntyre--obviously, he doesn't have connections to good church-going folk.

Her arrest:

A 42-year-old Wasilla woman was arrested Thursday at her home by Alaska State Troopers with a search warrant in an undercover drug investigation. Sherry L. Johnston was charged with six felony counts of misconduct involving a controlled substance.

[...]

Troopers released no other information, including the kind or amount of drugs, because details could jeopardize an ongoing investigation, spokeswoman Megan Peters said.

His arrest:

Alaska State Troopers reported that police in Valdez made an arrest Saturday in a case involving the first Methcathinone lab discovered by law enforcement in Alaska.
Police discovered a small marijuana grow operation, various types of drug paraphernalia, and boxes containing chemicals and laboratory-grade glassware during a search Thursday of an apartment in downtown Valdez. They contacted the Mat-Su Narcotic Unit for assistance with the chemicals, which police called "suspicious," according to the troopers.

A second search Saturday involving the narcotics unit and city police turned up further evidence of a meth lab, troopers said.

Justin McIntyre, 18, the supposed tenant of the apartment, was arrested on charges of misconduct involving a controlled substance and theft. He was lodged at the Valdez Regional Jail and bail was set at $25,000.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Department of Book Reports: A Christmas Carol

The following is, of course, from the climax of Stave Three, as Dickens called it, when Scrooge is abandoned by the Spirit of Christmas Present. Among my English major friends, Charles Dickens is regarded as a rank sentimentalist, and, worse, a writer who achieved popularity with the reading public of his time. At the same time, I argue that he was also one of the most acute social critics of the 19th Century, and a critic that helped transform that world for the better.

The scene below contains one of the most powerful images in English Literature. And it still holds true today.

Happy Holidays from SeattleDan and Seattle Tammy!From the foldings of its robe, it brought two children; wretched, abject, frightful, hideous, miserable. They knelt down at its feet, and clung upon the outside of its garment. "Oh, Man, look here! Look, look, down here!" exclaimed the Ghost. They were a boy and a girl. Yellow, meagre, ragged, scowling, wolfish; but prostrate, too, in their humility. Where graceful youth should have filled their features out, and touched them with its freshest tints, a stale and shrivelled hand, like that of age, had pinched, and twisted them, and pulled them into shreds. Where angels might have sat enthroned, devils lurked, and glared out menacing. No change, no degradation, no perversion of humanity, in any grade, through all the mysteries of wonderful creation, has monsters half so horrible and dread. Scrooge started back, appalled. Having them shown to him in this way, he tried to say they were fine children, but the words choked themselves, rather than be parties to a lie of such enormous magnitude. "Spirit, are they yours?" Scrooge could say no more. "They are Man's," said the Spirit, looking down upon them. "And they cling to me, appealing from their fathers. This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased. Deny it!" cried the Spirit, stretching out its hand towards the city. "Slander those who tell it ye. Admit it for your factious purposes, and make it worse. And abide the end."
"Have they no refuge or resource?" cried Scrooge.
"Are there no prisons?" said the Spirit, turning on him for the last time with his own words. "Are there no workhouses?"
The bell struck twelve.

Les Standiford has a timely book out just now, The Man Who Invented Christmas: How Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol Rescued His Career and Revived Our Holiday Spirits (Crown Publishing, $19.95) NPR has an excellent excerpt in their Indie Bookseller's Round-up.

As always, lovely books can be found at your favorite independent bookstore. Book orders can be placed 24 hours a day at Jackson Street Books.

The Bush Legacy

Click here to see it full size.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Pray for Bristol and Levi

One day before Bristol Palin's due date, the grandmother (Levi's mom, not Sarah) of her little uterine goalie was arrested for six counts of possessing and manufacturing or delivering a controlled substance. I'm sure the drug in question was an American drug like meth and not crack or anything like that, so it's not as bad as it might seem. Still, it's a reminder of how hard witches are working to destroy Sarah Palin's family.

From the Miami Herald:
A 42-year-old Wasilla woman was arrested Thursday at her home by Alaska State Troopers with a search warrant in an undercover drug investigation. Sherry L. Johnston was charged with six felony counts of misconduct involving a controlled substance.

Johnston is the mother of Levi Johnston, the Wasilla 18-year-old who received international attention in September when Gov. Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, announced their teenage daughter was pregnant and he was the father. Bristol Palin, 18, is due on Saturday, according to a recent interview with the governor's father, Chuck Heath.

Troopers served the warrant at Johnston's home at the "conclusion of an undercover narcotics investigation," said a statement issued Thursday by the troopers as part of the normal daily summary of activity around the state.

Troopers charged Johnston with second-degree misconduct involving a controlled substance -- generally manufacturing or delivering drugs -- as well as fourth-degree misconduct involving controlled substances, or possession.
A helmet tip to commenter fred c. dobbs.

Kaye's Big Night

From my hometown paper:

PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent

Jim and Starr Mitchell set up their Christmas tree last week and Jim put the lights on his house. Jim was also privileged to obtain a special elk tag. He bagged it. He and Starr prepared it for storage themselves. They saved some of the beef fat from their recently killed steers and added it to the pure ground elk burger for flavor and to hold the meat together during cooking.

Orson and Jeannette Poulsen attended the Thatcher-Penrose Ward Community Christmas breakfast Saturday. After a delicious meal they drove down to Brigham City to do some Christmas shopping.

On Wednesday, Kaye Draper was asked to “call” the bingo games at the Liberty Senior Center. “I enjoy bingo anyway, but calling the numbers and letters is really fun,” she says.

On the weekend Kaye attended an apartment complex Christmas party and received a new church calling on Sunday. She is now the ward Relief Society secretary.

Make my day, Elmer

Over the years, I've spent a lot of time visiting nursing homes to witness the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It's always a lot of fun because the residents are very receptive. I never get any back talk when I tell them they're going to burn in Hell. Mostly they just start crying. That moves the saving along very quickly.

One thing I've noticed during these visits is that very few of the residents are armed. I've tried to change that by running firearms drives to get each of them a gun, but that hasn't worked out so well. A ninety-year-old woman has a hard time picking up something even as light as a Glock. There's no way she could load, aim, and shoot it.

But last week, I received news that help was on the way. You see, the FDA had decided to diversify by becoming a rubber stamp for the gun industry in addition to the drug industry. Yes, the FDA approved it's first prescription firearm to be used as a "daily activity device." That means Medicare would pay for it.

Unfortunately, my excitement was quickly extinguished. Two days later, the FDA withdrew it's approval due to a little known "mockery and laughter" provision in the Code of Federal Regulations.

That's a shame because the 9mm Constitution Arms Palm Pistol is shaped to fit even the shakiest of hands and light enough to whip out in a flash when you see that bastard, Elmer, eyeing your oatmeal.

I may still buy a few to hand out at the home, because nothing would sound sweeter than this:
This is a 9mm Constitution Arms Palm Pistol, the most senior-friendly handgun in the world. A shot with the single bullet it holds would take your head clean off. 
Now you're probably wondering, was that a shot I heard earlier or is my hearing aid acting up again. Well...do you feel lucky, Elmer...do you, punk?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Have a Clean Coal Christmas


More info.

I don't really understand this...

...but these ladies sure seem to really enjoy Christmas.

A helmet tip to Hoquiam Tammy.

Chuck Norris and the Coulter Doctrine

Chuck Norris
WorldNetDaily

Dear Mr. Norris,

I bet you're as delighted as I am to hear that the US Army is finally implementing the Coulter Doctrine ("Invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity"). No doubt you've seen the television programs about the civilian missionaries the Army embedded in Afghanistan. I get chills every time I think about those brave combat missionaries handing out Bibles every time their unit secures a village.

But I have to wonder if these particular missionaries are right for the job. I expected to see a couple of kick-butt-and-convert-your-sorry-infidel-asses Christian warrior types passing out the Bibles, but these guys seemed a bit on the wimpy side to me. I doubt they command any respect, whatsoever.

I know you're busy right now defending Christmas against Jews and unbelievers, but I'm wondering if you could take some time off and get yourself embedded as an official Army missionary over there. I'm not talking long term or anything. You just need to find the Islamunistofascist kingpin's fortress and kick the sensei's ass like you did in Way of the Dragon. No, wait, Bruce Lee kicked your ass in that. Well, hell, you know what I mean.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen JC Christian, patriot

p.s. Here's one of the shows about the embedded missionaries in case you missed it:

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

They're back...

All you need to know about the bank bombers:



Hmmmmm. Seems familiar (from 1996).
Three men were charged today in a series of bank robberies in which gunmen linked to a white supremacist group had used pipe bombs as diversions.

"Yahweh is my defense," one defendant, Jay Merrell, told a Federal magistrate, Judge Cynthia Imbrogno. "I'll ask for nothing in bail."

[...]

The bombers left letters with markings of the Phineas Priesthood, a shadowy white supremacist organization opposed to interracial marriage, abortion and homosexuality, among other things
Oh, but they were just good social conservatives who did it for God.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Joseph Farah denies he's a homosexual

Joseph Farah
WorldNetDaily

Dear Mr. Farah,

You began your Dec. 14th column with this statement, culled from your entry in Wikipedia:
Joseph Francis Farah is an Evangelical Christian American journalist and noted homosexual of Lebanese and Syrian heritage.
Later you countered it by calling Wikipedia a "wholesale purveyor of lies and slander unlike any other the world has ever known" and "more dangerous than crack cocaine."

OK, I'd call that a fair response considering it came from one of the few men brave enough to continuously assert that Vince Foster was murdered (presumably by Hillary Clinton and her secret brother, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, in the drawing room with a very large wooden spoon) and promote that "Clinton Body Count" list.

But still, one question remains. Were you a member of the disco group, The Village People, in the seventies? You look a heck of a lot like the one named Glenn. You might consider posting photographs of your nipples so readers could examine them for piercings. I think that'd finally put an end to all this talk about any supposed inclinations you may have toward homosexuality.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


A helmet tip to reader Sheila.

Update: bob the hog points out that it is much worse than we thought:
Joseph Francis Farah is an Evangelical Christian American journalist of Lebanese and Syrian heritage[1]. He is the founder of WorldNetDaily (WND), for which he writes a daily commentary. He also enjoys chowing down on babies once in a while.

Monday, December 15, 2008

The "So What" Presidency

John Hinderaker
Powerline

Dear John,

I know you felt as proud as I felt when you saw Martha Raddatz' interview Our Glorious Leader. It's always such a pleasure to witness the kind of thinking that made America what it is at this moment. Let's take a look at the transcript, once again, so we can get goosebumps together:
President Bush: ... One of the major theaters against al Qaeda turns out to have been Iraq. This is where al Qaeda said they were going to take their stand. This is where al Qaeda was hoping to take ...

Raddatz: But not until after the U.S. invaded.

Bush: Yeah, that's right. So what? The point is that al Qaeda said they're going to take a stand.
Hell, I'll admit it. My little howitzer is at full elevation right now. It's as erect as the ol' rust will allow. How about you?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Our Leader didn't abandon the flag during the shoe onslaught

Scott Johnson
Powerline

Dear Mr. Johnson,

I know your love for the Stars and Stripes rivals only the love you have for Our Glorious Leader. No doubt, you are torn between those two great loves because of the recent shoe incident in Iraq. A quick viewing of the video certainly leaves one with the impression that the Chosen One actively dodged the shoe, thereby allowing it to strike our flag, desecrating its holy cloth with the stink of islamunistofascist footwear.

Surely, there will be those who argue that Our Wise Leader should have placed his body in the path of the shoe and taken the hit for the flag. That's what we expect the Secret Service to do for Him. It isn't asking for much to expect him to do the same for our most sacred symbol.

But a closer viewing of the video leads me to believe that he did not consciously dodge the shoe at all. In fact, he tried to intercept it with his face, but in the moment before impact, he was felled by a sudden, short-lived, alcohol-induced state of unconsciousness. Please take a look at the still photo I've included and you'll see what I mean.

So you see. Our Leader did not desert the flag in the face of an enemy shoe attack. Rather, he stood tall, or at least tried too, but was felled by one too many bottles of Night Train.
Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Bob the Hog

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Shoes Disrespected

From the White House to a Whites-Only House? George W. Bush Goes Home


From the White House to a Whites-Only House? George W. Bush Goes Home
Image © Austin Cline
Click for full-sized Image
"Festung" is German for Fortress


Everyone should have recognized that George W. Bush's "ranch" in Crawford, Texas, was just a prop — window dressing to make him seem more folksy, down-to-earth, and of course manly. Unfortunately, many took this faux ranch at face value — just as Bush assumed ignorant Republicans would — and assumed that Bush wasn't really the spoiled, privileged rich kid. Now that he's leaving elected office without any hope of ever having power again, he's already leaving the ranch. Didn't take him long, did it? How long will it be before he sells it? He only bought it when he started running for president in 1999, so it's not like there is any reason to waste time abandoning the former pig farm.

The only thing more tragic than his having successfully used that fake ranch to fool so many people is where he's moving to now. It's unlikely that many people have heard of Preston Hollows, an upscale suburb of Dallas, and that's just the way residents want it. They like their privacy. And they like their exclusivity — something that for decades meant restricting the neighborhood to whites only. The original neighborhood association's covenant from 1956 stipulated that "property shall be used and occupied by white persons except those shall not prevent occupancy by domestic servants of different race or nationality in the employ of a tenant."

This provision wasn't revoked until decades after the era of Civil Rights — it was in full force right up to the year 2000, the year Bush first took office. Do you think he would have moved in even if the original whites-only rules were still in effect? I don't know, but he should feel right at home in Preston Hollows because he used to live in Highland Park, another high-class suburb of Dallas which also used to be whites-only. It was still whites-only when George W. Bush lived there (though not by any formal rules, as far as I know) and the first black family wasn't able to move in until 2003.

Did Bush ever object to the whites-only character of Highland Park while he lived there? Did he object to the history of harassment of black people who were just traveling through the area? Did he do anything to help make Highland Park more racially integrated? Well, I think we just have to look at the color spectrum on display at GOP events like the Republican National Convention to get an idea of the leadership George W. Bush is able to provide on racial issues. Would there ever have even been desegregation had people like Bush been leading the country during the 1950s and 1960s?

To be fair to Bush — and given how bad his situation is, he needs all the help he can get — there are a lot more former "whites only" suburbs around the nation than most people realize. You may even live in one without knowing it. Some were officially whites only, with laws kicking out all non-whites once the sun set (thus the name "sundown towns"), while others simply applied unofficial harassment and inconvenience to keep out "undesirable" elements. These undesirables included non-whites first and foremost, but could also included whites who were too poor to fit in, Jews, potential communists, and anyone else who might disturb the peaceful tranquility of middle-class, white, Protestant life.

The effects of this sort of systematic racism all over the country are difficult to underestimate — and they still influence American society even today. For one thing, it was a good way to ensure that only the "right sort" of people who wanted to flee the cities could actually do so. Blacks, Asians, Jews, and others who may have had the financial means to move to the suburbs were denied the opportunity. Dave Neiwert quotes James Loewen's book Sundown Towns: A Hidden Dimension of American Racism:

Once they get into the NIMBY mind-set, they try to keep out any problem or "problem group," pawning off their own social problems of central cities and multiracial, multiclass inner suburbs. Consider those members of society who are dramatically downward mobile — some alcoholics and drug addicts; some Downs syndrome children; many schizophrenics; elderly people whose illness and incapacity have exhausted their resources and their relatives; employees fired when an industry downsizes and no one wants their skills. Every social class — even the most affluent — generates some of these people.

Elite sundown suburbs offer no facilities to house, treat, or comfort such people — no halfway houses for the mentally ill or ex-criminals, no residential drug treatment facilities, no public housing, often not even assisted-living complexes for the elderly or persons with disabilities. This is no accident. Elite white suburbanites don't want such facilities in their neighborhoods and have the prestige, money, and knowledge to make their objections count. "Without such homes, people with mental illnesses often wind up homeless, especially in wealthy areas," according to an AP article telling how an elite white neighborhood in Greenwich, Connecticut, blocked a halfway house for years.

When sundown suburbanites do become homeless, they simply have to leave. Most sundown suburbs do not allow homeless people to spend the night on their streets, and of course they provide no shelters for them. "In suburban jurisdictions," said Nan Roman, of the National Alliance to End Homelessness, in 2000, "there is no sense that these are our people." Community leaders worry that if their suburb provides services, that will only bring more homeless people to their town because no other suburb does. The result, nationally, is that cities provide 49% of all homeless assistance programs, suburbs 19%, and rural areas 32%. Yet suburbs have more people than cities and rural areas combined. Less affluent inner suburbs and central cities must cope with the downwardly mobile people that more affluent sundown suburbs produce, as well as with their own. These social problems burden cities twice. ...

[Thomas and Mary Edsall, in Chain Reaction] point out that the principle of self-interest explains what otherwise might seem to be an ideological contradiction: sundown suburbanites usually try to minimize expenditures by the state and federal governments, but locally they favor "increased suburban and county expenditures, guaranteeing the highest possible return to themselves on their tax dollars." The Edsalls cite Gwinnett County, Georgia, as an example. Gwinnett, east of Atlanta, is "one of the fastest growing suburban jurisdictions in the nation, heavily Republican (75.5% for Bush [senior]), affluent, and white (96.6%)." Its residents "have been willing to tax and spend on their own behalf as liberally as any Democrats." Such within-county expenditures increase the inequality between white suburbs and interracial cities. They do nothing to redress or pay for the ways that Gwinnett residents use and rely upon Atlanta and its public services.


This is the world George W. Bush came from. This is the world that made him who he is today. It's the sort of world Bush sought to create for all of America because it was the only world he knew and he thought it was good. It's also the sort of world he is returning to, a favored son who did right by his wealthy white neighbors and who therefore probably expects to be welcomed back into the fortified enclave with open arms. Maybe he will be — and they can keep him as far as I'm concerned. We should just chain the doors after they shut behind him so no more of their "favored sons" are let loose on an ignorant public again.


Saturday, December 13, 2008

Department of Book Reports: There's still time to ship, but it might cost ya...


Those clever folks over at Indie Bound have written my favorite slogan for the holiday season: "Books. Because a scented candle never changed anybody's life."

It has amused me to see that giving used books as gifts is now acceptable, although bookstores are tipped to possible givers by their pleas of "Is it in pristine condition?"

The Pacific Northwest Booksellers announce the short list of nominees for the annual awards. There is an "I told you so! moment".
American Buffalo: In Search of a Lost Icon by Steven Rinella of Anchorage, AK; Spiegel & Grau,
The Art of Racing in the Rain: a Novel by Garth Stein of Seattle, WA; Harper ...earlier version
Conquistador: Hernán Cortés, King Montezuma, and the Last Stand of the Aztecs by Buddy Levy of Northern Idaho; Bantam Books,
The Eleventh Man by Ivan Doig of Seattle, WA; Harcourt, Inc.
The English Major by Jim Harrison of Montana; Grove Press
Guernica: A Novel by Dave Boling of Tacoma, WA; Bloomsbury
The Jewel of Medina: A Novel by Sherry Jones of Spokane, WA; Beaufort Books
Little Hoot by Jen Corace, Illustrator, of Seattle, WA; Chronicle Books
Selected Poems: 1970-2005 by Floyd Skloot of Portland, OR; Tupelo Press
Shopping for Porcupine: A Life in Arctic Alaska by Seth Kantner of Kotzebu, Alaska; Milkweed Editions
Wild Beauty: Photographs of the Columbia River Gorge, 1867-1957 by Terry Toedtemeier and John Laursen of Portland, OR;
The Northwest Photography Archive & Oregon State University Press
The Wink of the Zenith: The Shaping of a Writer's Life by Floyd Skloot of Portland, OR; University of Nebraska Press

As always, lovely books can be found at your favorite independent bookstore. Jackson Street Books might just have what you're looking for. If you don't see it, do ask . We have many boxes to unpack.

Friday, December 12, 2008

What's up with Winnie

From this week's edition of my hometown paper:

PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent
Kaye Draper and friend Kathy went to see the beautiful Christmas lights on Temple Square and at the Plaza near the temple. “We seemed to have walked a mile,” Kaye says happily, “but it was definitely worth it!” On Thursday, Carolyn Bolton had all the family to Thanksgiving dinner where everyone visited and had fun. Kaye played bingo on Saturday at her apartment complex.
Orson and Jeannette Poulsen celebrated their eighth wedding anniversary at Park City from Friday til Tuesday. Orson’s sister and family joined them and all had a great few days together. Orson and Jeannette did a little Christmas shopping and did a little work on their craft projects. “It was very relaxing; we enjoyed it,” Orson says with a smile.
[...]
Winnie served Thanksgiving dinner out of the Double S Bar Grill. “We were only 9, but everyone ate enough to delight my heart, Winnie laughs. After dinner, Winnie and sons Aaron and Lyle captured a 100-pound pig and put it in the horse trailer to go to the Bear River Animal Hospital on Friday. Pie was then consumed to fill the holes in their stomachs after all that exercise. During the pig catching, April and the kids gathered up the dishes and cleaned the table for Granny.
Clynn and Winnie would like to thank Dr. Ryan Bevan for his help with the pig. It is doing great!

COLLINSTON CABOODLE
Raina Jones
Leader Correspondent
The book group met on Dec. 2, at 7 p.m., at Suzanne McBride’s house. The next readings are the Chris Steward series “The Great and the Terrible.” These are LDS-based books with stories about pre-earth existence and then life on earth.
[...]
Sunnie and Waylon Jones were fortunate enough to go to Disney on Ice with their mom. It was a wonderful show and now little Waylon is really into Donald Duck! The show was the 100 years celebration show and involved nearly all characters of Disney from old to new. Jiminy Cricket was present as were all the princesses and princes, Nemo, Mulan, you name it! They were there. It was a fun time but the cotton candy was way too overpriced!

Of Helmets and Anteaters

Rev. John Castellani
Executive Director
Teen Challenge International

Dear Rev. Castellani,

Congratulations. It looks like one of Teen Challenge's biggest supporters, Jim Ramstad, is being considered to serve as Barack Obama's drug czar. Hopefully, he'll be in a position to mitigate some of the damage a president who moonlights as the Antichrist could do.

While scanning the intertoobs to learn more about your exciting Christ-based drug treatment program, I came across your testimony before Congress a few years back in which you discussed Teen Challenge's work with Jewish kids-- not only did you help them kick their drug habits, you also turned them into what you called "completed Jews."

I'll admit it. I was a bit confused by that term. I mean what's the difference between an "incomplete" and a "completed" Jew anyway? My first thought was that it must be a Jew who has accepted Our Lord Jesus Christ as his personal savior, but then I realized it would be a violation of the First Amendment to use tax money to convert Jews, so it must be something else.

After a little bit more thought, it became obvious to me. It's all about the foreskin--well, for male Jews anyway. You were "completing" these Jews by reversing their circumcisions.

But how are you doing it? Skin grafts? Stretching? I hope not. I'd like to think that a faith-based organization like yours would employ technology derived from the study of creation science. You know what I mean. You anoint the unbeliever's little unbeliever with oil, slowly massaging it to work the anointing oil into the skin. Then you pack the helmet area with mud. After that, it's prayer time--you ask the Lord to work the miracle of Gen. 2:7 and turn the mud into flesh. Next thing you know, you're looking at an anteater rather than a helmet.

Is that how it's done?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Keeping Order Through Torture

The Red Guard of the Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution does not tolerate foul language in our America. Do not utter a profanity as you watch your father drown or the California Highway Patrol will beat and tase you.



Jonathan Turley:
54-year-old Maurizio Biasini went to a Mendocino Beach called Portuguese Beach with his two twin sons, Dario and Andriano Biasini, and fell into the water. The police and fire department refused to go into the choppy water as the father was swept further and further out to sea. When the sons screamed at the officers for not acting and one tried to go into the water, the police tasered one son twice. The father was lost.

The fire department insisted on waiting for the Coast Guard as the distraught sons demanded action and swore at the officers. According to one witness, it was the police that turned the confrontation into a physical matter by grabbing one son around the neck and lifting him off the ground. They then tasered one son who wanted to rescue his father not once but twice. To make matters, the police proceeded to criminally charge the son for . . . you guessed it . . . interfering with a rescue that they refused carry out.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Lobbing Minnelli Cocktails

Dr. Gary Cass
Christian Anti-Defamation Commission

Dear Dr. Cass,

Newt Gingrich is right:
There is a gay and secular fascism in the country that wants to impose its will on the rest of us.
Those of us in anti-homosexual ministries see it everyday as we are vilified for working to deny basic human rights to the unbelievers who refuse to submit to our religious laws.

Let there be no mistake. These homosexuals and secularists are no less fascist than the Germans and Italians of the last century or the radical Islamist Talabanic fascists we fight today. Their legal protests against the imposition of the One True God's will upon them is just as destructive as the institutional violence and murder unleashed by the Sharia or Nuremberg laws.

And as you point out, these infidels even go so far as to mock our Lord and Savior by allowing him to be played by a Jew in a musical that heretically chides our hatred of them.

Worse yet, this Jewish Jesus--who no doubt greets people with an anti-Christian "Happy Holidays" during this holy season--is portrayed eating the most homosexual appetizer imaginable, a shrimp cocktail. No man who is truly committed to living a heterosexual lifestyle would put such pink-fleshed evil between his lips. The very image creates wicked thoughts in a man's mind--thoughts that lead to the kind of temptation that cannot be resisted. It is truely an evil appetizer, a temptation bomb, a minnelli cocktail to be lobbed at the righteous in order to bring them to their knees.

This is the nature of enemy we fight.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Is Charter Communications in Financial Trouble?

Charter Communications has been my internet, phone, and cable TV provider for years? Up until very recently, I've been very happy with their service and have recommended them to friends. That's no longer true. 
Over the last three weeks:
  • My internet has been down a total of ~4 days.
  • Phone and TV have been down a total of ~2 days.
  • I've been on the phone with them ~15 times.
  • I've scheduled 6 technical service appointments with them (cancelled three when service came back up--I work and can't wait around for them).
  • Unsuccessfully tried to pay my bill via their automated payment service 4 times.
  • Tried to pay it via their live tech support 3 times without success (They were able to get their system to work the 4th time)
Right now, I'm posting from a bar, because my internet, phone, and TV are down, yet again. Tommorrow morning I'll miss a half a day of work while I wait for them to show up. If they don't fix it, I'll probably move to Qwest (although their bandwidth is much lower than what I get from Charter when there service is up.)
So what's up with Charter? I've gone years without a problem and now my service is terrible. They even have problems taking my money. 
I'm wondering if they are cutting back on maintenance because they are in financial trouble. 
Anyone else going through this?
How's Qwest's service?

Just a reminder

After reading about National Organization for Marriage Exec Director Brian Brown's latest defense of marriage against the equality menace, I thought it might be a good time to remind everyone that Brown is 110% committed to the heterosexual lifestyle. Really. He is. He's as straight as a South Carolina senior senator, that one. Really. So shut up, dammit.

Clean Creation Technology

Arthur Blessit
Evangelist

Dear Mr. Blessit,


I'll just come right out and say it. Your plan to put a cross into orbit is misguided.By your own admission, no one will be able to see it. What purpose does that serve? What is the value of a cross that can't be seen?

I want you to do something. Please go outside on Christmas Eve, the night before one of our holiest holidays,and look at the moon. Do you know what you'll see? It won't be a cross; it'll be a crescent moon, the symbol of Islam. Everyone in the Northern Hemisphere will see it. How can an invisible cross beat that?

Forget about your puny dream of launching a little girly-cross into orbit. Your plan needs to be much more ambitious if you're going to upstage the Muslims. Think big; launch a project to sculpt the moon into a giant cross.

Yes, I know it sounds too expensive to carry out, and that'd be true if you limited your approach to the use of secular technology. But you're an evangelist, damn it. You can cut a lot of the cost by employing the many faith-based technologies we've acquired from the pure research being conducted in the field of creation science.

Think about it. If God can create man out of a wad of clay and woman out of a rib, He can build a space station, an arsenal of sculpting nukes, and the spacecraft to transport it all out of a really big pile of dirt. The only thing needed beyond that is a whole crapload of faith.

And thanks to the good people behind Clean Coal, we can find both a big pile of dirt and a concentration of faith in the same place, the national mountain top removal clean coal mining and Christian soul-saving paradise that stretches across parts of Tennessee, Kentucky, West Virginia, and Virginia. There's lots of dirt there--they've filled whole valleys with mine tailings--and there's even more God-fearing conservative evangelicals. It's the perfect place for a faith and creation based space program.

I'm sure the clean coal people would be happy to donate their former mountain tops to the project. Their environmental strategies have always been faith-based. And Lord knows, the locals will jump at the chance to prove creation science's validity. All they need is someone to lead them in prayer. You're obviously that guy.

There you have it, a plan for a project that boldly announces to the universe that Earth is a Christian planet. now, get 'er done.

Heterosexually yours, 

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Monday, December 08, 2008

Dangerous Legs

Greg Schwarber
Chief of Police
Middletown, OH

Dear Chief Schwarber,

I'm a little concerned about the lethal force policy you've instituted at your department. Specifically, I wonder if your shoot/don't shoot rules are adequate. For example, was it necessary to draw on and shoot your own leg a few days ago? Couldn't you and your daughter have apprehended it without resorting to lethal force? Wouldn't it have been better to have tased it first? That usually makes my leg comply (although I admit I use a field expedient taser I fashioned out of two fishooks and an extension cord).

But then again, I may not know the whole story. Were you wearing black pants?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Just so wrong