Department of Book Reports

Of course there were books under our tree!
One local favorite that was in high demand this past week is Cliff Mass' The Weather of the Pacific Northwest (University of Washington Press, $29.95). We've been listening to Cliff's Friday weather reports on KUOW for years, it's always been a nice respite from Parka Boy on the teevee screaming about overhyped non-incidents. This year, Cliff has a blogspot that was much more sensible than any of the network hacks, er... forecasters.
Teh kid was very happy to get For Your Consideration, The Firms of Dutton & Riverhead Books Present in the English Language: A Further Compendium of Complete World Knowledge in "The Areas Of My Expertise," Assembled and Illumined by Me, John Hodgman, A Famous Minor Television Personality, Offering More Information Than You Require On Subjects as Diverse as: The Past (as There Is Always More of It), The Future (as There Is Still Some Left), All of the Presidents of the United States, The Secrets of Hollywood, Gambling, The Sport of the Asthmatic Man (Including: Hermit-Crab Racing), Strange Encounters with Aliens, How to Buy a Computer, How to Cook an Owl, and Most Other Subjects (Dutton, $24.95). This follow-up to The Areas of my Expertise picks right up where the first volume left off, on page 237.
DJ Dano got The Pitchfork 500 Our Guide to the Greatest Songs from Punk to the Present (Simon & Schuster, $16.00). This has been getting a lot of book buzz, and rightfully so. Their website looks like a fine place to waste time.

Did you get a book this year? Give a book?

These and other fine volumes can be found at Jackson Street Books and your favorite independent bookstore.

Happy Second Christmas

The Dutch love the Lord so much, they celebrate Jesus' birth for two days instead of one. And when they celebrate, they sing their most popular Christmas song, Flappie. It's a happy little ditty about a father who kills his son's bunny on First Christmas and then is killed by his son on Second Christmas. Translation here (HVJ, Witchy). I think it beats the Hell out of The Little Drummer Boy. 

No Guns, But Kaye Is a Swinging Single

The latest installment of Promontory Pointers has me a bit concerned. There's not a single reference to guns or killing. Is all that weaning they've been up to softened the the good men and women of Promontory?

And whats with all the sexual innuendo about Kaye every week? Is Winnie trying to undermine Miss Draper's position as Relief Society secretary?

From my hometown paper:

PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent

Jim and Starr Mitchell are getting ready for their first Christmas in Promontory. Along with Christmas baking, shopping and chopping wood, they are getting warm again in front of their fire after riding their bikes down the road for great exercise.
Boyd Udy is feeding hay to his horses in the field now. He has been feeding the calves in his corral since he weaned them and he is getting his team ready for feeding the cows in the field soon.
On Monday Kaye Draper joined with the Swinging Singles Square Dance Club for an evening of fast-paced dancing. On Tuesday she attended a Christmas party for the member location department in the Relief Society Building in Salt Lake City. A delicious meal of ham, chicken, shrimp, salad and several kinds of desserts, was served. On Wednesday and Friday, Kaye called bingo during the day, and on Friday evening her apartment complex gave a very special bingo party. Although no food was served the prizes were “extra special” for the winners. On Saturday, Kaye attended her ward Christmas party where all kinds of food and desserts were served and entertainment was great.
On Tuesday, Winnie Richman attended the Temple in Logan and granddaughter Mariah Richman’s piano lesson before her recital on Saturday. Wednesday’s art lesson in Robert’s Arts and Crafts in Clinton got Winnie started on a new painting. There will be no more art until the first of January. On Friday Clynn and Winnie met son Lyle at Maddox Ranch house for his birthday celebration and to enjoy Maddox’s new book – fantastic.
On Saturday, Winnie drove to Brigham to revel in Mariah’s piano recital. Many Christmas selections were played and received enthusiastic audience applause.

He Smokes Mistletoe

NBFH has the goods on Santa.

Happy Holidays

Der Pöpenfuhrer Speaks

More here.

A Special Note Re: Thee Way

This is Jennifer Pomolive, acting CEO of the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution (GC³R).

Most readers know that the views expressed on the General's blog are his own and don't always reflect the views of the GC³R. Such is the case with regard to the General's cartoon about Republican Jesus putting aside partisanship to reach out to Barack Obama so that they might "fuck the gays" together.

The cartoon offended our good friends at Three Way, who believed that the General was advocating that Rick Warren, Obama, and "the gay" engage in some kind of non-heterosexual sandwiching activity. After hours and hours of listening to their crying and wining and the three CD's of songs about livestock they sent to me, I decided it would be best if the GC³R used this blog to officially denounce the cartoon, the General, and non-heterosexual sandwiching activity.

The GC³R has partnered with Three Way on a number of hyper-timid incrementalist bullshit projects - including a community-building effort encouraging men to embrace the cherished Heartland tradition of sharing a communal donkey-wife. We were hoping to enlist Rev. Warren in this effort, but the cartoon may have soured our relationship with him to the point that he will no longer share his donkey, Brittney. We hope that is not the case.

A Little Christmas Music

Looking for Songwriters

The Netrootsislamunistosatanicofascists are seeking donations of MP3 recordings of original songs from musicians for use as part of a collection to be sold to raise funds for Netroots Nation in Second Life. Email submissions to rev.paperboy@gmail.com. the Rev needs an MP3 and a brief amount of artist info - a couple of sentences is enough- and he needs it ASAP in order to get things put together in time for the inauguration. Not all submissions will necessarily end up in the collection, but the Rev will listen to everything sent in and try to whittle it down to a manageable dozen or so tunes.

I can't figure it out either

Like this poster at the Susan B. Anthony List Candidate Fund Project's new blog, TeamSarah.org, I can't figure out why negroes aren't flocking to our Grand Old Party:

And negroes are pretty conventional when t comes to values. Most are rather conservative, which is why I can't understand for the life of me why the vote for democrats.

Christmas comes but once a year (if that)

Rev. T. Scott Christmas
Grace Community Church
Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Rev. Christmas,

I want to commend you for identifying and publicly rebuking the fornicator in your midst. I'm sure she felt very ashamed when you detailed her sinful acts for your congregation. I bet it was particularly humiliating for her to see the expressions on the faces of her two adult children who were present as you singled her out as a slattern and a whore.

No doubt Jesus wept with joy.

The good ladies of Grace Community Church deserve kudos as well. If they hadn't sat outside her house to ascertain if the fornicatress returned home at night, you may have never learned of her sins.

That said, I feel I must rebuke you for failing to apply all the biblically-required sanctions. Specifically, I'm referring to the punishment outlined in Deut. 22:21, or "Fellowship by Stoning" as I like to refer to it. There's no better way to build a bond between congregants than to get them together for a good, old fashioned stoning. Sharing a bloody homicidal experience always brings people closer together.

But you want to do it right. that means good smooth river stones that break bones while minimizing messy lacerations.I mean hey, who wants to take home a jagged rock with bloody bits of flesh on it as a souvenir? 

And since I mentioned souvenirs, I'm pretty sure I can get you stones from the River Jordan for about $300 a pound (plus shipping). Now that'd make it a stoning that'd be cherished for generations. Think about it. Your great great great grandchildren could hold a stone from the River Jordan that you used to rupture a sinner's spleen. Now, that's what I call an heirloom.

And heck, what about those good ladies who helped you out with the spying. It'd be a shame to ban them from the stoning. Yes, I know it isn't exactly Biblical but would it be all that wrong to hook them up with some fake beards. I hear Gary Bauer knows all about beards. Maybe you could introduce him to the ladies.

That takes care of the fornicatress. What about her partner? Is he a member of your congregation? If so, did you do anything about him? You know what I mean. Did you take him out, buy him a few beers, and call him a "sly dog" as you grinned and slapped him on the back?

I hope so.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Why does Pastor Dan hate Republican Jesus

At Street Prophets:

Were it "just" the stuff about Proposition 8, the outcry would be much less, I think. In fact, Prop. 8 is just the tip of the iceberg. Warren is wrong about everything, from torture to stem cells to AIDS to assassinating foreign leaders to Iraq. Everything.

You couldn't ask for a poorer representative of who Obama is or claims to be than Rick Warren. He doesn't have to agree with Obama or progressives on everything, but it'd be nice if he'd agree on something.

Worse are the calls to trust Obama's judgment in the interests of "healing the divisions" in American politics. Some of those are well-intentioned, others are just smug. But they all peddle the same cheap grace: reconciliation without justice. It's more than just insulting to be told to kiss and make up with someone who's sinned against you when they still have their foot on your neck. It's actually wrong, in that it reinforces the original injustice.

Read the whole thing.

My Inner Frenchman chimes in.

Sixteen years ago this week, I was at a Hanukkah Party one of my professors threw just outside of DC. The place was packed with politicos and pundits--people like Frank Luntz and Eleanor Clift. Bill Clinton was the president-elect and the room was buzzing with the news that he'd overturn the ban on gays serving in the military. I remember talking to Fox News Democrat Mort Kondrake about it. He joked that he was all for it as long as they served as cannon fodder (yes, he's perfect for Fox News).

I've thought a lot about the buzz at that party this week. Bill Clinton, the triangulating DLC centrist, came into office fighting for gay rights at a time when civil unions were unthinkable.

Compare that to what we're seeing now. Barack Obama, a man who many thought was at least slightly to the left of Clinton, is entering office at a time when society is much more gay-friendly--even the Mormons have said they would not fight civil unions. Yet Obama selects a homophobe to give the invocation at his inauguration. It's as if he is looking to have a Sister Souljah with gays and those who support their basic human rights.

America's Country Stars Go to War

When Islamunistosatanicfascism raises it heretical head, the stars of country music go to war. That's the message I received when I picked up my special edition copy of Salute to America And Our Troops ($3.49--available until Dec. 31st) at the local Piggly Wiggly.

Toby Keith went beyond the call of duty in his service to God and country. He told world Islamunistosatanicfascism to go straight to h-e-double-toothpicks by gaining no less than 100 lbs between shooting the cover and doing a little happy dance for our grateful troops. Take that Osama bin Dixie Chick!


And Tracy Byrd, Big Kenny "I'm Not Compensating" Alpin, and Aaron Tipton fight the enemy by getting plane rides. Charley Daniels takes another approach--he airs out his crotch for victory.

Barbara Mandrell and Danielle Peck defend America by skydiving.

A whole host of country music's greatest stars strike fear into the hearts of America's adversaries by painting their guitars in the colors of Old Glory.




Alan Jackson, Brad "I'm not a DFH despite my name" Paisley, Aaron Tipton, Garth Brooks, Toby Keith, the late Buck Owens, Brooks & Dunn, Troy "I Kilt An Old, Caged Bear For Jesus" Gentry, and Charlie "I Love To Air Out My Crotch" Daniels ain't afraid to paint their axes for a quick buck and a great photo.

But most importantly of all, our country music patriots know that we can't fight a war without a huge arsenal of chauvinistic, xenophobic, emotionally-exploitative hit songs.

How Do I Fuck My Base? Let Me Count The Ways.

How Do I Fuck My Base? Let Me Count The Ways.
A poem by Barack Obama

How do I fuck my base.
Let me count the ways?
I fuck them by reaching out to homophobic pastors
and the bigoted throngs they represent.
I fuck them by embracing war-mongering apparatchiks
and the neo-con wet dreams they blindly followed.
I fuck them by allowing war-criminals and torturers
to  escape the punishment they so richly deserve.
I fuck them by endorsing domestic spying
and allowing the telecoms to profit from their complicity.
I fuck them and smile 
as I reach out to everyone but them.

Republican Jesus: Four More Years

Too bad he wasn't a Palin family associate

I'm thinking God rewarded Sarah Palin for her faith by stepping in and telling the police to withhold information about Sherry L. Johnston's arrest. So don't go blaming the police for not withholding information about Justin McIntyre--obviously, he doesn't have connections to good church-going folk.

Her arrest:

A 42-year-old Wasilla woman was arrested Thursday at her home by Alaska State Troopers with a search warrant in an undercover drug investigation. Sherry L. Johnston was charged with six felony counts of misconduct involving a controlled substance.

[...]

Troopers released no other information, including the kind or amount of drugs, because details could jeopardize an ongoing investigation, spokeswoman Megan Peters said.

His arrest:

Alaska State Troopers reported that police in Valdez made an arrest Saturday in a case involving the first Methcathinone lab discovered by law enforcement in Alaska.
Police discovered a small marijuana grow operation, various types of drug paraphernalia, and boxes containing chemicals and laboratory-grade glassware during a search Thursday of an apartment in downtown Valdez. They contacted the Mat-Su Narcotic Unit for assistance with the chemicals, which police called "suspicious," according to the troopers.

A second search Saturday involving the narcotics unit and city police turned up further evidence of a meth lab, troopers said.

Justin McIntyre, 18, the supposed tenant of the apartment, was arrested on charges of misconduct involving a controlled substance and theft. He was lodged at the Valdez Regional Jail and bail was set at $25,000.