Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Monday, November 30, 2009

They're "Digg[ing] my Palin book review

Please give it a bump.

A helmet tip to a Alec Baldwin.

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Holiday Terrorism

Pastor J. Grant Swank
Columnist Portland Press Herald

Dear Pastor Swank,

On the day after Thanksgiving, we celebrated one of the most holy American holidays, Black Friday. It's supposed to be a day when we celebrate the beginning of the season of our Savior's birth by engaging in the most sacred sacrament of capitalism, the big box store sale riot.

But this year, the spirit of this holy day was horribly violated by the intrusion of Eid, a Muslim festival that celebrates the end of the Haj with the slaughtering of livestock to provide meat to the poor. Yes, you read that right. Not only is it a Muslim holiday, it's a socialist one as well--believers are expected to feed the impoverished.

Worse yet, they slaughter the animals with their own hands while praising God. They don't have the decency to hire a butcher to do it for them like real Americans, somewhere out of sight.

Even one of our greatest temples of profit, Best Buy, succumbed to the temptation to reach out to the non-Christian by wishing the followers of Islam a "happy Eid al-Adha."

And then there's this email you published:
I thought I would let everyone know that I took a deer into Archers Meats in Fishers, Indiana on Friday after Thanksgiving. It is the same place I have taken deer for 20 years.

They told me they couldn’t take my deer today because it was a Muslim holiday and the Muslims were in the BACK SACRIFICING GOATS TO ALLAH.

I repeated back to her slowly and in a shocked tone what she had just said to me.

Then I told her: ‘Shame on you for putting your customers on the back burner and the American Hunter to the side while the people we are at WAR with practice their religion in the back of your building...'

If I wouldn’t have gone to jail I would have gone back to spit on the floor in front of the Muslims and draw my weapon.

This is America. Let’s keep it.
It's a shame this supposedly "good" Second Amendment American let such an assault on Black Friday and hunting go unpunished. One can only conclude that he wickedly harbors a secret respect for the First Amendment and its subversive clauses on religion.

He's your correspondent. He's your friend. It's up to you to punish him for failing to punish the Eid celebrants. You must find him, spit on him, and then gun him down.

It's what Jesus and Adam Smith would do.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Please vote

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog! My site was nominated for Best Blog of All Time! My site was nominated for Best Political Blog!

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Where are they now: Rep John Shimkus, Page Pimp for Jesus

You might remember Rep John Shimkus as the Chair of the House Leisure Suit Caucus. He's the guy who organized a slave auction for congressional pages who wanted to date the House's most eligible bachelor, Rep Mark Foley. It was a bold move on his part given his knowledge of Foley's hunger for young teen men.

Now, he's giving sermons on Twitter.

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Department of Book Reports: Carl Sagan Edition

Seattle Tammy and I are relaxing this week for the holidays with good company, fine liquor, and many great things to eat. We have also been watching Cosmos with Carl Sagan on the new-fangled Youtubes. What a great show it was, too. We thought we would share the following segment where Sagan talks of books and libraries. His thirst for and his delight in knowledge is clearly evident and contagious. We need more people like him.
We are thankful for good readers and good friends. May you find wonderful books in the coming year.
Edit update from Danton: Carl Sagan autotuned:

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Friday, November 27, 2009

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "It's morning in America" has died from complications due to the time now being late afternoon--the days grow shorter and shorter until light itself is but a fleeting visitor. The banks have the citizenry by the balls, the military industrial complex is in full career, health insurance companies buy and sell politicians for fun and profit while human beings are denied health care primarily because they need health care. If this is the afterglow of Morning in America I daresay it must have been one hell of a bomb.

In lieu of flowers the family of the deceased Opinion asks that the general public provide ever increasing amounts of money and power, to be handed over to them in all due haste (and without protest) and please keep the goodies coming if you know what's good for you, lest something truly awful comes along and beats you down into a hole so deep you won't be able to crawl out of it, which can be arranged, capiche? Nobody wants that, because that would mean we're Mourning in America...and it could make the children cry. And we don't want to make the young ones cry, do we? I thought so.


The Opinuary Column appears each and every Friday at Jesus' General.



Happy Black Friday

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving from Sarah

We just finished a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with family in Washington State. It's strange being in a foreign country on such a very American holiday, but we made the best of it by setting the table with familiar fare. There is nothing more delicious than a baby seal you've clubbed yourself, and the wolf liver sorbet was better than ever. Todd's so happy, he doesn't even mind peeing indoors. I'm thankful for that.

I'm thankful for a great many things on this day.

I'm thankful the General allowed me to post on his blog.

I'm thankful I've finally seen Levi's wang and that my likeness is not tattooed upon it.

I'm thankful that at least 27% of Americans will believe anything.

I'm thankful I rank in the 28th percentile for intelligence.

I'm thankful I have Bristol to raise my baby, Trig.

I'm thankful Trig doesn't look like Todd's business partner.

I'm thankful that Sen. John McCain never admits to making mistakes.

I'm thankful my ghost writer never learned the joys of quitting.

I'm thankful no one told Todd about Viagra.

I'm thankful I can quit being thankful now.

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Joe Lieberman's Thanksgiving Dinner

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Poke not the short in their eyes

Jules Moore
Youth Pastor
The Father's House

Dear Pastor Moore,

I'm what you might call a fan of old school rap. You know what I mean, like that song, The Rapper by The Jaggerz. But I have to tell you, I'm loving this "Christian Side Hug" rap thing your youth group is doing. Man, is it groovy!

I think you're on to something here. Your youth group has the talent to make morality-promoting hip hop its own genre. Just look at them. They really sell the idea that frontal hugs are a form of fornication and a hug from behind is outright sodomy. And the song's threat that such acts will solidify the “Democratic shift in Congress” is as scary as a working man with health care.

I also enjoyed the subtle anti-masturbation message in the parts where they grab their thingies. It's like they go for one stroke and then quickly let loose as if the Lord, God of Abraham, had seared their palms with fiery hair.

Still, it could have been better. I'm not sure a side hug is the most chaste form of contact. I get all sorts of wicked thoughts just thinking about it. It's why I'm banned from three legged races. Dammit, I didn't mean to poke the Pastor in the eye with my mighty rod of hope, and he shouldn't have been kneeling on the finish line anyway.

You should go with a greeting that is a little less sexually arousing--perhaps something biblical, like when that woman washed Jesus' feet with her hair. Nothing sexual about that. I'm sure Jesus didn't accidentally poke a little person in the eye afterward; His little Redeemer just flopped around in his drawers while he kicked back and had a smoke.

That's the kind of contact your youth group should be promoting.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

ps: Please keep an eye on that one assistant youth pastor. He looks kind of funny to me.

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Sucking it up for Jesus

Sen. Chris Buttars
Utah State Senate

Dear Sen. Buttars,

You warned us awhile back that the gay is "the greatest threat to America going down,” and now, unfortunately, it looks like you're fulfilling your own prophecy.

It must have been very hard for you to admit, "I don’t want ‘em stuffing it down my throat all the time." But it's important for you to know you're not alone; it's a humiliation many of us have to swallow every day.

It happens to me every time I go to my favorite biker bar, The Manhole. It's a manly kind of place. Everyone wears the meanest-looking leathers you've ever seen. But in the bathroom, there's this curious hole in the end stall's wall. It's a couple of inches in diameter and placed a little below belt level. I always peek into it to see what's on the other side, but every time I get my face down there, some guy pokes his little biker through it and into my mouth.

Now I'm not stupid. I know he wants me to give him one of those things they call a "blow job," so I outwit him by sucking as hard I can--I mean really sucking hard; so hard I steal his essence. It must hurt like hell. The moaning is horrendous. Heck, it's such an unpleasant experience, a lot of them start praying to the Lord for forgiveness, breathlessly shouting ooooooooooh God, oooooooh God, oh God, Jesus, God, before I'm finished with them.

It's a lot like fellowshipping if you think about it.

You might give it a try.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: The Buttars Legacy.

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Orderliness is Next to Godliness

And, by God, we will have order:

An Arkansas cop has been suspended after tasering a ten-year-old girl who repeatedly "screamed, kicked and resisted" when her mother attempted to get her to have a shower before bed.

In the old days, they'd let us stone her.

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Sarah Palin & Carrie Prejean: The Future of the Republican Party?

Sarah Palin & Carrie Prejean: The Future of the Republican Party?
Image © Austin Cline
Click for full-sized Image
More Propaganda Posters

How many Republicans do you suppose are looking forward to the possibility of Sarah Palin getting in bed with Carrie Prejean for the 2012 presidential race? None of the likely male Republican candidates can possibly measure up to pairing of Palin and Prejean — they don't have what it takes to satisfy the challenge posed by even one woman, much less two at the same time! Sarah Palin has yet to publicly come out and proclaim her preference for Carrie Prejean, but that won't stop conservative pundits from speculating wildly about the most important political question of our time: who will be on top, Palin or Prejean?

I'm sure most conservatives will expect that Sarah Palin will insist on being on top, and she certainly has the cojones for it. Anyone who can spin such reckless fiction about the 2008 campaign — despite knowing how many people will quickly step up to provide the truth — won't hesitate to take the reins in a new partnership. Carrie Prejean, however, is well known for being able to take care of herself and she doesn't need Palin to reach a summit, political or otherwise.

Lipstick Candidates

Republican men are surely thinking that it's about time that we had women on the top and on the bottom of a presidential pairing. Republicans are lucky that Palin and Prejean were both thrust upon the national stage, becoming unexpected heroines of the conservative movement. They may not have a lot of experience, but only the liberal elites think that education or experience translates into good job performance. Palin and Prejean have demonstrated that they possess the one tool that today's conservatives trust to get the job done: a massive, rock-hard dedication to America.

They also have that one attribute which conservatives today expect from women: the willingness to simply repeat back what they've been told to believe rather than offer new, independent ideas. As John Stewart noted about Sarah Palin, when you peel back the onion layers there's no onion there — all you find is a list of Republican talking points on infinite repeat. This makes them little more than an empty vessel into which male Republicans can pour their fantasies, political or otherwise.

Conservatives have been sounding the alarm about how their nation has been stolen, but now they can look forward to an America where even Republicans who wear lipstick are more butch than the soft, limp-wristed liberals. Conservatives know that Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean are a couple who will plunge into an problem no matter how sticky, who will reach around to grab hold of whatever resources are needed to get the job done, and who will finish what they start rather than run away, leaving a job only half completed.

Elligible, Schmelligible

Liberal elites will point out that Carrie Prejean isn't eligible for the presidency and thus can't even be picked as a vice-presidential candidate, but conservatives won't be impressed by big fancy words like how her "age" is too "low" for the presidency. They will perceive such "fact" checking as symptom of misogyny because liberals don't want to see a (beauty) Queen in the White House. Liberals couldn't stand King George W. and we can expect even worse derangement in the face of a Queen. Liberals are the real misogynists for expecting something more than just good looks from female political candidates.

Carrie Prejean may be a little young, but Democrats shouldn't dismiss her popularity. If a secret Muslim from Kenya can steal the presidency with the help of ACORN, surely a Queen with great bone structure can get elected with the support of tea-bagging Guy Fawkers under the leadership of one Dick Armey. Once they peg Palin and Prejean as their preferred candidates, they'll heed the call to strap on in defense of God, America, and the Second Amendment.

And you know that once Carrie Prejean is in office, Democrat law "makers" won't be able to get her out again. They don't have the political will to investigate any of the crimes of a president who has already left office, so how will they work up the courage to investigate a sitting president or vice-president? Carrie Prejean will be seen as a safe choice because liberals will have so much trouble criticizing her without looking like bullies. Even though her popularity in conservative circles is dependent upon her ability to simply fill a fantasy role, liberals who raise concern over any lack of substance can be tarred as misogynists.

Sloppy Seconds

Of course, Sarah Palin has to prepare for even a worst-case scenario in case Carre Prejean can't join her, which will mean going to her second choice: Glenn Beck. There won't be any question in this pairing as to who will be on top, but I don't think that weepy Glenn Beck will gag much when he has to swallow his pride. He may even come to realize how many advantages there are serving under a woman like Sarah Palin. He should, for example, be able to get to the bottom of all the hidden propaganda which Democrat politicians keep slipping in capital's architecture when the lights go out.

If you're worried about someone like Glenn Beck being a heartbeat away from the presidency, though, you can rest easy. Sarah Palin will keep Beck so tied up in knots that he won't be able to take the reins himself, and so the presidency will pass to the person who will be that point be the Speaker of the House: Carrie Prejean! So everything will turn out alright in the end and America will live happily ever after.

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Department of Book Reports: Going Bovine

If you know Libba Bray from her Gemma Doyle trilogy, you may be in for a surprise here. Going Bovine (Delacourte, $17.99)

16 year old Cameron just wants to get out of high school, with as little effort as possible. When he is diagnosed with Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, even that is out. Once regarded as a loser, now his classmates are eager to show their love and support at a Student Rally. As he lies in the hospital visitors drop by and give him advice, pray for his soul and play video games.

Dulcie has stopped by with a challenge, follow the feather clues to find Dr. X who may have a cure, and close the wormhole in the space-time continuim to save the world, and bring back the greatest Inuit rock band of all time, The Copenhagen Interpretation. Dulcie is a cute, pixie faced punk with the softest of wings. Or is she another hallucination?

Cameron talks fellow schoolmate Gonzo, a hypochondriac dwarf, into accompanying him on the trip and they are off to Disney World! Along the way they'll pick up a Garden Gnome who is actually the embodiment of the Norse god Balder and really resents being hauled around the world posing for vacation pictures. There's a detour to Party House!, YA TV's annual spring break televised humiliation fest to rescue Balder, who has been kidnapped by frat boys who want to pose with him in front of, what else, tourist attractions.

This wild ride has everything! Mad Cow disease, String Theory, Hallucinations, Road Trips, the Haldron Collider, the Higgs Field, Snow Globes, Jazz and Don Quixote. It asks the eternal question: "Why does micro-wave popcorn taste so good?" It's not going to end well for Cameron, but Libba is honest with her readers and finishes the book on a hopeful, lovely theme. I do recommend this for a mature teen reader, simply for the honesty with which the real life topics are addressed, but as a parent I can tell you there is nothing here a 15 yo doesn't already know about.

If you can't trust an author in a cow suit, who can you trust?

Bonus video: Libba discusses her virtual skype book tour.

Another cool thing I found while researching this book is the blog LargeHeartedBoy, which asks authors for the playlist they listen to while writing.

As a bookseller, I would be remiss not to point you at the Literary Review's annual Bad Sex Award. On a shortlist of 10, singer Nick Cave was picked for his second novel The Death of Bunny Munro, about a sex-obsessed door-to-door salesman. "Frankly we would have been offended if he wasn't shortlisted," said Anna Frame at his publisher Canongate.

Read these if you dare:
Paul Theroux for A Dead Hand

Nick Cave for The Death of Bunny Munro

Philip Roth for The Humbling

Jonathan Littell for The Kindly Ones

Amos Oz for Rhyming Life and Death

John Banville for The Infinities

Anthony Quinn for The Rescue Man

Simon Van Booy for Love Begins in Winter

Sanjida O'Connell for The Naked Name of Love

Richard Milward for Ten Storey Love SongI have a special offer for orders placed here: enter the code FOG (stands for Friends Of the General) in the "ask the bookseller a question" tab, and I'll include a free Advance Reading Copy of something delightful. (we're having technical difficulties today. Links are fixed now.)

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "The heart and soul of a country are under the dominion of its most cynical, manipulative power brokers" has died, having been struck by the smallest beam of illumination, the cleansing light of self-reflection. True, the "heart and soul" of the abstraction known as "Real America" is often up for grabs among the hucksters, demagogues and snake oil salesmen who exploit it for all its worth, but for the time being the grab is too weak, too desperate, too unhinged. The FOX may be in the hen house, but seeing as how he is dangerously exposed it is possible he will be pecked to death. At the very least his gnads could be gored.

The Opinion was born and raised in the land of unfettered rapaciousness, where it lived as it pleased and took whatever it wanted. It built the dream and stained the bed, and did it cheaply with slave labor, before and after the War Between the States. It proclaimed the exceptionalism of America, editing out the parts it didn't cotton to, until a time came when ignoring the demon only put more fire in the belly, fire that nearly destroyed the entire nation. What was sold as freedom was bought in caskets and misery, and many a family wept itself to sleep.

In our time, the Opinion has been bought and paid for by those who live as royalty, who wave the flag and their checkbooks in unison, a blur of patriotism and profit. Take heart: there are still those who feel the nation has a purpose beyond gaining mere capital and power, a purpose as an experiment in justice and democratic rule so powerful that the possibilities and potential of all could be vouchsafed, if only as the faintest of hopes in our common dream of democracy. It was in this myth that the greatest power of America lay, for though the advance was slow it was dedicated, though it was outspent it was not denied, though it was shouted down it would not stay silent. The greatest myth of all, the one beginning with We hold these truths to be self evident, survived regardless of the thorough malevolence of its adversaries, and endures as a wise reminder, the brassiet brass ring of all. It is always there, waiting.

A nation's creation mythology is important for a time, but like all myths must eventually be discarded and replaced by something that smacks of reality, of objective accounting, and ultimately of reckoning. Here in America, where the center cannot hold any more than anywhere else in the Universe, the violence that haunts us will still play out, the passion of fear-based belief will still pitch its fits to deny our common humanity, but the ground of what is in the collective gut and heart has been planted with a new crop, a new seed, a new dawn. That seed is you, dear Reader, every single day of your life. Every day that you, a free citizen, consult with your own core, the very essence of your being, and discover anew what is radiantly clear: that Glenn Beck is a malignant, meretricious nutjob and Sarah Palin is a human whoopie cushion--every day that you renew those truths to yourself is a very good day indeed.

In lieu of flowers the family of the deceased Opinion will continue to spend millions and millions of dollars upon lobbyists and media to thwart, befuddle and bludgeon you and yours into a permanently submissive state, except when it suits their purposes for you to march and kill and that sort of thing. I suggest that you be wild instead. Be difficult. Be alive.


The Opinuary Column (now in the morning slot) appears every Friday at Jesus' General for what better way to start your day than to do it reading about death?


Thursday, November 19, 2009

The One True Cure for Breast Cancer

Rev. Flip Benham
Operation Save America

Dear Rev. Benham,

Your expose on the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure was very enlightening. I particularly enjoyed the part where you took them to task for failing to support the one true cure for breast cancer (scroll down):
But it [Susan G. Komen Foundation] will fight to the death those who would dare expose the real cure for breast cancer – child bearing! “But women will be saved through childbearing – if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.” 1 Timothy 2:15.
Have you thought about leading an effort to include a compelled childbirth provision in the preventive care portion of the health care bill? If not, you should.

The provision should require wives to become pregnant in their first year of marriage. Additionally, not-men who stubbornly cling to spinsterhood into their mid-twenties could be drafted into a handmaid corps to receive the health benefits of childbirth by providing children to barren families.

Very little tax money would be needed to fund the handmaid corps. Fines levied against those wives who stubbornly resist conception in that first year should pay for most of it. The rest could be paid by the husbands who receive handmaids. I bet Sen. Vitter would sponsor that part of the bill.

I'd like to get together with you soon to go over our strategy.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: Flip Benham: “Richard Bartholomew has the Spiritual Depth of a Pie Tin”

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Senators prescribe firearms for PTSD and other mental disabilities

As many as 300,000 veterans from the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are afflicted with post traumatic stress disorder and other mental disabilities. The suicide rate for soldiers is now five times higher than in the Persian Gulf War and 11% greater than during Vietnam. Crimes of violence are skyrocketing on military bases, making the surrounding communities some of the most dangerous cities in the country.

Thank God, Senators Burr and Webb have identified the source of the problem: "mentally incapacitated" veterans are angry and frustrated because the Gun Control Act of 1968 bars them from owning firearms.

Yes, that's right, the federal government uses mental competency as a litmus test for whether a person should own a gun or not.

Unbelievable, but that's socialism for you.

Fortunately, Burr, Webb and 18 other senators are sponsoring legislation to right this wrong. The Veterans Second Amendment Protection Act will allow mentally incapacitated vets to buy guns unless a judge diagnoses them to be psychologically unfit to own firearms.

It's nice to see that the Senate isn't spending all it's time on crazy things like a public health care option.

Elsewhere: Sen. Burr wants to protects us from the threat posed by due process.

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

It moved me

This guy has talent.

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

She ain't afraid of no Vietcong king

Update 2: Amazon put it back up. You can cast your vote if you missed it the first time.

Update: It looks like Amazon killed the review. They've done this to me before. I'll appeal it. Sometimes that helps.

I'm sitting in a hospital waiting room right now. My daughter is having her 22nd surgery in 29 years. I'll deal with Amazon tomorrow, but please send your own complaints as well.

Here's my Amazon review of Going Rouge by Sarah Palin. Please consider Giving it a "helpful" vote so that I can continue my string of writing the "Most Helpful Favorable Review[s]" for some of conservatism's greatest authors.
5.0 out of 5 stars Ain't afraid of no Vietcong king, November 17, 2009
By Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews
There are many kinds of truth. There are truths based on facts, truths based on faith, and truths based on something that sounds as if it should be true (truthiness). Then there's the kind of truth we find in Sarah's book: stories and concepts that become truths simply because she states them. She's a lot like our Lord and Savior, Glen Beck, in that respect.

Sometimes, she states truths that would be considered ludicrous if uttered by someone else. Her claim that the McCain campaign forced her to spend $150,000 in RNC funds to dress her family in designer clothes is one example of that. Although it might be easier to believe that she acted like a trailer park Zsa Zsa who'd found a credit card left behind at a possum feed, she blames McCain staffers. That's good enough for us, because we have faith; we want to believe her truths.

But the book isn't perfect. As much as I enjoyed the few short paragraphs in which Mrs Palin laid out her policy objectives, she could have condensed it all into one sentence: "I'm going to grab an Oxo Good Grips Stainless Serving Spatula and go all mavericky on your non-white, non-Christian and non-heterosexual butts."

The book also fails to expose Mrs. Palin's intellectual brilliance and keen grasp of foreign policy issues. Why wasn't the text of her recent speech in Hong Kong included? Although it remains secret, it's rumored that she viciously rebuked the Vietcong king for his assault on the Empire State Building. That's a speech we've been waiting for nearly 75 years to hear. It's big news and should have been included.

As you read other reviews of this book, please remember that Mrs. Palin has many enemies who are eager to pan her work. The Palin family's most potent nemesis, Levi's johnston, is no dpubt fully erect and ready to spew globs of misfortune upon them for a third time. And reason-adoring intellectuals are certain to point out that an interview on Good Morning Topeka doesn't qualify as a policy summit in the Far East.

But a few bad reviews won't stop her. She's seen much worse from her kitchen window. It can't be pleasant to gaze upon Antichristograd every morning as you brew your coffee.

My review isn't complete, but I think I'll quit anyway, because writing reviews, like governing, is just too darned hard to finish.

Elsewhere: My Carrie Prejean review gets a mention in a God damned furrin paper.

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

White Men With Guns Improving the Capitalist Brand

Steven Rowe
Senior Vice President
Northwest Dairy Association

Dear Mr. Rowe,

I see your Darigold dairy products every time I go shopping, but I seldom buy them. I'm not sure why that is, but I suspect it's because of the packaging. It's rather boring and uninviting. Far too staid and traditional to catch the eye.

You should consider a complete redesign--one that captures the essence of what the Northwest Dairy Association and Darigold are all about. You might look to one of your member dairies, Ruby Ridge Dairy Farm, for inspiration. They've created an exciting work environment there:
Romaldo Larios, one of the fired workers, told us that the dairy owner, Dick [Bengen], said "that we are assholes and dumb...He continued screaming, asking why I signed up for the union and the lawsuit...Dick mentioned that he carries a weapon in his truck and that he is going to kill every worker that gives him problems. On one occasion he mentioned that he broke the ribs of an employee and that he ended up in the hospital. All the employees know that he carries that weapon in his truck and in reality we are all scared to risk our lives because Dick will shoot us with his weapon."
All you need to do is package that excitement by placing it on your labels. Imagine milk cartons featuring photos of runaway workers or a cottage cheese lid depicting a cow-riding foreman shooting at a guy in a sombrero. Damn, that'd play well in places like Yakima. You'd sell out your products in no time.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Now for something completely different: I'll be posting my review of Gov. Palin's book as soon as Amazon allows it. Please watch for it here and give it your vote if the spirit moves you.

Back on topic: More capitalist-oriented fare.

Beat kids-Wall street!

zach | MySpace Video

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Columbus go home?

This speaker at the St. Paul anti-Mexican rally is a little confused about our Teabagger values.

More here.

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

GOP Boys' Club: Blaming Women For All Ills

GOP Boys' Club: Blaming Women For All Ills
Image © Austin Cline
Click for full-sized Image
More Propaganda Posters

Patriarchal and misogynistic attitudes have been expressed in an unusually concentrated, open, and unapologetic manner in recent weeks. I don't think it's entirely coincidental that racism and neo-Nazism have also become far more public and unapologetic recently: the separation between "reasonable" conservatism and far-right lunacy is disappearing, with the consequence that the lunacy of the far right is getting more traction, more attention, and more legitimacy.

In the past, the far right could be dismissed politically even as we kept a wary, watchful eye on them. Today, however, the far right has become a more significant political force that has to be dealt with directly. In the long run, we should expect more assaults on basic principles of liberty and equality becoming more mainstream — proposals that were once just found on the fringes will increasingly be treated as "serious" proposals from "serious" conservatives. In the name of bipartisanship, liberals will be expected to find common ground with this extremism for the sake of compromise.

Women Should Be Seen, Not Heard

The idea that women shouldn't have an equal voice in the public sphere should be treated as fringe at best, but it's moving more and more into the conservative mainstream. This may have been expressed most dramatically when conservative Republicans in Congress shouted over female Democrats who tried to use the microphone to give a brief statement. With every woman who tried to have a voice, Republicans led by Tom Price (R-GA) shouted "I object" over and over.

It's not plausible that the attitude driving this behavior is not related to the statement from the National Republican Congressional Committee that Nancy Pelosi needs to be put "in her place." Apparently, leading the House of Representatives is not an appropriate place for a woman, just as the microphone before the House is also not a woman's place.

Come to think of it, women are also sometimes treated as if they shouldn't be seen, either. Every so often another conservative comes out to defend the idea that perhaps women should never have been given the right to vote in the first place — a position that is every bit as "moral" and "reasonable" as suggesting that blacks shouldn't be allowed to vote or that only white men should enjoy basic civil liberties. You can't get much more fringe than this, but it's a view that's been moving into what now counts as the conservative "mainstream."

Barefoot and Pregnant

So once women have been restricted to the home, there isn't much left for them to do than pop out babies and care for them, right? Conservatives are getting better and better at moving the goalposts for what qualifies as the "status quo." In a nation where abortion is increasingly difficult for women to obtain, conservatives want to tighten the noose even more by making it harder for even private insurance companies to offer basic abortion coverage.

Class plays an important role here as well because these problems don't impact wealthy and even middle-class women nearly as much. These women can more easily take off the time for multiple visits required by law, travel the distances required just to reach the nearest abortion provider, and if necessary either pay for a private insurance plan that covers abortion or even just pay for the procedure out of their own pockets.

The working poor, however, are given more and more hurdles to jump in order to obtain a legal medical procedure. Obstacles are directed at these women first because they are easy targets — they can't easily fight back because they lack so many basic resources, also partly due to the efforts of conservatives to concentrate economic, social, and political power in their own hands.

It's worth noting that coverage for medications like Viagra will not be restricted. The cost of Viagra has skyrocketed in recent years and each pill costs far more now than when Viagra was first introduced. A man's desire to get an erection and have sex will continue to be funded by health insurance reform, but the ability of a woman to make decisions about what happens to her own body would be further restricted by the same reform if "reasonable" conservatives get their way.

Inferior Treatment for Inferiors

There's no reason to expect this disparate treatment to end here. If the increased restrictions on abortion become law, why not have increased restrictions on birth control as well? We already know that the anti-choice movement is just as opposed to contraception as it is to abortion, both as a matter of theology and as a matter of policy, so why wouldn't they move to demand that next? The exact same arguments could be used and they would have the exact same degree of validity.

That women should be treated as inferiors, undeserving of equality alongside men, has already been expressed rather openly and directly by Pete Sessions (R-TX). According to Sessions, "we're all different" and smokers pay more for health insurance, so why shouldn't a woman pay more for the same coverage a man gets? Smokers pay more because they have an addiction that damages their health; apparently, being a woman is analogous to a dangerous, debilitating addiction.

It's certainly close enough to justify forcing women to pay more for the same products — and remember, women earn quite a bit less money than men, even when performing the same jobs, so in the end they have even less money for basics like food and rent. Why stop at health insurance, though? Why not charge women more for any basic service? Why not charge women more for housing, food, transportation, and everything else?

Maybe we aren't all that far from conservatives openly suggesting that only white men be allowed to vote and enjoy basic civil liberties. Does anyone want to take bets on how long before this appears, and who steps forward to be the first to say what many are probably thinking?

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Department of Book Reports: The Posthuman Dada Guide, Tzara & Lenin Play Chess

The Posthuman Dada Guide, Tzara & Lenin Play Chess by Andrei Codrescu (Princeton Press $16.95) This delightful volume uses the historical figures of Tristan Tzara, the Romanian poet and V.I. Lenin to look at the split between radical art and ideological revolution in 1916. Zurich had become a haven for artists and other refugees. Hugo Ball rented the Meirei restauraunt to host a Kuntstlerkneipe (cabaret) named Voltaire. Decorated with paintings by Arthur Segal, Pablo Picasso, Wassily Kadinsky, Henri Matisse, Paul Klee, Arturo Giametti, and Otto van Rees. The entertainment included Tristan Tzara reciting and shouting poetry, the chanteuse Emmy Hemmings, and a Russian balalaika band. As the evening wore on, the skits and improvisations became more raucus egged on by the drunken audience, to culminate in Tzara reciting nonsense French and un-rolling a roll of toilet paper with the word "merde" printed on it.

The Swiss cafe culture was a vibrant microcosm of the Bohemian life during these years with Einstein, Joyce, Hans Arp, Carl Jung and Freud.

Codrescu's use of posthuman shows they we have become so integrated with our technologies, we no longer are able to survive the natural world without them. This slim volume is your guide to this new world.

"This is a guide for instructing posthumans in living a Dada life. It is not advisible, nor was it ever, to lead a Dada life. It is and it was always foolish and self-destructive to live a Dada life because a Dada life will include by definition pranks, buffoonery, masking, deranged senses, intoxication, sabotage, taboo breaking, playing childish and/or dangerous games, waking up dead gods, and not taking education seriously. On the other hand, the accidental production of novel objects results occasionally from the practice of Dada."

I love listening to Mr. Codrescu on NPR, and here's an interview this past spring discussing The Posthuman Dada Guide. You can order the book from us and begin your Dada life.

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

Friday, November 13, 2009

This and that

My Amazon review is finally up. It's currently the "Most Helpful Favorable Review." Help me keep it that way by giving it your vote.

More proof that furriners are undermining American morals.

Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "And for what he has done, we know that the killer will be met with justice –- in this world, and the next." has died as a result of a self-inflicted impossibility, for there is no way "to know" about a "next life" for which there is no evidence. Not to put too fine a point on it, but there is ZERO evidence of some other realm in the intimated after-world. None. Zilch. Nada. To state "we know" and to follow that with "the killer will be met with justice--in this world, and the next one" is a gargantuan pile of oratorical horse puckey. True, it may be helpful to remember that this particular intonation of unprovable hogwash has been delivered by our President at a time when our nation needs to be reassured that the facilities where our soldiers are trained to kill brown people are doing just fine, thank you. And if the hanging judge doesn't get you in this life, you still might have your neck snapped in the next! Hip hip hooray!

The Opinion is joined in death by the thousands of veterans and active duty soldiers who kill themselves every year for a variety of reasons--following the President's logic, one reason why our troops are killing themselves with such alacrity could be to gain the opportunity to kill themselves in the next life, you know, to get to the head of the line. Also joining the Opinion in death are the thousands of veterans who perish every year as a result of having no medical insurance. It is widely believed that these veterans will be denied medical care in the next life as well. Just ask Joe Lieberman.

The Opinion is also joined by over a million Iraqis who will be given the chance to greet our newly dead as liberators in the next life, but have been cautioned to drive slowly up to the St. Peter White Zone Check Points and to follow all instructions very, very closely, after which they will be fired upon anyway. It is hoped they will receive justice in the 3rd Incarnation (the next, next life) but only the very religious can say (and you know they will!).

In lieu of flowers, in this life or the next or any other life to follow, friends and family of the late Opinion ask that you wear proudly the chains of spiritual bondage, that you nod your head with great sobriety whenever a national leader invokes Bronze Age dogma, and that you do the hokey pokey and you shake it all about. That, in this life and the next, is what it's all about.


The Opinuary Column appears (in multiple incarnations) Friday afternoons at Jesus' General.