Secret Islamic Messages on Driftglass and Rumproast Blogs

nicedeb
nicedeb's blog

Dear nicedeb,

It's hard to believe you and The Anchoress are losing (you, very badly) in the Weblog Awards voting. After all, your 52 part series exposing the use of Islamic symbols in the Flight 93 Monument and your hard hitting investigative report into children's dolls that make Islamic
statements are examples of some of the finest blogging I've ever seen.

The same goes for The Anchoress's efforts to establish an American theocracy and end the senseless slaughter of billions of Spermatazoan-Americans and Ova-Americans by encouraging policies that will finally rid our nation of "the no-accountability Orgasm."

In an effort to try to understand why someone would choose to vote for such vile libislamunistosatanofascist organs, I surfed over to Rumproast and Driftglass to check them out. At first glance, they seemed to be very well-written satanic screeds, but certainly too evil to be trouncing you so badly.

Then, I noticed my computer fan sounded a little different. I put a microphone next to it and recorded the sound. After processing the recording, I discovered something that sent a chill down my spine: Driftglass and Rumproast are using readers' computer fans to send secret Islamic messages--they are trying to Muslimfy us.

I've placed the recording on Youtube. You can listen to it in the video below; however, it's very difficult to hear in places, so I'm providing a transcript:

Islam is the light.

Fluoridate your water.

Vote for Rumproast.

nicedeb smells of elderberries.

French fries taste better than freedom fries.

Toby Keith has poor hygiene.

Sarah Palin's mother must have dropped a lot of acid.

Guns, big pickups, SUVs, and voting Republican will not make your penis grow any larger.

Islam is bigger than Daryl Worley.

Bill O'Reilly has a limp falafel.

OMG, there are Muslims under your bed. They will give you the Islam while you sleep.

My penis grew an inch after I voted for Driftglass [Yes, I know it sounds like "Rumproast," but trust me, it says "vote for Driftglass."

So there you have it. Mystery solved.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically appropriate kind of way (I just don't want anyone to think I'm The Gay. That's very, very important to me. I'm as straight as Sen. Lindsey Graham, dammit),

Gen, JC Christian, patriot

"Barack Obama is the devil"

And he "is wicked as hell," and he "is a partial birth abortion."

Pastor Anderson, filled with the spirit of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Homer Christ, tells it like it is:



Here's a transcript:

Pastor Anderson: And why do you think this country elected a devil like Barack Obama. Why? Because the news media crammed him down our throats.

Some Libislamunistofascist: What is the devil?

Pastor Anderson: Get the Hell out of here if you don't like this kind of preaching. You know what? Barack Obama is the devil. Barack Obama is a partial birth abortion. If you don't like to hear the truth then get the hell out of my church, because I'm gonna tell ya somethin', because Obama is for partial birth abortion. Barack Obama is a murderer! Barack Obama is wicked as hell! And you cannot let the door hit you on the way out, buddy! Because Barack Obama is wicked and [It cuts off there, but I think Pastor Anderson calls Brother Stucky up to the pulpit, strips off his clothes, anoints him with oil, and wrestles him, naked, in the manner of the ancient Spartan warriors.]

Winnie cheats at pie making...

...and Orson eats a chicken in this week's excerpt from my hometown paper.

PROMONTORY POINTERS

Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent

Orson and Jeannette Poulsen baked a chicken, and added some vegetables for Christmas dinner. “We had a nice, quiet, comfortable home-alone-Christmas,” Orson says happily.
Kaye Draper’s Christmas started Sunday in her ward choir. They were supposed to do the prelude and opening hymns. However, the bishop kept signaling to keep singing. The choir rose to the occasion with many Christmas hymns.
On Monday, Kaye was overjoyed to be visited at home by her niece, Justine Martinig and her two daughters, Lexie and Daisy. Monday evening Kaye went square dancing at the Columbus Senior Center and Library.
Winnie Richman spent Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday finishing Christmas shopping, wrapping and delivering. Thursday Clynn and Winnie’s two sons, Lyle and Aaron and Aaron’s youngest son, Skyler, came to dinner...Winnie usually had a good supply of lard for her pie crusts, but it’s all gone. There were some “store bought” crusts in the freezer so she had to use them. “Next time, I’ll do better,” she says.

A couple of thousand of you are going to Hell.

You did not vote yesterday, as commanded. That makes you "worser" than Barack Obama, the devil, and the government.

Repent or I'll have Brother Stucky visit you.

Update: Libislamunistosatanofascist Driftglass or Godly uber-patriotic contraception opponent The Anchoress? Your vote will decide.

Department of Book Reports: Guilty: Liberal “Victims" and Their Assault on America

When it comes to the book reports, there are three things I don’t normally like to do. First, I don’t report on books I haven’t read; I haven’t read this one, nor do I intend to do so. Second, I won’t report on books I don’t like; SeattleTammy and I are booksellers, dammit, and we are in the business of purveying beauty and protecting the written word. And, third, when it comes to someone like Ms. Coulter, discussing her is, as Senator-Elect Franken once said, like shooting fish in a barrel.

But when the author decides to make a media circus of herself and her own victimhood, all week long, how can I resist? Let’s take a look of some of the gems that are in Ann Coulter’s Guilty: Liberal “Victims” and Their Assault on Liberty (Crown Forum to their utter shame, and at some venues it sells for $27.95):

Coulter says the Democratic primaries were a contest of "Who's the Biggest Pussy?":
[N]one of the Democrats could face questions from Fox News's Brit Hume, the winner turned out to be [Barack] Obama. Hillary [Clinton] claimed to be a victim of Republicans, while Obama claimed to be a victim of Republicans, Hillary, and racists. [Page 79]
Coulter later suggests that Sen. John McCain should also be nominated for this contest [...] [E]vidently McCain was more afraid of the real attack machine: the mainstream media. [...] Say, is it too late to nominate someone else for that "Who's the Biggest Pussy" contest? [Page 88]
Coulter calls children whose parents divorce "future strippers" in a chapter titled "Victim of a Crime? Thank a Single Mother":
We also have a term for the youngsters involved: "the children of divorce," or as I call them, "future strippers." It is a mark of how attractive it is to be a phony victim that divorcées will often claim to belong to the more disreputable category of "single mothers." [Page 36]
Coulter, discussing "Republican turncoats," remarks that "their gender always remains the same. They are women, not limited to the biological sense". [Page 114]
Coulter claims that Obama, actress Halle Berry, and musician Alicia Keys "race bait[ed] their way to success":
In a related phenomenon, various half-black celebrities insist on representing themselves simply as "black" -- the better to race-bait their way to success. Actress Halle Berry, singer Alicia Keys, and matinee idol Barack Obama were all abandoned by their black fathers and raised by their white mothers. But instead of seeing themselves as half-white, they prefer to see the glass as half-black. They all choose to identify with the fathers who ditched them, while insulting the women who struggled to raise them. [Page 7]
Coulter calls former White House press secretary Scott McClellan "retarded" after describing a fictional scene of "washed-up Republican functionaries like McClellan showing up in a basement office at NBC and announcing they want to be rewarded for snitching on a Republican". [Page 118]
Coulter states that New York Times columnist Frank Rich "became qualified to comment on U.S. foreign policy, national security, and presidential politics after spending a childhood dancing his favorite numbers from Oklahoma! in his mother's panties". [Page 198]
Coulter calls Newsweek contributing editor Eleanor Clift a "braying left-wingslattern". [Page 193]
Coulter describes Code Pink co-founders Medea Benjamin and Jodie Evans as "storm troopers" and "satanic dervishes". [Pages 177-178, 179]
Discussing former Virginia Sen. George Allen's calling S.R. Sidarth -- a volunteer who was videotaping Allen for James Webb, Allen's Democratic opponent in 2006 -- "macaca,"Coulter refers to Sidarth and other campaign trackers as "little Nazi block-watchers". [Page 165]

( I totally stole this précis from my buddies, Gottalaff and Paddy, at the terrific The Political Carnival).

What can one say? The logic? Impeccable! The passion? It gets me feeling pretty frisky. The insults? Hilarious!
At this point in our reports, both SeattleTammy and I like to note that the book is available from us at Jackson Street Books, or at other fine independent bookstores. Actually, it isn’t available from us. But, we’re booksellers, dammit, and if you really want it, I will order it and send it to you. The book costs $100.00; shipping will be $75.00. A bit steep, you think? You need to factor in, however, the amount of vomiting that we will have to endure in getting you this tome. If you do that, you know you’re getting a steal.

Evolution/Revolution

My Inner Frenchman thinks Miss Poppy's Inner Frenchwoman nails it.

Oh Zsuzsana

Pastor Steven L. Anderson
Faithful Word Baptist Church

Dear Pastor Anderson,

I have a confession to make. I've spent a lot of time investigating your Church over the last few days and I'm a little jealous of you.

You have it all: the guts to take a stand against the hidden scourge of sitzpinkling; an assistant who isn't afraid to rebuke Santa's sodomite reindeer or teach a young man how to escape a full mount or a rear naked choke; and a wife, Zsuzsana, who is training up your children in the ways of Our Lord.

I found an example of the latter at Zsuzsana's blog. It's in a story about a recent shopping trip she made with your four and five-year-old sons. Heck, I'll let her tell it:

My kids had the following conversation at the store yesterday, very loudly, and within ear shot of several other customers:

John (4 years old): Barack Obama, and the devil, and the government are worser than anything else in the world.

Isaac (5 years old): Mom, John actually told me that he thinks Barack Obama is worse than the faggots.

Ah, precious moments!

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. - Proverbs 22:6

I'm very impressed by that exchange. Not only do the children identify whom they hate, but they also attempt to rank the people and groups according to the level of hatred each deserve. That's fairly sophisticated thinking for that age group. At this rate, they'll be ready for a pair of steel-toed witnessing boots by the time they hit seven.

But, I'm also very curious about how you taught them to hate The Gay. After all, as Christians, we define homosexuality as a behavior rather than an intrinsic characteristic--so you couldn't really say something like, "they are men who love men," because loving is not, in itself, a behavior. So how did you do it? Did you really sit your 4-year-old and 5-year-old down and explain various homosexual sex acts to them?

Do you offer that kind of instruction at church? Has Brother Stucky made a video?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Eveyone reading this...

...has to vote today. It's your duty. No, it's an order, damn it.

Come on, do it. If every reader voted, I'd win this thing by a huge margin (assuming you voted for me; which, of course, you would or risk an eternity in Hell).

Spartan Style Wrestling or Butt Stucky Orgy?

Brother Matthew Stucky
Guest Pastor
Online Media Coordinator
Faithful Word Baptist Church

Dear Brother Stucky,

Yesterday, I wrote Pastor Anderson an email praising you for outing Santa's sodomite reindeer and for advocating the execution of those whose love you disapprove.

But there was something else I addressed in that letter that began to bother me after I thought about it a bit. It was about your sermon called "Purge Out the Liberals." In it, you called Gomer Pyle a "faggot." That upsets me. Cpl. Pyle was a Marine, and damn it, I won't stand by silently while some non-serving mama's boy attacks the Corps. It just ain't right.

That got me to wondering if you are really all you appear to be, so I decided to check out your other writings. I must admit that I was sickened by what I saw. Take this comment you left in response to Pastor Anderson's sermon, "Heman vs. Onan" for instance. In reference to another pastor, you wrote:

I'll show you the lace on his underwear.

That doesn't sound very King James Version biblical to me. How'd you get his lacy underwear, anyway?

And then there's this tale from your blog:

Richie wanted to wrestle me before I left Morgantown but we didn't find time to do it... Cody was wanting to do some sparring with me as well. Cody & I have had a few submission matches back in Morgantown & they both ended in a draw...

Last night I wrestled all 3 of the Wilsons individually. I showed the Wilson boys how to do a triangle choke, an arm in triangle choke, a kimura, & an armbar from the mount. I also showed them how to escape a full mount & how to escape a rear naked choke.

"Submission matches?" "full mounts" "Rear naked chokes?" What in the name of Our Lord, Jesus, are you talking about there? I mean, hey, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with oiling yourself up and wrestling naked with another guy--I do it all the time--but it's all about context. 

There is no moment more sacred than that when two naked warriors grapple in the manner of our ancient Spartan forbears. It's a beautiful experience, one to be cherished and fondly remembered. But there is a fine line between driving your rigid spear of godly domination deep into a fellow warrior's cave of shame and two guys rolling around in some kind of butt stucky orgy. 

Your description of the matches as "submission matches" rather than the more warriorly term, "Spartan style wrestling," prompts me to wonder if these acts leaned a little more to the butt stucky side than would be appropriate.

I want you to think about that for awhile before responding.

I'll be praying for you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Dave von Ebers

And now for something completely different.

It looks like her holiness, the Anchoress, bane of the brown menace, is edging out America-hater Driftglass. Don't forget to vote, every day.

The Ol' Conservative Spirit Lives On

A supporter of über-'Merkin-patriot nicedeb expresses frustration over the Weblog voting results and wonders whatever happened to that ol' conservative election-rigging ingenuity:

Can you include a request for help so that your readers know how to set up proxies

Stoning Blitzen

Pastor Steven L. Anderson
Faithful Word Baptist Church

Dear Pastor Anderson,

I've been a huge fan of you work for quite awhile. Your sermon on the sin of peeing while sitting and the essay in which you accuse male gynecologists of being perverts are two of the finest examples of biblical scholarship I've ever seen.

But perhaps your greatest accomplishment is the way you've shepherded your flock. One congregant, Brother Matthew Stucky, serves as a living example of the good work you're doing. The sermon he gave in your stead while you were in Norway, "Purge Out the Liberals" was about as good a sermon as a god-fearing man could hear anywhere. I particularly liked the part where he called Gomer Pyle a "faggot."

I'm also very impressed with Brother Stucky's blog. I don't think anyone has made a better case for Santa's reindeer being The Gay than he does, here:

Santa's queer reindeer:
Take a look at the names of the 8 reindeer.
Blitzen, Comet, Cupid, Dancer, Dasher, Donder, Prancer and Vixen.

The person who originally came up with these names probably did not have this intent. They probably originally had some of the reindeer as male & some as female. However, the animated movie that was made in 1964 had a different idea. In the movie all 8 of these reindeer were male reindeer. Take a look at those names again. Male reindeer named Dancer, Prancer, Vixen & Cupid?!?!?!

[...]

I think from these names we know Vixen, Dancer, Prancer & Cupid are queer reindeer.

Let's go back to the story from the animated movie with Rudolph. Rudolph gets shy around girls & his nose turns red. As a result, the other reindeer won't let him play any reindeer games. That sounds sick, perverted & homosexual. Basically Rudolph like girls because he is straight & as a result they don't let him participate in their homosexual games.

[...]

According to the Bible homosexuality should be punishable by death. I would be overjoyed if every single queer in the entire world died today. The Bible makes it clear they are reprobates who are past the point of salvation. The Bible also makes it clear they are rapists & very wicked people. They have no chance to get saved and no saved person could ever become a queer. Therefore, I would be overjoyed if they all died tonight & our government would actually follow what the Bible states. The death penalty should be enacted for the queers.

Now that's what I call a powerful Christian sermon.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: I've been excommunicated:

You have been banned from Faithful Word Baptist Church Listeners
Sorry, patriotboy, you can not access Faithful Word Baptist Church Listeners as you have been banned. If you think you've been banned in error, you can contact the administrator.

Where Few Conservatives Have Gone Before

The Honorable Steven M. Berman
Mayor, Gilbert, AZ

Dear Mayor Berman,

As you are no doubt aware, one of of our nation's finest Republicans was arrested recently in your city and charged with drunk driving. His name is Charles Barkley. Yes, that Charles Barkley, the retired basketball player.

On numerous occasions, Mr. Barkley has stated a desire to run for governor in Georgia. A DUI conviction could harm his chances for success. That's why I'm asking you to intervene in his case by appearing before the court as a character witness for him.

Mr. Barkley has an excellent excuse for driving while intoxicated. As he told the officers who arrested him, he was on an important mission, the kind of mission few Republican men are blessed to receive; he was going to put his "little Republican" in a lady's mouth, or as he put it, "I was going to drive around the corner to get a blow job."

Unfortunately, the police officers failed to understand the significance of this event, how rarely such an opportunity occurs for the average conservative man--it's just another example of the sad, sorry plight of the white, Christian male in this country today. You know what I mean. You're a conservative Republican too.

Please do what you can to help Mr. Barkley.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The Doll that Screamed Jihad

I'm very proud to announce that I've been approved to post on "Label That Doll," the official blog of MAMA (Mom's Ask Mattel for Accountability), an organization dedicated to the task of cleansing our nation of dolls that make pro-Islamic statements. This is really quite an honor. It gives me an opportunity to work with one of the angriest wingnozzle supremacists in the nation, MAMA founder Christine Brim. As a key leader of organizations like the Center for Security Policy, the Center for Vigilant Freedom, the Coalition to Stop Shariah, and MAMA, Ms Brim has brought wingnozzlery to levels of unhinged hatred never before achieved (not even by Pamela Atlas Shrugs).

Below, is my first substantive post at Label that Doll. I hope it makes you angry enough to go out in the street and loudly accuse random people of being "tools of the caliphate."

I consider myself to be the ultimate skeptic--if Shawn Hannity isn't talking about it, it's probably not true. That's what I thought when I first started hearing about these Mattel dolls praising Islam. But as I heard more of these tales, like the one out of Beaufort, SC, last week, I started to wonder of there might be something to it. 

So yesterday, when I went down to Wal-Mart to demand that they hire Alberto Gonzales as a greeter, I stopped by the toy section and bought one of those dolls. I just had to see for myself if it was true.

Mind you, I was very careful. I took all the precautions I usually take whenever I'm doin' a little experimentin'. I stripped down to nothing, rubbed honey all over my body, poured a few boxes of cornflakes onto the floor and rolled in it, and then let the squirrels out of their cage.

Finally ready, I removed the doll from her box and began my examination. I'll admit it. It was rather hard to understand what she was saying, but the first try yielded something that sounded like "Pompitous of love."

"What the H-E-double-toothpicks, " I thought. "What's a pompitous--that makes no sense at all."

So I tried again, and heard what sounded like, "Bill O'Reilly has a rotting falafel." There, that sounded kind of Muslim, but it also had a ring of truth to it--I mean, heck, I bet it drips--and I was looking to hear Islamic lies.

I was getting a bit worried now. I hate exposing myself to such potential evil, and the squirrels were alerting me that my time was nearly up--they chattered excitedly like they do when they discover a cache of nuts.

I gave it one more shot. This time, the doll uttered one of the most anti-Semitic phrases I think I've ever heard: "collective punishment is a war crime."

Bingo!