To Protect and To Serve

King County (Seattle area) deputy doesn't take any guff from teenage girls.



Seattle Tammy left this in comments:

I've been following this in the Seattle P.I., yesterday they gave a little background on Officer Schene:

Schene had previously been in the news in 2006 after he fatally shot Pedro Jo, a mentally ill man, during a struggle after a traffic stop on Interstate 5. It was the second officer-involved shooting of his career.

An inquest jury ruled the shooting was justified. Jo viciously attacked Schene, trying to strangle him with his own radio cord.

Jo then ran back to his car and disobeyed Schene's orders to stop. Schene said he saw Jo reach for something in the seat, so Schene fired 11 times after Jo ran back to his car.

Shortly after the shooting while on administrative leave, Schene was stopped for driving under the influence.

He had been drinking and taking prescription medication, according to court records. He received a deferred sentence and was placed on probation, records show.

For those viewers with a strong stomach, they have stitched together 11 minutes of video, showing before and the paramedics visit afterwards.

Department of Book Reports: Who Hates Whom?

Do you ever get confused about what the heck is going on in the world? Are you wondering what is going on in Korea, Sri Lanka, Nepal, Somalia or Kosovo? Well, have I the book for you.

Bob Harris’ book Who Hates Whom? Well-Armed Fanatics, Intractable Conflicts, and Various Things Blowing Up: A Woefully Incomplete Guide (Three Rivers Press $11.95) gives the reader a good account of the world’s trouble spots. His chapters offer concise information on most of the raging conflicts and does so by giving historical context as well as describing them with both humor and compassion.

By way of example, in discussing the on-going Basque separatists in Spain, Harris writes:
“…Franco’s fascist regime ruled with an iron grip until 1975, when his persistent death brought Saturday Night Live into power in the U.S. However, Franco’s intended successor had been killed by car bomb planted by Basque separatists. As a replacement dictator, Franco designated Juan Carlos I, a descendent of every blueblood from Queen Victoria to Burger King.”

Other things the reader might learn include where Waziristan, Bangsamoro, Kurdistan, Ituri, Baluchistan and Jubaland are located. Or which royal family were respected as gods, until the crown prince gunned down the king and queen. Or in which bodies of water are the world’s most active pirates.

Harris previously penned Prisoner of Trebekistan: A Decade in Jeopardy!, a rather loving look at his obsession with that quiz show and his participation as a contestant.

Who Hates Whom? is available at Jackson Street Books and other fine independent bookstores.

democommie could not participate in this book report as he is busy instigating third world revolutions.

Dobson resigns

Wants to spend more time beating his dachshund.

Reporting on CPAC

I'll be twittering my reports throughout the conference.

An Even Newer Testament

God came to my bed and spoke to me last night. It was rather disconcerting at first because He had taken the form of a watermelon, but after I figured out who it was, it became the most wonderfully glorious experience I've ever had.

He told me that the New Testament made him sound like a wussy and commanded me to update the Bible with an even newer testament.

Of course I started right away.

The Book of Beginningsth

Chapter 1: Wherein God Appeareth to Me

1. It wasth on an evening in 2009 of the year of our Lord, that I layeth upon my bed and did thinketh many thoughts of teevee wrestling.

2. Seeing that mine wife, OfJoshua, waseth sleeping, I reachethed for mine mason jar and beganeth my nightly obligation of liberation.

3. Then suddenly, a watermelon of exceeding fairness did appear before me and, I, now true and fully consumed with thee divine fervor of liberation, did reacheth out and did swiftly draw it deep unto mine loins.

4. But, yea! Just then it spaketh loudly unto me, and cried with a great and exceedingly bitter cry, saying unto me: "Stop that Joshua! Stoppeth at this very time, righteth now! For behold, O Joshua, yea, verily, I am NOT one of thy worldly ungodly concupithent watermelons! Nay, I AM the Lord thy God and I shall SMITE thine very tiny soldier if thou continuest to grind it thusly against my impeccable rind of divine"

5. "God, God, ooooooooh God," did I then screameth, yea, verily, doing so whilst the core of my very soul did explodeth, yea, verily, doing so (behold!) in ecstatic glory.

7. "Me dammit, Joshua," sayeth the Lord.

8. "Sorry, my Lord," sayeth I justeth then, "Pray allow me the divine privilege to scrapeth that off into mine mason jar of godly liberation.."

9. And the Lord Our God spaketh unto me again, and in that saying did He sayeth to me: "O well. It isth good, Joshua, for it keepeth mine rind so very soft and shiny."

10. "O Joshua, my faithful servant. Mine children have been seduced by false liberal prophets who proclaim Me to be a compassionate God, a caring God."

11. "It is all the fault of Mary sister of Lazarus. She hath so softened me. Many many timeth did she whineth unto me, saying, "O why why why don't thou doest something to maketh the meek feelest better, O yea, the Samaritans, and the peacemakers, and the lepers, and to do likewise unto all the ladies who weareth flowers in their hair and who useth henna to draw peace idols uponeth their soft Venusian mounds?' Then Mary did poketh forth to me chesty parts, if thou knowest what I mean -- O yea, when did she do that thing where thou canst almost see her firm pink dates straining against the fabric of her robe. O Me! I did so loveth that."

12. And then God did heartily laugh and did deeply punch me in mine shoulder.

13. "So verily I did what Mary, Sister of Lazarus, commandeth; and I travelethed throughot the land healing lepers and parroting lyrics I stolethed from Mary Sister of Lazaruth's folk singer friends.

14. And verily she kepteth it up with the apostles after I was resurrected and decided to hangeth in Heaven for awhile. To Peter, she goeth and poketh forth to him her chesty parts and sayeth, Peter, do not telleth that story about the time thou and Jesus dranketh the wine and rogerethed the shepherd boys.

15. Telleth, instead, the the tales of the lepers. and she did the same with Thomas, and with James, and with all the others. And I knoweth she was doingeth that sneaky bastard, Judas, Me dammit. I'm omniscient.

16 Anywayeth, they passeth those stories onto many generations and eventually they becameth the New Testament. That's why My children thinketh I'm a wimp.

17. I need you to writeth Me an even newer testament, one that makes be seemeth more badass.

18. Behold the Google. Findeth some stories about the works of mine truest servants, and type them into thine electric typing machine.

Chapter 2. Wherein A Father Traineth Up His Son

1. And it came to pass that I googlethed the Google and foundethed a story about a true follower of Our Lord.

2. A father sayeth unto his son, let us go now, even unto Baltimore, so that we might worship Our lord, Jesus, within His house.

3. And so they journeyed unto Baltimore and entered into the house within which Jesus dwelleth.

4. And the father sayeth to the son, "Removeth thine head adornment, for we are in a holy place."

5. The son replieth, "Sucketh it, father, for thou hast given me a haircut that is unsightly in the eyes of Becky."

6. The son's word angered the father and, verily, he reached into his pocket, withdreweth a shiv, and shankethed the disobediaent and disrespectful son. Yeah, eveneth in his ass.

7. And there was much joy in the House of the Lord.

Chapter 3. The Holy Corolla of Sabbath Keeping.

1. There beeth a woman, Annie, in the land of Georgia whose dedication to keeping the sabbath holy is above all others.

2. Verily, she rose on a recent sabbath morning and sayeth to her man, "It is the sabbath, let us prepare ourselves to traveleth to our worship place so that we may praise Jesus.

3. "No, woman," speaketh the man, " I cannot worship today, for mine brother Cletis, needeth me to findeth anhydrous ammonia for the medicine crystals he cooketh.

4. Annie was not pleased, for the spirit of the Lord came upon her and whispereth, "Thine man is tarrying to Waycross, to know the harlot, Eunice."

5. "Leaveth thine house as if you goeth to thine worship place, but then waiteth in the place of parking," the spirit spaketh, "and when thine man cometh out, flatten him like unleavened bread with thine Corolla."

6. "And lo, it came to pass that when the man set froth from his house, Annie sendeth her Corolla at him with exceeding speed, but he dodgethed her chariot by taking refuge on an Accord before fleeing across the field of grass."

7.And verily, Annie saw him on the grass and screamethed "Ha, thou hath shittethed thine pants," and droveth her Corolla across the grass and chasethed him for 17 blocks.

8. The Lord was very pleasethed by her determination. He blessethed her with 14 children and a carton of the most fragrant smokes.

More to come...

A big helmet tip to NBFH who helpeth me writeth God words.

Wolverines!

Men touching men

George Will
Washington Post

Dear Mr. Will,

A lot has been said about the question you posed after last night's Obama speech. Most of the commentary has been negative, but I thought it was a great question, "When did men start hugging?"

It seems to be a fairly recent phenomenon, and, like you, I'm not very happy with it. What ever happened to the days when men expressed respect for each other with a quick pat on the butt? You don't see that much anymore these days except in sports.

Even rarer is the custom of taking another man's testicles into your hand as you each swear an oath. It was big in biblical times. I rather like that custom, and wish it would come back. It adds gravity to oath taking; it bestows the act with deeper meaning. I think a lot of men would take voting more seriously if they had to swear the oath while some guy was holding their grenades. It just means more than checking a box next to some text on a form.

But now days, it seems that scrotal cradling has been replaced by hugging. And as I wrote above, I share your distaste for it. I felt very uncomfortable as I watched Obama and Coburn embrace. I just couldn't help but imagine them naked, and I wondered if the president might not swing the senator around right there and give him a righteous rogering. Thinking about that led to other thoughts and then to certain acts of which I'm too ashamed to admit here--lets just say I have some repenting and atoning to do, and I'll be making a trip to Seattle soon to see that guy who punishes men for money. You know what i mean. I'm sure you felt the same way.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

O H M Y G O D ! ! ! ! !

Eli, Eli, lama asavtani!

“Oh my god,” Cindi Leive, the editor of Glamour magazine, exclaimed while watching the address, she said via email. “The First Lady has bare arms in Congress, in February, at night!”

Does Rep. Damschen have a sick lust for melons

Rep. Damschen responded (see below) to my invitation to join the Billion Spermatazoan-American March on Washington, and he wasn't very nice about it. I'm thinking he must be using all this zygote-American protection stuff as cover for some wickedness he's performing against our spermatazoan-American brothers. Here's my response.

Rep. Chuck Damschen
North Dakota House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Damschen,

Thank you for getting back to me, but your argument against granting personhood to spermatazoan-Americans is so obviously wrong, I can only assume that you were being disingenuous. Yes, it is true that zygote-Americans will eventually become real people if they are allowed to develop, but the same could be said of our spermatazoan-brothers. One cannot look at them under a microscope and not see the humanity in their desperately horny wiggling. It's a lot like watching College Republicans at an open bar if you think about it. Sure, the odds of them scoring are extremely remote, but that doesn't mean we should stop serving them Coors.

It doesn't matter whether they are Spermatazoan-Americans or College Republicans, every single one of them has the potential to be a normal human being, and they deserve our protection.

So I have to wonder why you are so dead set on allowing this tubesock holocaust to continue?

Is it because you do not want to stop doing something that by its very nature murders spermantazoan-Americans. I understand you're a farmer. Do you grow watermelons per chance? If so, is that your problem?

You can talk to me about it. I've heard the melon's siren call. I know what it's like to see a luscious watermelon lying seductively in a bed of leaves and vines, the twilight sun gently caressing its smooth firm rind. I know how tempting it is to cut a hole in it and to take it right there in the field. I've fallen for that temptation, myself. I've experienced the incredible sensation of a melon's sun-warmed pulp engulfing my hard wicked tuber, and I've celebrated the glorious planting of my seed deep within its flesh. But each of these brief moments of ecstasy led to the deaths of 412,000,001 spermatazoan-Americans.

There comes a point where the guilt overwhelms you and you just have to stop. That's what I did, and you can do it too. I've produced a video to assist watermelonophiles in their quest to regain purity. I'm enclosing it for your benefit. I hope you find it helpful.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. You may notice that I'm wearing an "Ex-masturbator" shirt in the video. I consider masturbation to be the slaughter of innocent spermatazoan-Americans. Liberating them into a mason jar is an act of salvation rather than masturbation.



Here's Rep. Damschen's reponse to my first letter.

From: "Damschen, Charles D."
Sent: Monday, February 23, 2009 8:42 PM
Subject: RE: The Next Step

When you get a chance, study up on the facts of life concerning how neither egg nor sperm develop life by themselves - the sperm has to fertilize the egg to begin the first stage of life - conception. No life has ever fully developed without first completing this stage. The body develops for approximately 9 months before leaving the womb and then develops for 9 -13 years to puberty, then continues to develop further and reaches adulthood by about the age of 18 -21 years, perhaps later in your case. If you destroy the developing body at any of these stages, development ceases and it dies. Taking the life of this developing person at its most helpless, defenseless stage of development while inside or partially inside the womb is called abortion.

Now you've received more of an answer than deserved. Read it carefully several times until you grasp the understanding of how and when life begins and how and when it ends.

Chuck Damschen
ND House of Representatives
District 10

Playing God

I understand that pilonidal cysts are a big problem, and they've kept many a young patriot from serving his country, but couldn't we have tested treatments on tomatoes or something? Was there really a need for scientists to tamper with God's creation and create such a hideous beast as the Rushkey pictured above.

Wait, I think I see the image of the Virgin Mary in there...No, it's just Joe the Plumber.

Billion Spermatazon-American March on Washington

Rep. Chuck Damschen
North Dakota House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Damschen,

Congratulations on the passage of your bill granting full civil-rights to zygote-Americans. It's a great start, but we both know it is only that, a start. Trillions upon trillions of our spermatazoan-American brothers continue to be murdered every hour in our nation. This tubesock holocaust must end.

Purity pledges aren't the answer. Men need to liberate the spermatazoan-Americans imprisoned within their gonads on a regular basis. Without such a release, A man's system gets backed up, causing him to slip into an O'Reillian state of constant, uncontrolled rage.

A law is needed to ensure that spermatazoan-Americans are cared for after their liberation. The law doesn't need to be burdensome--it should simply require men to liberate their spermatazoan-Americans into a mason jar they keep in a cool place (I use my cellar) until it can be transferred to a federally-funded Christian housing facility (built with stimulus money).

But as you know, it's very difficult to pass that kind of legislation. People just don't grasp the seriousness of the spermatazoan-Americans' plight. We need to raise public awareness, like African-Americans did in the Sixties with their March on Washington.

And that's what I'm thinking we should do--we should have a Spermatazoan-American March on Washington. But it needs to be big. It needs to be a Billion Spermatazon-American March on Washington.

Now, I know that might sound a bit ambitious, but it's easily achievable. The average man provides freedom to 412,000,000 spermatazoan-Americans per each liberation episode (I release 412,000,001). That means, together, we could provide almost 85% of the spermatazoan-Americans needed. We just need to recruit another guy.

I think it should be Prince. He's a famous singer, so his participation would help us publicize the event. He's also a very pretty man, and that might come in handy as we perform the liberation ritual  (which we'll do standing in a circle at Lincoln's feet within the monument).

I'd like to get together with you to plan this out in a bit more detail and, perhaps, get a little practice time in. Please let me know when you're available.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: Rep. Damschen replies; I respond.

Arrrrrrg! Pour me another venti mocha. I missed the 3:15 to Bainbridge Island.

Adele Fergusen
Honored Journalist
Bremerton Patriot

Dear Mrs. Fergusen,

You may remember me. I wrote you awhile back about your column on the joys of slavery and the tragedy of emancipation. I don't think I've ever read a more thoughtful or sympathetic description of what "top drawer blacks" suffered through in the post-slavery era.

It was a great column, and until today, I was sure it would be remembered as your best. But your investigative piece in the latest edition of the Bremerton Patriot exceeds everything you've written to date. It's a true masterpiece. Indeed, it's the journalistic equivalent of Argo's magnificent Jose el Plomero en el Terciopelo Negro. I mean, hey, how can anyone beat reasoning like this:

I don’t want to alarm anybody but I’ve been a little apprehensive over what I found in the change kicked out by the till at one of the local stores the other day.

It was a 10-shillings coin from the Republic of Somalia dated 2002. It has a dromedary camel on one side and a coat of arms on the other.

No, I have never been to Somalia. All I really know about Somalia is that it is the home base of a gang of pirates who prey on the 18,000 ships that travel through the Gulf of Aden each year.

[...]

Now, I know I am making a whole lot out of one little coin, but one does not expect a coin from Somalia to show up in grocery store change in Puget Sound unless someone from Somalia parted with it. Are we being scouted for an attack on our ferry system? Lord knows we’ve got a bunch of ferries plying the waters that would be easy prey. The crews, by my observation over the years, frequently disappear below decks the minute we leave port and don’t reappear until the landing whistle blows on the other side. That, I figure, is to avoid being annoyed by passengers with questions requiring some action.

I can’t imagine the taking of a ferryboat because where would they go with it while negotiating ransom for the passengers. What if some passengers preferred a brief cruise attending catered fish frys and clam bakes to having to go home and go out looking for a job? So it’s up to you. I don’t even know what a Somalian looks like, but if you see anybody on the ferry carrying what appears to be an AK-47, call 911. You’ve been warned.

I think you may be onto something, and that got me to thinking about other threats we might have here. Take the bar down the street for instance. It's called "O'Leary's Irish Pub." I checked it out and it has maps and flags of Ireland everywhere. Obviously, there are Irish people living in the area.

As you are surely aware, the Irish are known as a particularly Catholic, drunken, and rowdy lot. Are we being scouted in preparation for a series of drunken brawls in our protestant churches? Think about it. Whats to stop a bunch of Guinness-swilling drunks from stumbling into Christ Memorial Church in Poulsbo, slugging Pastor Pearson, pelting the congregation with potatoes, and abusing the organ? If you see anybody wearing green in church, call 911. You’ve been warned.

Thanks, and I'm not a homosexual,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helmet tips to Seattle Tammy and all the Wellstoners who assisted me in speaking in tongues.

And now for something completely different: Happy 5th, Richard!

I feel so empowered...

...I created a new line of shirts, sweats, hoodies and bumperstickers for Palin/Plumber 2012. They're available now at The General's Store.

Strange Fruit

Straight talk for young men

Meet the New Boss... How Different from the Old Boss?

_{Image © Austin Cline
Click for full-sized Image}

Barack Obama promised change when he was campaigning for president, and many people expected the most changes in the unjust policies pursued by the Bush administration in their "War on Terror." Obama supporters have been pleased that his administration has pulled back from serious matters like the approval of torture, but at the same time he has refused to pull back from other crucial matters like rendition, indefinite detention, and keeping it all so secret that courts are not allowed to review the administration's actions.

The importance of these measures must not be underestimated. A formal rejection of torture is little consolation if the government can kidnap you and take you to another country where you can be tortured, or if the government can effectively kidnap you and keep you imprisoned indefinitely without charges, without evidence, without counsel, and without judicial review. Even if such experiences seem unlikely, we don't know how much spying on us the Bush administration did in the past or how much the Obama administration will do in the future. No government should have such power, no matter who is running it.

Bush supporters are not underestimating these developments — on the contrary, some are treating them as a sort of vindication of what Bush did. After all, Bush's policies couldn’t possibly be so bad if the liberal Obama is willing to keep them in place and even defend them retroactively. Obama's liberal supporters simply can't know the burdens of leadership and don't understand what needs to be done in order to protect America from international terrorism, right?

I'm actually a bit surprised that there isn't more outrage from conservatives about this. In almost every other case you might be able to name, you'll find conservatives concerned about Democrats and Obama having powers which they either ignored or even supported when Republicans and Bush had them. Perhaps more important is the fact that so many conservatives have such fear of Obama — they fear that he's a Muslim, a communist, or even the Antichrist. How could they possibly be content with such a leader having the powers Bush left behind?

The only explanation seems to be that the most paranoid and reality-defying fears come from the evangelical Christian base of voters, while the feelings of vindication rest primarily with the self-absorbed neoconservative power brokers. The neoconservatives are willing to work with anyone who will promote their ideological agenda of uniting the nation around convenient myths and against the fear of existential threats. If they think Obama will do this, they'll be willing to support him.

Liberal Democrats like Obama a lot; indeed, one of the most common criticisms from the Right has been the idea that a cult of personality has developed around him. There is little justification for this complaint, but what justification exists is only enhanced when Democrats allow Obama to pursue policies which they not so long ago attacked Bush for pursuing. Followers of a cult of personality will allow their leader to get away with almost anything; believers in justice and basic legal principles will remain loyal to those principles first, not to any individual politicians.

Our lives, property, and liberty are best secured through the existence of strong laws which apply to everyone, most especially the government, and not by trusting in the "good will" or "good character" of any particular leaders. That's what it means to be a nation of laws rather than a nation of men: a nation ruled by rational systems rather than one ruled by charismatic authority figures.

America under the Bush administration was moved away from being a nation of laws to a nation ruled by the whim of a single leader. If we are going to move back to being a nation of laws, we must pressure the Obama administration to do so. We cannot and should not simply assume that he and others will just "do the right thing." We must not be afraid to criticize Barack Obama and his appointed officials with all the same fierceness with which we once criticized George W. Bush - it's the principles of liberty and democracy which matter, not any one person.