At the the White House Correspondents Dinner

I will be live twittering the White House Correspondents Dinner and and all the pre and post parties as a guest of the Washington Times.

Department of Book Reports: Gods Gachupines and Gringos: A People's History of Mexico, part 2

I want to talk a little more about this book, because I feel it is an important one. Timely, with all the hysteria surrounding "illegal immigrants" and Border Patrol Mitiltias. A better understanding of Mexico would go a long ways in today's climate. Dano told you about the book last week, and now I'd like to tell you a bit about the publisher.

Editorial Mazatlan has been publishing a popular language for tourists volume sold in Mexico, and this year brought out Gods, Gachupines and Gringos. This isn't a self-published book, but it's getting treated like one. Ingram, the national wholesaler here wants to distribute it through their "Lightening Source" print-on-demand service, even though that will give people a cheap, X-roxed quality volume, rather than distributing the higher quality volumes that Mazatlan already has bound and in their warehouse. That means the book isn't available at local bookstores as we reported last week.

You could help get this book into bookstores by bringing it to the attention of your favorite bookseller, and pointing them at Editorial Mazatlan's website. David will offer his kind help and generous (& freight free!) discount to the trade. Honestly, I haven't seen this kind of support to bookstores since... oh wait... I haven't ever seen it before. If you do tell your local bookstore about the book, please promise to buy it from them and then do so, on a timely basis. Nothing will piss off a bookstore more than a spam campaign of special orders that don't get picked up. The book sits on the shelf and the book buyer will glare at it daily, resenting being tricked. The book will languish for a couple months and then be bitterly returned, never to have seen the sunshine of the new release table. And that's not what we want here, people.

Any clicks you can make on teh googles will be appreciated, to keep this bookreport up at the top of the listings. That will give booksellers & customers enough info to find it for themselves. If you choose to buy it from us, Richard will fulfill the order from the Albuquerque warehouse so it'll be on it's way to you quickly.

I'd like you to see what other folks have to say about Gods, Gachupines and Gringos here and here and here. The book has plenty of acclaim, just not distribution. Let's change that.

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion Why yes, dear, that blouse does make you look fat has died as a result of blunt force trauma after having been caught off-guard while getting ready for a dinner party last Saturday night. The Opinion, which had kept to itself and minded its own business for many years while leading a quiet and uneventful life, pretty much blew everything in a thoughtless moment of casual honesty.

A service honoring the memory of the Opinion will be held this Sunday morning. Men who attend are advised to keep their mouths shut for most of the day--this means before, during and after the service. Burial conducted by Tewlitel Tewlate Family Mortuary.

Special Note: Happy Mother's Day! You look so young! Have you lost weight? You look terrific!

++++

Republican Jesus' Sermon on the Burger

Dijongate: Obama is objectively pro-francomustard.

The sad, sorry plight of the lowly hedge fund managers.

The General on Twitter

Join me as I tweet very manfully.

Sen Vitter and I share an acolyte

Sooner or later, I knew others would join me in my fight to save our Spermatazoan-American brothers from the tubesock holocaust.

Update: I thought this guy might be a satirist, but after doing a little research, I learned that he is a high functioning autistic person. That bit of info changed the video from being funny to being cruel and exploitative, so I pulled it.

Scroll down to the next post.

A touching family values moment

Rep. Sheryl J. Briggs
House of Representatives
State of Maine

Dear Rep. Briggs,

I'm always touched when I'm blessed with an opportunity to witness a good Christian mother providing loving guidance to her daughter. And I'll admit it, I may be an 11 on the manly scale of absolute gender, but the tears were rolling down my face as I saw you share one such intimate moment with your daughter on Tuesday. It isn't often that we are given the gift of observing a mother rebuke a wicked daughter for engaging in acts of sodomy. It's even more rare to witness a mother doing it on the floor of the state legislature in front of cameras. That's an uncommon kind of love, an act of love that few mothers are in a position to share with their daughters. I hope she was there to witness it, and if not, she at least had an opportunity to see it live on the television you keep in the home you share.

But is it enough. Isn't there more you could do to publicly shame your prodigal daughter. Have you considered writing the words "SINFUL WHORE" in bold capital letters on her forehead with a sharpy as she sleeps? Or better yet, have you asked the House Christian caucus to help you exorcise the homosex demon from her body--that would make for a great youtube video.

Please consider doing both if you haven't already, and send me a link when you do.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblically appropriate kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Political Correctness raises it's ugly head

John Aravosis, a man whom I suspect may not be fully committed to the heterosexual lifestyle, posted a flyer from the Delaware Dept. of Transportation that I think takes this whole socialistic diversity thing a bit too far. Here are a few excerpts:

"Comments you never want to make to a coworker"

"Never call a coworker a 'fag' or a 'homo.'"

"The 'N' Word
You may have heard comedians or African Americans use the word "nigger" casually. It is never acceptable to use it in any context."

"You people
Let's just say you are asking for trouble when you use this reference."

"Should we order fried chicken or watermelon for you?"

"You must be the new IT person." [Asian Coworker]

"Can you recommend a good Chinese restaurant?"

"Can you recommend a good Mexican restaurant?"

"Can you help me out with my landscaping?" [Hispanic/Latino co-worker]

"It is never acceptable to refer to a Hispanic/Latino co-worker as a 'spic,' 'wetback,' or 'hotfooter.'"

They offer a few for white people too, and it's here where they finally list something really offensive, "white trailer trash," but they missed the worst one of all, "teabagger."

Trading emails with Hi-Caliber, the conservative rapper

I have a couple of other responses to my emails that I haven't posted yet, because I was hoping to get further responses from them. It's been a couple of months now, and I haven't, so I'll post the first one today. It's from Hi-Caliber, the conservative rapper.

I wrote him in March, shortly after he performed at CPAC, and asked him if he'd be interested in performing at our Men's Purity Revival and Survivalist Fair in Oct. Here's a excerpt from that letter:

It's going to be a heck of a lot of manly fun. We'll have purity discussions and films, military-style training, Christian Spartan-style wrestling, spiritual warfare, and an Oktoberfest party where we'll drink real near beer and do that Bavarian dance where guys slap each other.

We'd need you to do a rap song at the beginning of each day (four in all), and do two or three raps before and after the wrestling...

At least one of your songs would have to be about the sin of masturbation and another about why we should hate the gay....

Hey, I understand that Michael Savage converted you to conservatism. A song about him would be great. Maybe you could turn his letters to Allen Ginsberg into lyrics. That, my friend, would be very groovy.

We'd pick up airfare, four nights in the hotel, food (if you eat with us), shooting range fees, riding crop, and lederhosen (for the party). What other compensation would you require?

Here's his reply:

Date: Sat, 21 Mar 2009 06:51:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: calvin tanella
Subject: Re: performance

Thanks for the offer! I regret that I will be unable to attend for reasons beyond my control, however, what I can offer you for a small fee (we'll work that out later if you are interested) is to record you a custom made CD with songs about the topics you mentioned, ie: sins of masturbation, homosexuality, why we should worship God and any other topics you see fit. Please let me know what you want to do and if you are interested, send me any talking points you want me to include in the songs.

Conservatively Yours,
Hi-Caliber...

And my response:

Thanks Mr. Caliber. We'd probably want to have a song about gladiators too, because I'm thinking I'd want to call it "God's Gladiators." Maybe it could be like a theme album about a Christian gladiator who loves the Lord and fights the urges to pat his robertson and engage in acts of sodomy with the same gusto he brings to battling Goths in the arena. I can even picture the cover. It'd be a statue in the ancient style of the Romans. You know, one of those naked warrior things. But it would be you, holding a sword and wearing a gladiator helmet and nothing else. And we'd cover you with flour to make you look like a statue. I'm not really into nakedness, but this would be like art. No skin would be shown because of the flour. We'd have to really work it in though, especially on your little gladiator. It'd have to look like marble.

I have the sword and gladiator helmet. I'm a collector. I bet I have the most extensive collection of gladiator movies anywhere. I like to put on my gladiator costumes and watch them. You should come sometime. We'd drink root beer, eat Frito pie and pork rinds, watch gladiator movies, and wrestle. That'd be fun.

Anyway, what would that CD thing (songs and cover art) cost?

He hasn't responded.

More responses to my emails (Including the Dinesh D'Souza blowup)

The response to my sniper application prompted interest in some of the other responses I've received, so I thought I'd post a few links to my favorites. And later, I'll post one I haven't published yet, an exchange I had with Hi-Caliber, the Republican Rapper.

Dinesh and me

I suggest that Dinesh D'Souzas choice of a leopard skin patterned carpet in his den might be evidence that he has fallen into the clutches of perversion.

Dinesh responds by calling me insane. I reply by asking if it was possible that Kieth Olberman might have laid his carpet without his knowledge.

I stand ready to serve the people of Illinois

(Two letters, one reply--I quoted the first letter and the reply in the third letter's post)

In the first letter, I ask Illinois State Senators Dave Syverson and Steve Rauschenberger to correct the huge mistake they made in recruiting Alan Keyes to run against Obama (I suggest that they create a scandal by engaging him in a three-way at a Cub's game).

Syverson replies and defends his choice, noting that I didn't come forward when they were looking for candidates.

I accept Syverson's challenge in the third letter and ask him to support my campaign.

Christian Wrestling (2 letters, 1 reply)

• Reserve May 2nd on your Calendars--I invite Christian wrestler Rob Adonis to bring his show to our annual Christian Militia Old Time Revival and Tribulation Preparedness Expo and ask him if we can wrestle naked with his wrestlers in the manner of the ancient Spartan warriors.
• Adonis replies--Adonis is willing to bring his show, but only his wrestlers will be allowed in the ring. I respond with suggestions about how to make the show more meaningful to the audience.

Letters to Ed (3 letters, 2 replies)

Ed Vitagliano is the editor of the AFA (American Family Association) Journal

• The great white shark of iniquity--I congratulate Ed for outing Lenny the Homosexual Shark and relate my story of how A Shark's Tale caused me to enter into a vinylsexual lifestyle.
• Ed stokes the fires of my lost love--Ed tempts me with visions of vinyl Santa sex and I tell him of the heartbreak he's rekindled.
• Lenny the Shark has many, many friends--I write Ed about Spongebob's video homofest. Surely, Bob the Builder isn't a homosexual.
• Keep me cockatoo cool--Ed disapproves of my vinylsexual lifestyle. I alert him to Wiggles.
  

Excommunicating Coach Shanahan (2 letters, 1 reply)

• Nobody Expects the Conservative Inquisition--I congratulate the Catholic Bishop of Colorado Springs for reinstituting the inquisition for Democratic voters.
• Excommunicating Coach Shanahan--The Bishop's assistant, Fr. Howard, replies, noting that the Bishop read my letter and is grateful for my kind and supportive words. I send a second letter, asking the Bishop to excommunicate Denver Bronco's Coach Mike Shanahan and a couple of the other major donors to the Diocese for contributing money to candidates who support abortion rights and stem cell research.

Idaho Militia Commander responds to my sniper application

Yesterday, I responded to a "sniper wanted" ad placed by the Idaho Militia. Here's the commander's response:

JC Christian,

Greetings and thank you for your application. It is, however, incomplete as several items requested have been left out. If you would please fill in those items as listed on the contact page, it would be appreciated. You sound like a dedicated and qualified marksman but I need more background experience to consider you for this position. As noted in the job description, the field sniper would also be the Sergeant of Arms with expertise in many weapons and experience in running qualifications and marksmanship training. If you don't have this specific experience in training soldiers, and would like just to be a sniper, that's ok too.

Your letter impresses upon me a "lone ranger" tone so I need to make a few things clear. If you join the ICCM, I will be your commanding officer and you will obey the orders of myself and those appointed over you. My rank is determined by the size of the company size element I lead. One is not a general unless they have at least a couple brigades following them. Most applicants will enter at the rank of private, which is to say, that may be your rank. A military unit is operated by discipline and a clear chain of command. If you can't fit in to a military unit, we can't use you.

If I've gotten the wrong impression, I apologize in advance. If you are ok with these terms and willing to follow orders, start by providing the information requested. One more thing, please don't ever take God's holy name in vain again when writing; I would appreciate it.

In God we trust,

CPT James Ambrose
Idaho Citizens' Constitutional Militia
Commanding Officer

Here's my response:

Dear CPT Ambrose,

Thank you for responding to my application for the sniper position. Before I address your concerns, I must instruct you to address me using my rank until such a time as I have accepted the sniper position and the resulting reversion of rank. Frankly, I'm a bit stunned by your failure to adhere to basic military protocols regarding chain of command. Do it again and I will discipline you, myself, using an M-13A riding crop.

OK, now that that's out of the way, let's discuss my qualifications. In addition to being proficient with the Model 82A1 Barrett sniper rifle, I am a master marksman with the AR-15, SKS, and HK-SL8 assault rifles, all Browning and Mossberg shotguns, and the Ruger Super Single-Six side-arm (which as you know, is the most powerful handgun in the world when paired with CCI Stinger ammunition).

I am also proficient in the use of the M-73 nunchucks. Ask anyone in Tremonton. I demonstrate my proficiency every day at about 3:30 pm in front of Bear River High--I think the high school girls love it. And as I noted earlier, I am an artist with the M-13A riding crop.

But I have so much more to offer your unit than simply my vast knowledge of weaponry. I'll also bring Sherry and Sheila, my militia morale sheep, along with me. Gosh, how the men love them. They are an absolute boon to unit morale and cohesion; that is if you don't mind the fact that Sherry appears to have very large testicles and a bleat that sounds like a foghorn--it's nothing a pretty ribbon doesn't fix. And, the rumors about her spreading anal warts are just that, rumors. It was the latrines at Camp McVeigh that were the source of that infamous outbreak.

As for your "lone ranger" accusation. Yes, I do currently serve under the rank of General. I assumed that position in 1995 after taking leadership of all the militias commanded by colonels at that time. I will add the Idaho Citizens' Constitutional Militia to my command should you decline my application for sniper.

OK, here's the rest of the required info:

Name: Gen. JC Christian, Patriot
Address: RFD#1 Tremonton, UT
Phone number: Phones COMMUNIcate COMMUNIsm. I refuse to own one.
Alternate phone: Phones COMMUNIcate COMMUNIsm. I refuse to own one.
preferred email contact: Yes
Date of Birth and age I was birthed at home, but I believe I am 49.
Gender: I'm a man, an 11 on the manly scale of absolute gender.
Military branch (not required)
rank at discharge: General
military duties: Commanding
Boy Scout (not required): I do not have one.
Any other relative experience (not required): Sometimes, I dress in women's clothing and hang around in bars with lumberjacks for intelligence gathering purposes.
Why you are interested in the Militia? It's not because I have a small penis. I like big guns, big trucks, and joining militias for other reasons. I just can't think of them now.

Looking forward to hearing back from you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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I was a sniper for the Idaho Militia

CPT James Ambrose
Idaho Citizens' Constitutional Militia

Dear CPT Ambrose,

Please accept my application for the sniper position you are advertising on your website. I don't think you'll find a better candidate for the job anywhere.

You see, I live for sniping. There is nothing I love more than taking my .50 cal Model 82A1 Barrett semi-auto slaughtermaster--I call him Chuck, after Chuck Norris--out for some prairie dog mayhem. I hate prairie dogs. They live communally, you know--like communists, God damned communist rodents. They say they live in towns, but they're more like hamlets, God damned Vietcong hamlets. That's what they are.

Anyway, I was telling you about my love for sniping. God, I love Chuck. Ain't nothing better than that moment when I pull his butt hard against my shoulder, rub my finger on his trigger, slowly coaxing it back until that triumphant moment of release when the 660 grains of wadcutter ecstasy explodes out of his chamber, shoots down that 29 inches of hot hard steel and erupts out of his muzzle in a glorious eruption of masculine power. Ohhhh, God it is good. There is nothing like it. It always leaves me spent and exhausted, but with a kind of indescribable floating feeling. You know what I mean; the kind of feeling where your whole body feels as if it's been infused with liquid joy and all you want is a cigarette and a little Barry White music in your headphones.

Chuck is always with me. I take him everywhere. A lot of the men in my own militia don't understand that. It's why I, a militia general, am willing to serve as a sniper under a mere captain. I prayed about it and the Lord told me you'd be more understanding. 

There's nothing wrong with a man sleeping with his rifle and doing certain things to increase that special bond between them. I mean, why should Sgt Cletis or anyone else care as long as you use a lot of gun grease and are careful about preventing anything from getting into the muzzle. You know what I mean. It's all part of our culture.

Well, let me know when to report in. I've already picked up the uniform.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The Nude Barbie Project

A call to Mattel:

MATTEL: Thank you for calling Mattel. This is Leslie, how can I help you?

HARGRAVE: I have a complaint about a Barbie doll.

MATTEL: OK, I can help you with that. Can you tell me the product number you have?

HARGRAVE: It's the Happy Birthday Barbie Doll.

MATTEL: And what's the problem with the doll?

HARGRAVE: I got her home and disrobed her, only to find out her body is just smooth molded plastic.

MATTEL: [Pause] Her body is smooth molded plastic.

HARGRAVE: And I read that she was supposed to be "anatomically correct."

MATTEL: No. I'm sorry sir, we don't make anatomically correct dolls.

HARGRAVE: She looks like a hood ornament. And I was disappointed, because I don't know how young girls are supposed to learn about the female figure from this toy. Do you know what I mean, Leslie?

MATTEL: No sir. I don't have a clue. I'll be glad to pass your concerns along, though.

HARGRAVE: Are you going to send me a Barbie that is truly anatomically correct?

MATTEL: No sir. As I mentioned to you, we don't make an anatomically correct doll.

HARGRAVE: Would you consider making one in the future?

MATTEL: No sir.

HARGRAVE: Don't you make customized Barbies?

MATTEL: No we don't, sir.

HARGRAVE: I think you do sell personalized Barbies.

MATTEL: We used to have a doll you designed yourself on the Internet, and that doll is no longer available.

HARGRAVE: Have you ever seen a nude woman?

MATTEL: Pardon me, sir?

HARGRAVE: I said, if you've ever seen a nude woman, their anatomy does not look like this! There are markings, and hair, and other discolorations!

MATTEL: [Pause] Well sir, I'll be glad to pass your comments along.

HARGRAVE: So you don't sell one with the breasts and genitals drawn in properly.

MATTEL: No sir, we do not.

HARGRAVE: Do you think one of your factory workers would be able to draw them in with a Sharpie?

MATTEL: No sir, we won't be willing to do that for you.

HARGRAVE: Please?

More.

So Many Must Sacrifice for So Few

_{Image © Austin Cline
Click for full-sized Image}

Why is our government continuing its coddling and supporting of bankers, investors, and others who crashed the world economy? Sometimes, it actually seems like Barack Obama's approach towards the banks is the same as his approach towards Republicans: assume that they will negotiate in good faith by seeking reasonable compromises on methods of achieving common goals. Instead, every time the reality is that they have no interest in negotiation of any sort because they reject the goals entirely. Rather than a give-and-take on methods, their approach is to insist that they be given everything they want and screw everyone else.

To cite just one example of the Republicans doing this, there was the "stimulus" bill which the Republicans rejected entirely — instead of trying to compromise on some specific tactics, they wanted to dump the entire philosophy behind the bill in favor of massive tax cuts. It was their position that their electoral losses and shattered economy weren't signs that their traditional tactic of tax cuts might be either mistaken or rejected by the voters.

They wanted everything done their way and, when they didn't get it, refused to play along at all. Had it been possible for this to actually matter, the effect would have been to screw over the vast majority of the American public: let the working and middle classes lose their jobs, lose their homes, and lose whatever confidence they might be able to have for the future. The wealthy, though, would have been able to accumulate an even larger share of the ever-shrinking economy.

To cite a recent example from the financial industry, we have Chrysler going into bankruptcy because hedge funds refused to do what everyone else was doing: accept a lower return on investments so that Chrysler might survive. They want everything and refuse to accept that their investments could possibly have come with a risk of loss, so while everyone else is taking a loss — including workers — the hedge funds have forced Chrysler to go to bankruptcy court where they stand a good chance of getting more than everyone else.

They consider themselves special, with no need to contribute to the collective sacrifices others are making. They insist on "getting theirs," and if this means that others must suffer — like for example a massive loss of jobs due to Chrysler going under completely — that just doesn't matter. As a result, they would be able to also accumulate a larger share of the shrinking economy — an economy that's shrinking in large part because of their decisions.

It's hard to believe that these two groups aren't really one and the same. These are all people who regard themselves as uniquely privileged — not merely lucky, but in fact deserving of all that they have and of course deserving of much, much more. One corollary of this attitude is that those who have lost much and who are struggling must also deserve what has happened to them. During more religious times such circumstances were perceived as signs of God's favor or disfavor; among more secular libertarians today, it's all perceived as signs of hard work, skill, creativity, etc. Whatever happens, happens because it's supposed to — luck, race, gender, etc. play no role whatsoever.

The more privileged a person is, the easier it is for them to focus solely on their own narrow circumstances, taking each event as if it were isolated from everything else in society. They don't have to pay any attention to larger patterns in society or even just in individual institutions. They don't have to think about the ways in which these patterns might make life easier for some and harder for others.

Thus their superior social and political positions are retroactively justified — or just rationalized — by some sort of innate moral, ethical, or psychological superiority. It's little wonder that they feel the need to continue earning large amounts of money despite their failures. Their earlier success at earning lots of money may have been the basis for concluding their own innate superiority, but this latter belief has become an independent principle which is now used to justify why they should continue getting lots of money regardless of performance. Failure is certainly not used to conclude that they are inferior in the same ways they concluded everyone else was.

So once again, why is the Obama administration coddling the delusions of these people by rewarding their failures? Perhaps because so many people in the administration have long been part of this deluded banking and corporate culture. The entire Washington, D.C. scene has become insular and incestuous, disconnected from the life of people elsewhere in the nation. People move between lobbying firms, banks, investment firms, corporate boards, and "elected" office like they are simply moving from one corner office to another, all in the same company but just changing job title.

How much has changed, really?