Obama bin Saddam is going to force us all to have sex with Steven Pidgeon's wife

These are some of the rights, Obama-ain't-Merkin-lawsuit attorney Stephen Pidgeon believes are in danger:

Human Rights Roster
God-Given Rights
A partial roster

The right to property
The right to be free from the theft of our property;
The right to be free from the theft of our houses;
The right to be free from the theft of our marriages;
The right to be free from the theft of our employees;
The right to be free from the theft of our means of production;
The right to be free from the theft of our families;
The right to be free from the theft of everything else that rightfully belongs to us;

The right to marriage and family
The right to be free from adultery;
The right to honor our mothers;
The right to honor our fathers;

The right to self-defense
The right to be free from interference with our houses;
The right to be free from interference with our spouses;
The right to be free from interference with our employees;
The right to be free from interference with our means of production;
The right to be free from interference with anything that rightfully belongs to us;

Department of Book Reports: Books I'm Looking Forward to Reading

Currently I am finishing one book and beginning another, so those will have to wait. But there are some fine books that have either just been released, or will be soon. Not exactly a summer beach reading list, but I don't do a lot of reading there anyway.

Just out in stores now is The Eliminationists: How Hate Talk Radicalized the American Right (Polipoint Press $16.95) by author and blogger at Crooks and Liars, David Neiwert. By documenting the ideas and rhetoric that champion the elimination of opposition groups, Neiwert argues that the conservative movement itself has been transformed into something not conservative at all, but is becoming increasinly right-wing and dangerous. I will review this one as soon as possible

The historian in me is looking forward to How Rome Fell: Death of a Superpower (Yale University Press $32.50) by Adrian Goldsworthy. Apparently the author sets to look at that great Empire fell with fresh and post 9/11 eyes. (And by the way, anyone who likes historical fiction about Rome should read Gore Vidal's great novel Julian, Vintage $16.00, first published in 1963, and tells the tale of the last pagan Emperor, the Apostate Julian).

Due out in paperback in June, and in the theaters in August, is Taking Woodstock: A True Story of a Riot, a Concert, and a Life (Square One Publishers $15.95) by Elliot Tiber with Tom Monte. Tiber explores his role at the fable concert held now forty years ago, up there at Yasgur's farm. He also looks at his life and his relationship with three famous artists, Truman Capote, Tennessee Williams and Robert Mapplethorpe. The film should be released on August 14th and is directed by Ang Lee.

Finally, Denis Johnson has a new novel that has just been released. Not nearly as long as his great Tree of Smoke, Nobody Move (Farrar Straus Giroux $23.00) is apparently a crime thriller set in the American West and includes a cast of wacky characters. Johnson is one of the best prose stylists writing today, and I can never recommend him enough.

These books are available, or will soon be available at Jackson Street Book and other fine independent bookstores.

democommie is awaiting the picture versions of all these tomes.

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion The United States is Number One! has shuffled off its numeric coil and is no more, largely due to the inability to qualify what the phrase "We're Number One!" (often chanted after consuming vast quantities of inebriants) actually means. Some have suggested that the Opinion is only passed out and could wake up at any time, while others have taken to nailing it to an improvised perch in a desperate nod to Monty Python.

Valiant efforts to resuscitate the United State's Opinion of itself were undertaken by hundreds of Americans this past April 15th, many of whom stood on traffic corners and, well, they were holding signs and yelling and some of them had kids, so it was really patriotic, whatever it was. Anyway, The Opinion began to experience some discomfort as its world rankings in Life expectancy left it far out of the number one position. Further attempts at "Oneness" fell short on Healthcare, Gross Domestic Product, Murder rate, Debt (we almost made it to number one, but "the world" defeated us in our glorious quest, Infant mortality rate and the insidious Happiness index...

We did manage to make a Canadian list for countries who torture but that was not enough to keep The Opinion alive and well. We thought we had nailed down the Number One for Military Spending, but darn NATO and "The World" did a Mad Max number on us...

Members of the immediate family ask all concerned to bring really large, polyurethane foam fingers to the funeral, and wave them proudly, and yell and scream, and cuss and holler! Yay! We're Number One! We're Number One!

In lieu of flowers friends of The Opinion are asking that you (yes, you!) work hard to keep America safe for wealthy people who would electrocute your testicles until all that was left was a pair of carbon raisins if it meant having another widescreen HD TV in the parlour or another tax haven in some magical land of tropical breezes.

++++

The Opinuary Column appears on Friday afternoons at Jesus' General.

++++

Training Tomorrow's Teabagkommandos

`
John Anthony, MS
National Director
Explorer Scouts

Dear Mr. Anthony,

I love the work the BSA is doing to prepare our teens to become cogs in the state security apparatus. Your training regimen, which includes exercises ranging from conducting drug raids and border sweeps to taking out terrorists and school shooters, is very impressive. I was particularly taken by the Red-Dawnish realism of a recent exercise where the terrorists were dressed in traditional Arab clothing. I bet the kids loved liquidating them with their airsoft rifles.

But is it realistic enough? You know the Demislamunistofascists won't be in charge forever. Eventually, Jesus, will bless us with Republican leadership again, and the scouts you are training today--or if not them, their children or grandchildren--will be serving in the state security apparatus. Will they be fully prepared to coerce the false confessions needed to justify our next Republican war?

The answer to that question is no, unless you're offering advanced torture--or as the marketing guys say: "enhanced interrogation techniques" (EIT)--training as well. My guess is you aren't, and you need to remedy that right way.

It should be easy enough. Just have your scouts do a snatch operation--surely you've trained them for that. Have them grab some hippy kid and show them how to waterboard him until he cops to forging fishing licenses for Obama. You could also help them to build black widow spider cages that'll fit over the detainees head--that's something they could keep until the first Jenna or not-Jenna administration. What a gift that'd be.

Heterosexually yours, 

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Woo Hoo!

Long-time reader Dave Von Ebers is now a vlogger, and damn, he's good for a God damned frenchman.

OK, one more week of fundraising.

Please give if you can.

Group Blames Jews For Hate Group Designation

Dawn Coslow
Pacifica Forum

Dear Mrs Coslow,

I see the Southern Poverty Law Center is now classifying your organization as a hate group. You had to know it was going to happen. A proud white Christian just can't get a break these days. I mean, hey, you observe Martin Luther King Day with a presentation accusing him of being a commie sexual pervert and celebrate two straight anniversaries of kristallnacht with a presentation blaming the Jews and the next thing you know, people are calling you bigots. It just ain't right.

Your response was a thing of beauty. A lot of other organizations might have toned down the rhetoric a little, but not you. You came back swinging, denying the SPLC's charges of anti-Semitism by asserting that "the Jews" paid them to say it. I bet that left them speechless.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, but very Aryan, kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Confederate-Americans Defend Property, Shoot Peeing Kids

Chris Bird
Author, Thank God I had a Gun

Dear Mr. Bird,

Here's a great story for you to use in your next book. It has everything: gun owners defending their property; the importance of the "castle doctrine" and other "make my day laws" for which the NRA fights so hard; and the need to expand such laws, like Florida has done, so people can enforce their own justice without fear of legal repercussions.

The protagonists are Shiela and Gayle Muhs, a good, god-fearing, NRA-American couple whose love for the Second Amendment is matched only by their longing for the return of the Confederacy.  

They live a simple life in a simple house on the edge of a simple lake in Texas. They love their property. It is sacred land to them. To them it symbolizes one of the last remnants of their beloved Confederacy, or so the Stars and Bars they fly above it would suggest.

The Muhses do not tolerate even the slightest intrusion, and warn potential intruders with a sign upon which is written: "Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be re-shot. Smile, I will."

Finally, after years of waiting to exercise their Second Amendment rights to the fullest extent possible, the Muhses got their chance. A family stopped to take a pee on the edge of their property. Sheila shot first, and then passed the shotgun to her husband, who fired again. Later, Sheila would tell the 911 operator, “They’re out here tearing up the levee, so I shot them.”

It's unclear which of shots killed seven-year-old Donny Coffey and which one wounded his five-year-old sister, Destiny, father Don Sr, and family friend Patrick. It's not even clear whether the family was shot on the Muhses' property. The only certainty is that at least one of the Muhses killed a child and shot three other people for driving on a levee.

The question of location is important here. If the family was on the Muhses property, Texas law gives the couple a legal right to shoot them. If not, Sheila and Gayle can be tried for murder.

In Florida, the Muhses would be in better shape. That state's "Make My Day Law," which was passed a few years ago, allows people to shoot anyone anywhere, regardless of who owns the property, if they "feel threatened."

That's why I'm hoping you will tell the Muhses story in your next book or article. They are the perfect poster couple for the NRA's "Make My Day Law" campaigns--just a pair of legal gun owners who killed a kid in the wrong location.

Heterosexually yours, 

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Letter to the Philadelphia Inquirer

Dear Philadelphia Inquirer*,

I was so very gladdened in the abattoir of my heart to hear that torture advocate John Yoo is gracing your pages with his wit, reason and legal acumen. Perhaps he can take his considerable cognitive skills and advise readers as to when a mere reprimand of an insolent waitress can morph into a physical beating, or just how far to twist the nipples of an obnoxious crossing guard. The list is surely endless, and should provide reams of fodder for the keen mind of Mr. Yoo. Maybe you could have his picture alongside his words, perhaps a striking portrait of him wearing a hockey mask just to set the mood? I'll leave that up to you folks--after all, you're the professionals!

But why stop there when you have a theme just crying out for more thorough coverage? I think it would be worth it to devote many sections of your newspaper to like-minded idealists, thereby dovetailing the disparate features and news stories you cover on any given day and giving the whole enchilada a little spice. Perhaps Hannibal Lector could dish out some recipes for the Food Section, Vlad the Impaler could provide ideas for staking out that special backyard garden, and John Wayne Gacy could answer questions ranging from child psychology and clown costuming to how to build a truly scary basement for Halloween!

Though the individuals mentioned above are either dead or fictitious I don't think your subscribers would find their appearance in your paper to be objectionable. I mean, come on, you've hired someone to write a column whose legal opinions helped our previous administration to violate the Geneva Convention and our own laws against torture, not to mention violating universal tenets of morality, decency and basic human rights. The piece de resistance to Yoo's opinions is that the use of such torture was probably invoked to gain false information, to help buttress the case for going to war against a country that had not attacked us! I'm sure your editorial staff now looks in the mirror with just a little extra gleam in their eyes, a little more arch in their eyebrows and just a tad more goose in their steps!

Thank you for your time! Let me know if you have any trouble sleeping at night: I hear tell Freddy Krueger has a whole laundry list of ideas that can help fend off bad dreams!


Sincerely,

(Holy moly, I gave them my real name!)

++++

Idea for this letter came from Digby's Hullabaloo--she is of the opinion that the Philadelphia Inquirer might be a good place to send your words concerning torture, especially in concern of a certain Mr. John Yoo.

Note from mjs: I don't write letters much, but felt the Holy Spirit within me and just wanted to share.

++++

Another Amazon Review: "The Tea Party Movement"

This time, I review The Tea Party Movement: Why It Started, What It's About, and How You Can Get Involved. If you enjoy it, please consider voting for it so it will be listed as the top positive review.

Here it is:

 Frightened Middle-Aged White Guys are People Too, May 11, 2009

By	Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

On April 15, 2009, many Americans got their first glimpse of the Tea Party Movement and were very confused. To most, it appeared to be little more than a big dark exhaust cloud of unfocused anger or some strange tribal dance where portly middle-aged men wearing way-too-tight Harley leathers performed rites to exorcise a legion of demons who were tromping across their collective lawns.

That was not the intention of the Movement's creators. They envisioned a well-organized, lobbyist-directed movement that could mobilize nervous middle and working class people to defend the aristocracy's god-given right to rule.

This book is a part of an effort to bring the Movement's focus back to what its creators intended it to be. The author does it by packaging the aristocracy's demands as history and calling it patriotism.

Certainly, anyone who's spent more than five minutes studying the Tea Party Movement finds the whole connection to the Boston Tea party to be ludicrous. Sam Adams and the gang weren't dumping tea in order to get some tory fat cat a tax cut. They were protesting taxation without representation, something that does not exist in the modern US anywhere except within the District of Columbia. And Lord knows, no Tea Party activist wants to give DC congressional representation--it's a bit too swarthy, and therefore, too scary, a place for us.

But it isn't important whether anyone actually believes there's a relationship between the Movement and the founding fathers--the important thing is that we can point to this book and say that's what we're doing as we mumble about a black man in the White House under our breath.

And that's why this book gets 5 stars. It gives us an excuse. It allows us to hide our righteous conservative bigotry underneath the layers upon layers of Gadsden flags we've wrapped around ourselves.

A Christian Warrior is Grounded

The greatest atheistislamunistofascist fighter who ever graced the internets tubes is no more.

My Amazon Review of "Thank God I Had a Gun"

My latest Amazon Review is up. Please consider pressing the "yes" button next to the "Was this review helpful to you" question. That'll help it get featured as the "Top Positive Review."

Here it is:

 Embracing Our Inner Frightened Bunnies, May 10, 2009

By	Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

"Thank God I Had a Gun" is the kind of book every patriot should keep on a shelf between his Red Dawn DVD and his emergency pants. It's a great collection of stories about how very terrified real-Americans overcame their inbred fear of their swarthy neighbors by shooting them. Some of the tales are heartwarming, like that of pizza deliveryman Ron Honeycutt who stopped a potential mugger with 15 well placed shots to the torso, pausing only to reload once. Others are empowering, like that told by Barbara Thompson who ended after-hour burglaries at her plant nursery by ambushing the burglar and blowing his head clean off.

But, unfortunately, by focusing only on killing potential criminals, this book completely ignores a more common way firearms are used for defense: the impromptu administration of justice against those who've wronged you.

You've heard about these cases. A wife cheats on a fine gun-owning NRA-supporting gun show enthusiast or he loses his job for engaging in so-called "hate speech" and the patriot attempts to regain his honor by shooting everyone who has even the slightest connection to the source of his shame. There have been at least a dozen incidents of this nature in the last two months alone--more if you look at those resulting in three or less deaths. That's twelve more chapters for the book, and at least two more if you add talk radio/cable news junkies who ambush cops because they are afraid they'll take their guns.

Another piece this book lacks is a how-to section. I mean, hey, there are a lot of us who haven't bagged us a perp yet. Most of our friends have shot at least one person, some, two or three, and we're still waiting for a chance to exercise our Second Amendment rights to the fullest extent. It's embarrassing. We're called "cherry boys" and are the objects of jokes about the hitting power of our loads. We want to be NRA heroes too, but we need a little help getting there. A short, last chapter would have provided that.

Again, although it was a great book, it was also deeply flawed. I'll give it five stars but only because I fear my masculinity would be questioned if i gave it less.

Doug McKelway is not the Gay

It is important that you believe him or he will punch you in the face.

Onward Chistian Soldiers

A hemet tip to Miss Poppy.