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Saturday, June 13, 2009

Department of Book Reports: The Art of Racing in the Rain



The Art of Racing in the Rain, by Garth Stein (HarperCollins $14.99) I told you about this book last year, when I said "Heartbreaking and achingly perfect this book is really impossible to describe. Enzo is a dog who can explain what it is to be human." I told you I was evangelical about this book and I still am. You must read this book. I'm not alone, the Pacific Northwest Bookseller's Association thinks so too.

My friends Village Books twittered recently:

Sign of a good book: When you tear up as you're telling someone about it.
and oh, yes, I've teared up in writing this book report.

Garth also twitters while he's on the road:
There's a goldfish swimming in a fish bowl on the floor outside my hotel room. Why?

Being the smart-ass I am, I couldn't help re-tweeting with the advice:
/U must be @ a Klimpton.It's a loaner pet, not sushi

Which was met with this poetic reply:
This is just to say. I have eaten the fish that was in the fish bowl and which you were probably saving for breakfast

forgive me. it was delicious. so sweet and so cold.


One of my favorite memories from just before we left Seattle was attending Garth's premiere signing. My date that night was the lovely and talented Kevin O'Brien. We went out for burgers and beers afterwards and I asked a gal to snap a pic for me. I forwarded it to the guys the next day and mused "why do we lean in, when we know perfectly well a digital camera can capture the entire room?" Garth replied "We lean because we love."


Jackson Street Books has paperback copies and Signed & Dated, First Printing hardcovers with publisher promo pieces laid in (and buttons!) If I didn't convince you last year, Go! Now! Read this book.



Friday, June 12, 2009

The Opinuary Column



The Opinion It is what it is has died from complications arising from what doctors are describing as 'its not what it used to be and never was'. The Opinion had lived a full life of neo-existential, conversation-ending, elliptical vagueness that largely served to wrap up late night bar conversations, most of which, frankly speaking, weren't going anywhere in particular anyway. Often preceded by "Not that we know for sure" the Opinion will be missed by Zen masters and chattering muddlers alike.

Born in a working class neighborhood in a working class city in a working class state, the Opinion spent much of its youth not being what it wasn't until a chance encounter with Timothy Leary tuned it in, turned it on and dropped it out. Exploring the boundaries of what it could have been, all the while experimenting with a variety of hallucinogens which definitely already were, led it to a series of conclusions that "it was and it wasn't" but only relative to its belief that it "could and/or couldn't if it had to" which it didn't. Still unclear as to what "it" was, while despairing of where it was and why it was led it to forget just who it was, all the while fighting deep set feelings of deep set feelings.

The Opinion eventually enlisted in the army, where it was told it could be all that it could be, but soon found out that it already was what it was and didn't want to go beyond that, even if it could. By then it was too late: it had to because it must, even though it didn't want to. The Opinion's military career passed unremarkably, its only moment of note being that it got a tattoo of Popeye saying "I yam what I yam" even though it wasn't what it was, at least not while being all that it could be. It was discharged from the army after doing all that it did, which wasn't enough.

After settling down in Key Biscayne, Florida, it was asked to do a series of promotions for President Clinton's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" program, which was what it was, but shouldn't have had to be what it was. The Opinion declined to provide cover for President Clinton on the grounds that "...asking and telling are what they are and how can they be all that they can be, when they're explicitly told that they shouldn't?" It was the last interview the Opinion was asked to give, and gave it it did.

The Opinion requested that no memorial service be held. Some have speculated that its request belied a deeper, secret wish for anonymity, but friends close to the Opinion have said "It is what it is, or at least what it used to be."

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The Opinuary Column appears Friday afternoons at Jesus' General.

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Teabaggers in the Holy Land

Patriotic American soon-to-be-perfected Jews in Jerusalem.



A big helmet tip to Richard Silverman.

And here's what real, not-likely-to-be-perfected Jewish Israelis have to say:

He's not the gay

Tom Fetzer
Candidate for North Carolina Republican Party Chair

cc:
Peter J. LaBarbera
Americans for Truth

Dear Mr. Fetzer,

I'm a consultant who specializes in helping good conservative politicians who've been accused of being the gay. You may recognize my name. I've offered advice to such notorious heterosexuals as Larry Craig, Bob Allen, and Ted Haggard. I'd like to help you too.

I think you've done a pretty good job of defending yourself, thus far. Filing a lawsuit and mailing angry letters to deny charges that you're the gay is about the best thing one can do; almost as good as denying it in a column like Joseph Farah (who as of the column's publishing date was not the gay--he just likes the mustache) did.

Luckily, you haven't been caught putting some other guy's little soldier in your mouth yet. If you're doing it, stop. As innocent as little soldier gulping can be, it's hard to convince people it's an heterosexual act. They're just not inclined to swallow it.

I think you're now ready to take the next step and prove your heterosexuality by going to battle against the gay. You're new to this, so I'd advise you to team up with a professional anti-the-gay warrior like Peter LaBarbera (I'm copying him in this email as a means of introduction). Peter has a very unique way of taking it to the gay. He like to dress all up in leather and infiltrate their wild parties. He in essence becomes a big gay leather daddy so that he can report on their activities. Sure, he probably takes severe spankings more than he'd like, but it's all part of the danger and excitement of being a sub for Jesus.

So start getting prepared now. Buy a nice pair of assless chaps if you don't already have them, because you never know when Peter will get the itch to penetrate the gay scene.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Thursday, June 11, 2009

A lion, a cat, and a toad stop for milk at the school cafeteria.

By gawd, at least the Limeys are teaching their kids how to spot a terrorist:

More than 2,000 10 and 11-year-olds will see a short film, which urges them to tell the police, their parents or a teacher if they hear anyone expressing extremist views.
You never know. Little brown Nigel could have a dirty bomb in his Power Rangers lunch pail:
The terrorism message is also illustrated with a re-telling of the story of Guy Fawkes, saying that his strong views began forming when he was at school in York.
And a toad reminds us that it's not all about terrorism.
A lion explains that terrorists can look like anyone, while a cat tells pupils that should get help if they are being bullied and a toad tells them how to cross the road.

Harry's Secret

Bishop Harry L. Jackson Jr
High Impact Leadership Assn.

Dear Bishop Jackson,

You're probably aware that love segregation opponents are questioning your standing as a leader of the war against DC's marriage equality law. People for The American Way, for instance, is saying that you weren't even registered to vote in DC until very recently and are likely a resident of Maryland, not DC.

You have to admit that it seems a little suspicious. What are people going  to think about your claim to be some guy's roommate in a DC condo? "Why aren't you living with your wife in in Silver Spring, MD?" they might ask.

Well, the answer is obvious I think. Your marriage has become the first casualty of DC's new marriage provisions. Is that the case?

I understand why you may not want to publicly acknowledge the possible crumbling of your marriage, but this is important. It's exactly the kind of thing we've been warning people about. I mean, hey, DC ends love segregation and suddenly you're out of your marital home and sharing a condo with some guy. You need to speak out about it.

It'd be an even more compelling condemnation of marriage equality if you could prove another claim we often make: that the gay must be opposed at every avenue, because its siren song is irresistible. Can you help us out with that? It is a little strange that the moment DC gets marriage equality you move into to a condo with some guy, isn't it? The force is strong, Harry. It's understandable. Use it as a teaching moment.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Former Miss CA to defend another cherished Heartland tradition

Today, Carrie Prejean embraced opposite employment:

This was a decision based solely on contract violations, including Ms. Prejean's unwillingness to make appearances on behalf of the Miss California USA organization.

PDB: Rightwing Extremists Determined to Attack in the United States

President Barack Obama states that he is "...shocked and saddened by today's shooting at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum."

Maybe he should read the Moonie Times:

The Department of Homeland Security is warning law enforcement officials about a rise in "rightwing extremist activity," saying the economic recession, the election of America's first black president and the return of a few disgruntled war veterans could swell the ranks of white-power militias.

A footnote attached to the report by the Homeland Security Office of Intelligence and Analysis defines "rightwing extremism in the United States" as including not just racist or hate groups, but also groups that reject federal authority in favor of state or local authority.

"It may include groups and individuals that are dedicated to a single-issue, such as opposition to abortion or immigration," the warning says.
Shocked? Saddened, yes, but shocked? I blame the liberals. They get folks all antsy. Agitated, even.

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p.s. Tonight I will light a candle for the slain guard, Stephen Tyrone Johns, who died doing his job. Peace unto him and his family and friends.

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UPDATE: WaPo looks at the suspected killer's history of poverty and extreme hatred. At the end of the article an individual named John de Nugent, a self-described white separatist, was quoted as stating the following:
"The responsible white separatist community condemns this," he said. "It makes us look bad."
I have no idea what mirrors are for anymore.

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Satan's Librarians

Bob Braun
Ginny and Jim Maziarka
Christian Civil Liberties Union

Dear Bob, Ginny, and Jim,

I've always admired the Christian Civil Liberties Union. You serve as a counter to the freespeechofascists at the ACLU. Without organizations like yours, people would be saying whatever the hell they want. It'd be anarchy.

Your latest case serves as an excellent example of the kind of good work you do. Who'd have dreamed that in the year of our Lord, 2009, a lawsuit would be filed demanding that a mob of angry elderly people be allowed to seize a book from a library for the purposes of burning it.

But I have to ask, is it enough to simply burn that one book, Baby Be-Bop? Shouldn't you use this opportunity to ask the Court to allow your grannytrüppen to burn down the whole library?   And, what the hell, how about roughing up the librarians with a little cane and walker action while you're at it. By God, that'd show the book pushers.

You just have to think a little bigger, I think.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

I can see Galt's Gulch from my window

Sarah Palin believes in a different kind of capitalism:

We are the only state with a negative tax rate, where we don’t have any income, sales or property tax statewide, and yes we have a share of our oil resource revenue that goes back to the people that own the resources. Imagine that... a fair and equitable share of the resources that we own, and the people will share in those resource revenues that are derived.

Remember readers, socialism makes Jesus cry, but collective ownership of the means of production rocks!.

Building A Truly Faith-Based Society

Lou Engle
International House of Prayer (IHOP)
The Call

Dear Pastor Engle,

I've been thinking all day about Gov. Huckabee's speech to the Rediscovering God in America Conference. He's right. If it hadn't been for the prayer assaults thrown by your organization, Prop 8 would not have passed. It truly was a victory for prayer.

And that got me to thinking that we are not relying enough on faith and prayer to do our nation's heavy lifting. I mean, hey, we have the most awesome power in the universe and we're limiting it's use to maintaining love segregation in a single state. There's something very wrong and wasteful about that, especially considering the problems our nation faces today.

Think about all the money that could be saved if we cut military funding by say 75% and instituted a draft for young Christian men to serve 2 year stints in a prayer corps. Seriously, can you imagine the power of 10,000 prayer warriors asking the Lord to smite Osama bin Sadam? He'd be dead tomorrow.

And that's not the only work we could give them. They could replace the Weather Service by praying that the good Christian states be spared drought, tornadoes, and hurricanes.

FEMA too. You know all the hurricanes are going to move up to those the gay states in New England, anyway. They won't bother us in the real America. So why keep FEMA?

And then there's Israel. We're giving them billions of dollars a year for what? That's God's land. There's going to be Armageddon there whether we pay them or not. It's God's will; nothing we do will change that, so why bother. I mean, wouldn't it be a better demonstration of our faith if we let Israel fend completely for itself?

I've just barely touched on the prayer and faith opportunities here, but you can see it's going to save us trillions of dollars. What do we do with that savings?

Well, of course, most of it should go to those who can invest it the most wisely--you know, the wealthiest 1%: people like Paris Hilton and that CEO from Countrywide. But we should also consider spending some of it on our spiritual infrastructure.

I think it's time to go from the mega-church to the stadium church. Think about it. Close your eyes and visualize 50,000 people wearing rainbow wigs and holding John 3:16 signs. It'd be great. And we can afford to put retractable roofs on all of them so they're comfy in the Winter, yet available for Our Lord Jesus to descend into when he's available.

Isn't that a better use of our tax dollars than health care or education? I think so.


Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Monday, June 08, 2009

Taking the kids to Gitmoland

It's no wonder so much of the Heartland supports torturing the non-Jesused. It's nothing like the things we do to disobedient children.

Libislamunistofascist compassion nazis would probably put a TRIGGER WARNING here.


Keep scrolling down.






Too much more, here.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

A Crosby, Stills, and Nash Morality Primer

I assume no vultures were harmed in writing this:

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF CROSBY, STILLS, NASH, AND YOUNG

1. Teach your children well. (song of same name)
2. Stand up to tyranny. ("Ohio")
3. Embrace mysticism. ("Woodstock," "Marrakesh Express," etc.)
4. Employ sensible family planning. ("Love the One You're With")
5. Realize that some things are more important than money. ("Johnny's Garden")
6. Don't discriminate. ("Southern Man")

Four more at Ms Johnson's place.

Christians Incite Hatred, Violence, Then Wash Hands of Complicity


Christians Incite Hatred, Violence, Then Wash Hands of Complicity
Image © Austin Cline
Click for full-sized Image

The only thing truly surprising about the murder of Dr. George Tiller in Kansas is that it's been so long since the last time anti-choice fanatics have engaged in violence against an abortion provider. Such violence is deplorable, yes, but it should be expected given the constant pressure of violent, eliminationist, and extremist rhetoric which the anti-choice movement is subjected to by its leaders and even many "mainstream" conservatives.

Why do you suppose conservatives are in such denial about the impact their language, rhetoric, and ideas? They certainly can't dispute the extent to which rhetoric and ideas can affect people's behavior — after all, aren't they among the first to complain about how they think American culture is negatively impacted by what people see in movies or hear in music? Aren't conservative Christians among the first to insist that there should be less profanity and sex in the media because its presence "coarsens" American culture?

Just in case someone wanted to argue that this is only a problem when it comes to godless, liberal matters, conservative Christians are also very vociferous in calling for increased public expression and promotion of Christianity — especially when sponsored by the government. Why would these conservative Christians be so vehement in their belief that the government should erect Ten Commandments plaques and monuments everywhere, sponsor school and government prayer, fund faith-based programs, and so forth unless they believed that the constant presence of Christian rituals, symbols, and ideas would have an impact on people's beliefs and behaviors?

So conservative Christians in America definitely believe that the constant presence of the "wrong" ideas and images can negatively impact impressionable people, and they definitely believe that the constant presence of their own ideas and images can positively impact impressionable people. The only excuse they could possibly have, then, is that their ideas and images could never have a negative impact on people — that their ideas and images could only ever have a positive impact on everyone.

Of course, that presumes that killing an abortion provider is bad and these anti-choice activists rarely say anything that suggests they believe this. They may condemn the murder of George Tiller in vague language, but they often go on to say how glad they are that he's dead and/or how he's responsible for what happened to him. I really don't think that this excuse can be treated as credible, assuming that anyone tried to get away with using it, but that leaves us without even a weak excuse for why the extreme rhetoric of anti-choice activists would not be complicit in anti-choice violence.

Part of the problem in my mind is that it's the relative absence of violence which seems to be more in need of explanation, not the occasional outburst of violence. Let's ignore the bulk of extreme anti-choice rhetoric and focus on a single, basic, and common anti-choice claim: abortion is murder. If people really, sincerely believed this, why aren't they acting like it?

If you saw adults walking children into a "death camp" to be murdered, would you be content to just hold silent protests outside the killing chambers or outside the homes of the killers? If you knew that thousands of young children were being killed every year, would you be content to wait for politicians to ban it? Would you even be satisfied with taking action against a single killer who specialized in eliminating older children while ignoring many more killers who eliminated infants and toddlers?

None of that would make sense. Only a tiny fraction of the anti-choice movement acts like they truly believe that abortion is murder: those who engage in a lot of direct, non-violent intervention and those who actually take violent action. Those who merely apologize for or try to justify violent action are little more than posers and cowards — people who might like to see violence, but don't have the personal or political courage to act on the beliefs they are promoting (though I'll bet they hope to profit from others acting on them).

Of course, the anti-choice movement does a lot more than calmly say "abortion is murder." The anti-abortion rhetoric goes much, much further in the demonization and dehumanization of abortion providers, ramping up the emotional reaction to abortion and hatred of those involved. They have done everything possible to ensure that their audience doesn't treat "abortion is murder" in a purely intellectual manner; instead, the rhetoric is clearly designed to encourage strong emotional reactions which people will act upon — and the only sort of reaction we should reasonably expect in this context is active, direct, and often violent.

Yet there is still so little violence, relatively speaking. Even if we include actions like putting glue in locks and spreading "Baby Killer" flyers in neighborhoods where clinic workers live as "violence," there is still little in the way of violence that is proportional as a reaction to the sincere belief that "abortion is murder." I don't mean to dismiss or underestimate how much pressure and stress abortion providers have to live with; instead, I'm pointing out how little anti-choice activists really believe what they are saying because this may help explain why they are so vehement and extreme in their rhetoric.

First, the extremist rhetoric may be an attempt to convince themselves of something that they have trouble believing and accepting — they are unable to regard a pregnant woman walking into a clinic as the equivalent of a mother carrying an infant into a clinic, so the extremist rhetoric is necessary to arouse the negative emotions that would be there automatically otherwise. If they really did believe that abortion is murder, they wouldn't need to go to such lengths to demonize abortion. No one goes to equivalent lengths to demonize Nazi concentration camps — a simple description is more than enough to create a moral and emotional revulsion at what happened.

Second, and more importantly, I wonder if the extremist rhetoric is also deliberately designed to incite and inflame unstable people so that they will take the violent action which some anti-choice leaders wish would occur and which they are unwilling to engage in themselves. To what extent do they wish there were more anti-abortion violence and are too cowardly to do something on their own, yet are nevertheless willing to encourage others to take violent action instead? There is a lot of history in America of such rhetoric leading to violence, assassinations, and even riots, so they know what the effects of their language is likely to be.