Department of Book Reports: Local Noir

Here's a nifty duo of short story collections: Seattle Noir, edited by Curt Colbert and Portland Noir, edited by Kevin Sampsell. These are part of a series of "City Noir" by Akashic Books ($15.95 each) that includes locales such as Brooklyn, Los Angeles, Washington D.C. and Chicago. Edited by a local crime-writer, they include the best of the region's writers and give you a great tour of that town.

Curt Colbert is the author of the Jake Rossiter 1940s private detective series, that has been nominated for a Shamus Award. Jake and Miss Jenkins appearance here in a tale of domestic case has a fitting finale for a double-crossing couple. Skye Moody brings the tale of a dwarf actor, who fears he is growing taller, too tall to keep getting the movie roles that have supported him so far. Kathleen Acala's Blue Sunday has a Iraqi vet, who crosses paths with a bad cop in Seattle's Central District. R. Barri Flower's The Wrong End of a Gun is set in South Lake Union, and has another case of deception, which ends badly for all.

Within the stories of Seattle Noir, you will find: a wealthy couple whose marriage is filled with not-so-quiet desperation; a credit card scam that goes over-limit; femmes fatales and hommes fatales; a delicatessen owner whose case is less than kosher; a famous midget actor whose movie roles begin to shrink when he starts growing taller; an ex-cop who learns too much; a group of mystery writers whose fiction causes friction; a Native American shaman caught in a web of secrets and tribal allegiances; sex, lies, and slippery slopes . . . and a cast of characters that always want more, not less . . . unless . . .

Curt was interviewed on Seattle's KUOW NPR station recently.

Kevin Sampsell, a bookstore employee, small press publisher and author of Creamy Bullets has pulled together a stunning collection, befitting the town. Bookstores figure prominently here and Chris A. Boulton uses Powell's City of Books security measures to elude murderous cops in The Red Room. Jess Walter has the story of a newspaper editor's spiral into psychological deception via the horoscope column in Virgo. One of my favorite entries is the graphic novelette, Gone Doggy Gone by Jamie S. Rich and Joelle Jones. Jonathan Selwood's The Wrong House has a small time break-in gone terribly wrong.
I do want to quote the editor for this line, which really made me smirk: "If Portland was once Seattle's kid nephew in the past, these days it's more like Seattle is Portland's creepy old uncle."

Portland Noir is an encompassing literary journey where your tour guides take you to the Shanghai Tunnels, dog parks, dive bars, sex shops, Powell's Books, Voodoo Doughnuts, suspiciously quiet neighborhoods, the pseudo-glitzy Pearl District, Oaks Amusement Park, and a strip club shaped like a jug. Violent crime, petty mischief, and personal tragedy run through these mysterious tales that careen through this cloudy, wet city. Portland Noir is sure to both charm and frighten readers familiar with this northwest hub and intrigue those who have never traveled to this proudly weird city.

You'll have to read both volumes to determine which is the seediest city.

Also: we've finally been able to get the paperback edition of Jeff Sharlett's The Family:The Secret Fundamentalism at the Heart of American Power. We have a couple extra copies, and will be able to order more now. This is a much talked about topic right now, and Sharlett's book is not to be missed.

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion President Barack Hussein Obama exists in time and space has died of complications arising from an overdose of indistinctia errata americana, a disease that has never been proven to exist, largely because it would be a violation of its basic foundation to prove anything at all. If something could be proven then nothing would be gained, thus leading to the ascension and ultimate primacy of absence and the destruction of the material world, which would have to go back into some sort of non-dimensional dialectic closet, as it were, which it couldn't because it simply wasn't.

Services for the Opinion will not be held, and if they were held nobody could prove that they were going to be held, were being held, or had been held, so don't even bother. Pallbearers, who will not actually carry anything, and would deny carrying something anyway, and couldn't prove if they carried or didn't carry (such are the elusive qualities of language and whiskey) anything which was or wasn't deceased--anyway, pallbearers probably will or will not include Lou Dobbs (who cannot prove he is not the Canadian Bacon love child of Porky Pig and Leona Helmsley), the ghost of Samuel Beckett, Tom Stoppard (who will stop at nothing and then start again), General JC Christian, Harold Pinter and the Purple Crayon and The Long Black Coat of Bill Hicks.

In lieu of flowers the family of the Opinion are asking the public to imagine what it is like to be unable to prove you have lost that which another claims never existed. It's hard, darn it. Very hard on the soul, which must exist because we have not one iota of evidence on the subject, and who could say otherwise, and how would we know--really, really know--that a "who" said "otherwise."

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The Opinuary column appears, or doesn't appear, or appears to either appear or not appear on Friday afternoons at Jesus' General but you couldn't prove it by me.

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Patriotic teabagger-Americans Exercising their Second Amendment Rights

There's a new site on the internets tubes that tracks the arrests of our greatest Teabagger-Americans, the fine patriots who possess concealed carry weapons (CCW) permits. It's a shame that such true Americans are harassed for simply exercising their Second Amendment rights. You'd think the police would have much better things to do, like tazing the disrespectful or arresting brown people for losing their keys.

I've gone through the list and randomly picked a few cases to look at a little more closely. In each case, I found that the patriotic CCW holder was simply acting in the manner God and the NRA intended.

I've organized them into specific categories of lawful use below.

Auto Insurance Negotiation
There's noting that settles an auto insurance related negotiation faster than a 9mm.

July 2009
Edmond, Oklahoma – An angry driver pulls a gun on an Oklahoma couple during a road rage incident. Concealed weapons permit holder, 43-year-old Darryl Inman, charged with felony. Inman is currently a pilot for JetBlue.

December 2005
Beavercreek, Ohio – CCW holder Jason Todd Waple placed his 9 mm handgun up to a man’s neck after a New Year’s Eve traffic dispute.

Home Defense
A patriot's home is his "Forward Operating Base Alpha Charlie," and he's right to defend it.

July 2009
Tampa, Florida – Marcos Antonio Truillio, a concealed weapons permit holder, shot Carlos Aris, a graphics artist working for the Seventh Day Adventist Church, because he thought the man was breaking into his house. Family members say he had been going door to door evangelizing.

July 2009
Jeffersonville, Kentucky – Concealed weapons permit holder, 39-year-old Michael Dunn, is being held on seven counts of first-degree child sodomy in a case involving a 14-year-old boy. In a separate case, Dunn is being charged with filing incomplete firearms training records while servicing as a concealed weapons instructor. In February 2008 a grand jury found Dunn acted in self-defense when he shot and killed a man during a dispute at his home.

Defending Second Amendment (Stopping Gungrabbers)
Someone's cold, dead hands.

April 2009
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania – Richard Poplawski, a CCW permit holder, ambushed four police officers, killing three and wounding one.

July 2009
Galion, Ohio – Police responding to a domestic violence call shoot and kill William Kitzmiller. Concealed weapons permit holder Kitzmiller told his wife if she called the police he “would not be taken easily.” When police tried to disarm him an officer was shot in the hand, a second officer returned fire and struck and killed Kitzmiller.

Employment Related Need for Firearm
Some jobs require firepower.

July 2009
Rotterdam, New York – Gary DiCocco, CCW permit holder, was found guilty of promoting illegal gambling in a sport –betting operation which netted $250,000 in two months.

July 2009
Seven Hills, Ohio - Concealed weapons permit holder, 43-year-old Russell Larson, was pulled over for going 50 mph in a 25 mph zone. Larson, who had eight prior [I'd say eight DUI's qualifies as a career] operating a vehicle while intoxicated arrests, had a loaded .45-caliber pistol in his car, as well as a large folding knife, brass knuckles, and a bag of marijuana. He was charged with operated a vehicle while intoxicated , felony improper handling of a firearm in a motor vehicle, using weapons while intoxicated, and possession of marijuana.

Training Youth Sports Officials
Nothing gets a ref's attention like a .44 in the ear.

October 2008
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania -Tye Burke, CCW holder, put a gun to a man's head at a children's soccer game because he took issue with a coach's call. The victim was the coach's husband.

Women Dig a Man with a Big Gun
Some of us need all the help we can get.

March 2009
Los Angeles, California - Concealed carry weapon permit holder, Robert O'Ryan was arrested after jumping the fence at CBS Studios and attempting to meet Shawn Johnson. A search of his car at the time of the arrest found a loaded handgun, a loaded shotgun, duct tape and love letters to Johnson. The 17 year old's parents are filing for a restraining order against O'Ryan.

February 2009
Brockport, New York - CCW holder Frank Garcia killed three people and wounded one in upstate New York. Reports are that the killings occurred because the women had reported Garcia for sexual harassment.

October 2008
Windsor, Cororado -CCW Holder, Thomas Krueger was arrested on school grounds carrying a loaded Glock and drinking alcohol.

Is Rep. Bill Posey the Bastard Son of a Socialist Ex-President of France?

Rep. Bill Posey
U.S. House of Representatives

Dear Rep Posey,

I'm a big supporter of your work to use the birth certificate issue to remind everyone that Obama's father had sexual relations with a white woman. Indeed, I thought I'd try to lend you a hand with it earlier today. My thinking was that I could use you as an example to demonstrate how easy it is to prove a person's citizenship. Unfortunately, my research lead me to the conclusion that you also may not be a citizen..

I can find no records for you prior to your move to Florida in 1956. It's like you did not exist. A search for your rather curious surname--what kind of a name is Posey, anyway; it sounds like a flower not a man--revealed that it is an English name, originating in Oxfordshire.

That made me wonder. Why would there be people named after flowers in Oxfordshire? It'd make more sense that was a French name. They're kind of a foofy people, the French. Could it be, I wondered, that you are actually French and are trying to hide that fact by working in league with genealogists to falsify the location of the Posey ancestral home?

So I started poking around French web sites. Eventually, I came across a photo of Francois Mitterand, the socialist ex-president of France, and your resemblance to him is striking!

After running a battery of tests (see attached graphics), I'm fairly certain he is your father. That leads me to believe that you, sir, are a citizen of France rather than the United States.

I demand to see your birth certificate.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Test Results:

Near-exact combover correlation.

Exact cyanic diffusion around eyes and lips.

Visually calibrated measurement of eyes and nostrils reveal perfect biometric match.

Readers: I urge you all to join me in contacting* Rep Posey and demanding that he provide his birth certificate.

*Zip+4 for a the gay bar in his district is 32960-5454

Pledgeleegence Exorcism Preformed on Birfcertifercut Demon

Patriots had to resort to the greatest exorcism right of them all, the Pledgeleegence Exorcism, after a furriner demon blinded Rep. Mike Castle's eyes to Obama's birfcertificut treason

Onward Spartan Warriors

Lt. Jeffrey B. Stankiewicz, XO
North Idaho 21st Light Foot Militia

Dear Lt. Stankiewicz,

I am delighted that you chose a Spartan helmet and crossed short swords as your unit patch. It's fitting that those who now stand in the breech between liberty and godless comunistofascism do so bearing a symbol honoring the brave 300 who died at Thermopylae.

But are you prepared to undertake the ancient Spartan warrior ceremonies to which you allude in the words sewn into your unit rounder, "ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ" (rough English translation: "Bring The Lube")? I'm one of the few modern men who know or understand these venerable ceremonies. I'd be honored to share these secret rites with you and your men. Indeed, I'd be honored to do it, for there is no greater honor a warrior can give another than to wrestle him in the ancient manner of our Spartan philosophical forefathers.

As modern Spartans, you and your men deserve that honor. You deserve to feel the joyous satisfaction that comes from grappling each other oiled and naked as you struggle for domination until the better achieves victory my driving his hard, throbbing, Shaft of Masculine Triumph deep inside his opponent's Cave of Eternal Shame.

I'm free to come at anytime provided I'm given enough notice. Just send me a notice. I can provide all that's needed for the ceremonies including the chicken feathers, goats, watermelon drillers, and military grade M-28-A lubricant. Just give me a date and location.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

When will we free ourselves from this tyranny of reason

Another day, another attack upon me by the forces of sciencislamunistofascism:

Hurd states the obvious when he says this book “would have disappeared as another self-published creationist screed had not Pat Buchanan puffed it on WingNutDaily.” He is referring to American Conservative Pat Buchanan’s review Making a Monkey out of Darwin. This is the only positive review I could find of Windchy’s book – although an Amazon Review by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot has been heavily promoted on the internet. This character seems to be a member of the Christian Militia Network. He wouldn’t give the book 5 stars “because it could have been so much more if he’d gone that extra step and exposed the evolutionists for the purveyors of sexual perversion they are.” With friends like that …

Someone needs to send fact tyrants like this guy to Liberty Patriot Freedom Republic University for a little bit of faith-based learnin'. Their new climate change denial course sounds like the bee's non-evolved knees:

Week 1 Introduction -- An overview of the global warming conspiracy with vigorous classroom discussion of why facts and science have an unfair liberal bias (All six pages in text booklet), and a careful review of the NASA Global Temperature Record with correct interpretations written by our crack science faculty (Attached graph). The class will then pray the demons out of James Hansen's soul

Check out the rest of the course syllabus here.

Christianist and Islamist Militias Form Alliance

[I never dreamed I'd invite the leader of a fanatic Islamist militia to post here, but, as he explained to me, we believe pretty much in the same things. Read what Col. Nassar has to say, and I think you'll agree -- Gen. JC Christian, patriot]

Thank you, General for letting me post on your blog. As you will learn from reading the letters below, I'm experiencing a great deal of success reaching out to Teabagger-Americans like yourself.

I sent this letter to the Christian Militia Network Information. They replied with a short but very supportive email (see below). I think we've formed our first alliance.

Commander
Christian Militia Network Information

Dear Commander,

We share many things in common. There is more that binds us than separates us. As People of the Book, we worship the same one true God. We deplore the practice of abortion, the immodesty of the modern woman, the celebration of immorality in our popular culture, the acceptance of homosexuality, and the secularization of our society.

And like you, we have organized into a militia to stand against the forces of secular socialism that are poised to take control of our great nation. But it is very difficult for us. The jack-booted thugs in the federal government profile us because of our faith in Allah and the swarthiness of our skin. It will be very hard for us to operate once the revolution comes. That's why we are asking for your help. An alliance with you will help us fly under the radar and will give us the support of such great and powerful patriots as Michele Bachmann and Bill Posey.

Please give it your consideration.

Alluah Akbar,

Col. Walid Nassar
Dearborn Militia

Here is their response:

From: Christian Militia Network Information
To: "Col. Walid, Dearborn Militia"
Subject: Re: Please consider an alliance with us

Amen brother!

FEMA Forced Palin to Resign

Glenn Beck
Patriot

Dear Mr. Beck,

Many people laughed and called you insane, delirious, and "just plain fucking crazy" when you warned us that Obamaslamunistofascists at FEMA were building concentration camps for regular Credulous-Americans like ourselves. But all that laughter is going to stop on July 27th. That's the day FEMA launches National Level Exercise 2009! And yes, it is as sinister as it sounds.

The Arizona Citizen's Militia has all the intelligence on this. According to them:

• The federal government will use the this "to murder everyone who has ever owned a firearm."
• Sarah Palin knows about it. That's why she's resigning on the 26th.
• DHS Secretary Janet Napalitano announced it in a press conference, declaring: "Anyone exhibiting symptoms is being referred to an isolation room where they can be evaluated by a public health official before proceeding to their destruction."

We need you to do something now to stop this from happening. That something is the thing you do best, crying. Yes, we need you to get on your show and cry like you have never cried before. We need your tears to motivate the masses. We need your tears to rust the tracks of the Russian armor hidden in the forests of the Okanogan. We need your tears to wash over the land in a wave of godly destruction, drowning those who cherish reason above faith and the freedom above God's law.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Jesus, the Ultimate Patriot

There's nothing that says "Fourth of July" better than a bleeding Jesus and a reworked beer ad slogan.


The parade float was apparently created by the überpatriots at The Door Christian Fellowship Ministry in Flagstaff, Arizona. This church was most recently in the news when its founding pastor was suspiciously whisked out of India after terrorists used his computer to announce a bombing in Ahmedabad.

Thanks to Dan. Buy some of his great bumper stickers.