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Saturday, February 27, 2010

Wow

Bettye Lavette covers The Who's "Love, Reign o'er Me" bringing tears to Pete Townshend's eyes.



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Department of Book Reports: Novels of Political Paranoia: Seven Days in May

In an on-going series about the Paranoid Style in American politics in the American novel, this report will look at one of the classics in cold-war literature, Fletcher Knebel and Charles W. Bailey II's Seven Days in May (Harper and Row, 1962, a year before the Kennedy assassination, and out-of-print).

Set sometime in the early 1970's, the book has a fairly straight forward plot. The President of the United States, Jordan Lyman, with the consent of the US Senate, has conducted a disarmament treaty with the Soviet Union. The Treaty is regarded as near-treason in Pentagon, where Colonel Martin "Jiggs" Casey works as an adjutant to the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, one General James Mattoon Scott. Over the course of about 24 hours, Jiggs, through such innocuous clues as a betting pool on the Preakness, an encounter with an old military friend who unwittingly discloses the existence of a secret army base outside El Paso, and discovering that his boss has been lying to him on other matters, begins to suspect that there is a military plot to take over the government of the United States. Col. Casey takes the information to President, and though his story is dismissed by other advisers to the President, an investigation ensues and over the next few days, the plot is discovered to be real and plans are made to thwart it.

One of the first of a series of political thrillers to be published, the book operates in a cold-war era. The Russians are not to be trusted. Communism is the greatest external and internal threat to the United States. And the question asked consistently is who will protect our national security when it seems that the Executive wont. At least not to the satisfaction of the Military. It was also a period of what appeared to be a highly political military. The character of General Scott appears to have been modeled on such Generals as Edwin Walker, Curtis LeMay and Douglas MacArthur. Walker,the apparent object of an assassination attempt before JFK by Lee Harvey Oswald, and LeMay, the 1968 running mate of George Wallace, were especially reactionary in their political views, though MacArthur didn't lag far behind.

Seven Days in May was released in a film version in 1964, directed by John Frankenheimer, fresh off of filming The Manchurian Candidate, with a screenplay by Rod Serling, a vehement liberal and starring Kirk Douglas as Jiggs Casey, Burt Lancaster as General Scott and Frederic March as the President. Here is a case where I think the the film may be better. (It's available off and on at the Youtubes). The opening sequence where protesters and counter-protesters to the treaty file past one another until skirmishes between them erupts into a near riot, gives great imagery to the milieu of the times. Serling's screenplay tightens up much of the books plot (Casey is a married in the book, and the family scenes tend to bog down the narrative; in the movie he is unmarried), but still uses the strong and dramatic dialogue that Knebel and Bailey wrote.

The book is, unfortunately, out-of-print. However we do have one copy available and there are, last I looked, about 195 listings for it at abebooks.com. As a political thriller, the book is a fine read; as a movie, it gives cinematic vision to a well-imagined plot. And the central issue remains with us. Should our fears for our national security ever over-ride our Constitution? What happens when megalomania of our would-be defenders becomes the source of undermining our political way of life?
With each order placed through jacksonst-books.com, we'll include a freebie: a publisher's Advance Reading Copy. Mention you saw us here in the "Questions for the Bookseller"



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Friday, February 26, 2010

The Opinuary Column



The Opinion "The turn indicator switch in your car is not there for decorative purposes" has died. As it turns out, the turn indicator in our automobiles is there to hang jewelry and small scarfs upon, though it can be employed to wink at other vehicles when you are feeling horny. Seems like it was only last year when the Opinion was left on for about two hundred miles during a drive in Aunt Maude's Pontiac and expired just as she shifted into third gear. What a gal.

The Opinion was born during a simpler time in America, when racism and the subjugation of the female were a birthright of white men of all creeds, when the dream of driving a really fast car into a wall at full throttle thrilled every boy down to the bottom of his pants. America could go farther, faster, and leave a bigger stain than just about any other lover on the planet. The turn indicator was the only splotch on that manly record, as the act of letting others know just what your intentions were as a driver was a sure sign of weakness, of femininity, of repressed Democrat longings. Grandpa didn't call Kruschev on the phone to let him know when he planned to invade, and the same goes for us and that Putin guy, who Sarah Palin eyes hungrily as she watches him backing his Moskvich 410 into his garage.

Services for the Opinion will be held at some unknown date in the future, and you're just going to have to figure out what that day is for yourself. Not gonna tell you where the memorial will be held either. That would be weak. Should the services swerve into your unincorporated part of the county just be thankful it was manly enough to suppress any gay commie ideas about "sharing" and "oh, don't hit me, Mr. Big American" when it laid its rubber on your road. The next time you're on the freeway, and you feel like moving your fat ass across three lanes of traffic like a Sharpie skating across a sheet of Dundler Mifflin's finest, think about your country first, and then go for it--but don't signal. Remember: we're all in this separately.

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Thursday, February 25, 2010

A Silicone Dream Deferred

Maggie Gallagher
Institute for Marriage and Public Policy
National Organization For Marriage

Dear Mrs. Gallagher,

Another beauty queen ally in our Glorious War Against Those Who Stuff Homosexualism Down Our Throats (GWATWSHDOT) is in trouble. The City of Beverly Hills renounced any relationship it had with Miss Beverly Hills, Lauren Ashley, after she cited Leviticus and advocated executing homosexualists.

Without your help, this shameful assault on this young Christian woman could destroy her chances to achieve her full beauty queen potential. After all the trouble with Carrie Prejean, this poor woman has no chance of getting the boob job awarded to past Miss Californias should she win that contest. And now that she's been rebuked by the City of Beverly Hills, plastic surgery's silicone valley, the doors to the best boob engineering facilities in the world are closed to her.

It's up to you to provide her with the tahtahs she needs to continue to fight for the God-ordained right to commit righteous genocide. You have the resources to fund an emergency breast augmentation trip to India. You must use them.

But first, you may want to ckeck the internets tubes for nude photos and sex videos. You don't want to go through that Prejean mess again.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Ending Blastocistcide by Punishing Caffeine-Fueled Acts of Recklessness

Sen. Margaret Dayton
Utah State Senate

Dear Sister Sen. Dayton,

Congratulations on the passage of your bill to punish women whose "reckless acts" lead to miscarriages. Finally, the state has the hammer it needs to ensure that the sisters follow the Word of Wisdom that God passed onto the Prophet Joseph.

Now, when one of our wilder, caffeine-enslaved sisters has a miscarriage, we can accuse her of recklessness, and lock her up, away from the temptations of coffee, tea, Pepsi, and Mountain Dew. More importantly, our pregnant sisters who live in BYU's married housing will now think twice before heading off campus to find a coke machine.

But what if they should drink Dr Pepper in secret so no record of their recklessness exists? Shouldn't simply having a miscarriage be sufficient evidence that a woman acted recklessly? Brother Glen Beck must think so. That's why he rebukes those who miscarry.

Let's simply jail them all. Better yet, let's put the reckless not-men in stocks so the righteous can poke them with pointed sticks and shower them with rotten fruit.

Heterosexually yours, in a chaste, biblical, and Zarahemlan kind of way.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Scarlet Child

Del. Bob Marshall
Virginia House of Delegates

Dear Del. Marshall,

As a biblical literalist, I applaud you for your courageous declaration that God punishes wicked women by giving their babies birth defects. It's about time someone told the truth about the handicapped--far from being "special," they are punishments, very visible punisments--little scarlet babies announcing to the world that their mothers are adultresses and murderers, .

But are you ready to confront such women and denounce them for their sins? Is that not the purpose of a scarlet letter? How will these women understand the gravity of their crimes if they are not made to despise themselves for prompting the Lord to curse them with a special-needs child?

What about Sarah Palin? Have you spoken with her? What was her sin?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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Monday, February 22, 2010

Yabba Dabba Dallas

Terri Leo
Texas Sate School Board

Dear Mrs. Leo,

It looks like your hard work fighting heretical scientists is finally achieving results. According to a recent poll, 30 percent of all Texans now believe that people coexisted with dinosaurs.

But as good as thirty percent is, it's not a hundred percent--there is much more you can do. It's time to take another look at your biology curriculum to see if it's providing the faith-based instruction our children need.

From what I understand, the curriculum fails to even mention the most important evidence confirming human-dinosaur relations. The Bedrock Drawings are a series of pictures that when stitched together in the correct order offer an animated look at a stone-age family and its dinosaur pets and dinosaur-powered appliances and communications and lawn-care equipment.

But it's what's not there, that makes the Bedrock Drawings especially useful for education purposes. Stone-age people did not have sex. Heck, the guys didn't even have thingies. Masturbation was unknown. What a world it must have been.

Sure, the lack of an outlet made Mr. Slate angry, but that's a small price to pay if it means ending bad touching.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblical, and unitless kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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Saturday, February 20, 2010

Department of Books Reports: The Invention of Air

Steven Johnson's The Invention of Air: A Story of Science, Faith, Revolution, and The Birth of America (Riverhead Books Now in paperback! $16.00) centers upon the figure of 18th century intellectual luminary, Joseph Priestley. In an era that included such figures as Dr. Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, Antoine Lavosier, as well as the French Philosophes, Priestley still remains an intellectual giant. Not only was he the man who discovered oxygen (although he did not get the chemistry of his discovery and Lavosier was the scientist who named the element), he was a political thinker who supported both the American and French revolutions, and minister as well, who founded with Theophilus Lindsey the first official Unitarian denomination in England.

Johnson explores the milieu in which Priestley made his discoveries. He examines both Thomas Kuhn's notion of Scientific revolution, as well as Karl Marx's notion of dialectics, in order to explain how this unlikely man (who also discovered the idea of soda water) could make the discoveries he did, and finds both models incomplete. Johnson examines the London Coffee Club which provided a culture where Priestley could share his ideas with his friends, including Franklin. The group Priestly belonged to was the Honest Whigs; in the 18th century, the notion that one could separate science from religion and politics did not occur to them, and many lively discussions were had. (Johnson rightly notes that science is not ever far removed from politics, reminding us of the issues of global warming and stem cell research.) Johnson also discusses the changing social landscape of England and its contributions to Priestley's thought, with the coal rich and indutrializing northern England, as opposed to the agrarian south.

Priestley suffered for his radical political positions. In the end of his time in England's green and pleasant lands, rioters burned down his home in England, which prompted him to become the first of many men of science who would someday emigrate to the fledgling American republic. Even in the last decade of his life, Priestley could not avoid politics. Only the intervention of his one-time friend, President John Adams, kept him from being prosecuted under the Alien and Sedition Acts.

In his lifetime, he also published a work taking on what he considered the corruptions of the English church, a work that much influenced his other great American friend, Thomas Jefferson's version of the Bible. Whatever the stereotypes of the Church now, to be a Unitarian in the 18th century was to be a heretic. Unitarians denied the concept of the Trinity (hence Unitarian and not Trinitarians) as well as the divinity of Jesus. Unitarians could not hold public office in England. In America, there was no such prohibition.
The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Steven Johnson
www.colbertnation.com
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Johnson has written a superior and fascinating intellectual history, one that will reward any reader. Now, one of these days, I need to read another novel. But as long as books like this get published, it may be a while.

And if I may be indulged a couple of asides. First, my friends over at The Political Carnival, GottaLaff and Paddy, have done some great work on the detainees at Gitmo, which was discussed on David Shuster's show on Friday. Go please take a look.

Disclaimer: This is a re-run from last year. The following movie was shown last year, but we'd still love to see you in SL!
I also want to reiterate the General's invitation to join us Second Life progressives at tonight's showing of A Soldier's Peace. After the show and the interview, we will have some live music, courtesy of the author of the piece, Zathras Afarensis, and then I will spin some tunes. Please feel free to join us. We have many people who would be happy to mentor new SLers, including my wife, the lovely BookemJackson Streeter.




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Friday, February 19, 2010

The Opinuary Column



The Opinion "A white person flying an airplane into a US Government building with the intent to do grave harm is committing a terrorist act" has died as a result of being flown by a white person into a US Government building apparently with the intent to do grave harm. According to those science-crowd types, flying planes into buildings is really bad for planes and the people who fly them, and not very good for buildings (and the people inside them) either. The Opinion was believed to have been born at FOX News in the late 1990s, but who can remember back that far?

The Opinion had seeped into the public/media's consciousness over the past decade, during which time it was somehow decided that terrorists could not, by definition, be White American Males (WAM). Though Timothy McVeigh had attacked his country in April of 1995 it was established that he was not a "terrorist" but rather "a concerned Caucasian citizen." McVeigh was later depicted in a rather famous Bud Light advertisement as the "Too heavy" portion of the "too light/too heavy" campaign. But not "too white."

Services for the late Opinion are pending as of this writing, however when they do take place you can be assured they will be white: very, very white. And if you have a small, white child who wants to be a terrorist when he or she grows up, break it gently to the tender soul that such a lofty dream is impossible, explaining patiently that such a child cannot by definition be a terrorist--the best said child might hope for would be to grow up and become a traitor to the nation, and if lucky, a mass murderer to boot.

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The Opinuary Column arrives most Fridays at Jesus' General.

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Thursday, February 18, 2010

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Faith-Based Pre-Natal Care

Joshua DuBois
White House Office of Faith-based and Neighborhood Partnerships

Dear Mr. Dubois,

A fellow man of God needs our help. The Australian government fired psychologist Mark Edward Tynan for taking a faith-based approach with his patients. Apparently, the government objected to his work with fetuses who were being "programmed" by the Illuminati.

The programming consisted of exposing them "to ‘hostile chemicals’ [ingested] by the mother or by injecting it into the amniotic fluid and poking with needles." Additionally, the Illuminati applied electrical shocks the the pre-born. The shocks and the chemicals caused the fetuses to experience their "first death/near death experience and the first sense of intense fear or terror." In other words, the Illuminati are recruiting our unborn babies by scaring the Jesus out of them.

Let me assure you that Pastor Tynan acted professionally in his practice. He consulted with experts and invited demon exorcists to assist in his sessions.

It'd be a shame if all his knowledge and experience went to waste. I hope you will consider inviting him to serve on your staff.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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Monday, February 15, 2010

We don't need no education

Sen. Chris Buttars
Utah State Senate

Dear Brother Buttars,

As much as I like your idea to save the state money by getting rid of the twelfth grade, I wonder why just the senior year. Kids have all the reading and ciphering education they need by the seventh grade. All that's left is the fancy math, like algebra, and that was invented by Muslims and scientists like Newton. Do we really want to expose our children to such influences?

They'd be better off learning a trade by serving as apprentices. Consider what such an influx of twelve-year-old apprentices would do for the economy. It could very well bring about the rebirth of such industries as haberdashery, barrel making, and narrow-vein clean-coal mining.

Of course, I'm just talking about the guys here. As priesthood holders, God entrusts young twelve-year-old men with more theological power and responsibility than their mothers will ever achieve. If they're old enough for the Aaronic Priesthood, their old enough to mine a few tons of coal, don't you think?

We can marry off the girls to widowers and returned missionaries.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian

Elsewhere: Brother Buttars Big Buggery Camp For Boys.

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Sunday, February 14, 2010

Before the Law: ICE Gatekeepers Keeping Immigrants Outside Courts, Legal System


Before the Law: ICE Gatekeepers Keeping Immigrants Outside Courts, Legal System
Image © Austin Cline
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One of the things which is supposed to differentiate modern liberal democracies from totalitarian, dictatorial, and fascist states is the principle of transparency: what the government does — and especially what it does to its own citizens — occurs out in the open for all to see. This helps ensure that the question "Quis custodiet ipsos custodes," translated as "Who will guard the guards themselves?" or "Who watches the watchmen," is "We will watch them."

But the people cannot watch, much less guard, the guardians when government actions are cloaked in secrecy and buried in bureaucratic mazes. This helps authoritarian regimes of various sorts survive because it's hard to rebel when you don't know for sure where the government is or what is can do. This also helps democracies crash because a democratic system requires that sovereignty be invested in the people — and people are not sovereign if officers of the state can simply make them "disappear" without trial, due process, good reason, or anything else that citizens in a liberal democracy assume are necessary aspects of their legal system.



Immigration and Customs Enforcement's Undocumented Status

The Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) is responsible for dealing with those who are most easily subjected to a nightmare of undocumented incarceration: undocumented immigrants. James Pendergraph, who was at the time executive director of ICE's Office of State and Local Coordination, told a conference of local law enforcement personnel that "If you don't have enough evidence to charge someone criminally but you think he's illegal, we can make him disappear."

Read that again, slowly: a federal law enforcement official openly admitted that without even enough evidence of criminal activity to charge someone with a crime, never mind secure a conviction in a court of law, it's possible to make that person "disappear." They can be held by the government in an undocumented location for undocumented transgressions for an undocumented amount of time without ever turning over any documents to any court, lawyer, or family member. And yet, it's the people being detained who are accused of being "undocumented."

This is a bit like bombing innocent civilians and then accusing them of being "terrorists." Oh wait, Obama is doing that, too.



Immigration and Customs Enforcement's Suburban Gulag

How is ICE able to detain who-knows-how-many people in this way? They do it right under our noses: ICE controls nearly 200 sites in suburban office parks and commercial spaces all around us, but which are not on any official lists of ICE office locations. These sites are thus themselves undocumented, at least as far as the public is concerned, because their existence is not released on public lists and the buildings themselves do not inform the people in surrounding areas that they are a government space.

What's more, our government certainly doesn't inform anyone that these are detention sites where dozens of human beings are kept against their will. People go to work or even live near these detention centers without having any knowledge of what their government is doing to other people every day. It seems to me that America needs its own Bastille Day — one that can take place at approximately 200 different sites simultaneously around the country. If the government is going to pull a shroud over activities like this, Americans need to rip that shroud off, by force if necessary.

Jacqueline Stevens reports:


It is not surprising to find that, with no detention rules and being off the map spatially and otherwise, ICE agents at these locations are acting in ways that are unconscionable and unlawful. According to Ahilan Arulanantham, director of Immigrant Rights for the ACLU of Southern California, the Los Angeles subfield office called B-18 is a barely converted storage space tucked away in a large downtown federal building.

"You actually walk down the sidewalk and into an underground parking lot. Then you turn right, open a big door and voilĂ , you're in a detention center," Arulanantham explained. Without knowing where you were going, he said, "it's not clear to me how anyone would find it. What this breeds, not surprisingly, is a whole host of problems concerning access to phones, relatives and counsel."

It's also not surprising that if you're putting people in a warehouse, the occupants become inventory. Inventory does not need showers, beds, drinking water, soap, toothbrushes, sanitary napkins, mail, attorneys or legal information, and can withstand the constant blast of cold air.

The US residents held in B-18, as many as 100 on any given day, were treated likewise. B-18, it turned out, was not a transfer area from point A to point B but rather an irrationally revolving stockroom that would shuttle the same people briefly to the local jails, sometimes from 1 to 5 am, and then bring them back, shackled to one another, stooped and crouching in overpacked vans.

These transfers made it impossible for anyone to know their location, as there would be no notice to attorneys or relatives when people moved. At times the B-18 occupants were left overnight, the frigid onslaught of forced air and lack of mattresses or bedding defeating sleep. The hours of sitting in packed cells on benches or the concrete floor meant further physical and mental duress.




Kafka: The Prophet of Obama's America

To call this "Kafkaesque" would be an understatement because it's way too close to what Kafka himself actually wrote.

Consider these passages from his unfinished novel The Trial. First we have the manner in which the court and court offices are hidden among the housing of the poor:


The examining judge certainly wouldn't be sitting and waiting in the attic. The wooden stairs would explain nothing to him however long he stared at them. Then K. noticed a small piece of paper next to them, went across to it and read, in a childish and unpractised hand, "Entrance to the Court Offices".

Were the court offices here, in the attic of this tenement, then? If that was how they were accommodated it did not attract much respect, and it was some comfort for the accused to realise how little money this court had at its disposal if it had to locate its offices in a place where the tenants of the building, who were themselves among the poorest of people, would throw their unneeded junk.


Then we have the unpleasant conditions in which people caught up in trials are expected to sit through:


The air in the room was muggy and extremely oppressive, those who were standing furthest away could hardly even be seen through it.

K. made no reply, but it was actually not the heat that made him uncomfortable but, much more, the stuffiness, the air that almost made it more difficult to breathe, the room had probably not been ventilated for a long time.


I guess these undocumented immigrants should be happy that they are merely being placed in arbitrary, unreviewed detention. They could simply be assassinated through an arbitrary, unreviewed determination that they are "terrorists". Undocumented immigrants are merely being warehoused like inventory rather than executed, in Kafka's words, "like a dog."



I apologize for not posting sermons recently. If this sermon sounds a bit like "old news," it's because I've been trying to finish it for almost four weeks now. Last week we lost power for the weekend, as so many others did. Before that, and ongoing now, I've been caring for a very sick cat. Most of my free time has been in the vet's office, in an emergency clinic, or just holding her. Thursday I was told that she probably only had 2 to 6 months to live and now we're just trying to make sure she's comfortable and happy for the time she has left.




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Saturday, February 13, 2010

Department of Books Reports: The Paranoid Style in American Politics

In the wake of the nomination of Barry Goldwater for President by the GOP in 1964, and at what was probably the height of the influence of the John Birch Society as an organization, American historian Richard Hofstadter wrote this magnificent essay for Harper's Magazine. It is well worth reading and has been collected in book form as "The Paranoid Style in American Politics and Other Essays" (Vintage Books $15.95).

He begins by stating:
"American politics has often been an arena for angry minds. In recent years we have seen angry minds at work mainly among extreme right-wingers, who have now demonstrated in the Goldwater movement how much political leverage can be got out of the animosities and passions of a small minority. But behind this I believe there is a style of mind that is far from new and that is not necessarily right-wing. I call it the paranoid style simply because no other word adequately evokes the sense of heated exaggeration, suspiciousness, and conspiratorial fantasy that I have in mind."


Hofstadter goes on to define the Paranoid style:
"The paranoid spokesman sees the fate of conspiracy in apocalyptic terms — he traffics in the birth and death of whole worlds, whole political orders, whole systems of human values. He is always manning the barricades of civilization... he does not see social conflict as something to be mediated and compromised, in the manner of the working politician. Since what is at stake is always a conflict between absolute good and absolute evil, what is necessary is not compromise but the will to fight things out to a finish. Since the enemy is thought of as being totally evil and totally unappeasable, he must be totally eliminated — if not from the world, at least from the theatre of operations to which the paranoid directs his attention. This demand for total triumph leads to the formulation of hopelessly unrealistic goals, and since these goals are not even remotely attainable, failure constantly heightens the paranoid’s sense of frustration. Even partial success leaves him with the same feeling of powerlessness with which he began, and this in turn only strengthens his awareness of the vast and terrifying quality of the enemy he opposes."


And the "enemy" looks a lot like this:
"The enemy is clearly delineated: he is a perfect model of malice, a kind of amoral superman—sinister, ubiquitous, powerful, cruel, sensual, luxury-loving. Unlike the rest of us, the enemy is not caught in the toils of the vast mechanism of history, himself a victim of his past, his desires, his limitations. He wills, indeed he manufactures, the mechanism of history, or tries to deflect the normal course of history in an evil way. He makes crises, starts runs on banks, causes depressions, manufactures disasters, and then enjoys and profits from the misery he has produced. The paranoid’s interpretation of history is distinctly personal: decisive events are not taken as part of the stream of history, but as the consequences of someone’s will. Very often the enemy is held to possess some especially effective source of power: he controls the press; he has unlimited funds; he has a new secret for influencing the mind (brainwashing); he has a special technique for seduction (the Catholic confessional)."


Resonant, no? And from 1964 it only looks worse. Once again I can highly recommend Dave Neiwert's The Eliminationists, which I discussed here.

So why am I bringing this up? Well, for my next few reports, I want to examine some fictional works, and their film adaptations from the 1960's as well as some more contemporary works that involve the "paranoid style" and what those works said about us as a people then, and what they may say about us now. I'm thinking of such books as Fletcher Knebel and Charles Bailey's "Seven Days in May", Eugene Burdick and Harvey Wheeler's "Fail-Safe" (and possibly their other novel from 1958, "The Ugly American"), Peter George's "Red Alert" (filmed by Stanley Kubrick as "Dr. Strangelove...." and Philip K. Dick's "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep", among others. And this is where you gentlefolk can help me. I'd like to hear your suggestions. Feel free to put them into the comments section. I think we can have a fruitful and, fun, discussion.

In the meantime, I still have not seen the long-awaited cookbook by democommie. And I'm getting hungry.




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Friday, February 12, 2010

The Opinuary Column



The Opinion "Corporations should have the same civil rights as afforded to the nation's human population" has died in a skiing accident in Aspen, Colorado. At the time of its death it had a blood alcohol content of .38%, and traces of Xtasy, hash oil and Dilaudid were also found in its system. And speed. And anti-depressants. And cocaine. Neighbors reported that the Opinion had been hosting an increasing number of parties in the past few weeks, and police had been called out a number of times due to complaints about the noise from loud music, etc. Additional complaints were lodged concerning the vomiting and public urination in the area around the Opinion's home.

The Opinion, a darling of plutocrats, oligarchists and some of the wealthiest assholes you will ever witness wreaking havoc on a country obliged to let them wreak, lived a happy childhood in the late 19th Century, when it was afforded a legal status equal to human beings. Alas, it lacked genitalia, so it could not reproduce like people, and it lacked a heart, so it could not feel like people: it was in fact an abstraction, and could not manifest itself in any way in the physical world except as a fictitious pronouncement. Though it could not laugh or cry, it did both with joy the day it became a person, much like the fictional Pinocchio had done when he at last became a boy and could start destroying the world bit by bit, piece by piece.

In January of 2010, the Supreme Court of the United States decided it was the Blue Fairy and would provide legal cover for its fake little human buddy to rule the country by way of the massive amounts of money it could inject into an already jaundiced political system. The vote was 5 to 4, the same margin that placed George W. Bush in the White House, known as the Ooh-la-la of coup d'etats...

In lieu of flowers the family of the late Opinion just wants you to know that you are nothing, that the deck is stacked, that the dice have been rigged, that the game is fixed. Should that bother you in any way, too bad: they don't even have to buy you off anymore. Good luck with that democracy thing. Quite an idea in its day.

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The Opinuary Column appears most Fridays at Jesus' General.

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Thursday, February 11, 2010

Strap-Ons of Doom

Bryan Fischer
Host, American Family Assn's "Focal Point"
Executive Director, Idaho Values Alliance

Dear Brother Fischer,

It looks like your suggestion that homosexualists be prosecuted caught the Southern Poverty Law Center's attention. They're basically calling you an idiot for compairing same-sex lovers to intravenous drug users. They note that while drug abuse is illegal, the courts have ruled laws against homsexualism to be unconstitutional. The SPLC also destroys your health threat argument by pointing out that "there has never been a confirmed case of female-to-female HIV transmission in the United States."

Now, I know what your thinking: "Not-men can't be homosexualists. They don't have 'little soldiers'." I thought that too until a femislamunistofascist snuck into one of our Spartan wrestling nights and violated me with a strap-on ReamMaster 5000 (just like the one Bill O'Reilly uses.)

It almost ruined Spartan-style wrestling for me. You don't expect to feel all that buzzing vibration at the moment of submission. Not only did it scare the living hell out of me, it caused me to briefly question my relationship with the Almighty. I thought God had given the younger guys a gift he'd denied our generation. That pissed me off.

Thank the Lord someone exposed my opponent after noticing her breasts were hairless and her belly was flat. Although the missing hair was explainable--we often wax before a match to allow the oil to provide us with a good even shine--the absense of a big beer belly betrayed the hormonal basis for the boobs.

I felt a lot better about God after figuring that out, but, I do miss those good vibrations. It made me feel all tingly in a purely heterosexual and warriorly kind of way.

Anyway, you have to figure out how to turn not-men homosexualists into a health threat if you're going to pull this off. Otherwise, you just look stupid.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Previously: Bryan rebukes the todger waggers.

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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Republican Jesus Loves The Smell of Electrified Testicles in the Morning


Marcy Wheeler (who is currently doing a fundraiser) has more on why we Serious-Americans prefer torture to more effective and Constitutionally-acceptable interrogation techniques.

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Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Erick Erickson, Red State, Glass House

RedState.com's Erick Erickson is the kind of guy who's always a hit with the not-men. Squat and pink in stature and complexion, he's like a big valentine body pillow, the kind a good white Christian woman loves to collapse against after serving her menfolk all day long. And his face, what not-man couldn't love that, a thin white balloon stretched taut over a strawberry Jello and cottage cheese salad. He's the food of my people, incarnate.

But that's not the only reason the ladies love him. They dig his outspoken manner as well. He's not afraid to speak the conservative truth. He's not afraid to say that libosocialist women are "too ugly to get a date" and that "ugly feminists [should] return to their kitchens."

No wonder he's become a CNN mainstay.

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Monday, February 08, 2010

Ron Paul's White Money

Scott Shock
Silver Source Northwest

Dear Mr Shock,

As a fellow Republican activist and Teabagger-American, I support your efforts to replace the Federal Reserve's phony paper specie with real, honest-to-God silver. I'm particularly impressed with the quality of the silver coins you're introducing into our economy. Your George Bush and Dick Cheney "neocoins" are superb, and every Patriot-American should be using your Ron Paul and Jefferson Davis Dixie coins to purchase the .50 cal ammo they'll need to take out the Demislamunistofascists's socialist tanks and fighter jets.

After looking at the Paul and Jeff Davis coins, it occurred to me that they have a lot in common. That should be reflected in some way on the coins. Paul and Davis shared a hatred of blacks; their coins should share a reverse image illustrating that hatred.

The back of the Davis coin is already there with the stars and bars. It shouldn't be too hard to put the same image on the Paul coin. But you should also consider adding a Ron Paul quote about black people to the stars and bars design.

Here are a few quotes from Ron Paul's newsletter for your consideration:

"We are constantly told that it is evil to be afraid of black men, but it is hardly irrational. Black men commit murders, rapes, robberies, muggings, and burglaries all out of proportion to their numbers."

"Perhaps the L.A. experience should not be surprising. The riots, burning, looting, and murders are only a continuation of 30 years of racial politics."

"Opinion polls consistently show that only about 5% of blacks have sensible political opinions."

"I think we can safely assume that 95% of the black males in that city are semi-criminal or entirely criminal."

Let me know if you need anymore help.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


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Sunday, February 07, 2010

Down Syndrome vs. Retardation Explained

This is a guest post by mjs. The words contained herein do not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of General JC Christian, Patriot.

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After watching all the recent coverage of Sarah Palin and the public and private use of the word "retard" as a pejorative, I decided to go to the top for an answer: I asked God to explain the difference between Down Syndrome and Mental Retardation. God was kind enough to send me an email in response to my query, about 1/20th of a second after I asked for it. If God ever opened up a restaurant you wouldn't be sitting around, wondering where your food is. It would be in front of you before you could say jumping jehosaphat. That is one fast deity, no doubt about it. Here is God's response:

Dear Child Born of Sin: Down Syndrome is a chromosomal disorder caused by the presence of all or part of an extra 21st chromosome. Trig Palin, the son of Sarah Palin, has Down Syndrome.

Sarah Palin differs from her son in that she suffers from Mental Retardation which for her is a plus. She is able to condemn the usage of the word "retard" if the person using it has different politics than she does, but can actually defend its usage if the person uttering the word is important on her side of the aisle.

To sum up: Sarah Palin's son Trig has Down Syndrome. Sarah Palin herself has gone Full Retard. Rahm Emanuel should be fired for using the word "retarded" and Rush Limbaugh is just okey-dokey-peachy-keen, no matter what he does. Rush is that good.

Glad I could clear that up for you.

Love,

God

p.s. Sorry about the chromosome problem vis a vis Down Syndrom--I mostly do it to the fetuses of older women anyway. Who would have thought people would be living so long? When I created...oh, shit, here come the wife. Gotta go.

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Saturday, February 06, 2010

Department of Book Reports: A Twisted Faith

A Twisted Faith, By Gregg Olsen (St. Martin's Press $25.99)
Using actual interviews with the community, Gregg Olsen has written a True Crime book that reads like a novel. The town of Bainbridge and its residents across the Sound from Seattle are honestly portrayed here.

Nick Hacheney is the up-and-coming Youth Pastor at Christ Community Assembly when his wife tragically dies, in a day after Christmas fire at their home. The police and fire departments rely on the local coroner's office verdict that a crushed larnyx caused Dawn to die with no smoke in her lungs. Other troubling clues that were overlooked initially won't surface for several years. The church rallies around him, but soon rumors of inappropriate contact with a woman going through his Marriage Counseling surface. And then, another rumor. As the church shifts and begins to set out on it's own Apostolic journey, these hints are dismissed and simply not linked up.

Amazingly, it takes several years for this to finally come to light. By that time Nick has seduced 5 members of the congregation and manipulates these women for his own sexual quest. Justice will come to town, but it will take a long time.

Gregg Olsen has been a prolific author, documenting the Stella Nickells' Excederin capsule poisoning, Mary Kay Letourneaus' quest for true love, to the turn of the century Health Spa that starved its clients to death in Starvation Heights. He isn't flashy or gratuitous of his subjects, but treats them with respect and a critical eye.
A Twisted Faith is a fascinating look inside a church undone by murder and sexual obsession.

Thanks again to Gregg and St Martin's for my copy! It was a great read. I'm hoping he'll join us soon in Second Life and compare what we've learned of other Apostolic churches.

And today, at Noon Pacific Time, Peter May will be reading and discussing Virtually Dead, at Lacamas Hall in SL. Hope you can join us!



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Friday, February 05, 2010

The Opinuary Column



The Opinion "The iconic symbol of the GOP is the glorious elephant" has died, having been trampled to death by the new, and profoundly more apt symbol of the Grand Old Party: the Ransom Note. The Opinion spent its last days stamping its feet and shaking its head side to side, apparently in homage to Rush Limbaugh.

The use of the elephant as a representation of Republicans had been employed for 135 years having originally sprung from the artistry of political cartoonist Thomas Nast. Large, fat and enslaved to its financial backers, the elephant did yeoman's work for the better part of a century and a third, until at last it was discarded in favor of open extortion. The GOP denies this fact, which is not remarkable as it does by dint of habit deny most facts as a matter of course.

Services for the late Opinion will be held this coming Tuesday, unless $5,000,000.00 in American currency is delivered personally to me at my usual watering hole by halftime of this coming Sunday's Super Bowl game. Failing that, the ponderous pachyderm of patriarchal politics shall become a ghost, albeit a rather large one. In lieu of flowers the late GOP symbol's family asks that you remember to make private your profits and public your costs, and don't be afraid to use a little muscle to shake down the halls of government. Tell 'em Guido sent you.

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The Opinuary Column appears most Fridays at Jesus' General.

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From the Tomb of the Well Known Ransom
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Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Homosexualists Over The Wire

General James T. Conway
Commandant of the Marine Corps

Dear Gen. Conway,

It's a shame your opposition to repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," is resulting in your name becoming a synonym for "insecure bigoted neanderthal." Folks just don't understand the difficulties the repeal would cause the Corps.

The battle to remain heterosexually pure is tough enough for the average guy; it must be extremely difficult in the hyper-masculine culture of the Marine Corps'. All those hard bodies doing drills, running maneuvers, and showering together. It's a testament to each Marine's faith in God that they aren't constantly putting their little howitzers in each others mouths right there on the parade ground.

I'm afraid DADT repeal will change all that. In an organization as large as the Corps, it'll result in at least a couple of Marines publicly proclaiming themselves to be committed to homosexualism.

And that's where the trouble starts, because every other Marine who ever wrestled naked with one of these self-admitted homosexualists will begin to question his own commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle.

I can almost hear their minds at work: "Hey, I oiled that guys cannon at least 137 times late at night in the barracks...am I really straight?" or "He might have been the guy on the other side of the gap in the latrine wall...am I a homosexualist too?"

I'm not just guessing here. We've seen it all before after the Gomer Pile exposure. It sent Sgt Carter into a tailspin. Last I heard he lives on a llama ranch with some guy named Enrique and a cat. Yes, a cat.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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Defending our Prophets Against Whaleofascism

Doug Phillips
Producer for Jesus

Dear Mr. Phillips,

I can't wait to see your documentary, "The Galapagos Whaling Controversy: A Christian Perspective" . From what I'm hearing, it finally exposes the membership of the anti-whaling activist group, Sea Shepherd, for what they truly are--animal-loving, Darwin-worshiping agents of the Lord of Greeness, Satan.

And what a vile group they are. Armed with stink bombs to sicken crewmen and nylon cord to foul propellers, they've spent the last few winters thwarting the will of Japan's finest, the courageous admirals of industry who provide whale flesh to a blubber-hungry public for dining "research."

Now, Sea Shepherd has stepped it up a notch by allowing the Japanese "whaling research" security vessel, the Shonan Maru No. 2, to ram one of their boats as it sat drifting in the water, waiting to be fueled (video).

But as you note in your press release, this is more than a war between ecoslamunistofascism and sushi shintoism. It's a Christian conflict as well. It's another front in the Great Crusade against the UnJesused, a strategic campaign to overcome the dark forces of Darwinism.

I hope your film includes a section describing the genesis of the conflict between Judeo-Christians and whales. It's a vital piece of information. Whales are beautiful, majestic creatures of Satan. People will side with them unless they remember that a whale started this war by swallowing Jonah. I like to think of it as the Judeo-Christian Pearl Harbor, a day that will live in infamy, the moment the whale kingdom declared war against Christianity by swallowing a prophet of the Lord.

It's why I never go on a cruise. I suspect the same is true for Dr. Dobson, Rep. Shimkus, Glenn Beck, and other prophets. We don't want to be swallowed up.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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Monday, February 01, 2010

Taking on the "Climate Alarmists"

Rep. Kerry W. Gibson
Utah House of Representatives

Dear Rep Gibson,

As an admirer of the oil industry and the humble, god-fearing CEOs who lead it, I want to thank you for taking on the sciencislamunistofascists with your resolution on global warming.

I particularly enjoyed the part where the resolution calls them, "climate alarmists," and accuses them of committing a "climate data conspiracy." I suspect a real climate expert like Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter must have helped out with the language--it sounds that authoritative.

I also enjoyed the part where you accused the seditious scientists of "manipulating or pressuring peer-reviewed publications to keep contrary or competing scientific viewpoints and findings on global warming from being reviewed and published." It's no wonder none of our researchers allow their work to be peer reviewed--the bastards will just tear it apart.

And then there's the part that says "federal government grants may have influenced the climate research focus and 54 findings that have produced a "scientific consensus" at research institutions and universities." Of course that's the case. The oil industry can't compete with that kind of funding. It's far too busy researching new ways to store money.

I hope you're planning to sponsor other resolutions like this one. We need to hit sciencislamunistofacism on every front. They've gotten away with dismissing anything faith-based for far too long. It's time the government forced scientists to admit that Native Americans are Jews, how underwear can save lives, and that God lives on a planet in Kolob's solar system.

You have the power to make it happen.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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