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Saturday, October 30, 2010

Department of Book Reports: Boarding Instructions

Boarding Instructions by Ray Vukcevich (Fairwood Press, $16.99) Today I get to tell you about a new book from a favorite author, Second Life's own Ookami Moonbeam. You may remember him from last December's report & SL Salon with the Interfictions 2 authors. Ookami, is in real life, Ray Vukcevich, a writer from Eugene, Oregon. His fiction isn't easily characterized into any one or two genres, and the definition of Interfiction suits nicely:
What is interstitial art? It is art made in the interstices between genres and categories. It is art that flourishes in the borderlands between different disciplines, mediums, and cultures. It is art that crosses borders, made by artists who refuse to be constrained by category labels.

This is a short story collection, so I can't really give you a plot outline here. For those of you who don't read short stories and prefer full length novels, have no fear, these short pieces will satisfy. I don't dream often, or at least I don't remember dreams in the waking hours, but the last two wisps of dreams I woke up with in the morning had elements and plot bits from Ray's fiction.

I can show you where to read a couple samples, Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Boy, or this delightful piece about weather in Miles and Miles of Broccoli. You can find other links on his website or

I do recommend this book to ensure you never look at grocery lists or airline flights the same again. I'd also like to thank Fairwood Press for sending me an advance copy of a favorite author.

Boarding Instructions is debuting this weekend at this weekends World Fantasy Con, and we'll be able to ship out next week. Boarding Instructions and Interfictions 2 are books are available at Jackson Street Books and other fine Independent bookstores.As always, books ordered here will have a freebie publishers Advance Reading Copy included as a thank you to our blogosphere friends.

Friday, October 29, 2010

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God*" has been stomped on, tasered, riddled with bullets, blown up by a drone aircraft, disappeared, tortured, maimed, squashed, violated, raped, shit upon, pummeled, decapitated, buggered, imprisoned, murdered, squashed, assassinated, disemboweled, poisoned, asphyxiated, lynched, pulverized, deleted, flayed, cremated, thrashed, throttled, torn apart, bombed and bitten to death. The richest bastards in the game have paid off the Lord, and the glittering palaces and majestic boulevards of the Heavenly Kingdom reflect the new owners' aesthetics: the Gates of Heaven have been reinforced with fools gold, forged in the fiery battlements of Hell. The Opinion was bought out during a hostile takeover, and heaven has never looked more malevolent, removed, cold and cruel. Yahweh/God has accepted his golden parachute and exited the building, to pursue adventures in lands not yet created, to work on projects that remain a mystery to us all.

The Opinion was born in a quaint little thatched hut built of morality and justice, wherein it thrived wondrously in its modest confines, and spent its early days laughing and running and playing, while keeping an eye upon the horizon for something it could not quite see. Upon reaching adulthood it left home and wandered the countryside, often spying the common folk who labored in the sun and shivered in the cold--such experiences reminded it that the mystery of being was no less complicated for the poor than for the rich, except that the ability to exploit one's fellow man increased with the concomitant increase in capital. The Opinion came to know that a tension existed in the world, one of tidal movements that surged and ebbed as the times changed, and that sometimes things had to get really bad before the tide could come back in and wash away the crimes of man. Sometimes the crimes were so bad that no single tide could do the job, and the sands at the edge of the sea glistened with blood and despair. No matter: the Opinion knew that humanity had a greater depth than mere wealth and power, and so was happy to remind anyone who would listen that flesh is fleeting, but the essence of the universe was an eternal one, and all who lived participated in that eternity, equally and fully.

Late in life the Opinion started drinking heavily, and after a series of bad investments found itself on the verge of bankruptcy. Unable to fend off its lenders, it sold its primary insight to the wealthiest people on the planet, who rewarded it by hiring a squad of goons to kill it just as soon as was humanly possible. Heaven is now filled with some of the wealthiest motherfuckers this world has ever known, even as children die forgotten in the streets, guilty of the crime of being poor and condemned to suffer. Paradise has been leveraged by Hell.

In lieu of flowers the family of the deceased would like lots and lots of money given to them, to spend as they see fit.

Arrangements by the Supreme Court of the United States of America.

*Matthew 19:24

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Case of the Wizard's Homosexualist Ass Accessory

Students, faculty, and administrators at Emory University are all asking the same question: "What the heck happened at the Sigma Nu house early last Saturday morning?"

One student, a wearer of wizard hats who prefers to remain anonymous, says a drunken Sigma Nu alum bullied him because he was gay:
“This guy approached me and asked why I was wearing my hat. ... I said that I like the hat, just as you like your pink shirt. He then asked me if I was gay, and I said I was. He then started choking me with his elbow and put me into a head lock, and he dragged me out of the party by my neck.”

After the student was allegedly dragged the approximately 10 to 15 feet from the house’s common area to the door and thrown onto the front lawn, Smith was overheard telling other attendees “Hey, this kid’s a faggot.”
The alleged perp, Adam Smith, denies that homophobia motivated him to apply his invisible hand to the homosexualist's throat. He says the trouble began when he made an inquiry as to why the student was hiding his butt cheeks under a heterosexually-challenged wizard cap:
Smith...asked the student: "Why are you wearing this gay ass hat?"
According to Smith, the Wizard replied in a manner that reeked of disrespect for his revered status as one of Sigma Nu's most prominent drunkards. Indeed, the homosexualist sorcerer taunted Smith by declaring he was wearing the "gay ass hat" for the "same reason you're wearing your pink shirt."

Smith says he saw this response as a challenge to his commitment the heterosexual lifestyle and responded in the the only way his vodka-soaked imagination would allow: he assaulted the young wizard.

The above quotes come from an article in the Emory Wheeler. It describes a classic he-said/he-said confrontation. The wizard says he was assaulted after he admitted he was gay. The drunk claims he assaulted the wizard because the wizard implied that they were both homosexualists. Although some might say that the fact that an assault was committed is reason enough to condemn the aspiring wino, others would suggest that the reason for the assault is more important--it determines whether the act was a hate crime or not.

Thankfully, the Case of the Wizard's Homosexualist Ass Accessory is solvable. Adam Smith, like most hopeless inebriates, doesn't know when to shut up. He clarifies his statements to the reporter by posting a comment about the article:
I am in NO WAY at all a homophobic person. I have many friends at Emory who will vouch for me as a friendly guy and a genuinely great person.


This whole dumb event occurred because I was drunk and thought it would be funny to throw someone out to the wrath of the huge security guard at the door, and the most ridiculous person that naturally stood out to me was this Wizard dressed kid. I purposely egged him on a little bit, he snapped back at me, and I threw him out.

So chalk this up as me being a drunk asshole, a frat guy with too much testosterone, or whatever you want to call me I really don't care. I just want everyone to know that that's literally all it was, that's the honest truth. I'm not some ignorant bigot looking to bash homosexuals, so please don't think that.
So there you have it. It wasn't a hate crime. Adam Smith isn't a homophobe. He's just a drunk asshole who likes to beat up on guys who wear "gay wizard ass hats."

In another comment, a very self-aware young woman chimes in:
Alright, for one, if this happened to a heterosexual do you really think there would be article written up? Come on. Really. What makes gays so special? They're just drama queens that need to harden up. They are not a special species of human. Sure, give them the same rights as a heterosexual. I don't even think that even then they'd be happy with equality. Anyway, I think Adam was just having fun and letting off steam. I just don't understand what the big deal was. Was this kid hurt? No. Just his gay pride. When will this gay thing end? Seriously, it's getting ridiculous. Being gay is not a defense nor should be used as one. He got rejected because he wore a stupid hat and stood out like a sore thumb. Not because he was gay. Everyone should get over it and move on with their day.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

An Ad for Rand Paul

Rand Paul: For an Orderly America

The Girlization of America

Diane Evertsen
Candidate, McHenry County (IL) Council, GOP
Co-Commander, Midwest Minutemen

Dear Mrs. Evertsen,

It's a shame your fear of the tolerance-o-fascists in the McHenry County electorate prompted you to delete your Midwest Minuteman blog. The true citizens of your county need to read your words, so they see what you stand for. They need to hear about the values you hold most dear, values like those expressed here:
Invaders from the Orient, Asia, Africa, Central and South America are invading the first world, and they are intent only upon conquest. [...] Americans have been duped by the left-wing notion of a “proposition nation” and by myths about third-world assimilation, neither of which will occur. Historically, nations have been built upon blood and soil, kith and kin, ancestral rites, and genealogical ties. A real nation is but an extension of a tribe, and this realization should be shared by all traditionalists, conservatives, paleolibertarians, patriotic liberals, union democrats, and moderates. The “creedal nation” (one only has to believe in propositions to be a good citizen) is a lie; it is but a Trojan horse to implement the third-world invasion of America.
The voters also need to see how you've avoided addressing an even greater threat to our nation. Of course, I'm talking about women, or as I call them, not-men. Sure, brown people are assaulting important parts of our culture with their hot chili dishes, danceable music, and sports that remove our Constitutional right to use our hands, but, good God, look what not-men have done to our nation. They've girlized it.

In my father's day, a man could scratch himself or loudy fart in public and no one would give a damn. Try doing either today, and you'll give everyone the vapors. And, of course, our Constitutional right to pee against a wall is completely gone. It went out with Billy Carter.

The thing is that not-men aren't like us. They can't grow cop mustaches. Their breasts aren't hairy. They don't wear mullets. Heck, from what I hear, most don't even have "little soldiers" down there. God dammit, I don't want to live in a nation where half the population isn't man enough to potentially sport a woody.

It just ain't right.

Heterosexually yours, in a chaste, biblical, and very white and manly kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Monday, October 25, 2010

Blessed are the Unregulated

More here and here:

When the voter followed up by asking, “Who’s protecting us?” [GOP House candidate Jesse] Kelly responded, “It’s our job to protect ourselves.” The exasperated voter asked once more, “Am I supposed to go to a chicken farmer and say I’d like you to close down because all of your birds are half dead?” Kelly once more answered, “There’s a new thing that comes along every day. But I know this: Every part of our economy that is regulated by the government doesn’t have fewer disasters, it has more.”

And a video:

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Department of Book Reports: The Fall Classic

Stepping outside on a crisp autumn day, the sun shines, and you know that the World Series is right around the corner. And there is nothing sweeter to a baseball fan. (For those of you who hate baseball, your long national nightmare will soon be over.) And despite the sour season that this humble book reporter's team, the lowly Seattle Mariners had, (and the equally sour one that friend Dave von E had with his beloved Chicago Cubs) it is a time of year that excites the mind and passion.

And with a hat tip to an old friend and bookseller, Marilyn, who recently blogged about great baseball books, I wanted to point out a few of my favorites. And where else to start but with Jim Bouton's classic account of his season with the Seattle Pilots (a team that played only one season before moving to Milwaukee) Ball Four. At the time his story was controversial. The book named names; it was not a fiction. That was Mickey Mantle with his fellow Yankee teammates atop the Shoreham Hotel, attempting to glimpse through the windows of young, nubile guests! Or his manager, Joe Schultz exclaiming, "Shitfuck! Pound that Budweiser and we'll get 'em tomorrow"! Still the best parts of the book are Bouton's own descriptions of attempting to comeback, throwing a knuckleball to get out Major League batters with a modicum of success, and his relationship with his fellow Pilots, as well as trying to juggle his profession and raising a young family. And recently, I talked about Dirk Hayhurst's chronicle of his minor league career in this book report of The Bullpen Gospels.

Roger Kahn's The Boys of Summer is also classic. In it, he describes his time covering the Brooklyn Dodgers team in the early '50's, followed by interviews with the players as they were in the early '70's. The Dodgers front office at the time hated the book, for reasons best known to themselves. Probably the best of the interview style books, though, is Lawrence Ritter's The Glory of Their Times. Ritter searched the country looking for ballplayers who had played in the early part of the 20th Century, and the interviews he had, which included Sam Crawford, Chief Myers (the Native American catcher and Dartmouth grad who caught Christy Mathewson), Lefty O'Doul among many others, and all of them fascinating. Not just about baseball, but about what life was like in America at that time. Another great inteview book, and broken down by season, is Danny Peary's They Played the Game, which features the baseball careers of 64 different players who played from 1946 to 1964. They played some tough baseball in the post-war era.

Books I haven't had a chance to read yet, but am looking forward to include Jane Leavy's The Last Boy: Mickey Mantle and the End of America's Childhood. If her previous book, Sandy Koufax: A Lefty's Legacy (a biography framed around the perfect game Koufax threw against the Giants in 1965), is any indication, this book should be great. I've also heard wonderful things about Doug Glanville's The Game Where I Stand: A Ballplayers Inside View. Glanville was a good Major League outfielder and I've been told that his writing style is both elegant and poetic.

And I would be remiss if I didn't mention the finest of magazine reporter's, Roger Angell who's articles for the New Yorker were collected in The Summer Game and Five Seasons. In the latter book, in his discussion of one of the greatest World Series ever played, between the Cincinnati Reds and the Boston Red Sox, he leaves us with the following quote about why some of us take this game seriously:
It is foolish and childish, on the face of it, to affiliate ourselves with anything so insignificant and patently contrived and commercially exploitive as a professional sports team, and the amused superiority and icy scorn that the non-fan directs at the sports nut (I know this look -- I know it by heart) is understandable and almost unanswerable. Almost. What is left out of this calculation, it seems to me, is the business of caring -- caring deeply and passionately, really caring -- which is a capacity or an emotion that has almost gone out of our lives. And so it seems possible that we have come to a time when it no longer matters so much what the caring is about, how frail or foolish is the object of that concern, as long as the feeling itself can be saved. Naivete -- the infantile and ignoble joy that sends a grown man or woman to dancing and shouting with joy in the middle of the night over the haphazardous flight of a distant ball -- seems a small price to pay for such a gift.

These baseball titles and many more are available from Jackson Street Books and other fine Independent bookstores.As always, books ordered here will have a freebie publishers Advance Reading Copy included as a thank you to our blogosphere friends.

Friday, October 22, 2010

The Opinuary Column

the autumn moon has seen it all
pledges and lies and folderol
parties of tea at its beck and call
everyone down on their knees

money is king and tv is queen
nothing left for the in between
the cats get fat when the times are lean
everyone down on their knees

take a walk in the chilling air
fair is foul and foul is fair
there's something here that's not quite there
everyone down on their knees

god--booga booga, ah-cha-cha
god--booga booga, ha-ha-ha
god--booga booga, fiddle dee dee
everyone down on their knees
if you please
everyone down on their knees

the government is demonized
full of thieves who hypnotize
shrink it down until it dies
everyone down on their knees

the proper life is a corporate state
let the market decide your fate
money is speech and you don't rate
everyone down on their knees
everyone down on their knees

god--booga booga, ah-cha-cha
god--booga booga, ha-ha-ha
god--booga booga, fiddle dee dee
everyone down on their knees
if you please
everyone down on their knees

we can't go forward and we can't go back
out of choices and out of whack
men with guns all talking smack
everyone down on their knees

nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
no more bread, only humble pie
we came to conquer and divide
everyone down on their knees
everyone down on their knees

the autumn moon has seen it all
pledges and lies and folderol
parties of tea at its beck and call
everyone down on their knees

money is king and tv is queen
nothing left for the in between
the cats get fat when the times are lean
everyone down on their knees

take a walk in the chilling air
the color of fall is everywhere
nature is fallen and what do you care
everyone down on their knees

god--booga booga, ah-cha-cha
god--booga booga, ha-ha-ha
god--booga booga, fiddle dee dee
everyone down on their knees
if you please
everyone down on their knees

Thursday, October 21, 2010

That special pink morality brand

Bill Fulton
Dropzone Security

CC: Norm Olson
Alaska Citizens Militia

Dear Mr. Fulton,

I'm very impressed by the operation against journalists you conducted for Tea Party candidate Joe Miller. Indeed, I'm so impressed, I'm offering you exclusive Alaskan distribution rights for my line of militia morale companions.

I believe this could prove very lucrative for the both of us. Your ties to the Alaska Citizens Militia are invaluable. From what I've seen of them, there isn't a group of patriots anywhere who are more in need of a few hours alone with a young, attractive, morale sheep. It'd sure take the edge off 'em.

All of our morale sheep are personally trained by the men of of my unit, The American Christian Militia. Before shipping, each ewe is given a special pink morality brand, certifying that it was trained in a condom-free environment.

Recently, we've expanded our line to include morale llamas. We think they'll be popular with older militia leaders, like Norm Olsen, who may have problems squatting down to line-up on their target.

We do not offer male sheep or ewes. We're patriots, not sick fucks.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

God Doesn't Want To Break Off Your Thingy

William Tapley
Third Eagle of the Apocalypse
Co-Prophet of the End Times
Retired Furniture Engineer

Dear Co-Prophet Tapley,

As much as i enjoyed your video about condom users being barred from the Rapture, I'm a bit disappointed about your failure to go into God's physical/mechanical reasons for the ban.

It wouldn't take long to explain about how God's rapture rays can't penetrate condoms or to describe the terrible consequences condom wearers would suffer if rapture was attempted. Heck, I did it in in a minute and a half.

I'm enclosing my video about condoms and the Rapture. Please consider accepting it as a video response to your own. I think they will complement each other.

Heterosexually Yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

I'm not a witch. I'm you, except with bigger %$#*

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Cholos of Chilliwack

Sharon Angle's been catching a lot of crap about her "Invading Brown Horde" ad. Tolerance-o-fascists say it portrays Mexicans as stereotypical gangbangers. She says that's not the case--they're Canadians. Unfortunately, we can't see the whole video anymore--apparently she "borrowed" some of the images from Getty--but I do have a screencap, and, uh, it's not photoshopped.

I report. You decide.

Update: The Marijuanistas of Newfoundlandistan.

The Northern Threat and Our Constitution

Anglicanofascist terrorist immigrants from Saskatchistan gave me the flu or a bad cold or something, so rather than a long post, I'm giving you an opportunity to tell me what's your favorite part of the Constitution (Teabagger-American Version).

What is your favorite Teaparty part of the Constitution

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Department of Book Reports: Exley

I've been in a Brock Clarke reading binge lately, and I really recommend this author for his sly, lit-obsessive novels. If you like your dark comedy with lovable characters, this is your writer. An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England was chockablock with famous writers and odd factoids as we follow Sam Pulisfer in his quest to find out who is trying to burn down the writers' homes. Sure, he once burned down Emily Dickenson's house, but that was a teen-aged accident and he's sorry. Really, really sorry. Some one else begins burning writer's homes after he has re-built his life, is it the son of the couple burned alive while "in the saddle", or the Bond Traders he met in prison? He knows he isn't setting these fires, but he must figure out who is and convince the fire detective of his innocence. His search takes him through Book Clubs, Harry Potter appreciation classes for parents, and Oprah lit-land . Clarke has a way of looking at ordinary situations and putting in a dry, quirky slant that will have you snickering at each wry twist.

In his latest, Exley, he uses his love for the late novelist Frederick Exley to build his novel. Miller Le Ray overhead his father tell his mother "Maybe I should go to Iraq, too" eight months ago, and knows in his heart that is why he's only written one letter home in all that time. His mother is equally convinced that the Army would never have accepted her husband, and has taken Miller to a therapist, Dr Pahnee (who pompously corrects everyone, assuring them he is a mental health professional). Miller and the Dr. are our unreliable narrators here. Miller's dad has just arrived at the VA hospital and Miller is convinced he must find his fathers favorite author to help bring him out of the coma he's been in for two weeks.
Miller's dad has only read one book in the past 15 years. A Fan's Notes, a fictional memoir, Exley's cult novel from 1968. He's read it over and over, and has eight copies stashed in the window seat beside his desk. You don't have to have read a Fan's Notes to enjoy this book, but I'm sure you'll want to after you finish.

Millers quest takes him through the Watertown, NY he currently lives in, and through the Watertown in a Fans Notes. His obsession begins to consume his every thought, and he begins speaking as Exley did, referring to people by initials, and using ___s in his speech. Conveniently ignoring the fact that Exley died in 1992, he searches the dives and haunts from the book. Dr. Pahnee has fallen hopelessly in love with M.'s mother which clouds his judgement. Which reality is true here? Clarke keeps things spinning around until the end, and brings about a very tender place to leave his characters.

These books are available at Jackson Street Books and other fine Independent bookstores.As always, books ordered here will have a freebie publishers Advance Reading Copy included as a thank you to our blogosphere friends.

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "Christine O'Donnell is not a witch" has died after a brief but virulent spell. The Opinion, born of secular disbelief, was only a couple of weeks old when it was stricken with beguilement's dementia, a rare and fatal form of utter stupidity. In point of fact, O'Donnell is without a doubt one of the greatest witches ever to run for political office*, as evidenced by her wizardry in shrinking Sean Hannity down to the size of a wallet and smashing his face beneath her ass. Non-witches can't do that--they don't even try. (*Note: Ohio Representative Jean Schmidt is a banshee, not an actual witch).

The Opinion is survived by a host of ghoulish conspiracy theories, macabre insinuations, ad hominem poltergeists, sycophantic sorcery, corporate conjuring and one gaseous load of bilious voodoo...that you well!

In lieu of flowers slap my ass and call me Sean Hannity!


Thursday, October 14, 2010

I am not a Northern Lady Part!

I received this email from someone claiming to be a fellow Confederate-American. I respond, below.

Dear Mr. Newport,

How dare you pretend to be a Confederate man, you ignorant pool of hog santorum. If you knew anything about our dear Confederacy, you'd have guessed the truth about my Burn the Confederate Flag Day operation. It was a covert op I ran for the Confederate Intelligence Bureau (CIB), an organization created in 2004 by the Constitutional Court of the Confederate States of America (Occupied). I was simply collecting intel for use on the The Great and Glorious Day of The Righteous Rogering.

Did you really think you could fool me? Your email bears all the marks of something written by a San Francisco hippy. I mean, my God, you wrote me a poem, and not just any kind of poem, but one of those filthy beatnik poems that don't rhyme and include whole stanzas that simply repeat the word "motherfucker" over and over gain. I had to rent bongos just to read the God damned thing.

Well, I'm telling you, poetry boy. You can stop dragging yourself through the negro streets at dawn, looking for an angry hick, because, by God, you found him, and he's hankering to kick your tye-dyed, clove-cigarette-smoking, birthday-party-stationary-using ass.

The truth is you don't have the right stuff to be a real Confederate, and you know it. That's why you're so angry. You know that you'll never be invited to our secret man-sword crossing parties, a sacred tradition we've been practicing since Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee first drunkenly struck their man-swords together at a party in Fredericksburg.

It's just something we don't share with secularist hippies.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen, JC Christian, patriot

Cup of Pencils Kick in a few bucks if you like what I'm doing. I could really use it.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Dolly Parton "Played a Whore"

Pastor Marc Grizzard
Amazing Grace Baptist Church
Canton, NC

Dear Pastor Grizzard,

I love your plan to burn non-KJV Bibles, Books of Mormon, and other heretical works during your Halloween celebration, but your addition of Dolly Parton records makes it perfect.

There is no doubt in my mind that Dolly is a minion of Satan. I'm sure others will agree after reading your list of her sins:
Dolly covered Led Zeppelin's occultic song "Stairway to Heaven"...she also covered the atheistic song "Imagine" by the ungodly John Lennon.

She plays a whore in the "Best Little Whore House in Texas." her public life she dresses like a whore in exposing herself from top to bottom. soon as you go into Dollywood you see Dolly exposing herself immodestly

She also owns Sandollar Productions, a film and television production company, which produced the Fox TV shows Babes and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Sabrina (1995 film). Both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Sabrina are full of witch craft and demonic teachings.

Breast-obsessed filmmaker Russ Meyer wanted to make movies about her 40DD breasts.

..Because of the size of her breast she has been invited into several songs in the 80s and 90s, one of them being "Talk Like Sex" by Kool G Rap and DJ Polo. It is obvious that Dolly Parton is wicked and goes against everything the Bible teaches.
It's those last two things that concern me most. A man gets to looking at Parton's breasts and all sorts of wicked thoughts pop into his head. You know what I mean--those secret thoughts all men have but never talk about.

We'll hear Parton singing "Jolene," and the next thing we know, we're strapping our man-breasts into a wonder bra and doing a little naked tucked-thingy dance in front of the mirror.

We've all been there. You're a man, I know you've done it too. The important thing is to ask the Lord for forgiveness afterwards, or better yet, ask him for forgiveness during the act, while you perform penance by spanking yourself with a big ol' spatula.

That's what I do. I spank my self silly for Jesus. There's nothing quite like looking into that mirror and seeing those spatula welts rise up on your "Call me, 'Jolene'" tattoo, especially if you're turned just right, so you also get a peek at your man flesh poking out of the side of your bra. It adds a little something to the punishment--puts it into its proper context and makes your thingy spring completely out of its tucked position.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Cup of Pencils Kick in a few bucks if you like what I'm doing. I could really use it.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Amazon Review: Chased by an Elephant

Update: Author's son is unhappy with my review.

It ain't easy being an author for The One True Church. Satan's minions are always gunning for you. That's certainly the case with Chased by an Elephant, an anti-homosexualist jeremiad written for Mormon children. Latter day Korihors are already attacking it in their blogs, and, as of now, I'm the only Amazon reviewer who gives it more than one star.

Please read my review. If you like it, please consider giving it your vote as "the most helpful favorable review." It'll give me a cushion should God command the Elders of Zion to write their own reviews.

4.0 out of 5 stars Where are our General Authorities?, October 11, 2010
By Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Chased by an Elephant (Paperback)
Although I applaud the author's effort to teach homosexualist children to despise themselves, I'm disappointed she didn't bring in the Church's big guns. She should have given the Prophet, Apostles, and other LDS general authorities their own characters in this book.

Imagine how much more the children would have been traumatized if Elder Boyd K Packer had been portrayed as an angry old baboon screeching at anyone who stared a little too long at his big, blood-red "rameumptum." Heck, she could have even had him eat a little homosexualist spider monkey to make sure the kids understand just how much they're hated.

The author also missed an opportunity to expose the real-life wickedness of the world's most homosexualist animals. Sure, I suppose a pair of elephants might get into a little same-sex trunk action every now and then, but I don't think such acts have been observed by scientists, missionaries, or even home teachers. She should have gone with bonobos or penguins or, better yet, juvenile bighorn rams--they've been observed forming homosexualist herds and licking each other's secret parts. They're a perfect target for a good Elder Packer tongue lashing.

But then, it may be enough that the author provides us with way to instill such virtues as shame, self-loathing, hatred, and bigotry in our children. That's why I'm giving this book four stars in spite of its shortcomings.

Cup of Pencils Kick in a few bucks if you like what I'm doing. I could really use it.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Pastor Steven L Anderson's Wife on Thingy-Chopping Hebrew Homosexualists

Zsuzsanna Anderson
Pastor's Wife

Dear Mrs. Anderson,

When I first heard about your husband's latest problems with the police, my first thought was they must be either sitzpinklers or Amish infiltrators who are angry at Pastor Anderson for threatening our secretly-Amish president. But now, after reading your latest Q&A at Are They All Yours, I'm wondering if the cops might be part of a Jewish thingy-chopping cabal that is trying to silence you and your husband.

I mean, heck, they can't be happy that you exposed their aardvark decapitation plot:
Historically, circumcising all males in America became common during World War II, when mostly Jewish doctors stayed behind from the war and advocated for it... The American trend toward circumcision was further fueled by a fascination for Judaism and Zionism, both of which are contrary to true Bible doctrine.

...Many, if not most hospitals sell the tissue for various uses, such as making cosmetics, stem cell research/cloning/animal-human-hybrids, and other perverted uses.
As I'm sure Rick Sanchez would agree, that's something the media would never report. They don't want us to know that Jewish doctors and scientistofascists are using foreskins to develop a race of kosher Christian babies.

Later in your Q&A, when asked about what you'd do if any of your children were homosexualists, you expose the link between homosexualism and being unJesused:
What would you do if you found out your child is a child molester or mass murderer? Homosexuals are on the same (or worse) level of depravity. I would be absolutely disgusted with them and not want to socialize with them any more than I would want to socialize with the other examples given.

But how likely do you think it is for your child to grow up and be a Hitler or a sex predator? Do you think raising such a monster would be avoidable if you did your job as a parent right? According to the Bible, only unbelievers can become homos, because they have rejected God and hate Him. In turn, God turns His back on them, and they become the dirty animals that they are because they are only following their wicked, perverted hearts.
Unfortunately, you don't go any further than that, but who is more unJesused than a Jew who is not Jesus? I'm surprised you didn't make that connection.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste and biblical (KJV, of course) kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A tip of the ol' helmet to reader LJP.

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Notes from a recent Rich Iott strategy meeting

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Liberals attack legless teaparty candidate

Just when you thought the libislamunistofascists couldn't sink any lower, they attack a GOP teaparty congressional candidate, Rich Iott, for having no legs.

Update: Some readers are claiming that Mr. Iott has legs but is wearing camouflage pants. I don't see it.

Department of Book Reports

It's a rainy Saturday in Hoquiam, and what better way to spend the afternoon than in a warm bookstore?
The big news on this block are the new bricks installed in front of the 7th Street Theatre and the bookstore. This fundraiser has financed the neon candlestick style sign that will be done sometime next year.

Here's a walk through the new shop for our internet friends:

Nobel prize winner, Mario Vargas Llosa.

The fiction shelves.

Non-fiction & History.

350 display for Bill McKibben, and a chance to remind you to find an event near you for international 10-10-10 Day.

Of course we have Pirates!

Arts and entertainment.

Northwest and Local interest.


Our new address is 315 7th Street, so our name is changing a bit, to (Jackson Street) Books on 7th. The new phone number is 360-533-3157. Drop by and see us if you're in Hoquiam, or you can order any of the featured books at Jackson Street Books and other fine Independent bookstores.As always, books ordered here will have a freebie publishers Advance Reading Copy included as a thank you to our blogosphere friends.

Friday, October 08, 2010

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "The One True God approves of Yoga" has died of complications arising from an acute case of pretzel logic. Born of the belief that various cultures around the world have cultural traditions that can be of benefit to others, it collapsed while stretching across the gulf that divides reason from belief in conservative Christianity. It leaves no known respite from the uptight, jaw-clenching, dogma-clutching religious jackalopes that denounced it, save the ability of its adherents to ignore church leaders who will say any fool thing at the drop of an epistle. Or to rephrase: the ones who keep Jesus on the cross are the ones who keep replacing the nails.

After an idyllic childhood of stretching and meditation in the mountains and plains of Northern India, the Opinion traveled the world and was integrated as a member of the family into a wide variety of cultures, sharing its message of a calm and measured approach to our bodies and minds, to our mystery and our place in the universe. Depicted as an arch-villain by men who insist that "The embrace of yoga is a symptom of our postmodern spiritual confusion, and, to our shame, this confusion reaches into the church." it is of little wonder that Satan himself does not assume the pose of a yogi, and relax his breathing, to find an inner stillness where the self is irrelevant in the sea of all-consciousness. A blissed-out devil is no way to keep a tension-reliant belief system at the top of its game, no how! No good Christian prays for Satan to be released from his role as Bad Guy in Chief--gotta have a bad guy or there is no Christianity! And we certainly can't have enlightened people running around--it makes the rest of us look bad.

In lieu of flowers the family of the Opinion ask that you let go of attachment, seeking not the garden without but finding instead the garden within, where the monsters at the gates of Eden are merely your own fears: pay them no heed, smile and pass through to enlightenment. Seriously, Jesus would, like, totally meditate. Bet on it.


Note: good, white Christians should denounce yoga, but do not denounce killing brown people, for this does not conflict with the core teachings of the bible. Like so many of the Tea Party members, often conservative Christians themselves, it is understood that billions of dollars may be given to war profiteers and malignant corporatists and not an eyebrow shall be raised up, or an utterance of protest be sounded, for these acts are in accord with the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, the Prince of Peace. Amen.


Thursday, October 07, 2010

Republican Jesus On The Minimum Wage

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Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Bozo and the Battle for Purity

Fred Davis
Media Coordinator
Christine O'Donnell for Senate

Dear Mr. Davis,

I understand you're trying your best to minimize the damage caused from the Bozo Affair, but we both know that the "temporary Bozo defense" is just too ludicrous to be believed. Perhaps it's time to consider defending Ms O'Donnell by telling the truth: she brags about her father's Bozo period, because it was when he began fighting for the same values she champions today.

Hey, I was a teenager in the seventies. I remember my desperate struggle to remain pure. It wasn't easy, and like many others who fought the same battle, I tried to dampen my urges by painting my little soldier to look like a clown. Being from Utah, I chose to make my Private Johnson a rodeo clown. I called it Bandy, Bandy the Rodeo clown. Apparently, Mr. O'Donnell went another way with his little Bozo. It's less manly, but I'm OK with that. He's a city feller.

Of course, the tactic was doomed from the start--simply sliding the big red wig over the helmet prompted wickedly sinful feelings that quickly morphed into depraved fantasies featuring clown car orgies and balloon animal debauchery.

Eventually, those of us who practiced the Bozo Method found ourselves following the circus and rodeo circuits, searching for others who bore the tell-tale clown makeup marks on their hands. And then...and then, it became something much worse: the big floppy shoe that dares not speak its name.

Yes, the Bozo method was a failure, but damn it, we tried. And that should be Christine's message. She fights masturbation as a tribute to her colorfully-handed father and the rest of us who struggled to remain pure and lost.

That's the real story here. And it's a compelling story. It's the story you need to tell.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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Quotations from Elder Boyd K Packer

Over the weekend, the Mormons held their semi-annual conference. All of the leaders of the Church, or as we call them, "General Authorities," speak at these events. It's how they spread word of the latest revelations the Lord has given them.

I always enjoy Elder Packer's "talks*," not only because he's almost a homie--he got his start as a seminary** teacher at my my high school's nearest rival, Box Elder High in Brigham City, UT--but also because he's God's point man on social issues. He sits down with the Lord, and his son, Jesus Christ, regularly, and they shoot the breeze about things like ladies rights, bad touching, and the importance of lying. Then, at the next Church conference, Elder Packer tells us what God had to say.

Apparently, God went on a rant about homosexualism the last time they got together, because that was the subject of Elder Packer's conference talk last weekend. You can watch or read it at Pam's place, but essentially he said: homosexualism is a choice; it can be cured; and it's a wickedness that shouldn't be legal.

Inasmuch as the blogs are all abuzz with Elder Packer's talk, I thought it might be interesting to go back and provide a few quotes of things he said in other talks. It'll help you get a full measure of one of the Church's most powerful Apostles--he's next in line to become the Prophet if he outlives the current one.

Elder Packer on Miscegenation:
We've always counseled in the Church for our Mexican members to marry Mexicans, our Japanese members to marry Japanese, our Caucasians to marry Caucasians, our Polynesian members to marry Polynesians. The counsel has been wise.
--At BYU
Elder Packer on Women:
I am for protecting the rights of a woman to be a woman, a feminine, female woman; a wife and a mother.
--Thoughts on the Equal Rights Amendment
The woman pleading for help needs to see the eternal nature of things and to know that her trials -- however hard to bear -- in the eternal scheme of things may be compared to a very, very bad experience in the second semester of the first grade. She will find no enduring peace in the feminist movement. There she will have no hope. If she knows the plan of redemption, she can be filled with hope.
--Speech to All-Church Coordinating Council
Elder Packer on The Study of History:
I have a hard time with historians, because historians idolize the truth. The truth is not uplifting. The truth destroys. And historians should tell only that part of the truth that is uplifting, and if it's religious history, that's faith-promoting. Historians don't like doing that, and that's why I have a hard time with historians.
--to historian D. Michael Quinn (who was later excommunicated for writing heretical history)
Some things that are true are not very useful.
One who chooses to follow the tenets of his profession, regardless of how they may injure the Church or destroy the faith of those not ready for "advanced history," is himself in spiritual jeopardy. If that one is a member of the Church, he has broken his covenants and will be accountable. After all of the tomorrows of mortality have been finished, he will not stand where be might have stood.
In the Church we are not neutral. We are one-sided. There is a war going on and we are engaged in it. It is the war between good and evil, and we are belligerents defending the good. We are therefore obliged to give preference to and protect all that is represented in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and we have made covenants to do it.
I have on occasion been disappointed when I have read statements that tend to belittle or degrade the Church or past leaders of the Church in writings of those who are supposed to be worthy members of the Church. When I have commented on my disappointment to see that in print, the answer has been. "It was printed before, and it's available, and therefore I saw no reason not to publish it again."
You do not do well to see that it is disseminated. It may be read by those not mature enough for "advanced history," and a testimony in seedling stage may be crushed.
--at the 5th Annual Church Educational System Religious Educators' Symposium
* Mormon sermons are called "talks."
** All Mormon teens are expected to attend seminary classes. They are held during school hours in Utah and before school everywhere else.

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Monday, October 04, 2010

An Armed Fetus is a Safe Fetus

Nadine Dorries, MP
House of Commons
London, England

Dear Mrs. Dorries,

It always warms my heart when I see a conservative member of the government use the massive power of the state to harass a common citizen. Your persecution of such critics as Tim Ireland and Ms Humphrey Cushion is an example of the kind of strong leadership we seldom see in western democracies anymore--well, we don't see it places like Canada, anyway.

I'm particularly impressed with your apparent effort to have Ms Cushion investigated for crimes relating to twittering. Questioning the validity of her medical leave was a brilliant, almost Nixonian, kind of move.

I understand the British press is comparing you to such great American statesmen as Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and Christine O'Donnell. I think it's a valid comparison. You're certainly their match, intellectually, and you share Mrs. Palin's Pinochetesque thirst for revenge, O'Donnell's financial acumen, and Bachmann's gift for asserting faith-based facts no matter how ludicrous they may sound.

Indeed, you reminded me of Bachmann when you you told the story of a fetus that had thrust its arm out of its womb and "grabbed hold of the surgeon’s finger." It's a great story, one that proved that even foeti like a good "pull-my-finger" fart joke.

But of course, doctors hate fetuses and are too damned hoity-toity to appreciate the every-man kind of cultural richness a fart joke expresses. I suspect that's why the surgeon, Dr Joseph Bruner, disputed your story:
Depending on your political point of view, this is either [a fetus] reaching out of the uterus and touching the finger of a fellow human, or it’s me pulling his hand out of the uterus … which is what I did.

Regardless of what Dr. Bruner may claim, I like the idea of a fetus reaching out of its womb, so I'm choosing to believe your story. More importantly, I'm also attaching a sonogram showing a fetus doing something similar: threatening an OB/GYN with a tiny pistol. Please feel free to use it the next time you feel a Bachmann moment coming on.

I'm rather proud of this sonogram, I developed the pistol the little fetus-American is holding. It was part of my effort to ensure that all Americans have an opportunity to exercise their Second Amendment rights. Sure, fetuses have lousy judgement and virtually no hand-eye coordination skills, but arming them is no more irresponsible than allowing people to carry guns in pubs. The important thing is that OB/GYNs fear the fetus, that doctors are always on edge, scared that at any moment, a fetus might thrust his pistol out through his mother's woo woo and start firing.

Perhaps we could work together to bring the same kind of fetal firepower to Britain.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblical, and thoroughly tory kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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Sunday, October 03, 2010

A little Sunday patriotic music

I may be an 11 on the manly scale of absolute gender, but I'll admit it, this song always brings tears to my eyes. How can one not be touched by lyrics like this:
We must stop communism in that land
Or freedom will start slipping through our hands
I hope and pray someday the world will learn
That fires we don't put out will bigger burn
We must save freedom now at any cost
Or someday our own freedom will be lost

Recorded by: Johnny Wright
Writer: Tom T. Hall

Kiss me goodbye and write me while I'm gone
Goodbye my sweetheart, Hello Vietnam.

America has heard the bugle call
And you know it involves us one and all
I don't suppose that war will ever end
There's fighting that will break us up again
Goodbye my darling, Hello Vietnam
A hill to take a battle to be won

Kiss me goodbye and write me while I'm gone
Goodbye my sweetheart, Hello Vietnam.

A ship is waiting for us at the dock
America has trouble to be stopped
We must stop communism in that land
Or freedom will start slipping through our hands
Goodbye my darling...

I hope and pray someday the world will learn
That fires we don't put out will bigger burn
We must save freedom now at any cost
Or someday our own freedom will be lost

Kiss me goodbye and write me while I'm gone
Goodbye my sweetheart, Hello Vietnam.

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Friday, October 01, 2010

The Opinuary Column

Bless the Little Children
Keep them Round and Clean
Show them what's Acceptable
And Say just What you Mean!
The time is right to Ladle Them
With stories from the Right
Jack may Chop a Beanstalk
But it's Taxes that we Fight!

If the March Hare comes Along
Fretting about Time
Disabuse the Rodent Thus:
Why, Democracy's a Crime!
The few are being Punished
For the Billions that they've Made!
They are the Backbone of the State
They're how Dross and Dreck get Paid!
Why on Earth should They Give More
Little Children, do be Brave
You must Know, Within your Bones
The Rich Must Now Be Saved!

Come to the Tea Party! dear, dear Ones
Come eat Cookies and Drink Punch
If you will do a Kindness There
We may just give you Lunch!
Oh, tell your Friends, bring them All!
A Nation will be Proud
You are the Army of the Rich
It's Time you Sang out Loud:

"Banish all the Socialists!
The Lazy Health Care Fiends!
Vote against your Interests
Give us your Magic Beans!
Keep God and Country Uppermost
And hang on to your Purity!
It may just come in Handy
When you've lost Social Security!
Remember that the War is Good
Whichever War is Going
Debt that comes from Killing Others
Is like the Wind that's Blowing"

The Mad Hatter and the Dormouse
And the March Hare all Agreed
They had drunk from all the Cups
It was Time to take a Pee
But just when they were Ready
With Pantaloons Unclasped
They found their Reach Exceeded
The Thing they call Their Grasp
And Bladders cannot hold Forever
No Matter what your Stance
Tea Parties start with Laughter
By the End You've Pissed Your Pants