Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "gen.jc.christian@gmail.com.")
Thanks!
Showing posts with label Hometown Newspaper. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hometown Newspaper. Show all posts

Friday, March 16, 2012

Republican Jesus on the Extra Work Required to Create the Penis



And Now for Something Completely Different

I miss the old traditions we practiced where I grew up--like how we dealt with the Brethren when they grew too old to put on their mountain man outfits and shoot things. I guess Elder Orson has reached that stage. At least that's how Winnie reports it in my hometown paper:
Orson Poulsen gives a great, big thank you to Eli Anderson and Roland Bringhurst for their help in finishing the old time hearse he was restoring. After the men finished they took Orson out to a farewell breakfast.
Elsewhere
Game On: Catholic Bishops Launch ‘Full-Court Press’ Over Religious Liberty

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Turning Boys Into Men

Winnie reports on local man-building activities in my hometown paper:
Orson participated in a Klondike Derby with seven scouts on Friday and Saturday. They camped overnight at Camp Fife. The young men and their leaders participated in several different learning activities and contests. One very different twist on the snowball throwing contest was that the snowballs had to be replaced with rocks since there was no snow for the snowballs.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Random God-Damned Random Poultry Sons of Bitches

This week, my hometown paper is filled with tales of violence and death. It all began when Orson Poulson put on his mountain man outfit:
Orson has also been going to an elementary school in Kaysville to do demonstrations for a fourth grade class in the Mountain Man way of life...He shows the students his guns and black powder and some pelts and, of course, his Mountain Man clothing.
I blame the pelts. Animal hides tend to fire up a man's blood. The sight, the feel, the smell combine to fuel a an evil bloodlust, a need for violence that can only be satisfied by the obliteration of some random god-damned random poultry sons of bitches:
Orson had flocks of geese flying over his back yard and house so he shot two.
The madness quickly infected others. Jim and Starr Mitchell were the first to succumb. You see:
Starr has seen some golden eagles. The couple had some chickens ready to kill, so they took care of that...
Yes, eagles, the sorcerers of the thermal updraft, exploiting the power of the pelt to compel good people to do their feathered bidding against their natural enemies.

Of course, all that spilled blood lead to other kinds of licentious behavior:
Cleo Petit [and] Gary made it to J&D’s Restaurant for breakfast with their friends. Cleo also had her hair done while in town.
Yes, that's right. She ate a purchased breakfast and then had someone do up her hair, just like a common trollop.

And Kaye Draper, well:
She went to the Liberty Senior Center on Wednesday to play bingo.
Although Brother Brigham never mentioned bingo specifically in one of his dominoes and dancing sermons, you know he's surely turning over in his grave.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Straight Out of the Heartland

It sounds like everyone had a great Christmas in Deseret, although I'm hearing Winnie at my hometown newspaper may have fudged it a bit. From what I understand, the Jim and Starr Mitchell family accidentally put 2015 candles on the cake. There may have also been some cat involvement.

Here's how Winnie reports it:
Starr cooked a turkey and served pies. Everyone brought something for the meal. Steven and Ashley Mitchell brought the birthday cake for Jesus this year. There were also two dogs present.

Sure, the Poulsens may have the funkiest smelling pile of gifts under their tree, but, oh my heck, nothing honors the birth of our Saviour more than a nice chunk of brisket:
Orson and Jeannette Poulsen spent Christmas Eve in Salt Lake City with all but two of her children and all of Jeannette’s grandchildren. “We had a fun time,” Orson says. The couple gave gifts of packaged meat to all the adults and toys for the tots.

I gather Boyd Udy has taken up the tradition of not feeding people cursed with the names of the unheartlandishly hued:
Boyd Udy had all his children but Tyrell to Christmas dinner. “We just stayed around home and had a real nice Christmas,” he says.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Kaye's still living the wild life

I's been awhile since I've shared stories from my hometown paper. I let my subscription lapse after they threatened to sue me. But yesterday, I found our favorite column, Promontory Promptings, on the free site. So let's catch up with latest about Kaye, Orson, Winnie, and the rest.

There's big plumbing news at the Double Bar S Ranch:
Randy came again to the ranch with a beautiful, new, water-saving, quiet toilet on Wednesday. He put it in and then stayed for a bite to eat.
Winnie's still practicing the arts:
The Thatcher-Penrose Second Ward choir is practicing for their presentation at Saturday night Tremonton West Stake Conference. Winnie is really enjoying singing alto with the other choir members.
A little respiratory infection can't keep Kaye's wild social life down:
Kaye Draper’s flu is back again, but it hasn’t kept her down. On Wednesday nine friends sent to The Bakery for supper. They were treating their assistant manager before she moved away. On Thursday the Lowell Apartment Building residents gave a cake and ice cream party for her. It was well attended. On Friday – Sunday, Kaye played bingo and cards at several different places.
But kaye's social life has nothing on Winnie's:
On Tuesday afternoon Winnie ran into Annette Olson, Betty McMurtrey and Charly Young’s daughter in Brigham. Her name is Charlie, too.
And Orson's enjoying the bounty of his harvest:
Orson reports the final tally from his garden is: corn, three ears; no beans due to too late a spring; quite a few zucchinis and a good amount of tomatoes with more to come until fall freezing. “I am not disappointed considering the lateness of the planting,” he says. He also reports nearly 60 pounds of squash.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Hometown Paper

It's been awhile since I've shared my hometown newspaper, the Tremonton Leader, with you, but there's some bad news I need to tell you about. Kay Draper "reports the caller is back at the Liberty Senior Center bingo games, so she doesn’t get to call the games for a while." It's a sad day indeed.

In other news from the print version:

Jim and Starr Mitchell treated Cleo and Gary Petit to Mother’s Day dinner at a restaurant.
[...]
Pam and Emily Wilson had a nice, lazy afternoon after church on Sunday. “I quite enjoyed the weather,” Pam says.
[...]
Winnie Richman still needs the “Farmland” variegated yarn. She will pay for three feet of the yarn or more so she can finish her crochet project.
[...]
On Saturday Greg, Heather, Colton and Caden Lott, Lyle, Reagen and Brantzen Richman, Cody Richman, and friend Lonnie and Lonnie’s daughter Tessie came to the Double S Bar Ranch for the annual calf branding. While the branding was going on, son Aaron came out and removed the barn roof from the field.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Celebrating in the City



From this week's edition of my hometown paper, we learn: Kaye's compounding her bingo addiction by gallivanting around with Republican Mahjong junkies; the Poulsons survive a geese burglary; Winnie proves global warming wrong; and everybody goes to the Brigham City to celebrate something at Maddox Ranch House.

PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Corresponden

One really wants to hear about Starr Mitchell’s trip to Chicago, Ill...Husband Jim met her at the airport with a box of chocolate to help celebrate their wedding anniversary. They had a delicious dinner at Maddox Ranch House before coming home...

Kaye Draper reports going to the Republican for lunch with three friends on Tuesday. These are some of her friends who play Mahjong with her. Kaye also played bingo several times last week. Her week ended after church with dinner and cards with June Butcher at Carolyn and Bill Bolton’s home.

Orson and Jeannette Poulsen report a nonstressful week and a wonderful three-day weekend. Sadly this summer quietude was broken when their geese broke into their garden and “got” everything but the tomatoes.

Winnie Richman conducted a “straw poll” involving the weather this summer. She asked many people of all ages and localities if they though this summer was hotter, cooler, or about the same as last year. More people think it has been cooler than last year. However, all those asked commented about how humid this summer as been.

On Wednesday evening Clynn and Winnie drove to Maddox Ranch House to join their family for dinner to celebrate Winnie’s birthday.

On Thursday Winnie’s sister and brother-in-law, Pam and Jack Apodaca, had a birthday breakfast at Denny’s in Tremonton with Clynn and Winnie. Yumm!

Friday Winnie rounded out her birthday week by going to the Logan LDS Temple with sisterin-law Gayle Richman.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Fast Times in Box Elder County

Jeannette travels over 100 miles to meet lady friends. Kaye slinks through the halls at night. Pam and Emily take on the big city. Winnie helps Clynn make his equipment work. Cody goes on a killin' spree.

From my hometown paper:

PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent

Jeannette Poulsen spent three days with some of her lady friends in Tooele last week teaching and learning from each other the ins and outs of beading. They all had a great time. Orson stayed home to do work around the farm and various chores around the house.

Kaye Draper’s apartment complex had a barb-que lunch on Saturday. The apartment association provided the buns, hotdogs and hamburgers, and the attendees provided potluck items. Kaye has also been doing fast walking in the halls of her building at night.

Pam and Emily Wilson enjoyed driving to Ogden last week to do some out-of-town shopping. They like to choose areas where there are a variety of shopping venues.

Winnie Richman attended granddaughter Marriah Richman’s piano lesson on Tuesday. On Wednesday Winnie farmed and chased down parts for Clynn’s equipment.

On Saturday, Clynn’s nephew, Cody Richman, came out and killed three small raccoons that had been wreaking havoc in the grainery of the Double S Bar.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Orson and Jeannette Find Clear Creak

Lots of doins reported in my hometown paper, The Tremonton Leader.

PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent

Orson and Jeannette Poulsen drove out to Clear Creek on a reconnaissance mission to see exactly where it was. On Saturday they went to Ogden to the wedding of one of Jeannette’s co-workers.

On Wednesday June Butcher took Kaye Draper to lunch at the Village Inn since Kaye took her to her doctor’s appointment that morning. On Saturday evening Kaye attended her ward party at the Library Park. Her food assignment was rolls.

On Wednesday, Winnie Richman finished her 9x16 canvas at oil painting class. The picture is one of Winnie’s few works that is not a copy of another picture.

On Thursday, Clynn Richman had a cancerous growth removed by Dr. Young at Rocky Mountain Dermatology. “Thank you, Dr. Young,” Clynn says.

On Saturday, Clynn baled hay for Doris Larsen. He and Winnie are very glad to report the baler functioned much better than last year.

On Sunday, after church, while Winnie had a nap, Clynn fixed lunch as a surprise for her before chores and a quiet evening together.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Hometown Paper

It's been awhile since I took a look at the ol' hometown paper, and to be honest, the most recent edition has me a little worried. Orson didn't shoot his guns this week. Kaye appears to be sliding into wickedness--she's playing cards and calling bingo. And where in the hell is Jeannette's son? I hope they haven't been Obamatized.

PROMONTORY POINTERS

Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent

Cleo and Gary Petit drove to Fillmore, Utah, for the 4th of July weekend beginning Friday morning. They stayed with Cleo’s brother and visited with many other relatives, aunts and cousins. “We had a very good visit,” Cleo says. “I wish we could have stayed longer, but it’s very nice to be home in our own bed.” Cleo and Gary watched the fireworks from the front porch of Cleo’s brother’s home. They returned Sunday afternoon.

Orson Poulsen reports an uneventful weekend. Jeannette drove to Salt Lake City to visit her son, but he wasn’t home. Orson has purchased some implements for his tractor – a scraper and a sickle mower.

Kaye Draper watched several fireworks displays from her apartment complex driveway with several of her friends. She has been calling bingo for several hours this week at her apartment game room. She is also working on her Christmas sequined calendars and has one almost ready to go. She and June Butcher ate dinner and played cards at their sisterin-law, Carolyn Colton’s home Sunday.

Friday, January 30, 2009

“T.V. makes the news really come home”

My hometown paper informs me that Kaye got fourteen contacts during square dancing:

PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent
Orson Poulsen reports having to begin tearing down his barn, which the high winds recently blew over. He says the antique buggy he was storing in there sustained some damage, but the wheels and frame are ok.
Tyrell Udy went to the cutter races Saturday with his father, Boyd. The teams again did well. Tyrell then went over to a Clinton Anderson Down Under Horsemanship Training clinic. Boyd joined him there on Sunday.
Kaye Draper went square dancing on Monday evening after her job at her church. She is celebrating 14 new contacts. “Sometimes I only get one or two contacts,” she says. Kaye has also been doing lots of bingo-ing. On Thursday she was surprised by her niece, Justine and Justine’s daughter, Daisy. They took her to lunch at the nearby Chuck-ARama. Kaye has started a new baby afghan for her service project. On Saturday while visiting Brighton Gardens, Kaye ran into a lady from Tremonton who recognized her as the former correspondent from Tremonton who wrote the Promontory Pointer.
Pam Wilson has noticed several other Bald Eagles on the Promontory road. She has also noticed more deer and pheasants than ever.
Clynn and Winnie Richman watched President Bush’s final press conference on Monday and Larry King Live on Tuesday night with President and Mrs. Bush. “T.V. makes the news really come home,” Clynn says.
On Friday Winnie went to Bundersen Elementary School in Brigham City to watch granddaughter Marriah Richman in the spelling bee. She won the fourth grade and placed fourth overall out of 25 contestants. Granny was so proud! Marriah was supported by her parents, grandmother and siblings.
Clynn and Winnie’s youngest son, Lyle and his children came to the Double S Bar to help Winnie and to eat dinner Friday night. “Thank you, Lyle,” Winnie says gratefully.
On Saturday Aaron Richman and friend Shaun came to the ranch to help Winnie clean the pig pen. The pigs ran wild but were very easy to get back in. “Thank you, Aaron and Shaun,” Winnie says.
Winnie sang with the ward choir during sacrament meeting, then hurried home for dinner and a rest before chores.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Winnie cheats at pie making...

...and Orson eats a chicken in this week's excerpt from my hometown paper.

PROMONTORY POINTERS

Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent

Orson and Jeannette Poulsen baked a chicken, and added some vegetables for Christmas dinner. “We had a nice, quiet, comfortable home-alone-Christmas,” Orson says happily.
Kaye Draper’s Christmas started Sunday in her ward choir. They were supposed to do the prelude and opening hymns. However, the bishop kept signaling to keep singing. The choir rose to the occasion with many Christmas hymns.
On Monday, Kaye was overjoyed to be visited at home by her niece, Justine Martinig and her two daughters, Lexie and Daisy. Monday evening Kaye went square dancing at the Columbus Senior Center and Library.
Winnie Richman spent Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday finishing Christmas shopping, wrapping and delivering. Thursday Clynn and Winnie’s two sons, Lyle and Aaron and Aaron’s youngest son, Skyler, came to dinner...Winnie usually had a good supply of lard for her pie crusts, but it’s all gone. There were some “store bought” crusts in the freezer so she had to use them. “Next time, I’ll do better,” she says.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

A Happy New Year from Winnie, Kaye, Orson, and the rest

From my hometown paper:

PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent

Orson and Jeannette Poulsen had a pleasant evening with two of Orson’s high school friends and their wives at their home recently. Betty and Wayne Petersen and Lani and David Braithwaite brought some of their favorite foods to share. “It was just fun having them to chat with for an evening,” Orson says.
Cleo Petit says it’s been wonderfully quiet at her and Gary’s home. When asked if she was ready for Christmas she responded, “Ready or not, here it comes!”
Kaye Draper’s cousin, Robert Gerber came from Smithfield, Utah, to pay her a surprise visit at her apartment. On Wednesday Kaye called bingo at the Liberty Center for about an hour and a half during the day. On Wednesday evening Kaye attended Kareoako where almost everyone sang Christmas songs. On Friday she attended a Christmas luncheon and musical program. She also helped serve. On Sunday Kaye and sisterin-law June Butcher went to Carolyn Bolton’s to celebrate Carolyn’s birthday with the rest of the family.
Boyd Udy helped his family at the cutter races. The teams did well. “They loaded (entered the starting gates) well and fired (raced out of the gates) well,” he says happily. Boyd also adds, “Happy New Year!”
On Saturday Clynn and Winnie relaxed in front of TV sharing their remote to watch the Jazz game and the BYU Cougars at the Las Vegas Bowl.
On Sunday the Thatcher-Penrose II Ward put on a wonderful Christmas program. Winnie sang alto in the choir then came home to help son Lyle and the Greg Lott family catch a young pig and put it in the Richman’s horse trailer for a one-way trip to the Premium Meat Company in Brigham City. Winnie thanks daughter Heather and son Lyle for additional help with chores and watering.
Happy New Year, everyone!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

No Guns, But Kaye Is a Swinging Single

The latest installment of Promontory Pointers has me a bit concerned. There's not a single reference to guns or killing. Is all that weaning they've been up to softened the the good men and women of Promontory?

And whats with all the sexual innuendo about Kaye every week? Is Winnie trying to undermine Miss Draper's position as Relief Society secretary?

From my hometown paper:

PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent

Jim and Starr Mitchell are getting ready for their first Christmas in Promontory. Along with Christmas baking, shopping and chopping wood, they are getting warm again in front of their fire after riding their bikes down the road for great exercise.
Boyd Udy is feeding hay to his horses in the field now. He has been feeding the calves in his corral since he weaned them and he is getting his team ready for feeding the cows in the field soon.
On Monday Kaye Draper joined with the Swinging Singles Square Dance Club for an evening of fast-paced dancing. On Tuesday she attended a Christmas party for the member location department in the Relief Society Building in Salt Lake City. A delicious meal of ham, chicken, shrimp, salad and several kinds of desserts, was served. On Wednesday and Friday, Kaye called bingo during the day, and on Friday evening her apartment complex gave a very special bingo party. Although no food was served the prizes were “extra special” for the winners. On Saturday, Kaye attended her ward Christmas party where all kinds of food and desserts were served and entertainment was great.
On Tuesday, Winnie Richman attended the Temple in Logan and granddaughter Mariah Richman’s piano lesson before her recital on Saturday. Wednesday’s art lesson in Robert’s Arts and Crafts in Clinton got Winnie started on a new painting. There will be no more art until the first of January. On Friday Clynn and Winnie met son Lyle at Maddox Ranch house for his birthday celebration and to enjoy Maddox’s new book – fantastic.
On Saturday, Winnie drove to Brigham to revel in Mariah’s piano recital. Many Christmas selections were played and received enthusiastic audience applause.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Kaye's Big Night

From my hometown paper:

PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent

Jim and Starr Mitchell set up their Christmas tree last week and Jim put the lights on his house. Jim was also privileged to obtain a special elk tag. He bagged it. He and Starr prepared it for storage themselves. They saved some of the beef fat from their recently killed steers and added it to the pure ground elk burger for flavor and to hold the meat together during cooking.

Orson and Jeannette Poulsen attended the Thatcher-Penrose Ward Community Christmas breakfast Saturday. After a delicious meal they drove down to Brigham City to do some Christmas shopping.

On Wednesday, Kaye Draper was asked to “call” the bingo games at the Liberty Senior Center. “I enjoy bingo anyway, but calling the numbers and letters is really fun,” she says.

On the weekend Kaye attended an apartment complex Christmas party and received a new church calling on Sunday. She is now the ward Relief Society secretary.

Friday, December 12, 2008

What's up with Winnie

From this week's edition of my hometown paper:

PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent
Kaye Draper and friend Kathy went to see the beautiful Christmas lights on Temple Square and at the Plaza near the temple. “We seemed to have walked a mile,” Kaye says happily, “but it was definitely worth it!” On Thursday, Carolyn Bolton had all the family to Thanksgiving dinner where everyone visited and had fun. Kaye played bingo on Saturday at her apartment complex.
Orson and Jeannette Poulsen celebrated their eighth wedding anniversary at Park City from Friday til Tuesday. Orson’s sister and family joined them and all had a great few days together. Orson and Jeannette did a little Christmas shopping and did a little work on their craft projects. “It was very relaxing; we enjoyed it,” Orson says with a smile.
[...]
Winnie served Thanksgiving dinner out of the Double S Bar Grill. “We were only 9, but everyone ate enough to delight my heart, Winnie laughs. After dinner, Winnie and sons Aaron and Lyle captured a 100-pound pig and put it in the horse trailer to go to the Bear River Animal Hospital on Friday. Pie was then consumed to fill the holes in their stomachs after all that exercise. During the pig catching, April and the kids gathered up the dishes and cleaned the table for Granny.
Clynn and Winnie would like to thank Dr. Ryan Bevan for his help with the pig. It is doing great!

COLLINSTON CABOODLE
Raina Jones
Leader Correspondent
The book group met on Dec. 2, at 7 p.m., at Suzanne McBride’s house. The next readings are the Chris Steward series “The Great and the Terrible.” These are LDS-based books with stories about pre-earth existence and then life on earth.
[...]
Sunnie and Waylon Jones were fortunate enough to go to Disney on Ice with their mom. It was a wonderful show and now little Waylon is really into Donald Duck! The show was the 100 years celebration show and involved nearly all characters of Disney from old to new. Jiminy Cricket was present as were all the princesses and princes, Nemo, Mulan, you name it! They were there. It was a fun time but the cotton candy was way too overpriced!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Hometown Paper

I finally got around to subscribing to my hometown paper, The Tremonton Leader, and I thought I'd share a little bit of it with you.

But first, I better provide a glossary:

Ward - A Mormon congregation of about 200 people who live within defined geographical boundaries.
Primary - A Mormon church service for children under twelve held after school.
Relief Society - A Mormon organization for women.

CORINNE COMMENTS
Sandra Neff
Leader Correspondent
Century School sends a reminder for students to look their best Monday, Sept. 22. That is the day individual fall photos will be taken. Yearbook cover contest entries are due Friday, Sept. 26.
It has been announced that both Corinne Wards will present their annual Primary Programs on Sept. 28.
The First Ward had Relief Society sisters joined in a trunk or treasure night last week. Items no longer needed or those that no longer fit, were offered to other mothers for a trade. A tasting table was enjoyed by all.
The Second Ward has also enjoyed enrichment night. The giggles could be heard throughout the hall as each person tried desperately to remember names of people they had know for years in order to win a candy bar.
Several baptisms have been performed this month including Chock Tracy, son of Lisa and Quinn Tracy, Rachel Draper, daughter of Tanya and Dale Draper and Jeff Rush all of the Second Ward. Jeff is married to Robin, the daughter of Leone Higgins of Corinne.

PROMONTORY POINTERS
Winnie Richman
Leader Correspondent
Boyd Udy reports loosing a horse to West Nile Virus at his place. When the horse got sick a veterinarian took blood samples that confirmed the diagnosis. We sympathize with the owners of the horse.
Orson and Jeannette Poulsen went to Salt Lake City to the wedding reception of one of son Luke Houston’s dearest friends. While there they made it a point to visit with lots of their grandchildren on Saturday afternoon.
Orson has turned his Halflinger horse out to pasture for a while since the weather is good. He will continue to put up rocks on the front of his new home to “get it done before snow flies.”
Doris and Merlin Larsen were honored at Bear River’s Friday night football game with the game ball for their continuous support during the football season. “It was a nice, big football with all the names of the team players written on it,” Doris says happily.
On Thursday Kaye Draper went to Jordan Park Peace Gardens with friends. They walked and walked and saw many lovely displays.
Cleo and Gary Petit entertained (were entertained by) Jorden and Braxton Menlove from Saturday through Sunday. They enjoyed having them out in this cooler weather.
Cleo is continuing twice a week practice on line dancing getting ready for the big event next week.
We are glad to report that Emily Wilson is enrolled in a gymnastic class. Emily was also in the Peach Days Parade with the Trail Trotters and their horses as entry number 94.
The Richmans are very grateful to Rocky Mountain Power for getting the power back on. “We lost power Sunday night at 8:20 p.m. and got it back on at 2:50 p.m. Monday,” Clynn say. “We’re glad we have plenty of candles.” Winnie laughs. “But how does one put wicks into the largest one?” Thank goodness the Richmans had a slow burning old candle with a wick!
Winnie would like to thank Kathy Burns for her help on her new copy machine. It turns out that the computer is too old for the new printer. The programs are not compatible.” Sometimes I feel like that,” Winnie says.