Clean up your mess

Senator Dave Syverson
Senator Steve Rauschenberger
Illinois State Senate

Dear Sen. Syverson and Sen. Rauschenberger,

I see that the finger pointing has already begun over Alan Keyes' selection to challenge Osama for the Senate. You're blaming each other both publicly and privately in the press. My guess is that you share responsibility.

I think we can all agree on one thing. Alan Keyes is an agent provocateur hired by the Democrats to destroy the Illinois Republican Party's credibility. Either that, or he's utterly insane, because nobody is that stupid.

Think about it. He's been in the race for what, ten days, and he's already come out against the direct election of Senators, endorsed a slavery reparations scheme that would allow dead people to stop paying taxes, and blamed 9/11 on abortion.

The man is a laughingstock. He's going to lose the race. Worse yet, he's going to lose the race to Osama bin Laden, a terrorist who's on the FBI's most wanted list and can't campaign because Our Leader promised us his head three years ago.

Good God, what where you thinking when you dialed his number!

We need to convince him to pull out of the race. He's obviously not going to do it on his own, so we're going to need to create a scandal. It has to be big and that means sex--the media eats that stuff up.

No time for private investigators. You have to do it yourselves--you broke it; you fix it. I'm thinking of a three way at a Cubs game. As for staging, the photos would look best with Sen. Syverson taking him from behind and Sen. Rauschenberger going down on him, but I guess that part is really up to you.

Once he's out of the race, we convince Ted Nugent to run.

We're depending on you to turn this thing around. Don't disappoint us.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Note:
Yes, I wrote a similar note to Illinois GOP Chair Judy Baar Topinka, but these are the guys responsible for recruiting Keyes. They deseve an email too.