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Monday, March 16, 2009

Florida Legislature Allows Animal Husbandry

Neal Horsley
Anti-Abortion Activist

Dear Mr. Horsley,

I have terrible news--news that will most certainly affect you directly as an admitted mule romancer (audio). At this moment, the Florida legislature is acting to criminalize one of our most cherished heartland values, livestock love.

But that's not the worst of it. One legislator, Sen. Larcenia Bullard of Miami, discovered wording that would exempt the practice of "animal husbandry" from being prosecuted under the proposed law. Yes, you read that right. One of the Heartland's most cherished traditional values, livestock love, will soon be a violation of the law, but "husbanding" the same livestock will be allowed. Here's what Sen. Bullard had to say about it:
People are taking these animals as their husbands? What's husbandry...So that maybe was the reason the lady was so upset about that monkey?
We need your help to stop this legislative travesty. Are you available to testify about the special bond a man can have with his mule and how marrying it could starve the relationship of all its beauty and excitement?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Yeag, that's right, "lope." It's another word for "gallup."

  2. It's typical of a Democrat like Bullard to not know about heartland values.

  3. Good God Generul, You scared the ba jeebus out of me...I thought at first that a common practice here in the great red state of Georgia was being outlawed, then realized it was Florida only. Hell, they're just mostly a bunch of Yankees without an appreciation of the finer things of life, anyway. No offense to the more liberated congregation found here in general and deacon commie, in particular, who demonstrates a deep appreciation of life in general.

  4. I thought that kinda stoopid was reserved for goopers. I guess this proves Watt's "oneness of opposites".

  5. Yo Gen,
    Would it still be OK to, ya know, spread a tad of peanut butter on your little soldier?

  6. I don't get it. So that guy can marry his mule as long as they don't have marital relations? Florida must be a fascinating place...

    p.s. Thanks for posting the Outer Blogness list! :D

  7. General, Sir:

    What about animal wifery? I mean, shit, Sir, if Neil can get his freak on with a mule (regardless of whether it's male or female there will always be at least one jackass in that duet) can other folks--nobody I know, I assure you--"do the nasty" with a horny heifer, a llascivious llama or a slutty sheep?

    Brother Knowdoubt:

    I do appreciate the finer things in life and life in general; but what I really appreciate is the basest, most perverse imaginable permutations of aberrant sexual and moral behavior--it makes my legally enforced celibacy somewhat easier to bear.

  8. Anonymous7:49 PM

    Regardless of being raised in the Heartland with all those traditional values, I still think it's a terrible thing to see a Father send a young boy's beloved one off to the slaughterhouse.

  9. General, Sir:

    She was asking for it. I heard it on the Morning Farm Report.

  10. Wow, that is Chernobyl-level nuclear stupid, melting a hole down to the earth's core stupid.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.