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Monday, July 06, 2009

Sarah Palin Clarifies Reasons for Resignation

Please join me in welcoming Gov. Sarah Palin as she guests posts at Jesus General once again -- JC

Ok, there's been a lot of speculation in the liberal, secular press about why I decided to set the State of Alaska free. Some are saying it's because I'm under investigation for getting my house built for next to nothing in return for granting construction contracts. Those people are wrong, and I'm going to sue anyone who repeats it.

I'm also going to sue anyone who brings up the possibility that both Bristol and Levi were conceived during drunken, cocaine-fueled orgies Todd and I may have had with the Johnstons. Sure, no one has made that claim yet, but darn it, they might. And if they do, you betcha we'll sue the pants off of the Washington Post, Perez Hilton, and National Geographic. And darn it, the chances that Bristol and Levi are siblings or that Todd is both of little Acid Trip's grandfathers are probably pretty darned small. So don't even go there. Or we'll sue you.

Alaska and I are parting ways for one reason and one reason only: if you love something wild, you must set it free. And then you shoot it and mount it on your wall. And yes, look at what I've done to Alaska. I shot it and I'm now going to mount it on my wall of the accomplishments that prove I'm ready for the presidency.

Hold on. This is the part where I hold little Trig out as bait so I can garner a little sympathy when some Howard Stern asshat wannabe takes a cheap, unconscionable potshot at him. So let me just say, again, that I wish we were all like Trig. Did you hear that Mr Obscure Blog Commenter who will soon come to represent all that is wrong with anyone to the left of Bill Kristol? I said, "I wish we were all like little Trig!" Run with it!

OK, back to Alaska. It served its purpose, just like Wally Hickle, John Stein, and all the others served their purposes. I now have 2.5 years of the gubernatorial experience I needed for my presidential run. Thank you, Alaska, but you can't help me anymore. Now get the heck out of my life.


  1. A minor addendum, Sir General, if I may:

    If you love something wild not only do you have to set it free, then shoot it and mount it. I believe you have to set it free, then hunt it from a helicopter and watch it stumble a few times and then collapse to bleed bright red onto the pure blindingly white Alaskan snow.

    Only THEN do you skin it, stuff it, and mount it on your wall.

  2. Sarah Palin is the answer to a question I know a lot of us have asked ourselves over the years: what would it be like if The Bad Seed became governor of Alaska?


  3. I read the Vanity Fair article and except for being one crazy-assed bitch, she seems like a pretty good fit for America.

  4. I'd like to just point out that the alledged timeline of Bristol's (latter?) pregnancy are sufficiently fuzzy to question Trig's maternity.

    I talked a little bit about this back in the day:

    To quote:

    ==| But the circumstances regarding Trig Paxson Van Palin's birth have raised questions. Did the (alleged) mother _really_, upon her water breaking: give a speech, fly to Seattle for a layover, fly to Alaska, then drive for 45 minutes to have her (premature) baby be born in a relatively "podunk" medical facility? _Really_? |==

    And indeed, as far as I know: this question remains unanswered.

    Keep the faith,


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.