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Monday, October 05, 2009

Suggestions for the new conservative Bible

I twittered a few changes to add to the new conservative Bible:

"And Jesus spake, 'Become thou now fishers of adjustable rate mortgages'"

"And Jesus rebuked the money changers for not colluding."

"Noah commanded the dinosaurs to leave the ark, for they were kind of swarthy"

"No greater love hath a man than that he gets drunk & endlessly mumbles about the 'socialist' in the White House"

Change title of "Song of Solomon" to "Solomon's Toe Taps"

"And Satan appeared to Eve in the shape of an ACORN"

"Blessed are the warbloggers, for they shall eat cheetos."

"And David remained king for he had not put his little king into a woman's mouth"

"And Sampson slew the Philistines with a jawbone of a stegosaurus"

"Jesus turned the water into napalm and laid waste to the Samaritans for what the Egyptians hath done"

"Woe be unto the Nazareth Post, for we countethed 13 million people at the Sermon on the Mount."

"Go thou now and bomb the shit out of the swarthy"

"Jesus spake, 'I hope those foreign bastards don't translate my English into Greek.'

"And the Holy Spirit spake unto Mary, 'Hast thou seen mine bald eagle etchings?'"

"Suffer the little children so their detained parents will talk."

"And then Adam deliverethed a bill unto Eve for his rib."

"Collective punishment exciteth me. Had to drape a fleece over mine loins for months after the Great Flood."

"And behold, Jesus spake, 'Take thine hands off mine fishes & loaves thou mooching motherfuckers'"

"And Jesus shankethed the census taker with a shiv."

God forced to marry Mary.

Jesus turns water into Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Jesus beats leper for non-payment of healing fees.

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  1. Truly, a Way into the Light is provided by your improvements. May the Lord spank you in a provocative fashion!


  2. Conservapedia should also fix up that commie-tinged “Sermon on the Mount” to something more wealth-friendly—and perhaps retitle it “Sermon on the Millionaires:”

    “ And when thou prayest, thou shalt be as the televangelists are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward in silk suits, and limousines, and private jets, and mansions, and vacation homes.
    But thou, when thou prayest, envy in thy closet, and tithe in order that sacred opulence shall be rewarded openly.”
    (Matthew 6:5-6)

    “Blessed are the military contractors, for they shall be called the children of General Dynamics.
    Blessed are they which are persecuted for Republicans' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of Halliburton.”
    (Matthew 5:9-10)

  3. Love the site. Keep fighting general, and in the mean time, check out my site:

  4. Truly, conservatives are proving that the Bible is the unerring word of God by removing all the errs.

  5. You know it seems they talk about wine a lot in the bible (at least I think they do) and wine sure seems like a pussy drink so maybe they ought to change all mentioning of wine to beer or budweiser?

  6. Bit late on commenting on this 'un, because I was on a quick holiday over to Kiwiland, but I gotta say this is one of your best. Snot flew out my nose reading it, which is not as big a compliment as it might seem, because now that I'm back on the Big Dusty Island, I'm re-exposed to some damn thing I'm allergic to. Still, this was farking inspired, General.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.