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Sunday, April 24, 2011

So the Easter Bunny likes to get his drink on--He's still our Redeemer

My dear daughter, Chlamydia, whose commitment to the Christian lifestyle isn't all it should be, sent me the following note about Easter:
The word “Easter,” comes from the name “Ostara, or Eastre. Who was the goddess of spring and fertility. Easter was originally (and still is) a celebration of the fertility of the earth, renewed each springtime. The egg, the chick, the rabbit, the flowers are all fertility symbols (and much older than the Christian symbol of the resurrected G-d). Its celebration has often been marked by sexual exuberance. Think about it the rabbit represents orgies that take place the eggs represent the fertility or new growth for spring.

Well after looking deeper into the meaning of Easter I had to ask myself what is this silly white rabbit up to the rest of the year? You know when he is not hosting orgies delivering eggs and candy to our young children? I looked it up on the interwebs and this is what I found:
Every year around this time, a supposedly squeaky-clean little bunny skips from house to house, distributing candy to Christians and people who were forced to go to church when they were a kid. How cute, right? Well, you wouldn't think it was so 'cute' if you knew what this sex-addicted, vodka-guzzling, 41-year-old 'bunny' really was all about.
  • The Easter Bunny, who was born Cletus Hallowberry in 1964, and is paid more than six million dollars per year to be Easter Bunny by a consortium of global confectionary giants.
  • Cletus has seven different estates situated around the world. Yet he's also bragged to friends on numerous occasions that he "hasn't paid taxes since the 70's."
  • Despite his exorbitant salary for what amounts to one weekend's work per year, he has declared personal bankruptcy six times due to numerous bad investments (his entire mid-90's stock portfolio consisted of Bre-X), extravagant, Elton John-like spending habits, and his allegedly heroic alcohol and drug consumption capabilities.
  • The Easter Bunny has also been arrested on several different occasions, including assault, numerous drunk-driving infractions, and a bust for heroin possession in 1987 in Buenos Aires, Argentina. "Back in the 80's, the Easter Bunny was doing more blow than the rest of us put together," said former Hollywood brat-packer Molly Ringwald in a 1996 interview with Reader's Digest. "He couldn't even get out of bed in the morning without a toot."
  • The Easter Bunny is also a deadbeat dad who has fathered more than 1110 little bunnies with at least 112 different rabbits scattered throughout North America. In fact, he's wanted in several US states for failure to provide bunny support. Sorry, children of Washington State-guess you won't be getting any chocolate this year. Why? Because the Easter Bunny will get arrested the minute he sets paw in your state...
  • The bulk of the chocolate that the Easter Bunny distributes every Easter is the product of West African slavery, which he purchases each year through shady Quebec advertising agencies.
  • Did you know he's an outspoken rabbit supremacist? The Easter Bunny is a known member of the secretive and controversial 'Watership Down' Society, an association that believes in the inherent superiority of rabbits over all other species.
  • Despite his less-than socially or fiscally conservative personal behavior, the Easter Bunny is a prominent activist in both Canadian and American right-wing politics. Campaign records indicate that the Easter Bunny contributed more than $200,000 to the Bush-Cheney campaigns in both 2000 and 2004, even though he's not a US citizen, making it a violation of American campaign donation laws.
  • Furthermore, the Easter Bunny is wanted for numerous sexual acts in multiple countries, he has decided to go back to his roots and bring back the sexual acts of Easter. Cletus can’t understand that it is no longer legal or maybe he just doesn’t care.
  • Even with his Conservative party ties, he counts several prominent Liberals among his close friends as well. The Easter Bunny is a golfing buddy of both former Prime Ministers Jean Chretien and Brian Mulroney. "He knows how to play the game," said one prominent Ottawa insider who really does exist. Honest.
So, the question must be asked-why didn't you know all this? Well like I said previously I wanted to know the TRUE MEANING of Easter, and in doing so I found the TRUE MEANING behind the little white bunny. How come the rest of the world hasn’t heard of any of this? Maybe it's because the Easter Bunny has some powerful friends who have been able to keep his numerous indiscretions under the radar. Maybe it's because you've been too busy following the latest escapades of Dancing with the Stars. Or maybe it's because we're making this entire up. But whatever the reason, the fact remains-nobody can hide the truth, or chicks in bikinis, [from the General and his family.]



  2. There is a song on that Stinkin Pinko record that also references the Easter Bunny... as a great religious icon. hmmmm


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.