Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "gen.jc.christian@gmail.com.")
Thanks!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Traditional Conservative Values and the Catholic Church

The good conservatives and traditionalist Catholics at View from the Right are very concerned that the next Pope will be off color:. An enthusiastically pale Larry writes:
I hope the cardinals return to the tradition of selecting an Italian as pope. Otherwise this time we may be saddled with a Hispanic, an African, or—God forbid—an American.
Brandon, a man who fervently hopes Edgar Winter will become Pope Albedo I, agrees:
As is typical of the liberal media many headlines are suggesting that the next pope could be black. This is a troubling idea and I hope the cardinals electing the next pope realize it. The liberal media types are suggesting that a Latin or African pope would be good because those are the fastest growing areas for Catholics. The problem I see is the further alienation of Europeans and their descendants...

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Of Art and Beauty and Black Militant First Ladies

Anyone who's ever read Kidist Asrat's blog, Camera Lucida, has witnessed her righteous burning hatred of the anyone who is a) penisless, b)unheartlandishly hued or c) is either a or b and not a bitter Canadian woman of South Asian descent, but it is ugliness that is her most despised enemy.

As an artist, designer, and critic of all things aesthetic, that's not surprising. She demands beauty in all things and will tolerate nothing less. You can see her passion for the art of beauty in the design of her blog:


I'm telling you this, because Miss Asrat is holding a fundraiser to fund something she calls "Reclaiming Beauty." I believe it is an attempt to make the whole world reflect the beauty of her web site design.

Or maybe, she simply wants to fight the battle for beauty by spending more time exposing the the kind of filthy ugliness she most abhors. The name of that vile hideousness is Michele Obama:
Obama's [sic] cleverly uses Michelle's aggression to act like the "good guy." Yet, he is following in his politics the exact same dismantling of white society that Michelle is blatantly advocating. His expression above is a benevolent cringing at the loud vocals probably emitting from Michelle. Yet, she clearly behaves this way because he never tells her to stop. He wants her to behave like this. Their private conversations must be full of raised fists.
[...]
I can actually see her turning ugly. Is that why Obama is so nice to here - kissing her in public, and all those intimate dances during their parties? And he also needs her irrational (black power) anger, since he's not going there in the same way. He's smartly sticking to "politics." 
[...] 
And there is much there besides a pictorial one (e.g. Obama's underlying aggression, and Michelle as his female Captain).

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Verrotte Schwanzlutscherin Are Lying About Me

We have a very special guest poster today, the über-fabulous, His Holiness, The Pope. Please be kind in your comments. 
--Gen. JC Christian, patriot. 

 Thank you mein general.

I'm very disappointing by the response to my resignation announcement. My enemies, God's enemies, are suggesting that my stated reasons for leaving were insincere.

They're saying that I must be leaving because of a scandal. They loudly wonder  if I'm fleeing because I fear upcoming Vatileak revelations or that I'm being blackmailed about that thing with Monsignor Spompinare, three altar boys, and a he-donkey. It's a filthy lie. It wasn't me. It was a case of mistaken identity. Some verrotte schwanzlutscher, probably a slav, was wearing my mitre. I swear on the Holy Mother that is the truth.

Of course, mein supporters see the truth about these lies, and they know who's behind them:
Supposedly he [Me] was “dogged by scandal” and hurt dialogue with Jews, Protestants, and Muslims (if only!). His alleged petty, mean spirited actions? He quoted a 14th-century Byzantine emperor describing the founder of Islam in a negative (but accurate) manner; he affirmed that the Catholic Church possesses the fullness of Truth, and he sought to reconcile the traditionalist Society of Saint Pius X with Rome (which made leftist Jews, who already hated the Church, mad.)
Ja, Herr Danial is correct. Die Juden have always hated me. They are jealous of my Teutonic fabulousness.

I resigned for the reasons I stated. I'm sick and I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of the Swiss Guard's failure to follow my orders to occupy the Sudetenland and invade Poland. I'm tired of that bitchy queen, Cardinal Lajolo's, snarky remarks about the cut of my Falda and maniple--as if that silly arschgeige knows the difference between Prada and prosciutto. And most of all, I'm tired of all those Hollywood prostituierten upstaging me as they model their dresses on the award show red carpets. The Grammys were the last straw. I'm done.

That's why I'm resigning. I'm leaving to spend more time with my personal secretary, Monsignor Gänswein. We're going to pursue our dream of moving to Argentina and opening up a bed and breakfast for elderly, German expatriates. They'll accept me. They're meine kameraden. We'll sing the Horst Wessel Lied until we're as hoarse as Monsignor Gänswein on penance night.

 Heterosexually yours in Christ

 Benedict PP. XVI, Pont. Max., Episcopus Ecclesiae Catholicae (Ret.)

Monday, February 11, 2013

Obamunists Take Up Commie Custom of Kissing

Laura Wood, The Thinking Housewife, watched all that Interior pecking during Obama's Sally Jewell announcement and asked, "When Did Political Figures Start Kissing Each Other?" One of her readers provides an answer:
I’ve also noticed this creepily excessive hugging and kissing among politicians, but Democrats engage in it more frequently than Republicans. Its inconsistency with their speech and sexual harassment codes leads me to believe that it’s another of their self-congratulatory rituals of mutual identification, saying, “See, a dirty conservative can’t kiss and hug except as the prelude to sexual conquest; but we enlightened liberals can touch each other’s bodies in a loving, but non-sexual way.”

...It won’t be long before American politicians will be greeting each other as Khrushchev greeted Yuri Gagarin.

Tuesday, February 05, 2013

AWOL

I've been AWOL for a few days. I'm not feeling well. Hopefully I'll be back in a couple of days.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Legislator Proposes Bill To Expose All of the Conspiracies

Our favorite staff-abusing, gun-toting, Bible-defending, proudly-hetero legislator, Pam Roach introduced a bill will change the world as we know it. The bill, SB 5504, provides:
State employees shall be truthful when providing information of
any kind.
It's critical that we do all we can to help Sen. Roach pass this bill. It will give us the tool we need to finally discover the truth about bigfoot, Mel's Hole, and Dan Savage's devious plot to recruit the Seafair pirates into the homosexualist lifestyle.



Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Boy Scouts Ruining Cherished Cornholing Tradition

Family Research Council President Tony Perkins is as angry as a Teabagger-American on Cinco de Mayo about the Boy Scout's decision to rethink the whole treating homosexualists like real people thing. Here's what he had to say:
The Boy Scouts of America board would be making a serious mistake to bow to the strong-arm tactics of LGBT activists and open the organization to homosexuality.
A serious mistake, indeed. BSA's board of directors is tampering with one of scouting's most cherished institutions: the cornhole jamboree. Ask any scout and they'll tell you that the time they spent in tents cornholing were some of the greatest moments of his youth.

It was a great way for young men to experiment with the newly discovered hormones now racing through their bodies and discuss it in a way that is impossible to do with a hand or a donkey.

A scout could go from sleeping bag to sleeping bag all night long without anyone suspecting his commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle, because being hetero was a requirement to get in. Now, BSA is changing that by making the desire to cornhole a suspicious act.

I think I'll remove my star badge from my secret parts hiding place, wipe it off, and burn it right now.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Patriot Responds to Suspicion that Obama Got Hold of His White Woman

Having an unheartlandishly-hued man serving as our president scares the hell out of good, god-fearing, patriotic Americans, even those with big city names. That's why Kirill Bartashevitch recently got off his couch and bought himself an AK-47.

Unfortunately, it was too late. The Obamunists had already gotten to his daughter, distracting her with  their fancy notions while she was supposed to be doing homework. Upon seeing two B's rather than all A's one her report card, Brother Bartashevitch did the only thing any father in his position could do. He pointed his AK at her and said he was going to blow her head clean off.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Marcus Bachmann's Hellish Celibate Nightmare

Barth's Notes on Religion offers up this tidbit about the sorely missed Bachmann presidential campaign:
Michele Bachmann’s high-profile debate coach, Brett O’Donnell, developed an “unnatural” and “Rasputin-like” relationship with his candidate during her failed 2012 presidential campaign, another former aide told BuzzFeed, a charge O’Donnell denies.
Peter Waldron, an evangelical organizer who served as Iowa field coordinator for Bachmann and helped her win the Ames straw poll said O’Donnell exercised an “unusual power over Mrs. Bachmann.”…
“He prohibited her husband, Dr. Marcus Bachmann, from sleeping in the same room with wife while on the campaign trail.”
Let me repeat that last part in case you missed it: “'He prohibited her husband, Dr. Marcus Bachmann, from sleeping in the same room with wife while on the campaign trail.'”

Can you imagine how hard that was for Dr. Bachmann, one of our nation's foremost warriors for the heterosexual lifestyle? I mean we're talking months of missing intimate contact. How many games of "Turkish Prison," "The Sailor and the Cabin Boy," and "Scenes from 'Deliverance'" went unplayed? More importantly, how many light bulbs did the Bachmanns lose to Obama's bulb grabbers because they were denied an opportunity to hide them in Marcus's "secret place?"

Until now, I didn't understand the depth of Marcus's sacrifice. It only makes me love him more (in a purely heterosexual kind of way, of course).

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Ruler and the Foreskin: A Tale of Parochial School Horror

Politichick Anne Yenny points out the real problem with teachers, they read studies and use their fancy expertise in education to educate their students:
Are all teachers liberal? Most are, but it’s not their politics that scare me; it’s their wholesale belief in studies and experts (and they consider themselves to be an expert) and their wholesale rejection of common sense and reality. They are convinced that since they are trained “educators”, they should be given free rein in all education-related issues and that as parents we need to support them in every way.
How did Mrs. Anne Yenny come to this epiphany? Catholic school teachers tricked her son into going hungry for Allah:
I didn’t ask him why he didn’t need lunch until he pounced on dinner. “I fasted today for extra credit,” he answered.

Fasting? Extra credit? ...A religion class each year at our Catholic school is mandatory, and in 8th grade a class in comparative religions is taught.

As part of the class, Sam’s teacher offered extra credit to fast on the first day of Ramadan.
Worse yet,the ruler-wielding heretic wouldn't allow young master Yenny to get extra credit for engaging in other, more Judeo-Christian, acts of piety:
I demanded Sam be given extra credit for having been circumcised. She laughed. I didn’t. My chilly silence convinced her I was serious. The disagreement was escalated to the principal. I eventually won the battle (without proof of circumcision being required, much to Sam’s relief) but I have to admit I didn’t change any minds. The principal, who is a good friend (with four kids, I did my share of time in his office) did not and does not understand why I found the offering of extra credit for only an Islamic practice to be offensive.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Time to Bring Back Phallically-Driven Traditional Heartland Values

There was a time when Americans--I'm talking true Americans of a heartlandish hue and blessed with a flesh rifle and a pair of man grenades--were united by our shared values. Take a look at this photo of Miss Idaho Potato, 1935, and you can see that back then, even the potato industry chipped in to urge us to buy guns and big-ass trucks.
Source: Those oxford comma hating bastards at Lawyers, Guns, and Money.



Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Calculating Confederate-Americans Conduct Courageous Coup to Capture Capital

I couldn't provide you with any details about my trip last week because I was a secret mission, a secret mission from God. Yesterday, the work I did on that mission resulted in a great victory for Confederate-Americans.

The Red Guard of the Glorious Christian Conservative Cultural Revolution (GC3R) has experienced a tremendous drop in morale since the election of the Unheartlandishly-Hued Usurper four years ago. Due to heritage, history, and regional marrying practices, that morale crash is most acute in the our dear Confederacy, and particularly dire in its capital, Richmond, VA, on Stonewall Jackson's birthday which is overshadowed by the concurrent communistofascist Martin Luther King holiday.

As commander of the GC3R's Red Guard, I traveled to Richmond last week with with Corporal Cletis and Sheila, our militia morale sheep, and a truckload of Moonpies and pork rinds to see what I could do to lift their spirits.

It wasn't easy, nothing seemed to work. We tried dressing them up in sheets and hoods, confederate uniforms, and even gladiator outfits, but nothing broke their melancholia--not even hiring people to wear black-face and act servile.

Then Cletis (who's a god damned liar and shouldn't be believed--and dammit, I was drunk) came up with a great idea. He noted that the Virginia Senate was evenly divided between the glorious sons of the Confederacy and godless Demoncrats, and that one of those Demoncrats, civil rights veteran Sen. Henry Marsh, would be in DC on Monday to participate in Martin Luther King Day festivities. "With him gone," Cletis explained, "the Confederates will have the votes to control the Senate; they can pass a Confederate-oriented gerrymandering plan, and a resolution to honor the great Stonewall Jackson on his birthday.

And the proud Confederate-Americans of the Virginia Senate Republican Caucus did just that.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Governor Has His Way With Our Lord's Immaculate Corpse

Judie Brown
Pontifical Academy for Life
Funder, American Life League

Mrs. Brown,

I can't express how angry I am after reading your recent column in Life Site News about Cardinal Timothy Dolan's lenience with Gov. Andrew Cuomo. While I wholeheartedly agree with your assertion that Gov. Cuomo should be excommunicated for his crimes against fetus-Americans, I'm outraged by your demand that Cardinal Dolan should deny the "body of Christ" to the governor.

To be clear, it is not the demand that has upset me, it's the news that princes of the church are pimping out the body of Our Lord and Savior to powerful men. I mean, hey, my God, according to you, Catholic Cardinals are allowing men--even men of a southern European heritage, and we know what they're like--to do what they wish with Our Lord Jesus' body.

And is it the whole body or are you just talking about His sacred foreskin? I know the church possessed the latter until it disappeared in 1983. Or did it disappear? Could it be that the cardinals are giving it to powerful men to play with or, perhaps, even suck upon like some kind of redeeming lozenge?

Or does the Church secretly possess the rest of His body, the part that was separated from the foreskin by some unknown moyel around 1 AD? If so, why doesn't Church exhibit it rather than pimp it off to sick powerful men to be treated like a drunken, yet Teutonicly Apollonian, Msgr. Georg Gaenswein on a Papal vacation?

As a member of a Vatican academy, I hope you'll look into this.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblically appropriate, and non-Christ-violating way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Friday, January 18, 2013

Fox's "Nigger Inaugural"

Go easy on Fox 5's Holly Morris. It was the kind of freudian slip any conservative could make:

Sleeping

I've been on the road fighting atheistic Islamoamishism all week. I just got home and I'm exhausted. I'll be back Monday.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

My Amazon Review of Glenn Beck's "Agenda 21"

Below, is my Amazon Review for Glenn Beck's Agenda 21. I'm late putting it up, so it will take a lot of "most helpful" votes to give it the title of "Most Helpful Positive Review," but with your help (vote here), it's possible.

Fiction, Fact, and the 5.56mm Truth, January 16, 2013
By Gen. JC Christian, patriot

This review is from: Agenda 21 (Kindle Edition)
This is a work of fiction that could, very well, someday be stocked on the current events shelf in the non-fiction section of your favorite bookstore. Or, at least, that's what the "author," and top reviewers would have you believe.

But is that truly the case? Will the Agenda 21 Enforcers use Obama's UN-based laws to force our future Emmelines to pledge allegiance to spotted owls and snail darters?

Anyone who believes in the power and the importance of the Second Amendment knows such a future is impossible. Armed patriots will stop Obama's tanks, the UN's jet fighters, and the reptilian aliens' vipersturmen when they come to take our guns.

Only the deserving few, those who refuse to purchase firearms, will be eaten during the great molting fests, and among them, only Piers Morgan, George Soros, and perhaps the comedian, Carrot Top, will be mounted by the Imperial Szliardisterg before the Great and Terrible Devouring.

We patriots will be armed, safe, and happy in our gated mobile home communities. We'll be playfully punching each other's arms, drinking Night Train, eating Moon Pie Chocolate Flavor - 24 ct. box, and shooting spouses, goldarned random sumbishes, and scary-looking people, while the Obamunists suffer under the lizard's lash.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Jesus Commands Us to Pack Heat

Christian lawyer Matthew B. Toze--a man who apparently wonders "what the hell a 'met-are-for,' anyway; are it used in baseball?"--did himself a whole passle full of researchin' and found that Jesus, the Prince of Peace, commands us to bear arms:

Jesus commanded his disciples to purchase a sword and encouraged his disciples to have swords. See Luke 22:36-38:

Then He said to them, "But now, he who has a money bag, let him take it, and likewise a knapsack; and he who has no sword, let him sell his garment and buy one. For I say to you that this which is written must still be accomplished in Me: 'And He was numbered with the transgressors.' For the things concerning Me have an end." So they said, "Lord, look, here are two swords." And He said to them, "It is enough."

Monday, January 14, 2013

Are You Singing "Karma Chameleon" to Me, Punk?

Back when I was a tiny little miltia general, I spent a lot of time watching the news with Grandma Lila. She lived for the news. It gave her an opportunity shake her head and declare, "wicked, wicked world" each time Walter Kronkite finished a story.

Grandma would shake her head clean off if she saw the state of the world today. It's as wicked a place ss a place can be, and nothing illustrates that more than the current debate about shooting people. These days, a guy can't even go out and exercise his god-given right to shoot a passle of funny looking or weird acting people without the whole country getting its ass in an uproar.

It wasn't always like that. As homosexualist-fighting culture ninja Scott Livley notes, People celebrated God as a hero after he massacred every man, woman, and child in Sodom City simply because they sang homosexualist wedding songs.

Can you imagine what would happen if God did that today. He'd be arrested immediately in any jurisdiction outside of Florida or Texas.

That's where we've come to.

Note: I'm on the road this week and posting via Kindle. Please forgive the lack of graphics and any typos I fail to catch.

Patriot Says Skateboarder Tony Hawk Played Key Role in Sandy Hook Shooting Hoax

As much as I enjoyed sister pastor's wife Zsuzsana's groundbreaking post exposing the Sandy Hook shootings as a false flag operation to seize our guns, it was a link in her comments that provided the most important clues about the hoax.

At his website, WellAware1, American patriot Ed Chiarni exposes the children of baseball great, Hank Greenberg, as the brains behind the operation. According to Mr. Ed, no one died at Sandy Hook Elementary and actors hired by the Greenbergs played all the roles of the victims, family, and law enforcement we saw on our television sets.

Mr Ed's investigation is exhaustive and much too comprehensive to post here, but here's a short list of a few of the actors he indicts:

Skateboarder Tony Hawk, his wife, Lhotse, and their daughter played the roles of victim characters Emili Parker and her family.


The Office's Toby Flenderson (Paul Lieberstein) plays Newtown Police Chief character Michael Kehoe and co-star Angela Kinsey (Angela Martin) "looks exactly like Sandy Hook teacher 'Kaitlin Roig.'"

Former Klinton spokes Dee Dee Myers plays the part of Cathy Gaarden who was interviewed about one of the victims on television. Mr. Ed: "..they are attempting to trical the investigators and have them make a mistake by identifying the principal as Hillary [Clinton] when it's Dee Dee Myers."

This isn't Mr. Ed's first investigation. He's also identified actors playing roles in other tragedies:

The Oregon mall shooting featured former Obama campaign manager David Plouffe as Clackamas County Sheriff's Lt. James Rhodes.

Kevin Costner played pedophile coach character Jerry Sandusky; Ted Nugent played Sandusky's lawyer; and Spinal Tap actor Michael McKean (who is really the late actor, John Ritter) played the part of Rupert Murdoch.

And, of course, Adolph Eichmann was actually Bing Crosby.