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Tuesday, November 09, 2004

"Asexual stealth phrases" are a blight on this nation

Terri Leo
Texas State Board of Education

Dear Mrs. Leo,

The minute I read that you were trying to ban "asexual stealth phrases" from health text books, my mind became clouded with impure thoughts. It wasn't the actual asexual stealth phrases that did it--after all, phrases like "individuals who marry" are only slightly erotic. It was the term, itself, which caused the wicked fluids of iniquitous arousal to flood my withered and broken little soldier.

"Asexual stealth phrase" sounds like one of those illegal moves a man might make if he loses his concentration in a Spartan-style wrestling match. You know how it is. You're all oiled up and wrestling naked in the manner of the ancient Greek warriors and the next thing you know you're using your lever to move the world.

By the time you become conscious of what's happened, it's too late. You realize that you kind of enjoyed it, and then you need to make your peace with the Lord by going to Seattle and paying that guy in Pioneer Square fifty bucks to punish you with the Mighty Spatula of Repentance. That can get rather costly.

Anyway, I think you ought to ban the term, "Asexual stealth phrase" along with the phrases it describes. The danger it poses to our moral well-being demands it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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