Fighting immigration, one maid at a time

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Governor, State of California

Dear Gov. Schwarzenegger,

It's refreshing to see a real businessman in the governor's office. It seems that everything you do is imbued with the kind of corporate mindset that's made our country what it is today. Not even the smallest opportunities go unnoticed by your keen business eye.

Take your recent TV ads for example. Your idea of doing product placements for your biggest contributors was pure genius. I'd like to get in on some of that action. How much would I have to contribute to do so?

I think you'd like my product. I call it The Spatula. It's a child training tool like The Rod, only it's a spatula. I got the idea from a guy in Seattle who I pay to punish me when I've strayed from the path of righteousness. My spatula is modeled on his Terrible Spatula of Redemption.

I've written an ad that will be the perfect showcase for both you and my product. From what I've read about you, I also think you'll really enjoy doing it.

Here it is:

Immigration - 0:20

Fade from black.

Waist high shot of Governor holding The Spatula.

Gov: The people of California elected me because they want a Governor who is tough enough to beat the challenges our state faces.

Governor taps The Spatula into the palm of his hand two times.

Gov: Immigration is one of those challenges and I've been tough in confronting it. The girlie men in this state don't like that. That's why they attacked me when I praised the Minutemen in Arizona.

Zoom in for extreme closeup

Gov: Well, let them whimper, because I'm about to get a lot tougher.

Governor turns and walks as the camera follows. A woman in a French Maid's outfit comes into view. She is bent over a chair. The Governor twists his hips away from the camera to hide any reaction he might have to the woman.

Gov: I'm going to terminate illegal immigration one maid at a time.

Governor strikes the maid's butt with The Spatula. Camera zooms in on The Spatula's logo, freeze frame.

Chyron: Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger -- Tough on maids. Tough on Immigration.

Well, what do you think? Can we make a deal?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot