Three ex-wives, seven kids, and a letterman jacket

Herc Palmquist
Head Administrator, Principal, and Head Football Coach
Texas Christian High School

Dear Coach Palmquist,

I guess I can't blame the Texas Association of Private and Parochial Schools for suspending you from participating in their State Six Man Football Playoffs. After all, telling your players that their game had been canceled and then replacing them with bearded and tattooed adults was bad enough, but to then lose the game 28-18 is simply unforgivable.

Perhaps the next time you're tempted to do something like this, you should ask yourself, "what would Jesus do?" I think the answer would be that he'd find a better way to game the system. He might contact Nightlight Christian Adoptions and offer to enroll a few of their snowflake embryos into Texas Christian High. Then when football season came around, he'd suit the little blastocyst-Americans up.

Think about it. You'd never lose another game. There isn't a Christian or Parochial High School anywhere that would allow their football team to play against a bunch of frozen fetuses. That'd be worse than stem cell research.

TAPPS couldn't do anything about it. The little blastocyst-Americans would be legally enrolled and below the maximum age requirements. Certainly, no one would dare say they weren't really children.

I hope you'll consider it. Like I said, I bet it's what Jesus would do, and I'm sure Karl Rove would do it too.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot