Ungrateful brown people

Richard Hunter
Hong Kong Media Contact
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (The Mormons)

Dear Mr. Hunter,

I'll never understand why brown people are so ungrateful. We provide them with death squads, ayatollahs to write their constitutions, air fare to the finest interrogation centers in Syria, Egypt, and the Eastern Bloc, and at Gitmo, indefinite detention and pain slightly less than that which accompanies organ failure and they return our generosity by shooting at our troops (none of whom are College Republicans, thank God).

I see the Church is experiencing much the same thing in your part of the world. You sent the Chinese soiled bedding, used surgical scrubs, and outdated medical equipment and they bitched about it. What did they expect? Clean bedding, sterile scrubs, and modern medical equipment costs money. They're in no position to complain. If God wanted them to have these things, he'd have made them American.

So a few people get infected by the items you sent them. What's the worse that can happen? They could die? Well, that just gives us an opportunity to baptize, marry, and provide them with their endowments* by proxy. They'll thank us when they're ruling over their own universes in the Celestial Kingdom.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*Secret handshakes that will get you into heaven.