Defending Doolittle

President Gordon B. Hinckley
Prophet, Seer, and Revelator
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Dear President Hinckley,

The Church's policy of maintaining political neutrality on minor issues like torture, war, poverty, etc has served its members very well. It's allowed you to build up a great deal of political capital to use when you needed to fight more important issues like homosexual marriage and the Equal Rights Amendment, thus sparing our children from the horrors of unisex restrooms and man-on-dog nuptials.

Now, I see that the Church is flexing its political muscle once again by assigning two of its communications specialists to help John Doolittle's reelection efforts. I'm glad to see you're doing it. If we do not stand up for him, we will lose a powerful advocate for three of the most important issues we face as a nation and a culture: bringing free market principles to the legislative process; ensuring that erectile dysfunction drugs are wisely distributed; and stopping the United Nations from taking over the internets.

These are his pet issues. No other Congressman will give them the attention he provides them. So thank you for providing the Church's vast resouces to aid him with his reelection campaign.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A non-blue helmet tip to reader Denise.