Waiting for the FBI

Ann Coulter
Melanie Morgan
Newton Newton

Dear Mr. Coulter, Mrs Morgan, and Mr. Newton,

I couldn't contain my excitement when I read what each of you have planned for the New York Times. Ann's statement about blowing up their building made me choke on my Cheetos; I literally soiled my cammies when I read that Melanie wanted to lock the editors in a steel cage and kill them; and Newton's suggestion that patriots use Sulzberger for target practice woke my little soldier from his coma and prompted him to stand up and fire a series of salutes all over my keyboard.

I'm with you one hundred percent. Now it's time for us to take the next step and become domestic commandos. First, after we swear our allegiance to Our Leader, we'll need to each get a ninja outfit and a good pair of shoes. That shouldn't be hard. I'm told that the FBI has agents detailed for exactly that kind of thing. All we have to do is wait for our agent to show up. He'll bring the shoes and the outfits and then give us a few ideas about how to take out the Times. At least, that's how it worked in Miami.

All I need from you now is your ninja outfit and shoe sizes. Then it's just a matter of waiting for the FBI.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot