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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

A new security protocol for distributing top secret "need to know" classified information to press secretaries who aren't allowed to use it

Dick Cheney
Vice President for Policy, Strategy, Security, Contracting, and Shooting Motherfuckers in the Face
United States of America

Dear Vice President Cheney,

I don't know if you are aware of the security breach that occured in the Libby trial today, but it requires your immediate attention. While testifying about his role in betraying covert CIA agent Valerie Plame, former White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer revealed the security method employed when top secret "need to know" classified information is distributed to press secretaries:

There's a very strict protocol when classified info is spread... When it's oral, people always say, "this is classified you cannot use it."

Now that the protocol has been revealed, America's enemies could use it to acquire are most guarded secrets. All an enemy agent needs to do is pretend he's a press secretary and he'll have access to all the top secret "need to know" info they want. For instance, John Kerry could call up Stephen Hadley and, imitating Tony Snow, say "send me the plans for the W-61 EPW earth penetrating nuclear warhead," "fax me the names of all the covert agents assigned to nuclear proliferation," or "email me a copy of the Office of the Vice President's paperclip procurement policy" and soon our nation's most vital secrets would fall into the hands of our greatest enemy.

The protocol must be changed before our enemies take advantage of it. I suggest adding a secret handshake (like the one Mitt believes will get him into heaven). That way, you can be assured that the top secret "need to know" classified information that press secretaries are not allowed to use will actually go to the real press secretaries.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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