From Swiftboating to Pork Shot Hand Ointment

Ted Sampley
Professional Veteran

Dear Ted,

Although I was a big fan of your swiftboating operation against John Kerry, I haven't visited your website in a couple of years. It's good to see to you're giving John McCain the same treatment. I particularly enjoyed the story about how McCain can't be president because he suffered from PTSD after the war. Civilians just can't exploit the old crazy-Vietnam-vet stereotype as credibly as someone like you, a conservative professional veteran, can.

The same goes for your products. I'd probably catch hell if I sold Combat Infantry Badges on my web site. After all, they aren't trinkets. They're a badge of brotherhood and honor awarded to only those who've fought in combat against our nation's enemies--having a CIB means something. That's why it's great you're selling them. As a conservative professional veteran, you can get away with selling one to anybody. Now, guys like me, who fight our nation's wars with a keyboard, can become a part of the brotherhood too.

And as long as we're talking about your products, I have to tell you how happy I was to see that you're selling Crusader Pork Shot Hand Ointment. Do you use it too? Where do get your pork shot? The first couple of hundred times I tried to harvest it were pure hell--I'm talking broken ribs, lacerations, etc--like I said, pure hell. Then, quite by accident, I learned that if you bite down on the pigs ear, it kind of immobilizes him and you can get down to business. Now, I can harvest pork shot for hours without getting so much as a scratch.

Keep up the good work.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

ps: I just noticed the Obama graphic you're using. I'm wondering why you chose that one. Did you think just slapping the word "nigger" across his face would be a little too subtle for your readers?



A helmet tip to William.