Get Tight With Christ

Thomas Horn
Christian Persecution Expert

Dear Mr. Horn,

I've been following the good work you're doing to exposing cases of Christian persecution. Your job must be incredibly challenging. Ending discrimination against Christians is a tremendous undertaking, but the sheer immensity of the task doesn't seem to deter you in the least. You've been very successful. I'd even go so far as to say your efforts are second only to those of Our Leader and his Glorious Crusade against Islam.

Regrettably, this email is more than a simple congratulatory letter. I'm writing to alert you to a particularly heinous act of anti-Christian discrimination I recently discovered in Singapore.

For years, Topshop, a local market chain, has stocked its shelves with Christian products for the Singaporean faithful. That all ended recently when the government ordered the market to stop selling such items. Now, local Christians no longer have access to "Looking Good for Jesus" cosmetics. They are denied the opportunity to bathe in Our Savior's immaculate love and "Looking Good for Jesus Bubble Bath with Citrus Scent," and they can no longer "get tight with Christ" by applying a dab "Looking Good for Jesus Sparkle Cream (with lily scent)".

We can't let this assault on religious liberty stand. We have to fight back and your organization can help us with funding and volunteers.

I'm in contact with Miss Poppy Dixon, an American distributer of the "Looking Good for Jesus" cosmetics line. She's willing to sell us as many units as she can secure. And if that isn't enough, we can also buy all the Last Supper Lunch Boxes and Fuzzy Dayglo Velvet Jesus Banks we want from her. Then it's simply a matter of shipping it to the faithful in Singapore.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Blue Gal