Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Monday, June 02, 2008

Virtual John McCain

Thank you General for allowing me to use you electronic computing pamphlet making machine again.

I should also thank you for suggesting that I reach out to young voters by going onto the electronic Second Life play acting computing machine. I'll admit it was hard at first, but then I ran into Richard Nixon at your inner Frenchman's place, the Cafe Wellstone.

Dick was very helpful. "John," he said, "you have it all wrong. You're wearing pants. They're all fucking hippy cocksuckers here. They don't wear fucking pants. Look at me. I'm not wearing any, either. I know what these kids want. I met with Elvis for Christ's sake. Let me give you a makeover."

Here's the result (Dick wanted me to cover my third nipple with makeup, but I said, "Go fuck yourself Dick, you caked it on like a trollop every time you went on TV, you cunt, and look where it got you.")

I think I look pretty good.

Here's a closeup. Is it any wonder why those lobbyists are so hot for me?

After the makeover, I headed out to this church a nice lady named Jillan McMillan built to honor me. I think she's checking me out in this picture. Who can blame her?

I preached for a while. Then, I offered to heal people by letting them touch my third nipple--that's going to be a major feature of my health care plan--but no one took me up on it. I bet they were a bunch of science bastards.

My next stop was Second Life Republican Headquarters. I met a nice Republican woman there. I believe she was a movement conservative because she had the word "slave" tattooed above her woman things.

Before I left, I took advantage of the prayer balls they have at their monument to Ronald Reagan and gave thanks to the Gipper for all he's given us.

I ended the day with a little live music at Glass Earth. The singer, Juel Resistance, was great for a hippy, but I could have done without her mockery of my thong and all the walrus comments coming from a group of Germans. Those Old Europe fuckers are going to pay, god dammit. They're no better than the Hindus in Iran. I'll make them pay 'till they fucking glow.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.