Speaking to the Base using God's Love Language

Jay Rogers
Executive Director
The Forerunner International Ministries

Dear Mr. Rogers,

Like you, I'm very excited to have Sarah Palin on the ticket. She's a fellow Christian dominionist who believes America should become a theocracy and that God wanted us to invade Iraq. She's also a soldier in Joel's Army, a supporter (and her husband, a long-time member) of the Christian separatist Alaskan Independence Party, and most important of all, she is fluent in God's love language, having attended a number of churches where "speaking in tongues" is a part of the service.

Also, like you, I'd rather see her than John McCain sitting in the Oval Office. Your recent blog post on that topic was very interesting. I think it's probably the first time since 1860 that a Christian leader has publicly asked God to smite a Republican President (clearly, you want it to happen only if he is elected):



But, just a moment ago, as I went back to the post to get a link, I noticed that you changed number three to say:

3. Pray for John McCain's salvation and pray specific imprecatory prayers if he fails to pro-actively defend the sanctity of human life.

It was a mistake to make that change. Think about your audience. They aren't the most imaginative bunch, and they're pretty much opposed to book learnin' in any form that doesn't include the Bible--I mean for heaven's sake, they believe God flooded the earth because demonic giants were after our white women and that Noah was too lazy to build an ark large enough to save the dinosaurs. Do you really think they're capable of understanding that "specific imprecatory prayer" means "ask God to smite McCain's sorry ass?" I don't think so.

I understand why you might have had second thoughts about calling for McCain's death. It makes you appear a bit crazy to just about everyone but the Palins and their fellow dominionists. But I think there's a way to get that message out to your target audience without anyone else catching on. All you need to do is "type in fingers" using God's love language. That way, only the righteous will understand it.

Here's how I'd write it:

3. Pray for John McCain's salvation and boogaboogula nawdami gabba gabba hey! (Google The Forerunner's articles on Imprecatory Prayer if you think this is harsh).

Of course, you may prefer to substitute "Awop-bop-a-loo-mop alop-bam-boom" for "gabba gabba hey." I made my choice based on a desire for brevity, but it's just a stylistic difference, really. Both phrases basically mean the same thing, the only difference being the size of the anvil. That said, expressing God's love language by "typing in fingers" is new to me--I prefer the results I get when I hungrily apply my tongue in the feverish expression of my own personal love language--so my written translation skills may not be as developed as yours.

I hope my suggestion works out for you.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot