Sen Coleman and the Gift of Pants

Norm Coleman

US Senate


Dear Sen. Coleman,

I'm a little disappointed by your refusal to respond to questions about the free shopping sprees, utilities, low rent, and gifts of suits you've received. Your attempts to change the subject by attacking bloggers isn't getting you anywhere. It just makes you look like you're hiding something. If you didn't take the gifts, just say so. If you did, well, you're going to need some help.

I know you're a proud man. It's probably very difficult for you to ask any of your colleagues for help and advice. That's why I took the initiative and called a couple of your colleagues for you.

Here's what Sen. Stevens had to say:

God dammit, Norm. The Senate is a goldmine and you're getting suits? Christ almighty, you disgust me. It's people like you who devalue graft for the rest of us. I mean, Christ, if you're willing to trade your vote for a few suits, it's no wonder the best I could get was an addition to my house.

How embarrassing is that? We're Senators, dammit, but we get suits and remodeling while Congressmen like Duke Cunningham get yachts and mansions.

You're not worth helping, but what the hell. Just throw on a hulk tie--I hope you  got a few of those with the suits at least-- and blame Sen. Cantwell for opposing drilling in the ANWR. It's always worked for me.

OK, maybe that wasn't very helpful. Sen. Larry Craig's answer might be a little more useful.

There is nothing wrong with receiving the gift of pants from another man. I've done it many times. Same goes for a gorgeous pair of heels. Now, that's a true gift. I mean where is someone going to find a pair of size 11 fuck-me pumps in Boise?

The problem arises when he starts asking for things in return. I'm not talking about help with legislation--we're Republicans, after all; we believe in free markets, even on the floor of the Senate. I'm talking about something else, entirely.

There is going to come a time when your pants benefactor is going to ask you to do more than help him with legislation. He's going to jerk hard on your leash and say something like, "Worm," (they always call you 'that,) "I want you to go into a restroom in the Minneapolis airport and whip the caucus." Don't do it.

OK, that was useful information, but it doesn't really help you answer the question. Let's see what John McCain has to say.

I've been in your position, Norm. As a member of the Keating 5, I was caught pressuring regulators into going easy on a contributor, Charles Keating, who was in trouble for his involvement in the last big banking crisis.

I accepted blame and apologized to my constituents. It was a great apology. I got all teary-eyed and everything. People ate it up.

But that was only the first step. Later, when asked about it, I denied everything and angrily blamed it on dirty Democratic politics.

You need to do the same. Take responsibility, initially. Ask for forgiveness. Then deny you did anything wrong at all and angrily blame it on Al Franken.

But be careful with the anger. Hold back a little, especially, if you have a flattened rat named Sheila in your wallet who is commanding you to kill. Yes, it is hard, but you must resist her commands until you've seized the reigns of power in a bloody coup. Then, Sarah will finally want you. Yes, she will god dammit. There will be no more disgusted looks and vomiting, then. She will be all, "let's play 'fighter pilot auguring in' again, John. Please," god dammit. God dammit! Who switched it off Matlock!

Well, that's your answer. I'm sure you'll do well by following Sen. Mccain's advice. But just to be safe, let's see what someone outside the Senate, Gov. Sarah Palin, has to say:

It's witchcraft. Your suit is bewitched. Pray with me, Norm. pray with me now.

Gabba gabba hey. Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang. Walla walla, bing bang. Shoobie dowah doo wah. Awop bop a loobop, a lop-bam boo! Handaree rangaree chingaree chong. Rama lama ding dong. Pompitous of love.

Amen