The Doll that Screamed Jihad

I'm very proud to announce that I've been approved to post on "Label That Doll," the official blog of MAMA (Mom's Ask Mattel for Accountability), an organization dedicated to the task of cleansing our nation of dolls that make pro-Islamic statements. This is really quite an honor. It gives me an opportunity to work with one of the angriest wingnozzle supremacists in the nation, MAMA founder Christine Brim. As a key leader of organizations like the Center for Security Policy, the Center for Vigilant Freedom, the Coalition to Stop Shariah, and MAMA, Ms Brim has brought wingnozzlery to levels of unhinged hatred never before achieved (not even by Pamela Atlas Shrugs).

Below, is my first substantive post at Label that Doll. I hope it makes you angry enough to go out in the street and loudly accuse random people of being "tools of the caliphate."

I consider myself to be the ultimate skeptic--if Shawn Hannity isn't talking about it, it's probably not true. That's what I thought when I first started hearing about these Mattel dolls praising Islam. But as I heard more of these tales, like the one out of Beaufort, SC, last week, I started to wonder of there might be something to it. 

So yesterday, when I went down to Wal-Mart to demand that they hire Alberto Gonzales as a greeter, I stopped by the toy section and bought one of those dolls. I just had to see for myself if it was true.

Mind you, I was very careful. I took all the precautions I usually take whenever I'm doin' a little experimentin'. I stripped down to nothing, rubbed honey all over my body, poured a few boxes of cornflakes onto the floor and rolled in it, and then let the squirrels out of their cage.

Finally ready, I removed the doll from her box and began my examination. I'll admit it. It was rather hard to understand what she was saying, but the first try yielded something that sounded like "Pompitous of love."

"What the H-E-double-toothpicks, " I thought. "What's a pompitous--that makes no sense at all."

So I tried again, and heard what sounded like, "Bill O'Reilly has a rotting falafel." There, that sounded kind of Muslim, but it also had a ring of truth to it--I mean, heck, I bet it drips--and I was looking to hear Islamic lies.

I was getting a bit worried now. I hate exposing myself to such potential evil, and the squirrels were alerting me that my time was nearly up--they chattered excitedly like they do when they discover a cache of nuts.

I gave it one more shot. This time, the doll uttered one of the most anti-Semitic phrases I think I've ever heard: "collective punishment is a war crime."

Bingo!