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Monday, May 04, 2009

I was a sniper for the Idaho Militia

CPT James Ambrose
Idaho Citizens' Constitutional Militia

Dear CPT Ambrose,

Please accept my application for the sniper position you are advertising on your website. I don't think you'll find a better candidate for the job anywhere.

You see, I live for sniping. There is nothing I love more than taking my .50 cal Model 82A1 Barrett semi-auto slaughtermaster--I call him Chuck, after Chuck Norris--out for some prairie dog mayhem. I hate prairie dogs. They live communally, you know--like communists, God damned communist rodents. They say they live in towns, but they're more like hamlets, God damned Vietcong hamlets. That's what they are.

Anyway, I was telling you about my love for sniping. God, I love Chuck. Ain't nothing better than that moment when I pull his butt hard against my shoulder, rub my finger on his trigger, slowly coaxing it back until that triumphant moment of release when the 660 grains of wadcutter ecstasy explodes out of his chamber, shoots down that 29 inches of hot hard steel and erupts out of his muzzle in a glorious eruption of masculine power. Ohhhh, God it is good. There is nothing like it. It always leaves me spent and exhausted, but with a kind of indescribable floating feeling. You know what I mean; the kind of feeling where your whole body feels as if it's been infused with liquid joy and all you want is a cigarette and a little Barry White music in your headphones.

Chuck is always with me. I take him everywhere. A lot of the men in my own militia don't understand that. It's why I, a militia general, am willing to serve as a sniper under a mere captain. I prayed about it and the Lord told me you'd be more understanding. 

There's nothing wrong with a man sleeping with his rifle and doing certain things to increase that special bond between them. I mean, why should Sgt Cletis or anyone else care as long as you use a lot of gun grease and are careful about preventing anything from getting into the muzzle. You know what I mean. It's all part of our culture.

Well, let me know when to report in. I've already picked up the uniform.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Sheesh. Coulda warned us about the fact that our EYES WOULD BE BURNED OUT by the awful color scheme on that website. Mind dropping by for a lay-on-hands session to regrow my retinas? :/

  2. Just don't put Chuck in your mouth! I mean, you don't know where he's been...

  3. Back again, after chucking out the website.

    Yes, J. Kevin, the colours are garish, but no moreso than what you see on a lot of the cars down here -- lime green, fluoro yellow, pumpkin orange... I don't know where they get the paint, because a lot of these weird shades are on factory-standard cars, but there they are.

    My main concern is that after reading the intro to the Idaho Militia, there seems an unseemly focus on how the boys should look and behave. The quality of the unforms, etc. It comes across, sad to say, as excessively metrosexual.

    I gotta wonder, which team is Capt. Ambrose REALLY playing for? I think it might be the Spartans, if you know what I mean. And anybody who likes the "300" movie as much as you do probably DOES know.

    P.S. Who died and make THAT guy commander, anyway? Please keep us informed when the military coup happens.

  4. Knock-knock.

    Who's there?Idaho.

    Idaho who?I da ho you owe 20 bucks.

    Let's play war dress-up and shoot things.It's your money, lover.


  5. Bukko,

    as near as I can tell this guy has all the usual characteristics of the militia "commander." He was obviously IN the military at some point, but I have no doubt he never rose higher than the enlisted ranks and probably served in some menial service/support branch. His actual military experience left him feeling unfulfilled, so he's playing captain.

    There are some odd phrases on the website that don't match standard military jargon. There's been an effort to clean it up, but I suspect "Captain" Ambrose knows less about actual doctrine than a commissioned officer ordinarily would.

  6. Just one word in defense of communistic Hamlet....Hamlet did say the following:

    What a piece of work is Chuck, how noble in reason, how
    infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and
    admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like
    a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals—and yet,
    to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Chuck delights not me—
    nor Chucklet neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so.

    So he told me. But, btw, Hamlet didn't tell me how many triangles there are.

  7. I'd like some of what Dan's smoking.

    That is to say, I'd like some of what he's smoking if I was a dirty goddamned hippie instead of a Christian. Thought I'd better clear that up.

  8. Of course, none of this comes into play unless someone invades Idaho, which I find unlikely. They have nothing that Montana wants and everyone in Washington is either too peacenicky or too hopped up on coffee to shoot straight.

    At least it made sense that Michigan should have a militia. Y'know Wisconsin's been itching to annex the upper peninsula for years.

  9. I wonder if Paul from Minnesota knows how to fire a rifle. Since he called Catholic Answers to ask about the moral grounds for killing government workers, I'm guessing that he does. Now if he would only move to Idaho...

  10. General, Sir:

    C'mon now, Sir; that's Jack Black. You're just fuckin' with us, Sir, right? I mean only a complete fuckin' moron would publicly state the sort of things that "CPT" Ambrose (what is "CPT" anyway, some hybridibastardization of Capt. And Cpl., in 'Capslockese'?) puts out there. He keeps that shit up his next uni will be "Hunting season safe" if ugetmydrift.

  11. Double chins don't go well with military berets dude. You must train in a Burger King. And you DO NOT get the Salmon River as a playground douchebag, that's for real people.

  12. Holy dog shit. Idaho? Only taters and masturbators come from Idaho, Captain Assbrowse. And you don't look much like a Freedom Fry to me so that kinda narrows it down.

  13. Anonymous1:11 PM

    I wonder how 'CPT 'Ambrose is going to react when I show up in my ACUs (including my "expensive" ECWCS Parka), as a COLONEL?!!--A rank I achieved by forking over $1.50 per patch (not including shipping) to a Military and Camping supply store.

  14. General, Sir:

    Is CPT. Adipose looking for a driver. I'm only asking 'cuz my license (the one for WA, anyways) got revoked and a temporary move to ID might help me kill two birds (and one dickhead) with just the single stone.

  15. Dear General,

    Do you cock Chuck?
    My favorite gun, Ollie, (in honor of Ollie North) always gets a quick, firm cocking before letting loose the load....


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.