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Monday, September 21, 2009

I've been raptured

They were right. The Rapture occurred just after Sundown last night. It was pretty cool. I was just sitting there in my underwear, eating Cheetos, and typing away on the internets tubes, exposing Obama for eating the entire cast of Touched by an Angel, and all of a sudden, I found myself sitting in a booth in some celestial Cracker Barrel sharing chicken fried steak with Ronald Reagan, Anita Bryant, Jesus, and Lee Greenwood.

I guess Lee and I were part of the very few to make the cut. Jesus said he liked my Spermatazoan-American liberation work and zapped me up so I could be the Official Blogger of the Rapture (that's why you can read this). And He said He grabbed Mr. Greenwood because He received a lot of prayers asking Him to shut the singer up. Lee seemed to be OK with that as long as he could still sell tees.

It's been pretty cool for the most part. I could have gone without Grandma telling me she saw me pat my robertson all those times--she wasn't happy about it. But in the end, even that was good, because it gave me an idea. I've spent the last few hours watching celebrities fornicate. Anita helped me out with that. She says she "loves watching the Pope get his freak on."

President Reagan is very excited about the Tribulation beginning. "Best thing since the War on Terror," he says. He's organizing Tribulation watching parties with Roberto D'Aubuisson. Should be a lot of fun.

Well, I gotta go. God's hearing Orly Taitz's lawsuit about Jesus' being born in Samaria.

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  1. so that's where everybody went!
    fantastic post sir and I love, love, love the illustration. I want a framed copy for the rectory.

  2. So if I understand you and Mzzzzz. Bryant correctly, the Pope "gets his freak ON." He doesn't get ON his freak. It only goers to figure he'd like it the girly way, with the fancy dresses and red shoes he wears.

  3. I was wondering what happened to my wife. I thought she was just spending another weekend in with her girlfriend (they're REALLY close), but when she didn't sneak in last night, I thought about maybe calling the police. But now I get it. She's been raptured.

  4. Dammit all. I hate being Left Behind.

  5. Look, I know about rapture an all, but I got some questions about this picture.

    Was it commissioned by dubya? And what are those things in the bottom right? Are those homes of eye-racki muslims, burnin' with their WMD?

    This is just soooo ... Bush-y.

  6. The painting is, I'm afraid, a bit more sinister than it appears to the average viewer. It appears that Bush&Friends© are waving to the Angels of Fire, in preparation for their being Raptured, but that is a tragic misapprehension of what is unfolding on the canvas. True, Bush&Friends© can be seen summoning the Angels of Fire, all the while chanting "Bring 'em on" and "We made you ribs" but what you don't see is what followed: the humans tazing the Poor Angels (who never knew what hit them). These rather unlucky Angels are now reduced to servicing Bush whenever he dilates his arteries enough to summon a boner. What is particularly annoying is his habit of exclaiming "Mission Accomplished!" every single time he ejaculates. A piece of work, that guy.


  7. Funny... I knew you were old, Mon General.. but not THAT old. After all, Jesus said that the end would come before his generation passed away. So, like before 100 AD... but only because God hadn't retconned the idea of "the Rapture" through John Nelson Darby and Cyrus Scofield in the 1860s.

  8. General, Sir,
    I especially like the depiction of some 'doll rapture'.
    And, being a child of the '60's, I could really get behind some of that Frosty stuff - is it like clear light or more like some good Owlsley blotter?

  9. the rev. paperboy, sir:

    Technical question; is the plural of "rectory", "rectums"?

    Can't wait till all of the KKKristians find out that:

    A.) There is no GOD.


    B.) There is and he fucking HATES their asses.

  10. General Sir,

    Reports have been coming in from the muslim world. Massive numbers of muslims have simply disappeared.

    Saudi Arabia... empty.
    Indonesia... empty.
    Iraq... empty but for a few American soldiers.
    Iran... empty.

    General Sir, I think there has been some sort of mistake.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.