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Monday, November 30, 2009

Holiday Terrorism

Pastor J. Grant Swank
Columnist Portland Press Herald

Dear Pastor Swank,

On the day after Thanksgiving, we celebrated one of the most holy American holidays, Black Friday. It's supposed to be a day when we celebrate the beginning of the season of our Savior's birth by engaging in the most sacred sacrament of capitalism, the big box store sale riot.

But this year, the spirit of this holy day was horribly violated by the intrusion of Eid, a Muslim festival that celebrates the end of the Haj with the slaughtering of livestock to provide meat to the poor. Yes, you read that right. Not only is it a Muslim holiday, it's a socialist one as well--believers are expected to feed the impoverished.

Worse yet, they slaughter the animals with their own hands while praising God. They don't have the decency to hire a butcher to do it for them like real Americans, somewhere out of sight.

Even one of our greatest temples of profit, Best Buy, succumbed to the temptation to reach out to the non-Christian by wishing the followers of Islam a "happy Eid al-Adha."

And then there's this email you published:
I thought I would let everyone know that I took a deer into Archers Meats in Fishers, Indiana on Friday after Thanksgiving. It is the same place I have taken deer for 20 years.

They told me they couldn’t take my deer today because it was a Muslim holiday and the Muslims were in the BACK SACRIFICING GOATS TO ALLAH.

I repeated back to her slowly and in a shocked tone what she had just said to me.

Then I told her: ‘Shame on you for putting your customers on the back burner and the American Hunter to the side while the people we are at WAR with practice their religion in the back of your building...'

If I wouldn’t have gone to jail I would have gone back to spit on the floor in front of the Muslims and draw my weapon.

This is America. Let’s keep it.
It's a shame this supposedly "good" Second Amendment American let such an assault on Black Friday and hunting go unpunished. One can only conclude that he wickedly harbors a secret respect for the First Amendment and its subversive clauses on religion.

He's your correspondent. He's your friend. It's up to you to punish him for failing to punish the Eid celebrants. You must find him, spit on him, and then gun him down.

It's what Jesus and Adam Smith would do.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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  1. What has become of the American Hunter? Too fearful of the law to gob on a brown person practising their rituals?
    I remember when I was a kid, when the founding fathers were around, Deer Hunters were real Deer Hunters. I remember one time, where brown people were ritualising, a particularly manly deer hunter came along. His disgust at the goat sacrifice was great. So great that, silently, he just dragged his deer carcass over to where the brownie's were sacrificing and gutted his deer over the top of them. The crowd cheered and went wild. He didn't just spit on the mohametans, he spilt his All-American Deer offal over their puny, weak throat-cut goats. THATS how we should be dealing with these hadjis.

  2. At least we have the decency to remain ignorant of where our food and religion comes from. If the public starts thinking about this stuff, well, it bodes ill, I tell you. It bodes ill indeed.


  3. Anonymous2:03 AM

    If he went back there and gutted those Muslims with a Bowie knife, HE'D be the one going to jail! That's life in Obama's America for you! Can't just attack non-Christians at ALL! Cripes, what a dictatorship we live in.

  4. I still wish we could stop calling it "BLACK" Friday -- knowwhatImsayin? Can't we call it "capitalism" Friday, or "Reagan" Friday? Actually, I think we should name at least ONE day of the week after St. Ronnie, and drop these pagan idolatry names like "Thor's" Day, but that's the subject of another rant...

  5. May Adam Smith smite him with his invisible hand.

  6. But, but, but … George W. Bush told us that th’ war on terrah wasn’t a war on th’ Muslins. I’m so confused.

  7. General, Sir:

    The reverend is quite proud of his educational accomplishments:

    "Graduate of accredited college (BA) and seminary (M Div) with graduate work at Harvard Divinity School."

    Perhaps he forgot the names of them other 2 sckuls.

  8. It's certainly a shameful affront to American manliness when a good patriot armed with his weaponly pride can't expectorate on miserable goat worshippers!

    No wonder so many American men need Viagra -- their pencil has lost its point at being denied so much innocent fun at the expense of lowly foreigners.

    I'll bet those Muslim terrorists were light in the sandals as well!

  9. I thought I would let everyone know that I took a deer into Archers Meats in Fishers, Indiana on Friday after Thanksgiving....

    I left. My deer and my business.

    “Will now go to Marsh Deer processing at 8820 W. US. Highway 36 Middletown, Indiana 47356 at 765-779-4353.

    Anybody wanna bet that this e-mail was written by a Mr Marsh who needs some extra cash in this craptastic economy?

  10. Man, anybody named after my favorite magazine has to run an awesome church. Get thee to Pastor Swank's Pentecostal Pole Dance Barn! Yamma lamma ding dong!

  11. Oh, yay, another opportunity for Indiana to look incredibly backward, whiny and stupid!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.