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Thursday, June 24, 2010

Naked Sisters Stealing Cars

Elder Jesus, and his dad, Yahweh, ask a lot of us Mormon saints. That's especially true for the sisters.

Creating the perfect home and being the ideal handmaid for the household priesthood holder is time consuming. Add all that to the three or so hours of meetings every Sunday, the ferrying of kids to and from primary and MIA, the hours of genealogical research and temple work for the dead, the weekly Relief Society meetings and all the quilting, crafting, cooking, and scrapbooking those entail, and it's no wonder some sisters get naked and steal cars.

That's what happened to Sister Slyivna Beagly.

We don't know for sure what sparked her rebellion, what prompted her to get naked, steal a car, crash it, fight with police, then, steal a police car and crash it too--perhaps it was one too many jello salads, one too many exclusions from the blessing circle, or one too many demands by Elder Beagly to give the gift of mortality to an eager spirit waiting in heaven. We may never know what prompted her nude crime spree.

But Sister Beagly assures us that it isn't because she's bi-polar. Parroting generations of LDS elders and sisters, as well as Dr. Laura, she tells us in her blog that that mental illness is simply an excuse for acting irresponsibly:

In my opinion, bipolar disorder is the scapegoat illness. Anytime (sic) someone acts out in an inappropriate venue, they get to be diagnosed with some form of mental illness. This can keep them from going to prison (even though being on medications to keep them "stable" for the rest of their life can be considered its own type of prison).

God bless her. It's good to see a troubled sister accepting responsibility for her spiritual failings. Hopefully, she'll allow her husband to work the sacred oil into her scalp as he asks God to bring her peace. That's all she really needs, a patriarch's blessing.


I've been reading bits of Sister Hanson's book, Ex-Mormon, for some time now and love it. If you're interested in Mormon culture you'll love Hanson's wry take on growing up in Zion.

And a word of warning: Brother Brigham's Destroying Angels will smite you if you skipped that "Relief Society" link. Click it now unless your satisfied with being, or being with, a mere one cow woman.


  1. General Sir!

    OMFG!!! ExMormon is taking me back to my own youth as a Mormon-In-Training! I wonder if Sister Hanson visited her grandmother in Salt Lake City every summer, too.... hmmmm...(Mormon grandmothers...there is nothing else like them. God love them, every one!)

  2. Anonymous8:52 AM

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  3. General, I clicked on that relief society page and found it a well of darkness. I had to use the secret hand gesture known as CTRL-A in order to reveal the message of Eight Cow Woman.

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  5. General, sir -- thanks for the plug!

    And -- jcricket -- glad you like it! Ah, the memories of visiting Mormon relatives in Utah. ;)

  6. My grandmother was in Spanish Fork. Close enough to SLC? Anyway, emormons deserve a leg up!

  7. General, Sir:

    From the comments on that story on Jalopnik:

    "Some of the comments on this story may be the most helpful I've read anywhere. Stories about meds and withdrawal that tear at you.I hope she gets the help she needs. I was in the same situation til Christ intervened. I was messed up something bad, and just wanted to die in my college dorm. Something told me I should pray, and 3 years later, I am in the best mental and physical state of my life and am a founding member of a new church"

    I'm not sure that going from bi-polar disorder to "Triune GOD Syndrome(TM)" is an improvement.

  8. You don't have to be mentally ill to love Jesus, but it helps...


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.