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Monday, July 26, 2010

God's English

Dean Howard
Mayor, Hyrum City, Utah

Dear Brother Howard,

One would think LaVon G. Hansen deserves to be treated a whole lot better than he was at your July Fourth celebration. I mean, hey, here's a guy who lived the kind of life one would expect a citizen of a city named after the Prophet's brother should live. He fought Nazi communists in World War II. He attends Sunday school, sacrament meeting, and priesthood meeting every Sunday. He's careful to eat the required daily amount of red punch and green jello. No doubt he even gave all his boys good Mormon names like LaDell, LaVere, LaMar, LaDean, and LaElmer.

Yet, you still forced him to suffer the indignity of hearing the the city's official Fourth of July prayer spoken in a language favored by Mexicans. Good Lord, what were you thinking?

Mr. Hansen was right to complain when he wrote: "If I had my way, I would have the City Council members impeached and sent to Mexico. If they don’t like America enough to have a prayer in English, then they hadn’t ought to live here."

And he's not the only one. Apparently, the whole city has its ass in an uproar.

It sounds like one of those tolerance things to me. You get a gentile to do the prayer so the ACLU doesn't jump your ass for having a state religion. How do you think the Lord feels about that? He sure as hell wasn't into all that tolerance crap. The very sight of Amorites, Jebusites, or Arkansans would send him into an immaculate shit-tizzy and he'd command the faithful to kill every last man, woman, and child of their tribe.

Think about that the next time you're tempted to swap out the Lord's English in the name of "tolerance."

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Elsewhere: China can see Sarah from its kitchen window.

And Up the IRA!


  1. What the heck are they praying for on the 4th of July? For Jesus to pop out of an M-80? Better yet, how about the Messiah pops out of a Roman Candle...but then you got the whole Roman Catholic thing in there...shoot, everything is just so darn related, tangenitals-wise. Let's just keep it simple and stay mad at the Mexicans and their mysteriously foreign language.

    Waiter! More lime jello please!


  2. Of course the Lord spoke in English. you never heard of the Rey Diego Bible did you????

    Well...did ya???

  3. Praying in Spanish on the Fourth of July? Where's my tapir?

  4. Did you get that ChiCom Palinator video from oneathose Oriental character commenters? Because I always thought they were spammers. Now I realize they were actually links to vids of such patriotikkk imaginarevents. I'm gonna click on the next one I see. The futureVeep mud-wrestling the Impostodent! Too bad it was Hoboma's top that came off -- in this one... Onion TV better watch out! It's got a strong rival.

  5. P.S. It's time for the town of Hymun to pass a law that says anyone caught praying in Spanlish in public WILL BE asked to prove their citizenship -- on the spot! -- by town authorities. Or any band of arresting citizens armed with automatic weapons and a length of good stout rope.

  6. General, I’m always humbled when you give me a shout-out. Thanks so much for the link!

  7. General, Sir:

    Boobs with guns = Good

    Guns with boobs = A++ GOOD!!

    Is there a "director's cut" of the pole dance bit?

    Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, Utah uber alles!

  8. Why *do* so many Mormon names begin with "La," anyway?

  9. Oh, and I forgot to add: I cannot believe we didn’t think to name one of our kids LaVon.

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  11. General, Sir:
    I watched Big Love again last night on HBO. Are those people even Christian?

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  13. Anonymous6:40 AM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  14. Everyone knows Jesus don't speak spanish...


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.