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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Damnations's Cupcakes

David Stockton
Just Cookies
Indianapolis City Market

Dear Mr. Stockton,

Cpl Cletis presented your story during the show and tell portion of our monthly militia meeting last night. The men really liked it. We all agreed that it was a heroic act to deny rainbow cupcakes to homosexualists.

Lord knows what kind of depraved pokey-pokey-sit-and-spin games they would have played with them. I can almost picture rainbow crumbs and frosting exploding from between their thighs like some magnificent multi-hued volcanic eruption somewhere deep in that land where the Care Bears live. Tongues, wicked searching tongues would follow, seeking the sweet rainbow goo splattered across all that hairy flesh, and no doubt, topping a few man-thingy helmets like colorful plumes of tasty Grecian iniquity.

Oh, God, Ohhh, Ohhh, Ohhh. Yeah.

Uh, um, yes. Wicked, wicked, wicked, worldly cupcake games.

You prevented that from happening, and the men wanted to do something to honor your courage.

Our annual Fall Old Time Revival and Survival Preparedness Expo is coming up next month, We'd be honored if you'd accept our invitation to serve as our human oatmeal cookie this year. It's a thing we do to celebrate the Lord's blessings at harvest time.

What we'd do is strip you down, rub honey all over your body, roll you in oats and raisins, and release a dozen squirrels to feast upon your treats.

It's perfectly safe. A couple of us will be armed with spatulas to defend your secret parts from any squirrel who gets a little too greedy. We really like that part--it serves as a metaphor for chastity. Ok, sometimes we may miss a potential acorn thief and paddle a little soldier instead, but then that's really just a more concrete form of promoting chastity, isn't it?

Please let us know when you're available during the first week of November, so we can schedule it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Bleg: Kick in a few bucks of you like what I'm doing. I could really use it.


  1. I liked it when the store owner said he had two, young impressionable daughters at home. Selling rainbow cupcakes could make them grow up and have sex with unicorns and faeries, and then the grandkids would all look like Marv Albert. If you don't believe me then, fine, then don't believe me. But don't say I didn't warn you. Okay, you can say I didn't warn you, but really I did warn you.


  2. General, Sir:

    In the interest of offering an alternative viewpoint I submit:

    from the yoohootubez Zappian Rkives.

    At about 40 seconds he begins talking about "arrogantly twisting the sterile canvas snoot of a fully loaded icing annointment tool...1/4 oz. creme rosette..."

    I had to leave before he finised that part. Anyhoo, I wonder if Mr. Cookiemonster is aware of that technique. Now, THAT, might be difficult for his young and impressionable daughters to "handle", Sir, if you get my meaning.

  3. This bakkker Stockkkton should also stop making cupcakes with chocolate icing, lest it give his daughters the wrong idea about race-mixing as well as ingredient-mixing. First they start licking the sweet brown stuff off the outside of pastries, and then you know where that leads... I blame that British kids TV show "Bananas in Pyjamas" for the way I turned out. Although my manservant Kato doesn't seem to mind.

  4. I'm glad to see that the human oatmeal cookie ritual does not involve baking.

    Human beings getting baked is an affront to purity.

  5. Mr Stockton is selling cupcakes from a store called "Just Cookies"?
    I don't understand the marketing stradegy there, at all.

  6. Aren’t cupcakes, like, the gayest of the baked goods anyways?

  7. By the way, why do people say “we have certain values” when they really mean “we hate some motherfuckers”?

  8. Dave von Ebers:

    Because "we hate some motherfuckers" makes the baby JESUS cry. Of course the 900' JESUS with laser eyes and lightnin' bolts shootin' outta his bumhole thinks baby JESUS is a total pussy anyway.

  9. This was just sooo disturbing in my city and boycotts are planned. The City Market where to storefront is located is in dire straits and is about to close. The last thing the area needed is this kind of attention in a gay friendly downtown.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.