Americans for Truth
Dear Mr. LaBarbera,
In a heart-felt gesture to ease your shame for being left behind, I offered to leave you my beloved chaps after Jesus takes me up in the Rapture. You responded in a truly mean-spirited and very offensive fashion by attacking one of our nation's most cherished icons, the American cowboy:What kind of twisted perversion movement invents *assless* pants anyway? Easier sodomy, easier to spread disease.No doubt America's greatest cowboy, St Ronnie of the Salvador Option, saw your words from his heavenly perch and is now bawling like a bum steer. I imagine even Jesus' most holy arm punches fail to bring a smile back to our beloved Gipper's weathered face.
You're a rotten bastard.
According to assless pants expert, Buck Grizzly, early Texas cowboys invented modern biker-style chaps:
The early Texans of 1830-40s designed the first full length leather britches, that completely encircled the legs and by the early 1870s were called SHOTGUNS, because these seatless pants resembled a double barrel shotgun.Sure, these chaps were assless, but not simply to encourage sodomy. They provided early cowboys with an easily accessed storage place for food like cucumbers, zucchini, and sausage and such important cowboy tools as whips, anal beads, and butt plugs--the latter was especially important given the cowboy's diet of beans, cucumbers, zucchini, and sausage.
Chaps are still useful in the same way today. Think about how much easier it would be for you to stash your organization's sausage if you wore chaps.
I, and America's cowboys, eagerly await your apology.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
There's gonna be a lot of butt cracks rising up in the sky on the day of the rapture. Gonna need a tarp, I reckon. Maybe two.
ReplyDeleteOops. I thought they were called 'Shotguns' because Cowboys seeing other Cowboys in them would shoot their loads.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if he believes his God will kill us all on the 21st, that if God doesn't, Mr. LaBamba will wear a pair of Ass Chaps?
Well, it is so very heartbreaking that Mr LaBarbera was so mean to you! Talking as if chaps have anything to do with disease - oh, he is so mistaken.
ReplyDeleteIsn't there a saying about sunlight and air being strong antiseptics? Don't chaps provide these very things??? And the hunkiest, healthiest Americans EVAR, The Cowboys, wore chaps!!
Methinks that his protest is too much. There is something in his message that calls out "this is what I am!!"
Even so, he is still not getting raptured, and still going straight to Hell for all of his pr0n obsession.
God bless his heart.
General, Sir;
ReplyDeletePerhaps El Barberian thinks that the chaps contrast too much with his shiny, leopardskin print thong?
I was Oogling around to see if I could find the words to an old joke where the punchline had God saying to an old farmer "Some days, McGregor, you just chap my ass" (I can never remember how to tell a joke) and I was surprised to find what a broad spectrum of assless chap sites there are on teh Internets tubez.
ReplyDeleteAhhhh... so now I know where chapped lips come from!
ReplyDelete