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Monday, April 23, 2012

Poaching for America and the NRA

It was one of those beautiful Alaskan mornings--the crisp, biting air so clear, America's greatest sportsman and patriot, Ted Nugent, could see Vladimir Putin and the demon, Andrealphus, atop the Kremlin's east wall, engaging in the most vile, despicably unnatural acts imaginable. The sight engulfed Ted's senses. The demon's orgasmic writhing seized his thoughts, overwhelming them with dreams of debauchery on the iCarly set.

So lost was he in his thoughts, Ted didn't see that a bear had ambled up to the bait station, a barrel filled with the most irresistible ursine delicacies, until after his .17 caliber flesh rifle shot its full load into his padded, mossy oak camo undergear. Now sated, Ted looked down from his well-furnished tree blind and spotted his quarry. Quickly, he reached for his bow and fired. The arrow flew true, rocking the bear at 340 feet per second, before it staggered off into the brush.

Ted could no longer see the bear from his perch on the tree stand or from its base after he climbed down. The bear was gone. "Fuck it," the NRA spokesman surely thought, "It must be off dying in the brush. I'll just shoot another."

Four days later, he shot that second bear.

Unfortunately, those whom Ted calls "evil corrupt government thugs" didn't approve. According to Alaskan wildlife officials, shooting two bears with one permit is poaching. If one of the poached bears is transported across state lines, it becomes a federal offence. Ted was charged federally, and will plead guilty on Tuesday.

Inasmuch as this is Ted's second poaching offense, I wonder if the NRA will feature Ted in a "Joys of Poaching" series in it's hunting magazine, "The American Hunter." I hope so.

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Update: Left Coast Tom tells us that our Ted also wang danged his way past California's wildlife laws back in 2010.

Update II: Commenter Penny V. remembers another poaching incident:
I can tell you for a fact that Nugent was on trial for poaching in the late '80s. I've gotten many summons for jury duty, but when I call the phone number the night before I'm always told that the case has been cancelled and that I don't need to show up. The solitary time I did actually have to go in for jury selection was when I was living in Grand Junction, Colorado. The case in question involved a man who had been arrested for working as a hunting guide for deer outside of deer season. One of the truly lovely individuals who was accused of having hired the defendant was one Ted Nugent. I don't know how the trial turned out...but he's been poaching for a long time.

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