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Friday, January 11, 2013

Tactical Firearms Training for the Maniacally Teabagged

Firearms training guru James Yeager is a manly, masculine, kind of man, the kind of man who spurts concentrated testosterone from every pore, the kind of man who can prompt hair to grow on a woman's breast by simply passing gas in her vicinity, the kind of man who hates with such blind, ball-scratching fury, he's destined to get his own show on Fox some day.

And there's two kinds of people Yeager hates: unhearlandishly-hued presidents and, uh, people:
I’m not fucking putting up with this. I’m not letting my country be ruled by a dictator. I’m not letting anybody take my guns! If it goes one inch further, I’m going to start killing people.
Ok, well, three kinds of people:
And all you fucking fair-weather Second Amendment people that are telling me I’m doing a fucking disservice by saying that I’m not going to stand for the tyranny, fuck you.
Make that four kinds of people:
Our country wasn’t founded by a bunch of fair-weather pussies. Either you’re in or you’re out, and if you’re out, don’t call yourself a fucking Second Amendment advocate.
And by God you better believe he can do it. As the CEO of Tactical Response Inc, Yeager not only eats, breaths, and engages in acts of unspeakably carnality with all manner of tactical firearms, he teaches courses like:
Fighting Pistol
2 Days

The root word to "gunfight" isn't "gun".
It is "FIGHT"!
Intermediate Distance Fighting Rifle
2 Days

...As you know from your Fighting Rifle class we train for close and fast gun fighting. In the Intermediate Distance class we progress from the CQB mindset to implementing the rifle at longer distances...We are going to teach you how to reliably hit human sized targets with a plain old Fighting Rifle.
But what if you need to defend yourself from a mile away?
High Risk Civilian Contractor-Sniper
5 days $1150.00

This 5 day course is taught by our cadre of seasoned active military and police snipers. We cover the skills required by anyone who wants to hit small targets at extended distances....We will cover known and unknown engagements out to 500 yards. We will teach you how to set up your weapon and gear for missions, cover care and cleaning of equipment and ammo selection for the job, and conduct graded stalks and courses of fire. We want you to leave this course a newly trained sniper that can complete the mission and get home safely
He'll even teach you how to rid your neighborhood of those pesky Muslims:
Active Shooter Mobile
2 days $ 500.00

The threat of a depressed student, disgruntled employee, or Islamic terrorist is REAL. This course teaches the police officer or armed citizen the tactics needed to end the violence quickly and efficiently...

In the past these have been our home grown psychopaths and sociopaths but there are other dangers. Many people have seen scenes from the "al-Qaeda Training Tapes" but the horrors of what they are planning on doing in America are far worse than the clips of the evening news.
And, finally, for those who need to learn both how to kill and how to pack a bag lunch:
Combative Pistol
2 days
Topics covered in this course will include:

Rapid presentation from concealed carry
Effective gun handling technques, designed to work under stress
Rapid reloading techniques
High Speed accuracy at close ranges
Precision shooting at mid-ranges
Shooting effectively with one hand, with either hand
Fixing malfunctions rapidly and reliably
Proper defensive mindset, personal tactics, and more
Bag Lunch

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