Republican Jesus: Our judeo-CHRISTIAN Heritage

Naughty or Nice

Mathew D. Staver
Liberty Counsel

Dear Mr. Staver,

Although I'm a big fan of your "Friend or Foe Christmas Campaign 'Naughty & Nice List,'" I worry that your tactics may be more harmful than helpful. You seem to be more interested in embarrassing your targets than in assisting them in finding ways to embrace Christmas.

Your "Naughty" entry for Aerie serves as a good example of what I'm talking about:

aerie – An American Eagle Outfitters, Inc. brand. Web site: “Merry Aerie Gifts” on home page donned with very skimpy lingerie model. “aerie Wishlist.” “Christmas” search revealed only one brief item (pun intended). Company unusually “Christmas” unfriendly.

Wouldn't you be more successful if you helped Aerie work Jesus into their panties. Perhaps you could submit designs for baby Jesus bras, Santa bustiers, or Our Lady of Guadalupe thongs to help them get that ol' Christmas Spirit.

Or maybe you could do as I did below and send them "naughty" and "nice" versions of their marketing art to help them understand what they need to do.



You're welcome to forward this onto Aerie.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Something Else

Here's a link to pre-order that Ani DiFranco album I previewed yesterday. We're not getting anything to promote this (other than the album for review purposes). My inner Frenchman has been a huge Ani fan for years, and he thinks this is some of her best work yet.

And thanks for the birthday wishes.

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "the War in Afghanistan is different from the War on Christmas" has flown into a craggy mountainside and died, the impact crushing the sleigh and scattering the contents willy-nilly, the various guns and rocket launchers broken to pieces across the barren rocks that roll down to the pock-marked valley below. Amid the cacophony of AK-47s and surface-to-air missiles, one can just make out the muffled cries for aid from the tiny Military Industrial Complex Elves as they spend the last full measure of their devotion, beyond all hope and charity, in the bitter cold of a despairing world. The Opinion was believed to be three and a half years old.

Raised among the candy cane poppy fields of North Kantstanditstan, the Opinion lived an idyllic childhood gathering tinsel and ornaments and holly and improvised explosive devices to play with, delighting in the colors and banners and deafening explosions, each in due course. Baby Jesus, acting as the One True Manager of the Opinion, was spotted as he crawled into an armored Humvee near Kabul, wherein he drove off for some unknown destination, leaving no instructions for a successor. Who will be our new Field General? Will he (or she) run a steady assault on our enemies, or just throw 30,000 additional Hail Marys until the reindeer are replaced by drones? Stay tuned!

Family of the Opinion have asked that in lieu of flowers everyone blow shit up and then drink massive amounts of alcohol to deaden what isn't already dead. The key to enlightenment is self-medication and violence, and the road to salvation is heavily guarded. After the service there will be a brief explosion, followed by eternal darkness. Happy Holidays!

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The Opinuary Column appears every Friday at Jesus' General.

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