Jesus' General

God's team

The Presidential Prayer Team needs our help. This week they'd like us to focus our prayers on the upcoming war, Colin Powell, Bill Frist, and HUD Secretary Mel Martinez. I know that many of you were brought up in the religion of the Whore of Babylon, the Roman Catholic Church, and don't know how to pray from your heart, so I'll do it for you.

Our Father in Heaven,

Please destroy our enemies the Iraqis, the Iranians, the Syrians, the French, the Germans, the Canadians, the Democrats, and that rotten bastard Mike who lives across the street and taunts me with his bulge. Lord, You know how Satan tempts Your greatest servants more than the average man and how he causes me to lose my way by entrancing me with bulges. Please give me strength to resist Mike's witchcraft. Help me resist the thoughts of his broad muscular shoulders, narrow waist, tight buttocks, and lips that would make a cherub cry. My Saviour, please forgive me for touching myself as I type this and imagining Mike's wickedly hot breath pounding it's steam against the back of my welcoming neck.

Father, the cucumber is only an object and shouldn't count against me on the day of judgement. Technically, it's not really a sin of the flesh. Think about it.

Lord, please forgive me while I interrupt this prayer for a moment...

I'm back Lord, and I am ashamed. I was weak. Please forgive me. I'll go into the city tonight to receive my punishment from that man who spanks people if they pay him $50.

Please cause Mike and Saddam Bin Ladin to stand under the cliff near the petroglyphs out on Highway 12 tomorrow at 11 am. Lord, cause them to stand in the target I will paint on the ground so that I may smite them for their wickedness by dropping an anvil on their heads.

And please bless HUD Secretary Mel Martinez.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.