Jesus' General

Ashcroft vs Reno

I've been hearing a lot of people complaining about John Ashcroft lately. They whine that he's spending resources locking up Tommy Chong when he should be going after criminals. They call him a prude because he made Justice cover up her breasts. They portray him as being a nut because, as a profoundly religious man, he thinks calico cats are possessed by Satan.

Have these people forgotten Janet Reno? Our nation became a pig wallow of permissiveness under her. During her entire eight years of service, she didn't hold a single citizen incommunicado without bring charges against him or denying him access to a lawyer. That's no way to administer justice. It certainly isn't the Republican way of doing it.

Let's look at some of the changes that have occurred under Mr. Ashcroft's watch:

much of the government information previously available upon request is now considered secret and cannot be released to the public

the government may watch over what you read and arrest librarians who tell you they're watching

the government may monitor federal prison jailhouse conversations between attorneys and clients, and deny lawyers to Americans accused of crimes

the government may search and seize Americans' papers and effects without probable cause to assist terror investigation

Americans may be jailed without being charged or being able to confront witnesses against them.

Reno never protected us in this way. She was lax in her responsibilities. Even her name connotes a certain amount of permissiveness. When I think of the word "Reno," I think of gambling, prostitution, and a big muscular hairy man named Gunther who with Satan's assistance forces middle aged militia officers to commit numerous unspeakable and unnatural acts.

Ashcroft, on the other hand, is a regal, orderly sounding name. Say it slowly "A s h c r o f t." It virtually screams "ORDER." I like that. Order is very important to me. Order is a central theme in conservative philosophy. When I think "Ashcroft", I think "order". When I think "order," I think "M1/A1 Abrams Main Battle Tank." Now that's a name that exudes nothing but order. Heck, it more than just the name, it looks like "order." It inspires order from it's beautifully formed armored undercarriage to its huge 120mm M256 Smooth Bore Cannon that can pump it's HEAT armor penetrating rounds all night long.

If we put an Abrams on every street corner, by God we'd have the kind of order General Ashcroft is after. We wouldn't have all these unAmerican traitorous liberal scumbags taking to the streets questioning Our Leader's foreign policy. Everyone would become the right kind of American then.