Jesus' General

Dear CNN

Dear CNN,

I want to thank you for the way you are covering the war protests. By labeling the two sides "anti-war" and "pro-US," you've helped many Americans understand who the real patriots are. There is nothing a non-combatant can do that is more patriotic than holding a sign saying "Nuke the Bastards" while standing at the intersection of State and Main. It's our way of facing the enemy, and far too often, our courageous contribution to the war effort is overlooked. I like to think that when you call us "pro-US," you are acknowledging the sacrifices we make.

I think you can take this a step further. I'd like to see you humiliate war protestors on the air. Perhaps you could have Lou Dobbs hold them while Aaron Brown and Anderson Cooper take turns kicking them in the shins. That would be compelling television. Fox wouldn't have a chance.

Now if you're really interested in ratings, you might consider placing Larry King's foot in a bear trap and filming him as he chews though his leg to escape. Of course you'd want to wait until sweeps to do that.