Jesus' General

Godless French lawyers are trying to shut down the White House

It looks like the French have sunk to a new low and are now trying to shut down the White House. I think it's time to strike back at those stinking snail-eating sovereignty poodles where it hurts them the most, their philosophers. That's why I'm answering Neal Pollak's call for a day without Satire. It will do us all a bit of good to be rid of Jean Paul for a day. It's always "'The bourgeoisie this' and 'the bourgeoisie that' - he's like a little child sometimes". Damn commie. Anyway, I'm going to shut down on April 1st in solidarity with whitehouse.org. Spread the word.

Have you ever noticed how the French all wear those really tight pants and lacy shirts. It's like they are trying to shove their masculine sexuality down your throat. You'll be standing there, trying to get a plain cup of American coffee at one of those sissified latte stands and a Frenchman will begin to taunt you with those firm round taught cheeks squeezed ever so tightly in those cute little shorts. You try to look away and say a short prayer to our Lord and Saviour begging for the strength to resist, but they have this mojo -- this "homomojo" -- that takes control of your mind. You soon become lost in thoughts of hot homosexual sex.

Your heart races as he uses that old pickup line, "excuse me" while maneuvering around your sweating, panting expectant body. You follow him. He begins to playfully tease you by running. You pick up the pursuit, although your "little soldier" is now wide awake and standing at attention straining against your zipper making it painful to keep up. This is God's way of helping you. He's trying to slow you down. Still, you make headway.

Your mind is overcoming the pain as it begins to anticipate the ecstasy that is to come. Then, the Frenchman runs up to a policeman, gesticulating wildly in your direction, and before you can slip away, you're placed under arrest. He's used his mojo to discredit you because of your work in the churches and the militias. Satan wins another battle, but you'll keep fighting. The war is far from over.